Heidi,

Here are a few questions.....I haven't read your entire thread so even if you've already answered these questions, please bear with me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

1. R u working with a good MC?
2. Have you tried MC via phone counseling with Steve H @ MB?
3. Have you read SAA, Hn/Hn and Love must be tough?
4. Have you checked out your financial options?
5. Have you done a background check on the OW?
6. Have you identified your boundaries?
7. Have you exposed to the OW's H, WS' family, work?

Now here are a few suggestions:
A. Stop trying to love or plan A the WS.
B. Be on the watch for your H and not the WS.
C. Plan B the WS but plan A your H.
D. Learn to reverse babble.
E. Get the WS to admit it is important to treat all ees fairly, then encourage all ees to ask for the same treatment as the OW gets. If the WS says favoritism is ok, then spread that word around the workplace.
F. See if his partner c/b your support. Probably the work is already suffering. You could also be his partner's support. The 2 of you c/b a team against the A.

That's just for starters.
L.

Bumping so Heidi can read Orchid's post.

I am sorry you have to be going through this so far into your pregnancy and wish you could have some peace to get your strength before giving birth.

um um and more ummm????

1. ive only been 2x seems to be very knowledgable, and an marriage advocate, thinks that we should be able to work through what is going on etc etc.
2. no - rather expensive for me.
3. no - i read about as much as I can off this site and some others, have not purchased books =/
4. financial options - dont really have any
5. no i have not done a background check, what good does that do?
6. to whom myself? to h? what do you mean?
7. cant find OWH, have told WH's parents my suspicions, and who at work, his employees that are supporting his behavior?

A. ok
B. ok
C. ok i can try to do that
D. reverse babble and I do not get along well, and after reading your RB101 i dont think I would be very effective at pulling that off at all, I will make an effort to try.
E. I am not allowed at his office, and he owns the business with his father, if I get these ppl riled up like that I am going to be creating a mutany, one of which will probably cause major havoc. His father will not be able to retire, and H will loose ability to take over co. completely, may cause ppl to quit and go elsewhere with their clients, and the company may not be able to recover from that....is that really a good idea?
F. His partner???? Do you mean his father and mother????

Thank you so much, I hope so too. I have a Dr. apt tomorrow, I hope all is well and that I have not started to progress just yet. I need more time, 12 days till due date.

Heidi, Your WH's behavior is unbelievably cruel. He is self-indulgent and selfish at a time when you are at your most vulnerable and helpless.

Since you seem reluctant to expose him at work, I don't know what options you have. I can see not wanting to jeopardize the income situation because you need the fin'l support.

At the same time, it is a powerful tool and weapon. Your H understands this. That is why he won't "allow" you to go into his workplace.

I don't think it would be good to urge you to "do it anyway" because you are so helpless and vulnerable as a woman about to give birth. You are carrying the most precious of burdens close to your heart.

Even your sense of balance with a huge belly is off, and will be after giving birth for a while.

If you don't want to expose, the affair is going to continue. Maybe the best thing to do is to withdraw, do a 180. A 180 is a complete turnaround in attitude and actions. It throws the WS off balance. They don't expect it.

I can't imagine being 12 days from due date and scurrying around trying to place recorders under car seats. I remember being so huge that I couldn't see my feet, and struggling to deal with a cable TV problem on the phone.

MBers are here for you with a menu of different perspectives and you know which course you want to take. I'm glad you found MB.

Hi everyone..

Well things are still the same. MC last night was just horrid. But I was armed with knowledge. I told myself I wasnt going to cry while we were there, but that didnt last long. I cried. But, I was strong in other ways. She strongly urged my H to get some IC. At first he said no, but then he changed his mind and said he would go.

My H said to me last night that the only reason he hasnt left already is that he has some small glimmer of hope that I will change back into his loving adoring wife once I have the baby. It tears at my heart when he says that, becuase he cant see that I am his loving adoring wife standing here in front of him waiting for him to want to be my loving adoring husband again.

He doesnt know that I too have a glimmer of hope that this baby will light the path thru the fog. Im sure not counting on that but wow would that be nice. In the mean time I have planned to meet with the Rabbi and discuss with him a plan for an intervention.

Ive planned many a thing before, birthday parties, retirement parties, reunions, bbq's, plays, company growth plans, fashion shows with 500+ attendees, all kinds of things each with their own challenges, this by far is the hardest plan I have ever been faced with. The most to gain the most to loose. The most to embrace and the most to fear. I couldnt be more scared. Yet I have to find a way to be strong, that seems to get harder every day. But Im still trying, Im still here.

Always Me.

hugs{{{{{{Heidi}}}}}hugs






That's because this is your life, your future, your children's future. Stay strong Heidi.

My WH agreed to go see and IC, he said he thinks it will really help him and that he definately needs it. Do you think he is so anxious to go now as a means of telling the IC that he IS having an A, and getting professional support for having it. Somehow validating his A and seeking approval that what he is doing is the right thing for him?

I really think he is planning to separate after the baby comes, I also think he is planning for divorce and that he is planning to seek custody.

He told me that he wants to bottle feed this baby. I nursed our other 2 kids, and intend to do the same with this one. But now he is all about wanting to bottle feed.
And for whatever reason pumping doesnt work for me, so his idea would mean only formula.

I cant even handle that idea at all. I know it ties in well with him and seeking custody. This is agonizing.

feels hopeless.............

It is not just seeking custody...it is seeking any custody. In most states as long as you are breast feeding the xH gets no overnight visits. He might get a few hours on Saturday and/or Sunday and an hour or two during the week but they will all be with YOU for the most part as you are the vessel of nourishment.

So ... guess he won't be gettin' his way on this one.

Tooo bad.

Mr. Wondering

Absolutely don't agree to bottle feed. What does he take you for? It sounds like you have him figured out though. You cannot trust him in the least especially where the best interests of you and your children are concerned.

Protect yourself as best you can. Do you understand the DV laws in your state and where you stand? Play hard ball should it come to that. Let him abandon you...don't you move out. He really needs a dose of reality to burst his fantasy bubble. He seems to be on a manic high with his A and new lifestyle. Odd how people can seem to transform into some characature of themselves.

He has it bad, and that ain't good.

i dont know how to go on. I heard him talking on the phone to her this morning, he said about how he just trys to smile at me and make his way through the day......he didnt know I was standing there.

That locking his keys in the office thing was a ploy too. He was mad that I burst his bubble about that plan though. I have to go Ill be back later.

Help give me strength...Im running out.
Heidi

Hang in there. Most WS's do come back to the marriage. It does sound like he is very much in the fog though.

I can't fathom an OW doing this to a woman with 2 kids and one on the way. She must be a real piece of work.

Yeah I cant fathom it myself.

He had another meltdown tonight, after spending a fabulous day with me and the kids and his parents. He started crying and then had to leave the room to compose himself so he started getting mad at me and saying all kinds of horrid things. Which thankful I was able to shed a tear and then tell myself - dont listen, its just the fog babble, and I let him be mean, and was playing the translator in my head, so i just disected everything he said as he was saying it, and then the mean things didnt hurt so bad.

I was then able to sit back down with him in bed and not a single LB. I was rather proud of myself. He continued with less and less meanness for the next hour or so, until he said I just cant be awake anymore, I cant think about this anymore, and I told him I loved him and rubbed his back until he fell asleep.

I think that after spending a great day with me and then watching a movie that involved a pregnant lady giving birth he couldnt even keep it together. I am going to have to stock up on movies with pregnant ladies =). I think that it brings him back to me for even just those few moments he has a realization of guilt and love for me. And it helps me too, because I know that when that happens that there is love still there (even though he snaps out of it 2 min later and says differently).


Oddly enough today was a great day, and for the first time in months I am in a rather good mood. Knowing that his parents dont know was the best thing to find out today. Now I just need some concrete proof and then - exposure -
Is it weird that I am excited about exposing him??? Maybe becuase I hold high hopes that my IL's will be a very very strong help to me. I somehow think that with them on my side he will for sure come back to me. Maybe that is way to naive, but I know that they really want us to be together, and they really want us to be able to get through our problems and continue to be a family.

The thing is that they think the problem is me (my depression that is) and what happened a year ago. They dont know what the real problem is. And they dont know that they took the OW out to lunch Friday. And they dont know that the OW sits in their office, and is funding the A with company $$$$.

Although......maybe I am being naive again....H said that FIL is so impressed with OW work that he offered her a raise, and she has only been at the co. for under 2 months. Hmmmmmm, i dont know, maybe that is innocent by FIL, because he knows of her as a person and that she is in dire straits in life and could really use the extra money, which im sure that WH feeds that pitty party to my FIL and so he feels bad and offers extra $$$ because he can. I dunno, I hate all this not knowing and having to be so suspicious about everything!! UGH.

Well anyhow, going to see IL's again tomorrow, I guess I will see how that goes, maybe I can feel out that situation a bit more.

I have to go do some journaling, ive been slacking....ooops

When I think of you I feel so sad for you having to go through this when you are so pregnant. This should be a happy time in preparation for a new precious life.

It is good to not take all his mean criticisms to heart because he is just following the WS script. They all do that to justify their A and try to relieve their own guilt. It is a pathetic attempt really. Sure there may be a slight bit of truth interspersed in what he spews but under normal circumstances he wouldn't be so very cruel when something bothers him. It really isn't about you it is all about him right now.

I would like you to look at westonaprice.org. I think with a proper diet and a couple of supplements, you can prevent having the depression you've suffered with in the past.

You can look find lots of info on that site to keep you and you kids healthy, (IMHO) Here is something pertaining to diet while Preg and nursing:

Pregnancy and Nursing

I will continue to keep you in my prayers for now.
I really hope you are successful with getting the proof you need to expose soon.

Have a nice day with the inlaws.

Thank you so much Trix,

I am actually working with a nutritionist now, but thank you for the site. Mostly my depression has been under control. I think my H is just using it as yet another reson to try and excuse his A.

He likes to deny that depression is even an illness, he likes to tell me I just say that as a crutch so that I can excuse my bad behavior, think that also makes him feel better about himself. I think its rather cruel really, that he makes comments like that.

This morning he wont even come near me. Really doesnt want to have much to do with me at all. He went and locked himself in the bathroom with a book and his phone.

I think that exposure is going to be a relief. Somehow I am actually looking foreward to it. Now I just need to be completely prepared. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Hello Heidi,

You know deep down that exposure will remove all the control from your WH. That is what is exciting you. Coopearating with him to hide the affair enables him.

Watch Gaslight some time. The husband of a naive young girl works to undermine her self-confidence and her sanity. It's a masterpiece story. One element of his abuse is to isolate his wife from the rest of the world, and to humiliate her in front of the servants, so that she has no one to check her reality with.

Your H is telling you that after the baby is born he wants you to be sweet and loving to him, oh and by the way not to nurse the infant. You do see his goal, don't you?

Nothing you do now or after baby comes will be enough to satisfy him. He will set you up to fail. Make your OWN plan and stick to it. MB will help you.

Unlike the poor wife victim in Gaslight, you have outside resources - us.

Hi Belle...

Your so right, as he is already setting me up to fail. And boy does he get pissed when I throw a wrench in his plans.

I did that 3x this weekend, except he didnt even know what hit him. But it wasnt for him, it was for his parents and me.

I asked his father today about the movie they went to see on guys night out. I was like what was the name of that movie you saw, because H cannot remember. He was like what??? he didnt go to the movie that night with us. I replied H said he went to half of the movie with you and then went for a drive and then came home. He was dumbfounded, and said im confused I think I need more information. Then H came downstairs and his dad asked what he was talking about, H threw out the name of another movie, and then quickly changed our son and then we left.

I dont think that his parents realized that I was pointing out that H has been lying, and H really didnt know what was going on, but he knew he was not happy with me, as he pointed out again that he hates that he is in love with me.
He was angry, but he was also having a very high blood sugar, which makes him irrational and angry, so he thought that is why he couldnt figure out what was going on and why he was so mad. (That worked out well for me, but I felt bad that he wasnt feeling good because he didnt have any insulin to take, we rushed home right away.)

Im going to be very busy tonight and tomorrow..9 days left till baby due date. (He keeps telling me to hurry up and get her out already, I keep trying to find ways to slow it down and I have little talks with her telling her that Id love for her to wait just a little while longer, that mommy isnt quite ready yet.) =) hopefully that doesnt sound too crazy, lol.

Again, I cant thank all of you enough for being there for me. You are all absolutely amazing and I am so greatful that you are here and that I found this site when I did, only wish I found it sooner.

Always me -

{{{{{{{{{{{{{heidi1115}}}}}}}}}}}

Want to tell you I am praying for you. I want to go back and read your whole post before reply.... Hang in there and lean on the Lord.... GOOD LUCK AND PRAYERS FRANK

Thank you so much for your prayers. I sure need them.

Every day closer I get to my due date the worse things seem to get with my WH. He now seems like a total stranger walking around our house. He barely acknowledges me. He calls to tell me he is going to be home late everynight, he never comes home on time anymore. He trys to act super polite and caring sometimes, but its all from a distance. Think he is trying to make sure he doesnt push me to far away so that he can be there for the baby being born.

I feel like a single parent already. I feel very alone, and abandoned. He just stops by to get a change of clothes, eat, and sleep. He is taking such poor care of his diabetes, constantly having high and low blood sugars, Im really worried about him. This stupid dieting that he is doing with OW is not properly nourishing, and then he comes home and for dinner feels like he has to stuff himself to get more nourishment, and because his blood sugars are so far off.

I hate feeling this way everyday. I called him to tell him I was going to stop by the office so I can make some photo copies for my license plate sticker and for my pre-admission forms for the hospital. He said absolutely not. He said give me the things and I will copy them for you tomorrow. He said I am not allowed to come to his office under any circumstances.

Im sure he doesnt want to make OW uncomfortable, and probably doesnt want to take a chance that the employees in the office that dont like him will say something to me. Probably also doesnt want me to see that he has most likely taken my pictures down from in the office. Although that one he would have to explain to his parents, because they have pictures of me on their desks too.

Should I ask H to give me his wedding ring back since he doesnt wear it anymore, he says it is just sitting on his desk. I was thinking of wearing it on a necklace that he bought me when he first met me.

All I feel is hurt, abandoned, and alone. Desparetly missing my Husband.

Think I should just go to his office anyhow to make the copies???? His parents are there today. I asked if he had said in front of them if I was not allowed in the office, he said no he wouldnt tell them that, they wernt there yet when he said that.

Is anyone a practicing magician, can you please make OW your assistant and add her to your show so you can put her in the magic dissapearing act. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />