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Octobergirl,
What I want more than anything is:

1) To have my life back. I have been living with a family member for almost 2 years. I want a home for me and my DD.

2) I want peace in my life.

3) I want control (full if divorced or 50/50 if married) of what happens in my home and with my finances.

I am not afraid of being on my own because I've done it before. If I need something I can call a friend, a family member, fix it myself or look in the yellow pages.

I thank God, and I mean that with all sincerity, that I have a good job and am financially secure. I don't live extravagantly and can take care of myself and DD.

As for having a man in my life, yes. I do want to be married. I want someone in my life that I can share my life with. I want someone to hope, dream, plan with. Someone to share God with. Someone to grow old with. I want a companion. I want someone that will pamper and adore me and someone for whom I can do that in return.

I truly thought that I had found that person in my H and I believe that the shattering of those dreams and the let down of it all is what hurts the most.

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What has this man done for you or give you to make your life happy and safe? Is it positive? Healthy? What's holding you back from letting him go?

In looking at my situation as objectively and dispassionately as I can, my H has:
-cheated on me; one PA first yr of marriage, two EAs (one of those may be current PA)
-lied to me
-used me financially
-put everyone and everything above me
-cursed me
-thrown things at me;pushed me around
-threatened me w/exposing my distant past to all

-used my past against me; telling me that I have no right to make comments about what his kids have done/are doing because I had done far worse things at their age

-was not there for me when I needed him


My life is not happy, I don't feel safe and the relationship we have is far from healthy. Why can't I let him go? I don't know. I wish I knew why I continue to put myself in this situation. I don't know why I keep going back for more.

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As for affairs, I don't believe that I could ever fully trust him again. The first affair was while we were still newlyweds. Since I left, he resumed a relationship w/his 2nd EX (I'm #3) and there's the latest OW that left a voicemail for him this morning telling him that she loved him. He has vehemently denied that anything is going on between them and insists that she is "just a friend".

He has said that because he saw me talking to guy at church, he resumed relationship w/EX. Now, because I am still going to same church, when I go he says I know where he will be (he means w/the one that today left the VM). He makes those comments but then comes back and says that he wouldn't really do that. Now, knowing about the cell phone and today's voicemail, I know that he has been lieing.

I do have to say that I have not been the model wife. I lied to my H about my past and came clean on one thing a couple of months before I moved out. I am extremely ashamed of things I did as a teenager (now 47) and would not want anyone to know. My H knows those things to include one thing that no one knows but me and the other person involved. He holds those things over my head and threatens to tell people if I don't do what he wants me to.

I didn't handle his kids well. I did not have any say so over what went on in our home. He allowed my SS to move back and forth 11 times in about 3 years. My SD was given things (pager, car, cell phone) when I didn't approve but he did it anyway; I had to help pay for but had no say so. I do not like them or the young adults they have become. I don't approve of what they do and they are both users in my opinion. This is a huge fight between us.

If I do anything for my DD he scrutinizes it because of how I scrutinized what he did w/his kids.

I have lied a lot to him about what he considers inconsequential things. If I talked to someone (family or friend) and he asked if I talked to them I would often say no. The reason is because there were some ugly arguments early on because of things that were said and that got back to him. He could/can talk to whomeverhe wants when he wants but I can't. So, if he asks if I talked to a friend or family member (female) I often say no to avoid arguments. I know this is wrong and I need to work on it.

Our marriage quickly evolved into a one-sided relationship. If he wanted something and I didn't agree, he pushed and bullied me until he got what he wanted. Because of my past and because of how I knew he felt about it, I would allow him to walk all over me in order to avoid confrontation. In an argument he would always/still does bring my past up.

I should have set boundaries of what I would and would not tolerate. Instead, I allowed him total control and I pouted and put up with until I could no longer tolerate what he was doing and I left.

In the almost two years that I've been gone, I have not one single time wanted to go home. I've gone home a couple of times but only because he gave me an ultimatum that he would divorce me if I didn't. I guess it was almost a "buying time" reaction on my part.

My H has not changed. He has not made me feel that he and I will be equal partners in our marriage. He has not made me feel that I will be the most important person in his life outside of God.

He tells me that if I will come home he will do everything within his power to make our marriage work. He tells me that he loves me and that he still loves me very much despite all that has happened but I must come home for him to change.

So, I am separated x 2 years, married to a man who has had multiple affairs including an ongoing one. Our finances are 100% mingled, he is living in our home and all my stuff is still there. He has the neighbor across the road keeping an eye on things so that if I went there he would be notified. I can't think of another option but for my DD to go there in the afternoons after school. If I make him mad he knows enough about my past to shame me in front of everyone I know.

I'm in a mess!!!!!!!

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H is still out of town. Do I try to find OWs house while he's gone so I'm not going to accidentally run into him? Do I need any more proof than what I already have for legal reasons?

I have all the proof I need to know that an A is going on; at very least EA, most likely PA.

Does anyone have any advice on this issue?

I'm going to try to find another place for my DD to go after school until things are better. I know that if I go forward with D he will become nasty and would probably say things to DD to hurt me. I don't think he would hurt her just me through her.

He's going to be losing a lot if we D and the OW (who apparently is well off) probably might not find him quite so "Handsome" afterwards.

God, don't allow me to be vindictive and put myself on his level.

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Octobergirl,
What I want more than anything is:

1) To have my life back. I have been living with a family member for almost 2 years. I want a home for me and my DD.

2) I want peace in my life.

3) I want control (full if divorced or 50/50 if married) of what happens in my home and with my finances.

I am not afraid of being on my own because I've done it before. If I need something I can call a friend, a family member, fix it myself or look in the yellow pages.

I thank God, and I mean that with all sincerity, that I have a good job and am financially secure. I don't live extravagantly and can take care of myself and DD.

_________________________________________________________
Ok,so how are YOU going to make all this come to fruition?

1)Even if a home means an apratment,how can you make that happen? Have the financial security? You say you want your life back but it's right there.What you need to find is the WAY you want it to go.Read my sig line.


2)Peace.Yes,we all would like that.How can you make that happen? What is *preventing it from happening now? Clean house and get rid of whatever is preventing it.


3)If you own a home with your H,this can go a couple of ways.If and when you did decide to D,you could get the home in your name and pay off your H in equity X number of years down the road,sell the home and restart.I am getting our home in my name and it will be mine post D.My WH is keeping all our retirment funds as a "trade off'.The equity is somewhat equal so we both agreed to this.if I didn;t feel so bonded to my home I would probably sell it,split the money and start over but the kids and I love our home so we are keeping it.


It's good that you are not afrais of being alone.There is a difference between being alone and lonely.I need to be ablone sometimes,it's in my nature.I don';t have to answer to anyone but myself.


[quote] I thank God, and I mean that with all sincerity, that I have a good job and am financially secure. I don't live extravagantly and can take care of myself and DD.



That's good too.I am the same way essentially.I don;t need millions of dollars to be happy.I am just glad I have a job that I like,money left over and all my bills are paid.Of course if it happened that I came into more money then I would do good things with it but right now,I am very secure financially,I have my home and the future looks bright.


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As for having a man in my life, yes. I do want to be married. I want someone in my life that I can share my life with. I want someone to hope, dream, plan with. Someone to share God with. Someone to grow old with. I want a companion. I want someone that will pamper and adore me and someone for whom I can do that in return.

I truly thought that I had found that person in my H and I believe that the shattering of those dreams and the let down of it all is what hurts the most.




I can appreciate that.I would like that too.But if it doesnt happen for me then I will accept that too.I am not going to acccept just anyone though.For me,it will have to be the right time and the right man,as much as I know.It should be for you too.No one knows a person 100%,you just can't.We have to make decisions in our lives with what we do know and if someone hurts us we have to try and deal with that as best we can.I understand your hurt.We all have experienced that betrayal.e can rise above it though,with faith and love and action.



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My life is not happy, I don't feel safe and the relationship we have is far from healthy. Why can't I let him go? I don't know. I wish I knew why I continue to put myself in this situation. I don't know why I keep going back for more.



Sometimes you just have to DO IT.LET GO.Don;t think about it.When I chose to file for a D,my mind was filled with all kinds of thoughts: "oh give him one more chance,he really is the love of your life,it will get better,don't do this to the kids,your beloved marriage is ending,what will people think,will I be ok,I don't want to be alone,I am hurting so much,why did he do this to me,how can he throw it all away,why am I going through this pain" and so on.It was so loud in my mind.I had to shut it all out and look at things from a less emotional perspective.Does this make sense?


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I am extremely ashamed of things I did as a teenager (now 47) and would not want anyone to know. My H knows those things to include one thing that no one knows but me and the other person involved. He holds those things over my head and threatens to tell people if I don't do what he wants me to.



That's cruel to hang that over your head.I can't imagine being with someone who threatens me.He would hit the door so fast.I know it's easier to say then if you actuallly live though it but I have dealt with people like that and they do hit the door.

Ok,it's clear you haven't been the model wife.He wasn't the model H.So where do you go from here? Well,if you both start at square one,and are committed to making your marriage better and family happy,then you both have to work at it,forgive eachother your tresspasses and move forward toward a better future.If however he isn't committed to that,continues to threaten you and act inappropriately and is not making your marriage and home life a loving,secure and safe place to be,then you have to make some decisions.


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So, I am separated x 2 years, married to a man who has had multiple affairs including an ongoing one. Our finances are 100% mingled, he is living in our home and all my stuff is still there. He has the neighbor across the road keeping an eye on things so that if I went there he would be notified. I can't think of another option but for my DD to go there in the afternoons after school. If I make him mad he knows enough about my past to shame me in front of everyone I know.

I'm in a mess!!!!!!!


Get OUT of the mess.What are you holding onto? If you can't even get something down onpaper,then there is your answer L2S.All you have to do is take that first step.You can split everything if you need to.I did.No more joint anything (except home) but that will change once we finally D.You can't dwell on thepast now.It' stime to get the life you want and make it happen.Get out of the quagmire.

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He tells me that if I will come home he will do everything within his power to make our marriage work. He tells me that he loves me and that he still loves me very much despite all that has happened but I must come home for him to change.


How does this ultimatum work? Is he truly acting in a loving way? I would say NOT.

Listen.I am not advocating D.BUT,I will say this: I want YOU to have enough strength to be able to handle ANY situation you are in so,whatever decisions you make,you can feel secure in them despite whatever he spouts forth.YOU are the only one you have to convinve here.Once you have that power within,it's all so clear.I want you to get to that place.I am sending vibes to you. Can you hear me? The choice is yours L2S.The power I feel and what I try to send other's is what I feel is God being right here with me.No matter what the challenge,no matter how much pain,I have my faith and God will see me through and I have made it: adultery,death,cancer,divorce.If you don't believe in God believe in YOU.

O


BW(me)40 DDay 10/11/03 Divorcing 'The Reformer'- enneagram type 1 ~Let Higher Minds Prevail~ --------------- ~Life isn't complicated,we make it that way~
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Sometimes you just have to DO IT.LET GO.Don;t think about it.When I chose to file for a D,my mind was filled with all kinds of thoughts: "oh give him one more chance,he really is the love of your life,it will get better,don't do this to the kids,your beloved marriage is ending,what will people think,will I be ok,I don't want to be alone,I am hurting so much,why did he do this to me,how can he throw it all away,why am I going through this pain" and so on.It was so loud in my mind.I had to shut it all out and look at things from a less emotional perspective.Does this make sense?
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This is where I am right now. I'm doing all the what if's and why's. I'm driving myself crazy rehashing everything and wondering how to get to the point where I truly let go. I want a resolution soon. 2 yrs in limbo is enough for both of us. The fact that I know he has OW makes it really hard.

I want the house but he says he's keeping it. It was his before we married; I sold mine and moved into his. Not sure he can afford it but guess that's his problem.

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Get OUT of the mess.What are you holding onto? If you can't even get something down onpaper,then there is your answer
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By can't get on paper do you mean my earlier comment about not being able to write down many pros about marriage?

I do believe in God. I want so desperately to know that I am hearing from God in this situation. Unfortunately, I think I'm like the guy whose house was flooding and asked God to rescue him. God sent the cops, God sent the boat, God sent the helicopter yet he still kept asking.

Thanks for the uplifting words. I know in my head and my gut that divorce is the answer. I'm just having a hard time getting my heart to listen.

I really need to get my finances separated. I've been helping w/everything just as if I still lived there. I've enabled him to maintain his lifestyle while being w/someone else.

I'm just not sure how it would look in court that I did get separate checking account and stop helping w/bills. I think I would continue to help w/mortgage. Think that would strengthen my claim to half equity.

Any thoughts from anyone on the above? Would it be best to leave as is? Tried to get attorney on phone yesterday be he was out.

Thanks all for prayers and advice.

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Found her house today. Not sure what I expected to see but saw nothing!!! Just guess I have a mental image of vehicle being there.

Checked VM a 100 times. No more messages from her and he hasn't checked them. I have no doubt that when he hears it he will erase it immediately since that's how he got caught last time.

I really don't know what to do about financial issues. I'm going to try attorney again on Monday. Don't know if starting separate checking acoount and just helping w/mortgage would be viewed as good or bad by judge. I do know that would heat up his anger. He might have to sell some things that make him appear to be a great catch to the OW. Wonder if she knows our finances. I bet not unless she wants to take care of him. Unfortunately she's probably like me. He's told her enough of his side of our story that she feels sorry for him and wants to make it all better.

They've been talking now for at least 2-3 months and she told him she loved him. But, he says she's this wonderful Christian woman who wouldn't get involved w/a married man and that she wouldn't date anyone divorced until final at least 8 months. Guess she relaxed her standards!!

Part of me wants to tell my H that I want to start going to cnurch w/him and make sure we go where she goes so she will see us together. Part of me wants to stoop to that level, move back home, and make him miserable. God help me, I do.

I was so looking forward to this weekend and now, after hearing her VM, my heart hurts.

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.."Hi Handsome. I have been thinking about you all day today. Blah Blah Blah. If I don't hear from you before I will talk to you on Monday. I love you."

That was similar to the d/d message which erupted the A volcano. That ride for me lasted 3 years. Wasn't pleasant or pretty. It was rough and ugly. Ended with seeing the OW in court while she filed bogus RO charges against the then Xws.

So here's what you do.

1. Get yourself financially secure - separate accounts.

2. Don't fear your past. If it helps you let others know, let them know. Don't let him threaten you about your exposure. Most won't give much care if that is in your past and you are better now. It is his present conduct that will hurt, so he really can't make you look as bad as him.

3. If you can keep that VM, record it.

4. Get secured housing for you and your children, take your stuff and move out. He has kids, that's his business.

5. Right now, consider moving to the D option. He is being abusive and you need to remove yourself from that environment.

6. Don't worry if the OW is a millionaire. If she is stupid enough to fall for his lines, she deserves a WS in her life. Dumb OW!!!!!

7. See if you can have a session or 2 with Steve H @ MB via phone counseling. ASAP

8. Read Love must be tough by Dr James Dobson.

9. Keep posting here.

10. Consider getting IC for your daughter.

11. Create your own personal support group. C/b a neighbor, workmate, relative, teacher at your d's school, your pet, anyone or thing...... you'd be surprised where your strength will come from.

12. Identify your personal boundaries and implement them. It s/b a short list.

You will survive.

L.

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Yeah, I will survive. Just hate all the pain and emotional turmoil. Hate all the would ofs, could ofs, should ofs.

Unfortunately, I've left things wide open for him to have A. I haven't been there in home and he's been left to his own devices for two years. So, his A isn't my fault but I allowed him to room to do so because I haven't been there.

This is all just so hard. Love and marriage shouldn't be like this. I hate the pain of it all. I hate the starting over.

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I am so miserable right now. I can go for days without thinking kind thoughts about him. I can go for days without calling him.

Then, I hear a song or something makes me think about a good time and I get really sad. I'm sure it's the same for everyone else, too.

I'm just really down right now. Knowing that he is having a second or third PA/EA after he promised that he would never hurt me like that again is so very hard to handle.

I can do so well for awhile and then all the emotion comes crashing back in and I think about the end and have such a hard time.

He's coming back on Monday and I know her intent is to see him. Part of me wants to go back into town late Monday evening and see what he does. It's kind of hard though around our house because the neighbor across the street is his big buddy and she will tell him if she sees me. The OW lives in a gated community and getting in is hard but not impossible. If he was there and I was able to get in would I just knock on the door and say "surprise" or "welcome home"?

Please pray for me. I truly need it now more than ever.

Thanks, all.

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Life2Short,

I am butting into this conversation because your situation reminds me of what I went through (although we were not separated for 2 years).


I see several common "symptoms" of a person who has been subject to verbal/emotional abuse: not standing up for yourself (e.g., refusing to tolerate name calling, afraid of a difficult divorce), not being able to break away from your husband, focusing more on what he is doing instead of your & your life, and cycling from the good memories to the bad ones.

My suggestion is, as before, please educate yourself about verbal/emotional abuse and please get support to break the cycle.

Think about when you and your H were first dating...you would not have continued to date him if he did these things. So, how did you get to this point? Why do you feel so confused? IMHO, these are common symptoms of a victim of verbal/emotional abuse. IMO, you need to understand what the dynamics are of your relationship with your H so that you can better understand your feelings and what to do.

One more note, please understand that other people looking in on your situation cannot understand why you would stay in the situation or not take more positive actions for yourself. It can be very frustrating for outsiders to watch. I'm not saying that you are excused from taking positive actions, I'm just saying that outsiders may not understand and may assume things that are not true (such as, that you are afraid of being alone, etc). However, you can learn from what they see -- they are shocked & you would be too if you saw your life/situation from an outsider's point of view. Try thinking of your daughter or best friend in your situation -- what advice would you give her? Wouldn't you want her to be treated well by her H? Woudl you want her to have peace, happiness & self-confidence back? I'm not saying that you have to get a D; I'm just saying that you should get help regarding the emotional abuse so that you can understand what is going on and you can make better decisions about what to do.

Ok - I'm butting back out - sorry for the intrusion


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U need to get yourself in a stronger stance...... right now you need to realize it isn't about the OW. She is just one stinky part of it. It is more about how abusive he is to you and your family. How that should not be enabled or tolerated by you and your family.

It is ok to say no to an abuser. You can't dwell on the good times...... maybe you haven't really had 'good times' with him.....just some better than others?!?!?!?

L.

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Thanks for butting in......... I appreciate the insight. Sometimes it's hard to step back and look at your situation objectively or see it through other's eyes because you're knee deep in it.

You are all so very right. I've allowed this situation to go on and to become what it is because I keep going back for more. My actions keep postponing the ultimate decision; fix it or forget it. I get so close and then back down. I've been to an attorney and have draft papers to work on; I just keep postponing going back.

I plan to go this afternoon to get a couple of books that have been recommended. Just finished book by Joel Osteen. Greg Laurie (sp?) just came on TV. I like him a lot. Guess what his topic is today??? Fixing your marriage!!!

I hate it when things like that happen 'cause I want to internalize everything based on what is going on in my life. Is this a "sign"?

You're right in that I would not have tolerated what he is now doing to me.

Well. Time to get ready for church.
I'm so excited. I can go to church today and not have to fight w/him on the phone because I'm going. I can go without having to look over my shoulder, afraid that he might show up.

Orchid=
You are so right. I do need to stop what's going on and I do have the ability to do that by saying "no". I can hang up, not be in contact, tell him that he can't treat me in that way. He has often told me that if he starts cursing, hang up. I often do but I also often don't.

Thanks, guys.

Have a wonderful day today. I will. I feel so at peace right now.

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Church was great.. The message....Setting priorities in your life and realizing that we have a finite amount of time on earth and we need to spend it on what really matters...

Having a good day so far. Wondering what tomorrow will hold w/H coming back into town. The OW expects to hear from H and I'm sure she will. Thinking about taking my D home and then going back to house just to bust up any plans she might have for being w/him.

I can't access cell phone records on line. He beat me to the punch. He knows that I will see her number so he registered first and now I can't access his phone or my own. Both bills come to our house. He reg'd mine because he has a second line on there and I imagine he calls her from that when out of range of other phone. Wish I had a friend at the cell company that would reprint the bill for me but I don't. I'll just have to make trips to the house daily before the next one comes to see if I can get it before he does. But his buddy across the street will tell him what I'm doing so that won't work.

The resumption of "platonic" (his word) relationship w/2nd EXW really hurt. But, hearing the OW tell my H that she loves him was really a punch in the stomach.

I've thought about plan B as Ark has suggested but I'm not really sure how to go about that. Anyone have a source for sample ones that others have done? Not sure if that's what I need to do or not.

I'm up one minute and down the next. Amazes me how much time I waste focusing on all this when there are more valuable things I could be doing. I'm just really hurt by all this and I don't know how to stop that.

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I just read your post on sadmommy's thread. Is yours an affair marriage?

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I just read your post on sadmommy's thread. Is yours an affair marriage?

Yes. My H had an A in our first year of marriage. I stayed (I was in love) and we survived.

In January 2004, he moved my SS and his wife and baby in over my strongly expressed ojbections. Rocky relationship w/my SS and SD. Bad stuff. Anyway, I told him that I could not handle it but he didn't care because about 2 months earlier I had told him about some more of my past as a 15-16 y/o that he had always suspected and always accused me of but I lied about. So, moved them in and my D and I moved out.

We've been out since then. He has tried several times to get me to come home and I have briefly to keep option of being able to go home open; no other way to describe. I never wanted to go home;still don't.

He resumed relationship w/his 2nd EXW after he says he saw me talking to guy at church. That cooled off and has stopped to my knowledge. Thru our business he met a divorced woman who told him she was interested in dating him if we divorced. Now, apparently she has relaxed her standsrds because they talk constantly on cell phone.

Since I moved out I'm not there and he has 100% opportunity to see her every evening. I don't check up on him. From the cell phone bill, to calling late in evening and he doesn't answer home phone but answers cell, to him hiding the cell phone bill and creating online account that I don't have access to, to the VM she left him Thursday evening saying she loves him I believe that he is now having an affair, either EA or most probably PA.

He doesn't know I know his password and I'm tempted to delete her message but leave the others.

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Ooops. I guess I didn't make myself clear. Was your husband married when the two of you hooked up?

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You know, I had a feeling that I didn't quite understand your question!?!?!?!?

No. He had been divorced almost 3 years and I had been divorced about a year and a half.

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I was tempted to delete the OWs voicemail. He beat me to it. Oh, well.

He called me about company related stuff but did tell me he loved me. Wonder if he called her, too?

Can anyone "pray me" a backbone?!?!?! I really, really, really want to resolve this thing one way or another. I'm really tired of fence sitting. I want a marriage or I want my freedom to put my life back in order.

I am concerned that we have both allowed so much to go on without resolution that we don't stand much of a chance of getting past all the junk.

I'm crushed that he would have another A after all he put me through the first time. I'm angry that he would give me such a hard time and be so incredibly nasty about me going to church when he's been carrying on with OW to the extent that she is telling him she loves him.

That's my double standards guy!!!

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At work. Can't stay on very long. Last thing I need is to lose job.

OW just left VM for my WH. No doubt their having A. She loves him very much, misses him, can't wait to see him, blah blah blah. Makes me sick.

Anyway, she told him what her day is like and when she will be free to meet him. Do I go to where she said she was going to be and try to follow and catch them together or do I leave alone, realize that he hasn't changed, is scum of the earth, take the evidence I have and proceed with divorce?

I'm shaking so badly right now....
I'm so hurt and angry all rolled into one. How could he?

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Save the voicemail if you can.

I would file for seperation, if that is available in your state, and get some legal protection.

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I may have been mistaken about who he is seeing. He may have told me other person to throw me off track. He told me the one I thought it was didn't work.

In the VM OW mentioned having interview at XXX and meeting w/XXX at noon till about 1:30. The person the OW mentioned having a staff meeting w/is a licensed therapist!!!!! Does OW work w/therapist? My WH mentioned talking to a female counselor a while back and that she told him lots of stuff one of which was that if I was doing X and X and X the marriage was over!!

Is he seeing the female counselor??????

Should I try to find location and follow her to see if my WH and the OW meet?

Wow, I could have some blackmail stuff of my own!!!! Imagine the ethical trouble she would be in if this is true. Just me rambling but........

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