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2long, I can't give you much help since I'm nowhere near recovery myself. I only wanted to let you know that you were a tremendous help to me personally, especially in my early frantic stages and I only wish the best for you. You certainly deserve it.
Sometimes I think I have been at this a long time and then I remember the veterans like you and realize what true committment really is!
I just wanted to let you know that I was thinking of you and truly hope better days lie ahead for you.
Married 10 years, Legally Seperated Aug 2,2006 1 year of Plan A followed by 1 year of Plan B... ...now stepping towards recovery????? BH 37(me), WW 35, DB 7 & DD 5 My Story My struggle with an EA
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She bought a key lime pie <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> must..........be..........rational must.........keep.........my.............witts breathe....... whew............. OK. I'm better. She isn't THAT bad afterall.......... WAT
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2,
Let's see old man.
Pie, Key Lime, sz med., 1 ea.
vs.
Life, size extra-large. 2 ea.
hmmmmm.
Let's see, where'd I put my crooked scales?
THUNK
Seems not quite even.
How can they be so cruel? Those guy's keep making these pies smaller and smaller.
-AD
Last edited by _AD_; 02/09/06 02:01 AM.
A guy, 50. Divorced in 2005.
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2L, It seems to me you need to say a few things to her. A very wise man said on this very thread the following things. The thing is the realization has really hit me yes2rday and 2day. I've been exclusive with my W for 32 years, coming up in April. And now it's over, but we're still doing stuff 2gether, planning the fu2re 2gether (which is just fine, so long as she can keep her friend).
More than it hit me when I made the appointment with the mediator. We're still VERY attached 2 one another. Extremely, in fact. And I feel her making so much effort 2 maintain the attachment - ...so long as she can keep her friend. Real-estate entanglements (thankfully, in several months, we should be out of one of them) family obligation entanglements. More, but I'm just 2 sick of all this 2 go on.
I realize that I really do love my W. But I can't so much as convince her of that (beyond the extent that she already knows and is jake with ...so long as she gets 2 keep her friend)
I realize that my integrity requires that I hold myself 2 the promises I made. And since I'm already doing that with my M, I get back 2 the family support thang, which means stuff like completing the restoration of our home even if we file for DV simultaneously.
I realize a lot of other things, 2.
*I almost sent her the SKM post yes2rday. But I realized that's educating her, and she probably wouldn't read past the first sentence anyway. So, in frustration, I deleted the email before finishing it. Is that CA? I don't think so, but maybe it is. Resignation, I think is more likely. I can't influence her or change her.
*I've thought 2 offer 2 pay for Harley coaching. But if I do, I should just make myself an appointment and tell her about it, and see if she'll participate at all - fully aware that she very likely won't. And then I remember what a collossal waste of time and money it was for me 2 have spent 3 years off and on in IC or individual "marriage coaching".
*I've thought about confronting RM, or exposing 2 his alleged new W. I have his address, email and phone number from the internet, but I don't have hers. I don't even know her name. I don't even know if she exists. And I really don't want 2 so much as acknowledge RM's own existence by contacting him.
I don't think my W is consciously manipulating me. I think she's subconsciously manipulating herslef and perhaps our marriage - by committing herself 2 staying in roundabout ways (like us buying a second house or helping my DD and her H buy a house this year) - so long as she can keep her friend, that is.
I still haven't decided what I'm going 2 do. And neither has she. I think these words would crystalize some thoughts in both of your minds and perhaps lead to action with regard to your marriage. Just a thought. Hang in there 2L, I think the answer is coming. JL
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2L,
Ditto what JL posted and sending u a {{{hug}}}.
take care,
L.
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Oh!
This thread had already dropped a few pages by the time I logged in 2day. I almost missed it.
Thanks for the posts, AD, JL, Orchid (and, of course, WAT - the pie is DELISH)
I sort of think somethings gonna happen soon (soon, as in compared 2 the past 4 years, perhaps).
But I don't know what. And I'm going 2 try not 2 fret over the whatness of it.
I even applied for a job in another town. Don't expect 2 be offered the job, but you never know... ...including what might unfold as a result of filling out the ap.
-ol' 2long
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This is sorta off topic, so I'm going 2 put it here. A quote about war.
We often hear about recovery from infidelity being compared 2 fighting a war. I don't much like war, though I've not fought in one. I'd rather do something else.
Clifford Simak had a way with words. Here is what he said about warfare, in his science fiction novel "Way Station" (1963):
"And that had not been the first time nor had it been the last, but all the years of killing boiled down in essence to that single moment—not the time that came after, but that long and terrible instant when he had watched the lines of men purposefully striding up the slope to kill him. It had been in that moment that he had realized the insanity of war, the futile gesture that in time became all but meaningless, the unreasoning rage that must be nursed long beyond the memory of the incident that had caused the rage, the sheer illogic that one man, by death or misery, might prove a right or uphold a principle. Somewhere, he thought, on the long backtrack of history, the human race had accepted an insanity for a principle and had persisted in it until today that insanity-turned-principle stood ready to wipe out, if not the race itself, at least all of those things, both material and immaterial, that had been fashioned as symbols of humanity through many hard-won centuries."
-ol' 2long
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Insanity, indeed.
Hang tough guy.
WAT
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Tell that to the terrorists of the world and see if they care.
None of us likes war, but it seems, that is a way of life for 'them'.
When a cartoon insights riots and nary a peep when there are suicide bombings or the beheading of innocent people.
Are we supposed to sit by and let evil take over the world when most of us just want to get along. Are we supposed to be conflict avoiders and sit back and just wait?
So, when someone attacks the family we use whatever weapons in our arsenal to try to save it...some are more benign than others.
Dr. Phil would ask you why it is up to your wife what happens in your life? (He has a better way of saying that) Why is it up to her to decide when you let her know your position months ago? Could there still be a bit of CA left in there?
Anyway, I really don't have all the answers. I know it is a difficult path that you are currently maneuvering.
Married 1976
Me:BS
Him:FWS
MB Weekend March 2003
2 S's: '77 & '80, 1 D: '82
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Trix:
Obviously, they wouldn't care. And maybe the solultion is 2 reduce those with such thoughts 2 radioactive glass.
But my W said she would think about my boundaries (though she still insists they're selfish demands). I intend 2 "wait" and see what she comes up with.
I'm almost certain I won't regret my choices regardless of the outcome.
Almost.
-ol' 2long
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No one hates war more than the ones that have to fight them! I know I dont like it, even though I have been a professional soldier for most of my adult life.
I dont mind fighting a war. I dont mind killing terrorists and breaking their stuff. I dont like it...but I dont mind doing it.
The men and women that stand watch on the towers are the reason the hordes of those barabrians dont kill us in our sleep.
War is made possible because evil men and women push the good people to it. The war on terrorism wasn't started by the U.S. That was because a few idiots flew our planes into our buildings and a lot of our friends died. And Americans are funny that way...we really dont want to have that happen again.
That has been our reaction throughout our history. You bomb a nightclub in Germany with U.S. soldiers being killed (Libya), then we drop bombs in your front yard. You drop bombs on one of our states (Hawaii), and we drop two nukes on you.
That's what I dont get about these little SOBs. Our history shows that we arent like a lot of other countries. We actually are not like any other country. And with a history of not backing down and destroying our enemies after they hit us...I just dont get these people. Didnt they know that we would and will respond this way? Tobie keith's song says it very well.
Again, I dont like war. Dont want to fight in one ever again. But, somebody punch us in the mouth again? I have no problem being a part of the can full of whoopass. As far as I am concerned...they asked for it!
In His arms.
Standing in His PresenceFBS (me) (48) FWW (41) Married April 1993... 4 kids (19(B), 17(G), 14(B), 4(B)) Blessed by God more than I deserve "If Jesus is your co-pilot...you need to change seats!"Link: The Roles of Husbands and Wives
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Oh and 2Long...on the war analogy with affairs...it is so true!
So far, your sitch seems like the DMZ in Korea. Everyone knows one of these days, this thing needs to get resolved. but no one wants to get that war started again. Thus...stalemate.
In His arms.
Standing in His PresenceFBS (me) (48) FWW (41) Married April 1993... 4 kids (19(B), 17(G), 14(B), 4(B)) Blessed by God more than I deserve "If Jesus is your co-pilot...you need to change seats!"Link: The Roles of Husbands and Wives
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2long ~ But my W said she would think about my boundaries (though she still insists they're selfish demands). I intend 2 "wait" and see what she comes up with. Your wife is right on this one. You don't have a boundary against her having a guy on the side. A boundary requires that you change. A selfish demand requires that the other person change. Your behavior up to this very minute, has said that you are willing to accept a marriage of three. You have stayed, all along, for any number of reasons (valid or not is not the point), expecting HER to change who she is so that you can be happy in your marriage. You are at war with your wife. Stalemate indeed. She wants things her way, you want them your way, but if push comes to shove, she gets her way. And you wait, becoming more detached and resentful by the day when she doesn't surrender. But why would she? She's gotten the marriage and the guy on the side every step of the way.
~ Pain is a given, misery is optional ~
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yeppers
A boundary requires that you change.
A selfish demand requires that the other person change.
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Peps right...that is brilliant Bramble.
In His arms.
Standing in His PresenceFBS (me) (48) FWW (41) Married April 1993... 4 kids (19(B), 17(G), 14(B), 4(B)) Blessed by God more than I deserve "If Jesus is your co-pilot...you need to change seats!"Link: The Roles of Husbands and Wives
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MM:
"That's what I dont get about these little SOBs. Our history shows that we arent like a lot of other countries. We actually are not like any other country. And with a history of not backing down and destroying our enemies after they hit us...I just dont get these people. Didnt they know that we would and will respond this way? Tobie keith's song says it very well."
It's a perverse kind of jealousy that drives the Binnies of the world. That, and a complete lack of any regard for the lives of their "soldiers", who they laughed about after 9/11. It's our freedoms and prosperity (on average) that tweaks them the most. They believe that people should be pawns.
-ol' 2long
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Well, crap.
I'll leave my "last post" there, but explain why BR's post pi$$e$ me off as much as it does here:
"Your wife is right on this one."
Whattheh11ever.
"You don't have a boundary against her having a guy on the side."
bullpuckey.
"A boundary requires that you change."
Truth.
"A selfish demand requires that the other person change."
Truth.
"Your behavior up to this very minute, has said that you are willing to accept a marriage of three."
Do I want 2 be right or do I want 2 be married? Define "acceptance". What does it really mean 2 you, BR?
"You have stayed, all along, for any number of reasons (valid or not is not the point), expecting HER to change who she is so that you can be happy in your marriage."
It isn't because this is accurate, or "brilliant" that I'm angered by it. It's because it's so half-true/half exaggerated (and certainly disrespectful) that I'm angered by it.
"You are at war with your wife. Stalemate indeed. She wants things her way, you want them your way, but if push comes to shove, she gets her way."
Partial half-truths (quarter truths?). Here's where the war metaphor falls down, though. I hereby choose the nonviolent protest approach over all out war.
"And you wait, becoming more detached and resentful by the day when she doesn't surrender."
Missed again. Detached, yes. But less resentful. Resigned, I think was the term I used above. Resignation means acceptance. I can't change her. I've always known that. YOU KNOW that I've known that. So what is this horse$h!+ for?
"But why would she?"
Why would she what?
"She's gotten the marriage and the guy on the side every step of the way."
...
Maybe I really will give this nonsense up after all.
-ol' 2long
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MM:
The character in Simak's story was describing Pickett's Charge, which was a very insane, pointless waste of human lives. ...and Simak wrote that during the height of the Cold War, around the Cuban Missle Crisis, when we as kids were learning 2 duck under our school desks in the event of a nuke attack... And it's funny, I wasn't even 10 yet. And yet we ALL knew how unlikely we (or the world, for that matter) were 2 survive such an attack.
A friend of mine is a Civil War historian. When discussing Ken Burns' "The Civil War" program once, we got talking about one of the historian's comments about the Emancipation of the slaves by Lincoln.
She said "Freeing the slaves enobled what would have othewise been nothing but a bloody conflict."
My friend's ANGRY response was: "The Civil War WAS nothing but a bloody conflict. Freeing the slaves did NOTHING 2 change that!"
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All true 2Long. Even one of my heros. General Robert E. Lee, said it best: It is well that war is so terrible -- lest we should grow too fond of it. In His arms.
Standing in His PresenceFBS (me) (48) FWW (41) Married April 1993... 4 kids (19(B), 17(G), 14(B), 4(B)) Blessed by God more than I deserve "If Jesus is your co-pilot...you need to change seats!"Link: The Roles of Husbands and Wives
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