"My mission was to be allowed the opportunity to protect my daughter"

"I am her mother, her legal guardian and custodial parent who is responsible for her health and wellbeing."



All these months I have heard how you slept with some guy and thought you were pregnant. Then you met your current BF and how you struggled with sex issues with him. People were telling you that you had your daughter to focus on, instead of men in your life. You made all kind of excuses as to why it was so difficult for you to deal with your daughter, you pretty much gave up on her.

Why were you not protecting her before? Why were you not acting like a responsible parent?

Yes, I am angry, because your daughter should have been your first priority not men!

AMEN!!!!!!!!!!

MOS, Alluring, Immovingon,

Thanks so much for your support and compassion in this difficult time. I'm sure all this wisdom you've offered me comes from the fact that you've lived my life and witnessed my parenting and my interraction with my daughter over the last several years.

(When someone is wounded, I generally want to try and lift them up, not finish them off.)

LL

Your choice not to really hear what I've been saying doesn't mean that I've "tried to finish you off"; it merely means that you prefer that delusion to the truth.

I called you on your shameful behavior out of compassion for the wretched way you treat yourself. Your indulgence of your habits of self-centeredness and the anger problems they create has brought you to this place, where when faced with a major epoch in her life, your daughter doesn't want your participation, and no wonder since apparently what you offer her is the shame of having to hide from and be protected from the pathetic lunatic screaming how medical personnel won't break the law to suit her. It's terrible to see you doing this to your life.

But if you prefer to call anything you don't like to hear unpleasant names, that's certainly your choice.

Once again you shift the blame on someone else....US...for telling you like it is. I gave up giving you support and compassion once I realized how you thrive on this crap!

The only thing we have witnessed is your non-stop denial and self-inflicted drama.

LL,

I am truly sorry that your daughter is going through this, my heart goes out for her.

I have 5 children and understand fully how each have their own individuality and issues.

LL, for months people have been telling you to focus on your daughter, they have given you tons of ideas as how you can help her. All you seem to do is make excuses as to why you couldn't do what was advised.

I truly hope this situation have opened your eyes and perhaps now you will place your daughter as your first priority, not BF.

Just an aside...one of the reasons abortion without parental consent was set up is because there are situations where the young woman/girl has been molested/raped by her father. He certainly doesn't want this being brought up to anyone. Typically the daughter is too intimidated by the father. There can be threats about what he'll do to her mother if she finds out. What he'll do to her. Or, she has to insure her father will never find out about the pregnancy as it could lead to further physically abusive behavior.

Although this may seem rare, unfortunately it isn't. Incest is rampant in our society. I know. I've counseled a lot of incest survivors.

I've also been witness to situations where the parents of the pregnant girl refuse to permit an abortion because "you made your bed now lay in it!" Or, a young woman gets raped and wants to abort, but her parents refuse. It's hard when the person is a "minor". Because they will ultimately have to live with the choice into adulthood. So, if abortion is denied, they may end up raising a child they never wanted.

I'm not taking a stand one way or the other on pro-choice. Just thought I'd share some of what goes into these types of laws. There are some states that allow a grandparent to sign for the child under these circumstances. Some require that the young woman goes before a judge to be granted permission, with the court serving as temporary guardian.

Hmmm. LL I'm sorry about what you and your daughter are going through. It's a tough time for both of you.

I think Dr. Phil's phrase that goes something like this: you can't change behavior that you don't acknowledge, is generally pretty helpful and I think it applies to you.
(I'm not quoting because I don't remember exactly the way he puts it but I'm dang close.)

I think you have gotten some excellent advice here. Maybe you could try not being so defensive and pay more attention to what has been said.

Just a thought.

Ok, I haven't said anything up until this point, but....

There is a distinct difference between helpful advice and mean-spirited piling on. And a few of the latest posts I've seen on here have fallen distinctly into the latter category. Those of you who are doing it, you know who you are. Don't bother defending yourself or giving reasons - there's no excuse for that kind of behavior. And you really are not someone to be giving LL advice on how to live or raise her child or anything if that is the kind of example you are setting in trying to do so.

For any of those who have been piping in with this type of a "holier-than-thou" attitude that we've been witnessing on here recently, the phrase you should start thinking about is "but for the grace of God go I." There have been plenty of wonderful parents in this world who have raised criminals, murderers, and the like, and plenty of parents who could only be called such only by the most loose definition of the word that have turned out pillars of society.

Constructive advice is one thing, but telling someone in so many words that she is a horrible parent and that if she hadn't been a horrible parent, she wouldn't be in this situation is in no way, shape, or form constructive. It doesn't belong here. It's offensive. You only know about her life what little has been printed on these boards, and that's it. And no one here is qualified to make those kinds of judgements about ANYONE here.

So everyone here that's been climbing up on those high horses needs to just climb right on back down again. Sheesh. I don't think there's anything wrong with telling someone some hard truths at times when he or she needs to hear it. But that is NOT what is going on here, and I think those involved will admit it if they are honest with themselves.

And trust me, it takes a LOT, a WHOLE LOT, to get me mad. And right now, I am royally ticked. I have lost some patience with LL on a few things myself before, but that doesn't give ANYONE the right to go saying stuff like this to her. This is ridiculous, and a few of you out there should really be ashamed of yourselves right now.

Thank-you osxgirl - I was feeling the same way myself, but certainly couldn't have expressed myself as well as you just did.

deleted b/c question was answered

There's two.... in so many words. Which means that no, what I said was not a direct quote of what any one person said, but WAS essentially the implied meaning behind the whole general drift of the last part of this thread. And it was. And I know I'm not the only one who can see that.


As I said, and as a number of people here were so quick to tell LL, I don't want to here excuses or blame shifting. I just want the abuse of LL to stop now.

Oh, and to LL..... I'm sorry that some people couldn't manage to read those posts again on their own, and you had to see them posted again a second time. Please do forgive me for that.

Most times, when I've had a few hours time and distance such as this, I find my anger has usually cooled, and Iook back and things don't seem as bad as they did on the first read-through.

This time, I find I am actually angrier!!!!!!

To be honest, I think the best thing here would be for a moderator to close this thread, and for LL to open a new support thread, with the hope that those who do not understand what CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM is would keep their - to use the word loosely - opinions to themselves.

Does that clarify that this is the right thread?

I have not been a perfect parent. There are things I regret doing or not doing over the years. Hindsight is 20/20. One child has done very well; one has not. But don't ever suggest that my daughter isn't a high priority for me. You have no idea what my involvement has been with her or how many things I've done to try and help her. Things that work for one child don't always work for another. I believe she would have been best served by a stay-at-home-mom who could have been involved in her life 24/7 during her earlier years, given her ADHD/ODD, but that wasn't an option. Having her father begin his affair at the same time she was dropped from her IEP and started high school, and having a mother who did nothing but "exist" (sleep, work, cook, do laundry, and sleep again) for the first six months after all h*ll broke loose couldn't have been worse timing either. Everyone who knows me personally (my family, my friends, my pastors) ALL agree that the turning point with her happened two years ago when the family fell apart. And the vast majority of those same people, as well as the therapist she used to see and the therapist I now see have told me that she is at an age where control, consequences, or punishments won't work. She has decided she's an adult, and I've been told that the best thing I can do is let her go and be there for her at the point she decides it's not working, but with rules so that she is no longer allowed to walk all over me, because that does a disservice to both of us.

And as for her being pregnant, it's not just "bad girls" who get pregnant as teens. Granted, she is not a "good girl". But the fact is, if a teen is sexually active, no matter what lifestyle they're living otherwise, there is a risk of pregnancy. That's why I preached abstinance to both my kids from an early age AND why despite my disagreement with her being sexually active, I have tried repeatedly over the last year to get her on birth control.

Because this thread has gotten so ugly, and has strayed so far from it's intended purpose which was to let people know what was going on and to seek some support, I have refrained from posting today--until now. I don't like that everyone is arguing with everyone else, nor have the jabs flying around in some of the posts helped my or my daughter's situation in any positive way.

I understand we all have different opinions about parenting, but I also believe that we should watch how judgemental we are about other peoples' parenting, because all kids are different and your parenting skills might not have caused my daughter to turn out any differently than she did with my parenting. If yours are good kids, be thankful.

That said, for those of you who care what is going on, my daughter is back in Iowa City. She called last night to check in and visited briefly. She hasn't made her decision yet.

LL

Osxgirl,

I think we were posting at the same time, so I repeated some of what you posted.

This may sound odd, but if one is to look for some good that has come from this thread, it reminds me how important it is to be non-judgemental and compassionate to others, and how we should think about how we are responding to someone who is hurting, to make sure we're responding in love. I'm not always good at that either, so it's sort of a personal lesson for me here.

LL

LL- I know what you are going through and my prayers are with you. I think people have a hard time realizing what dealing with a rebellious teen girl is like until they have been through it.

I went through it with my step-daughter. I tried being her friend, tried spending time with her, setting boundaries, getting counseling. None of it worked.

I knew she was sexually active (though I had talked to her about abstinence from an early age), so I physically took her to the doctor for the BC shots that last 4 months. That was when she was 15. I continued taking her until she turned 18. Then she told me that her body was her own, and she would do what she wanted with it.

Six months later, I got an insurance claim rejection letter for her. It was for $800. I called my insurance company and they refused to tell me why it was not paid. It hit me that it must be for an abortion, as they are not covered under Federal workers' insurance.

Sure enough, I questioned her and that was what it was. I explained that I don't believe in abortions, and for her to please use BC, or not involve my insurance. Two months later, another claim denied. Another abortion.

At that time, I removed her from my insurance.

Well, you guessed it. She got pregnant again almost immediately. I spoke to her lovingly and asked her to consider keeping the baby or having it and giving it up for adoption. She decided to have the boy and keep him.

She is now married to the father and has 2 boys, and she is doing just fine.

My point is that these young ladies cannot be controlled. I did my level best, but it wasn't good enough.

Sorry I stand by what I said...If you don't like it or don't agree with it...don't read it. LL knows it's the truth she has admitted it several times. I'm not about to apologize. You may get pissed because we tell her like it is but we get pissed because she constantly whines about things rather than stepping up and fixing them.

Good Day!

You know Allurin, I've been posting to LL for a long time. I've given her advice that she ignores. So I know exactly what you are talking about.

But, you know, she is making changes. Way back when, we couldn't convince her to leave her alcoholic husband. But she did.

I think she is struggling like the rest of us. It is always so much easier to look at someone else's situation and know exactly what to do.

And I think I'll keep reading your posts. I always enjoy them - well, most of them.