No response from WH yet.
I know he had back to back meetings scheduled today.
Don't really expect a response....he is good at just ignoring things. The email was probably a huge LB...I just don't believe he takes me seriously...I'm not kidding. I'd rather be D than remain in a marriage where my H won't talk to me, go out in public alone with me, won't show me ANY nonsexual affection, does not consider my thoughts, opinions or needs, won't share his thoughts with me, undermines me as a parent, does not treat me with respect or show appreciation for anything.

Its been over a year since D-day, almost 2 yrs since I got the I love you but not in love with you speech.

C,

I read the email and don't see any LB'ers in it. You are just stating your desire to move on with your life and that requires completing the necessary paperwork. They only way to get to plan B in your case is by forcing his hand so don't feel bad about doing this.

He will spin the guilt and blame back on you, but does that really suprise you? Get this done and prepare yourself for Plan B.


I know EXACTLY how you feel, except for the SF! Let him take his act somewhere else and have someone else be the recipient.

((( C42 )))

I think the e mail sounded good. How do you feel since sending it ? A little more sure of yourself, more determined ?? You sound real strong lately.

When my yd was in high school she had a huge snake. Yuck... and it always knew when she was not home and it was just me when he decided to venture out of his cage and into other parts of the house !!! OMG I hated it...

My very best to you, C42 - carnation

WH is due home from Puerto Rico tonight. As expected he has not mentioned one thing about the email. He called last night and we talked for 1/2 hour. (that's more than he talks to me in a week!)

He is just throwing crumbs to side track me. Its not going to work. It would take something big like him calling SH to get my attention. I don't see that happening.

c, you don't have to accept crumbs and I know you won't. How long is he back for?

Stay strong...it's an attractive quality and it beats looking needy or clingly. You are way past that I can tell.

C42,

U know he will use this 'dividing assets' time to stall his side of it and you will end up dividing it by yourself. Now why wait for him to play another game.....IMHO, it w/b best to just start dividing. Don't wait for him t/d anything, 'cuz he probably won't. Mine didn't. I had to move stuff on my own and then he wanted to get in the way. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> Arrrgh....then he wanted to talk about reconcile. By then I was in the housekeeping mode and when I get that way.....lots of things go flyin'. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

L.

Today is a beautiful day and WH has been taking on a major yard work project he has been itching to do for awhile. I watch him and think "Why are you even bothering you won't be here to enjoy it!?" .....just more crumbs another ATTEMPT at distraction.

HTW you're right I don't have to settle for crumbs I've been getting them a long time accepting them, craving them...all the time thinking " this is just a phase I know he loves me, he'll come around." I don't think that any more. I am beginning to wonder if thats all he can offer anyone. You don't have to dig too deep for crumbs.


I agree....I've already started. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I found this website called www.flylady.net it a home organization kind of thing. You should see all the "sorting" I've done while he is away on business. As soon as my last paystub comes in (Tuesday or Wednesday) I will be submitting everything. My lawyer sent me a link so I can do my CIS on line avoid having her input the data...saves time and money. She charges $250/hr...but worth every penny!

Bump for Pebbles to catch up. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hi Confused -

Sounds like you are doing great! I liked Orchid's idea .....

Kim

Thanks, confused. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You have had a lot going on! I agree with Orchid, if you wait for him to do anything, you'll be waiting a very long time. Case in point, my seemingly endless divorce.

You seem to be holding up very well. Here's to not settling for crumbs!

Quick update
I talked w/ WH for about 3 hours last night about D. He is being very generous so far. (we'll see how long that lasts). He still sounds like he's in fog land "After everything is said and done the kids will see that everything is fine and we will probably get along better than ever. If we stay married we'll just end up hating eachother and being resentful. How do you see it?"

I said "Well, we will have to communicate about the kids...but other than that..."

More later.

I can't remember everything from the conversation its kind of jumbled together. But he apparently wants the divorce he said nothing to try and talk me out of it. I reinforced to him that D was not my first choice I would much rather fix the M... but I would not stay married the way things are and I won't go back to to the way they use to be. Thats when he started about how we'd end up hating eachother.

He doesn't want to "rush" the D because he is concerned about my health benefits. We just got our fed. tax refund he offered to let me have the entire check to put toward down payment for a new car. He said the debt for his new mustang is entirely his. He said he would wait until we sold our house to get his portion of asset. I told him I didn't know how long I planned to stay there...it could be a year or 2 or 5.

I got a little teary when we talked about baby pictures and videos.

I had gone food shopping Sat morning and while I was shopping I realized how weird it was going to be not to buy things that he liked.I mentioned it. Then he commented how weird it would be buying things he liked. So asked "Opposed to buying things you don't like?" and he replied "No. Going food shopping in general...I've never done it....I guess theres a lot of things I'll have to do." This is the first time he ever almost admitted that I actually contribute to the household. He did a load of his own laundry the next day.

So tonight I go car shopping. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

OT: We have always purchased cars with payments etc...but right now there are some nice lease deals. Anybody lease? What are the pitfalls?

Hi, confused. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I know what you mean. My STBX has been gone for over a year, but I still set four places at the table sometimes, it feels like I'm forgetting something if I don't - and I always cook for four. Good thing DS eats enough for two. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Welcome to reality, WH!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Ooooo, a new off-the-lot car!! (insert drooling smiley) Ummm, I have a '93, well-seasoned minivan with dog drool on the passenger-side window, if you're interested. Hey, it's paid for!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> Have fun car shopping. Please report back with details so I can enjoy the experience vicariously. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Jump on that money for the car. And I would smile at him sweetly and say that you would prefer the children stay in their home until they graduate from highschool.

And get the agreement in writing, with a witness, if you can!! My STBX promised all kinds of things after he first left. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Went looking for cars last night....went to the ford dealer.
Fell in love with the new ford fusion....heated seats and everything. Good deal but a little out of my price range of course I had to like to model that was at the highest end. I think I'll go back and check one without so many bells and whistles. Next I'll be looking at the G6. I drive car dealers crazy....I'm very good at setting boundaries with them and not letting them sway me to something that doesn't meet with my standards. If only I applied that to WH sooner!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Pebbles...thanks for the offer...I looking forward to moving on from my '99 minivan.

If I spend it first do I still need to get it in writing? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Just kidding it is all being documented. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I hear ya loud and clear sister friend!
I know what you mean! On D-Day I had this really sick panicky feeling in the pit of my stomach and the first thing I wanted to do was hide my minivan in the bushes! It just struck me like a ton of bricks: I'm middle aged and he's dumped me for some PYT! I wanted a Glamour makeover yesterday!! BTW, I'm still driving the minivan (no payments) but would like something sportier!

My WEX gave me this same line of crap spoon fed to him by OW. "He'll always have two parents who love him. Didn't you tell him divorce is no big deal, it happens all the time?" Now that he is living on the divorced side of the fence, I can assure you that the appeal of "the single life" fades fast. My WEX is overstaying his welcome sleeping on a cot in the LR of a married friend's house. He is now realizing that he cannot afford a house of his own, or an apt. of his own, or much of anything for that matter. He's not exactly a chick magnet right now.

It's kind of like when you get your first apt. You are so excited to be a grownup and out on your own. Except you are starting to realize it cost a lot of money to be a grownup and that doesn't leave much for partying with your friends on the weekend. In hindsight, you had it pretty darn good at Mom and Dad's!

Hang in there confused! We love you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Hi shattered we've been thinking of you. Glad you checked in. I haven't caught your thread yet to catch up.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />LOL!! This is so true. Reality is really gonna hit WH because he NEVER had his own apt. He lived w/ his parents when we met and stayed there to save money until we were married. He was 24 yrs old. I moved out when I went to college and never moved back. I think he'll be amazed when he comes home from work to an empty house (except for the lizzard) and has to cook his own dinner, do his own dishes, laundry, vacuuming, dusting,sheet changing,tub & toilet cleaning, bill paying,food shopping etc...at first its exciting to be on your own then it gets old really fast.

I don't think he will stay alone for long. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Hi C42,

Following your thread....and I am here for support.

((((((((((((((C42))))))))))))))

So we had our D talk last Sat night. All week he has been pleasant telling me about his day at work. I've been car shopping all week. He has been sleeping on the couch. Went car shopping with the kids last night(narrowed it down to 3...Ford Fusion, Pontiac G6 and Mitusbishi Galante). Asked WH if he was available to go with me Sat to make final decision. He rolled his eyes but agreed. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I went up to bed and on the night stand was a list of furniture and household items, some were left blank some had my initial by them only 1 had WH initial. I went downstairs to talk to him. I said that the list had kind of answered a question I had on my mind. WH has never actually said he wanted a D, but doing the list showed that he did.

I asked him if he thought D was our only choice. In our earlier discussion he had said if we didn't get D we would end up resenting and hating eachother. I asked he hated/resented me now. He emphatically said no. I told him there was another option...forgiveness. I told him that I had faced my demons and forgiven myself after years of beating myself up for my short comings and that I could and was willing to forgive him... but I wondered would he be able to forgive. He said he wasn't sure he had it in him.

I told him about SH and suggested he call...that there was a way to get through this...that we are not unique.

Could he be so ashamed that he would rather D than face what he has done? Is it easier to walk away from his children than admit his short comings? I just don't get this. Is he just pulling my heart strings and throwing crumbs? After these talks why does he want to be intimate w/me? Control? Mind games? Or is that how he is communicating? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

So far my plan is unchanged...I will get the new car, I just got my last pay stub so now I can submit the paperwork, I will continue to divide assets and continue path of D unless his actions clearly show he is willing to commit to M. Am I being heartless now?

Any advice, input, comments or support is WELCOME! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />