My advice to 2B.

Respect your husband's decision. You've hurt him enough by the A. Don't hurt him again by doing something he doesn't want you to do.

Let this issue go and get on with your life.

Does it really matter what a bunch of anonymous people on the internet think about your situation? Who are you trying to convince that your decision is right? You need to make the decision that damages your marriage and specifically, your H ,the least . . . I think that you owe him that.

What is the purpose of the radio show if all of Harleys advice is so cut and dried?

Surely there must be variables to these situations or the Harleys could just post "The Rules", no other options available, this is the only thing that will work, and we don't even need the message board.

Who am I or anyone else to doubt what Dr. Harley said? Because he said something else in another situation tells me that it is different for some situations. Not sure why that is sooo hard to understand?

I would go with what the Dr. ordered...

I must agree with all who say that disagreement is okay in the right spirit. Disagreement is healthy and does not have to resort to name calling. My earlier comment about the best interests of the BW remains. I believe that information needs to come from the WH, not the OP. I also must concur with a previous poster who says that your primary obligation now 2B is to your husband. It sounds as though your heart is in the right place. I really do wish you well in healing in your M.

Mrs W-

Hehehe, the comment was indeed taken in fun!!

Obviouly you can't give/get a black eye via internet...nor would I truly do so to anyone anyway! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

It's just that I get comments like that pretty often, and I happen to know pretty well that I am NOT a wise person. Had I been wise, I might have avoided all the pain and suffering in my marriage that led to me being here in the first place! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I don't want people to think that I really think that I am wise or something, nor was that the reason for my name in the first place. But it's easy to 'assume' given my name. So when peeps call me wise I try to make sure that they know better...LOL!

LOL Owl...Mr. W and I often get mistakenly called "Mr. & Mrs. Wonderful", which is kinda cool...Hey, who are we to argue? We are just really "wondering" after all... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. Wondering

Heheh, well that's the good thing...no one is EVER likely to call me wonderful! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I do have a lot of respect for the both of you though. I know how tough it is to recover from this kind of stuff from my own situation...and the fact that BOTH of you are willing to come here and tag-team help is just great!!

That, and I love the fact that you seem to do the same kind of thing I try to do...give action-oriented advice. People come here to DO something about their situation...and giving them steps to take to lead them in the right direction is one of the most supportive things they can get. Esoteric advice is great and needed on it's own...but having a plan of action is critical. Ya'll ROCK!

Wow- this thread has been crazy!!!

I came to this MB website without the devestating experience of affairs in my marriage (although there were other lies/betrayals). I can't help but feel for this unknowing BS. Gosh, I sure would want to know (even years later). Almost two years ago I found out my H lied to me about getting a degree, hiding money, gambling. I was fortunate to find this out on my own. At the time I knew something was wrong. He was different, we were different toward each other. Although the lies weren't to the same extent as an affair- our marriage suffered. Yes it hurt to know the truth. But the truth gave me armor to fight for our marriage/relationship. I was able to find out that I wasn't meeting some of his needs. I was able to figure those needs out and begin fulfilling them. With the knowledge, our marriage had a chance.

I can honestly tell you that if I was still in the dark regarding the lies (even if keeping them a secret was for the sake of my feelings) our marriage would probably have imploded. He would still be looking elsewhere for his needs to be met (perhaps leading to an affair) and I would have been in the dark wondering what happened to my M.

Again, as the BS is being kept in the dark, no matter what the reason- doesn't anyone have compassion for (in this case) her? She has no idea what she's doing wrong, or should I say not doing right.

Work in Progress. It is very possible that this woman DOES know about her husband's affair with 2BNormal (his girlfriend from when he was a teenager. He looked her up years later through Classmates and contacted her.) His wife may have found out 2 years ago. We don't know and it may be wrong to make assumptions that she doesn't know?

OWL, I think I can speak for ALL WW that it is NOT OUR HUSBANDS that were un-wise. It was our own self that was not wise. We were the ones that made selfish choices; the responsibiltiy of these foolish choices is 100% ours.

I think you were referring to my earlier post about calling you WISE. Well, the definition of WISE is "using good judgement". So I still stand behind that description of the worthwhile and understanding advice you give here on MB.

So go ahead and give me that cyber black eye.

P.S. Sugar and Spice posted that Harley gives individual advice to individual problems. (paraphrased by me) That is so true, our marriages are not all cut from the same cloth. Each man and each woman are unique and Harley knows that and like Sugar and Spice said, if this were not so, he could just have a list of RULES to follow.

Eldante's question would Harley recommend a STANGER calling BS to inform them of an affair that has been over for two years? (Or even a recent affair?) Probably not.

Comfortably Numb and sfaj said that 2BNormal needs to follow her husband's wishes in this. I totally agree.
That is her FIRST responsibility; with her own marriage and family.

Classmates dot com.....uuuggghhh

Somebody in North Carolina (one of a few states which I believe still recognize "tortious interference with the marital relationship" as a valid claim) ought to bring a class action lawsuit against these guys for the amount of destruction they have "participated" in causing across the US.

IMHO, they could very easily require all married persons to provide both their email addresses and their spouses email wherein they send a warning letter/email addressing the relative KNOWN risk of renewing old relationships via their website and the history of infidelity which bemoans such contact with past lovers. A copy of any contacts made through their site could also be sent to both spouses. A simple heads up may be all that is required.

Sure the registrant could lie but most will not as most waywards, I beleive, fall into affairs and don't necessarily see them coming nor seek them out.

I know this will never happen...but all here should forewarn their friends how dangerous and risky Classmates can be.

Mr. Wondering

I had not really thought about it like that, but I do believe that you may be on to something.

{As I even went back into my limited history here and thought about the Posters I had the biggest conversations with ...and guess what??
They were all male BS's}.
Yes, I know its not 100%, but it does appear to be the majority.

Interesting sidebar.

And I do understand all the arguments against telling.
Unfortunately, Most of them are based in FEAR.
(fear of something in one form or another).

Problem is we can't always let our Fears, freeze us into inaction.

Otherwise no BS would EVER Expose .....no matter What the STAGE of the A.
(that being: Ongoing/current, just recently ended OR over for a while).

Then the next Problem:
Whom gets to decide on what time limit is adequate.
A week, month, a year , 2....more???

Sure Getting pretty close to WS "thinking" when its someone else who gets to decide what someone else Should or shouldn't know about their marriage or Life.

Remember YOUR WS thought that "YOU" Shouldn't KNOW any of this either.
And I'm NOT just talking about Details .........No,
but even that the A Existed at All .

Its simply a small matter of chance or circumstance that any of Us got to find out at all.
Hence,
I simply can't fathom BS's that can't put themselves in the OPS shoes and think .....but for the Grace of God go I.

And Never dismiss that if the OP is married --- that there ARE 4 people Involved and affected by the 2 waywards.
You can turn away, refuse to think about it or even pretend .... but doesn't make it any less true.
OK, enough for now .......as the sides have already been chosen.

In any case:
Thanx, Mr. wondering,
as I'll be aware of looking at this trend in the future.

Sorry Rain-

I missed the other post referring to the contact of the Other BS to 2BN's OM. I guess I thought the assumption here was that she doesn't know and the theory being stated is what she doesn't know won't hurt her.

If ANYONE here believes a WH would expose himself to his wife willingly in most cases they are living in La La land.

No, the theory here is that 2BN is debating about contacting OMW 2 years after the A has ended.

And...2BN's H has clearly indicated that he does NOT want ANY kind of contact to resume with OM or OMW...he does not want to contact OMW and inform her of the affair at this point.

2BN has solicited advice and received pretty much both viewpoints.

So the key question here is this...

Should 2BN stick to the POJA'd agreement with her husband and NOT contact OMW? Or should she contact OMW and inform her of the affair?

Certainly I agree that OMW should know...there's no reason that she shouldn't. But the question remains to WHICH marriage does 2BN have more allegiance...hers, or OM/OMW's?

If 2BN goes against her POJA with her H and contacts, she isn't honoring HER marriage.

If she does uphold her POJA, then she's not honoring the OTHER marriage.

My opinion stands...while I agree that if I were OMW I would want to know, at this point 2BN's allegiance is to her own marriage and her agreemant with her husband...and doing anything else is detrimental to that.

2BN remains in a no-win situation. Half of the people here will condemn her if she violates her agreement with her husband...and the other half will condemn her if she doesn't tell OMW.

What a wonderful situation to be stuck in. Hang in there friend!

It's my opinion that 2BNormal should further discuss this with her husband...It seems clear [to me] that she is not done with this...it seems to be lying heavy on her conscience [again, to me]

I look at it as a chance to further the atmosphere of complete openness and honesty for 2BNormal's marriage...Mr. W and I discuss this kind of stuff constantly...adds to our closeness...of course, we both post here, which provides us even more common ground-works for us...

I don't think any should advise 2BNormal to go against her husband...but it is my advice that she should try to bring him around on the subject...I think that would be best...but that's just me[ok, and Mr. W too] <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />...

Mrs. Wondering

I don't think any should advise 2BNormal to go against her husband...but it is my advice that she should try to bring him around on the subject...I think that would be best...but that's just me...


Yes!!! Mrs.W I totally agree with you here!!
I think if 2BN truly lays out the positives to exposure (inocculation against future contact, enables OM/OMW to have a chance, clears the conscience of FWW and therefore M, answers questions BH may have, etc.) then he is likely to say yes...or perhaps agree to someone else exposing to OMW...

He might...but honestly if I were in his shoes, I'd not want to bring this whole thing back up again.

If I were in the same shoes...remember my wife had an affair almost two years ago now as well...and she came to me asking if she could talk with OMW (her OM wasn't married tho, so this doesn't apply in our case), I honestly would not want to do so.

Because I would want to continue to have OM (and OMW by extension) REMAIN OUT OF BOTH OF OUR LIVES PERMENANTLY. I would not want to give her or him ANY reason to resume any kind of contact. Nor would I want to talk with either of them...given my vindictive feelings towards my wife's OM, it's absolutely best that nothing EVER bring the two of us to cross paths again in any fashion.

My thoughts at least.

BTW...I get the impression that 2BN has discussed this with her H, even in the recent past. And he's remained adamant that no contact take place.

Mrs. Wondering,
I appreciate your post. I have discussed this with my husband over the weekend. I explained to him the reasons given here on this site for telling the OM's W. I discussed this again further with him after I heard Dr. Harley's advice from my email on the radio program.

He has told me that there is NO WAY that he is going to call this woman and tell her that I had an affair with her husband. I have listened to the advice given here for those in favor of telling this OM's W and communicated these reasons to my husband. He is quite OVER talking about it and doesn't wish to discuss it further.

The fact remains, that my husband does not feel the need to call this woman. The fact remains that I cannot get my husband to read anything on this site. I wish he would. I've cried to him to read on here as there is alot of valuable information on this site.

As you can imagine with having 2 affairs during our marriage, my husband does want to just move past this. I feel I have a responsiblity to my husband first in this situation. I feel that after betraying him twice that I owe a greater respect to him and our marriage over this OM's wife and her marriage.

It is sad to me that she may not know of the affair and does not have the opportunity to have an honest marriage. I really don't know if she does or doesn't know and there is no way for me to know that unless someone contacts her.

Thank you all for your advice.

Good advice on the last few posts -- POJA with 2B's husband about exposing.

By the way, I'd like to point out that although the affair ended 2 years ago; the OM was still trying to contact 2B just a year ago. (anyone see her above post where OM was sending her e-mails at X-mas time?...)

He is still preditor of the 2B marriage.
It seems unlikely that his victim-wife is aware of his behavior.

It is very much in the best interest of 2B's husband to enlist OMW in ending his behavior.

How can one truly be forgiven (by themselves or God) if they haven't fully repented to ALL parties involved.

I can say I'm sorry to my coworker for stealing from our workplace but if I don't come clean to my boss (or other pertinnent people affected by my transgression) because it may cause pain for me and my family (being fired, jailed, whatever the consequence) how can I claim to be trustworthy?

I understand not going against her husband but, as stated before, the decision is based in fear. IMO the decision being made is based on selfish reasons.

How can you say she is making this decisions for selfish reasons when it's her HUSBAND who is making the decision?!?!?!


I DON'T GET THIS. He has POJA'ed what he wants...she's tried to re-negotiate---he's not budging.

HOW IS THIS 2BN BEING SELFISH?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

I'm really not getting some of the thought processes here.