COL,
My husband already works 2 jobs military and another job after that so we have extra money which I feel now will all be going to her.
Perhaps LynnG will be willing to discuss the benifits of LEGAL SEPERATION. This is much differnt than DIVORCE. This is a legal tool that can be used to protect your assets and income.
If you have the strenght to pull yourself together, start finding out where the money is and isn't.
Pull a credit report to find hiden credit cards and such things. Look for hidden back accounts too.
Motel and gifts are not free and your H will instictively want to hide these expenses for fear of hurting you.
I ask him everyday after work if he saw her or talked to her and all he says he ever says to her is Hi and nothing more.
I am not prepared to call him a lier, but I find this highly unlikely. I speak from experiance.
There needs to be NO-CONATACT now.
Don't you think he needs to tell OW that he wants to work things out with me and that they are not going to be together?
THIS IS A MUST, AND IT NEEDS TO HAPPEN NOW!
Better yet, it should be done with a letter and deliverd by someone else! The book "Surviving the Affair" will explain why this is SO IMPORTANT.
I enocurage you to not walk, but run to the bookstore and get a copy. It will help you understand more of the dynamics of what is going on and why the A may have happened.
And don't you think he should tell her now before the baby is born that he wants a DNA test even though he is almot positive it is his?
Yes he should, and it is advice I too should have followed.
This IS something that is going to come up in the near furure for me. Not so much that I have any dought, but because it will give my W more piece of mind. It will also provide more legal standing if I ever have more visitation issues and have to go to court.
He also needs to get an STD test done. The full screen. This can be done at a reasonable cost at Planed Parenthood. This is something I just went through. I should have done is sooner. It's one of the "fence boards" that needs to be NAILED back in place.
This may be way to soon to ask, but the reason I ask is to help direct you to the people here who can help you most in the direction you want to go.
How do you feel about being a stepmom to this child?
Some of the ladies here are insulted by the very thought of having an "intruder" ie.. OC in the house.
Other have fallen in love with these children and fight tooth an nail to have these children in thier lives.
There appears to be sucess stories either way you go, there is also failuers.
It doesn't have to be decided now, but it is something you may want to think about.
Like your H, I wanted contact. I was so determined, that I was willing to leave my W if she didn't compile. That was a mistake on my part. One of many I have done. There were other issues to work on before this. I was afaid I would lose my daughter if I did not move fast. In retrospect, had I listen to the advice I was given and got a lawyer, I would have known that my OW didn't wield as much power as I thought she did.
Given the chance, I would relay this to your H. I completely understand his fear.
I would also like you to start thinking differnt. Reading the books sugested in my opinion is the quickest way to get the skills needed to save your M. Both you and your H need to make an investment of time and get educated on M skills.
I don't proclaim to be an expert, but I have learned from experiance that having these skills has made a BIG differnce in my M. I know they will in yours too!
Some will suggest calling MB itself for MC. It's spendy, but from what I hear, it is well worth it. My W and I stuck to the books.
About "average loccal counselors", I am not so thrilled about them. Your situation is not one many counselors will see. The two "professional" counselor we saw said we wouldn't make it. Last time I looked, we were still M :-)
Stick to Dr H and staff hear at MB, I suspect everyone else is a "second or third stringer".
The one real bright spot I see here is this:
Your H appears to want to stay with you and work it out.
That is a big plus.
He may be operating on the idea of "DUTY" and trying to do "THE RIGHT THING". But I also suspect, he does have love for you and deep down inside wants to work it out. He is just wondering if you two can really be happy together. With the right skills, you two can pull this out.
Now lets see if he is also willing to do what it takes to make it happen.
TH