My husband and I have been married for almost 9 years. We got married young at 18 and waited along time to have children. Our daughter was born in 2004and things went bad from there. We both had a hard time adjusting to being parents and we were always mad at eachother. Anyway, my H is in the military so he was gone the whole next summer and when he returned I got preg again. This time he didn't seem so excited but I knew it would be our last child together so I tried to enjoy it. Things still wren't the best between us but I thought after the birth of our son we would hopefully go back to being happy and enjoy our children. Well, I have recently found out that things were much worse than I thought. He had an affair from the time I ws 3 months preg until right before our son was born. And to top it all off she is preg with their son now. She is almost 6 months along. I never thought he could do something like this to me. We have been over everything and I still haven't yet forgiven him since I haven't known for long. My problem is I'm trying to find out how other people have delt with similar situations. I love him and he says he loves me not her and he wants to be with me and our family but he does want to be a part of his other sons life too. Is it possible for this to work out? I hate that OW and I would like nothing more than to never mention her name again as long as I live but with a child comming I have no choice. I'm on the fence on wether I should stay or leave? I do love him but I think this was more thatn a mistake. I believe she wanted to get pregnant because she even told me herself that she is in love with my H and I think this was her way of getting him. I know we will have to pay child support and stuff but I don't know how to handle the situation and I don't know if I can ever trust him again. Another thing is that they are both in the military so if word gets out about all of this they could both be punished and I don't want him to lose pay or anything plus this is his career and i do depend on him since I am a stay at home mom. Please anyone who is in a similar situation or has gone though this please offer me some advise or share your story with me. I'm trying to see the big picture and it very hard right now. Thank for listening.

Should I stay and try to work it out or should I leave since he gave up on us to begin with? single choice
	Stay and work it out
	Leave and move on
Votes accepted starting: 10/04/06 03:05 PM
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confused, welcome to MB. My H had an OC 1.5 years ago. It was devastating and very difficult situation. We are now recovering our marriage and healing. Don't get me wrong the pain of knowing my H had a child with someone else is with me everyday. But you can recover. Before he makes any decision about the child he needs to work on your marriage with you. Forget about OW for now. He should be in total NO CONTACT with her until the child is born and DNA is established. There is always the chance the child is not his.

Go to the top of this forum and read the welcome thread started by sunnydale. Get the book Surviving An Affair by Willard Harley.

Are the two of you in MC? What kind of support do you have?

Hi confused.

My name is Carolyn and my H had an affair which resulted in an OC 4 years ago. I am sorry to have to meet you like this.

I am not going to vote in your poll becuase only you can determine if staying or going is the right thing for you. For me, staying and rebuilding our relationship was the right thing to do, for others it wont be at all.

can you tell us where your H's head is at at the moment. Has he given up the OW or is he still in involved?

There are lots of examples of how this situation plays out in this forum. read back through the archives and you will see the good, the bad and ugly.

but whether you stay or go, you will get through this.

lots of love

Carolyn

Thanks for the support. What he is telling me now is that it's over between him and her. They haven't slept together in over 4 months because he says they haven't been together since before our son ws born. He has however told her that he loves her since because he said he felt bad that she was preg and kept telling him she loved him. He swears that he doesn't love her and that if he is not with me he doesn't want to be with anyone else. However, they do see eachother everyday at work. They are in he military and work together. Alot of people in their shop assume that the baby is his because alot of them know that she is in love with him. It's so hard for me to trust him though and to trust that it is over between them.. How is the relationship with the oc now that it has been a few years since the incident? How long did it take you to trust and to move on?

You are really caught between a rock and a hard place, the first golden rule is No Contact with OW until the baby is born and a DNA test is taken to prove that your H is the father. H must be willing to do whatever to stop all contact, (my changed jobs) but I know with the military is more tough, there is another member who is a military wife hopefully she can help you with that. There must be someone way even with the military to get it changed, at least to different shifts from each other.

Find a way to get the contact with OW stopped, he has no reason what so ever to talk to her, its her problem at the moment. Once the baby is born and DNA test is proven to be his child then their is boundaries to set, to make you feel comfortable. Use these months to fix your marriage, that is the top of the list for right now, fix the marriage and deal with OW/OC after the marriage is fixed.

Really read alot of post, you will find so many great stories and advice, from all types of situation, and you will find comfort knowing that now you are not alone in this.

There is many that cares and always ready to help you thru this.

COL,


The short answer is most likely yes.
The longer answer is much more complicated.

Questions. Is the Other Woman married?

The ladies above all have very good advice and experiance to offer. Your H needs to have NO-CONTACT NOW with the OW.
If your H is willing, have him come here and I will graphically explain it to him if he shows resitance.

I have/am walking in the same shoes as your H.


This is really bad news!

Another good source for information is here:

www.survivingbetrayal.com

The registraion process is a bit of a pain, but you will find good information there as well as here. I encourage you to look at both.

Last but not least, I second the recomdation of reading "Surviving the Affair". It helped me change my thinking.

You are not alone,

TH

Th,
She is not married now. Her husband cheated on her and they just got divorced not to long ago... She has been married 2 times and has 2 other children. My husband already works 2 jobs military and another job after that so we have extra money which I feel now will all be going to her. He does this so I can stay home with our kids. I would ask him to go to the night shift but that is the shift he was on when the cheating occured and I don't quite trust him that much yet. I ask him everyday after work if he saw her or talked to her and all he says he ever says to her is Hi and nothing more. Don't you think he needs to tell OW that he wants to work things out with me and that they are not going to be together? And don't you think he should tell her now before the baby is born that he wants a DNA test even though he is almot positive it is his? Thanks for the replies so far it helps to know I'm not alone...

Very important to have it done, there is one here who I know will come along and post and they was postive that her H was the father, and turned out it wasnt!! Most states, like ours for example has now made it a law that if a child is born out of wedlock that a DNA is a must. Its the law.

You are going to have a very hard time right now gaining your trust in him again, it is very hard to do when no contact is placed, and going to be all most impossiable to do with contact. He can say that it is over all he wants, now it is time for him to prove it. The chances of it rekindling is high.

I can understand about the money and stuff but you two need to find a way to get them away from each other, maybe she can make the changes?? Remember no job no nothing is more important then your marraige at the moment.

He has to figure some way to stop the contact, it is going to be his actions, the way he handles everything that will help you decide if your going to stay in this marriage.

Do you want money or your marriage? Which would cost you less to lose?

I understand the whole money or marriage thing and the thing is that it is not me that wants the money it is him. I have asked him already not to work 2 jobs even before the affair because it takes up his whole day then he doesn't spend enought time with the kids. He is gone when they waake up in the morning and they are asleep at night before he gets home. They only see him a 1/2 hour when he comes home to change inbetween jobs. I tell him I want him to be home to eat dinner with us but he thinks he has to go there to get away from things. He said it is the only place where he doesn't think about what is going on and how much he has messed up. I want him to feel comfort at home and with me not at some job. I wrote him a letter today with a bunch of things I am demanding in order for me to trust him again and stay. He read it and said it was kinda like a contract but I told him I would give him a couple of days to think about what I wrote and see if we agree on all of these things including no secrets, no secret calls, no secret visits nothing to do with her. Also I wrote that he needs to tell her that he wants to be with me and not her and to just let him alone to work on our marriage. We will see what he has to say about it soon I hope.

Sweetie, you set boundaries for your marriage not make demands. The boundaries are for you and if he crosses them then you follow through with whatever consequences you decided would happen.

Can you share with us what you asked for? We can help you through this. {{confused}}

Hey honey. I haven't read anyone else's replies but I totally feel you pain. I too am a military spouse. I had the very same concerns when it came to disclousre as you did. Right now I'm almost three years out from d-day (discovery day. Things are much better but always a work in progres. While many here may give you advise ultimately you have to do what's best for you. This site was a tremdous help when I found it. If you need to chat email me at cali_smile99@yahoo.com I'm praying for you.

I'm so sorry to see that you have need of this group. They are are wonderful bunch. I don't post much but I come back and read from time to time.

I am a military wife, almost 19 years now. I know how hard this life without this additional atess. This is a sticky situation. How much longer will he be in his current shop? He can't really ask for a job transfer without telling why and if he tells why, he risks punishment and that can be harsh, anything from extra duty to losing money and/or rank. He should be firm and tell her he will have no contact, or as little as possible since they work together. and he most certainly should request a paternity test.

I too married at 18. It isn't easy but if you both want it, you can work it out. There will be times when you will want to just chuck it all and quit but just work on it one day at a time. That's what gets me through.

God Bless.

Sorry to t/j but Doxie Luver it warms my heart to know someone else has been in my shoes long before me and kept their marriage. My h's command was really helpful with getting medical set up and evrything. But every command is different. What does dh want to do?

You're so right about every command being different. Some will sweep adultery under the rug while others prosecute to the full extent of the UCMJ. I would hate for them to find out the hard way which way his command leans. My advice is to document everything even if you think you can trust others. It can be as simple as a notebook or purse size calendar. Jot down anything and everything even if you think it's not important. That's why I try to do everything by email, so I have a written record. I also keep a journal in a word document. It helps me to release emotions and stress plus then I have a written record.

COL,


Perhaps LynnG will be willing to discuss the benifits of LEGAL SEPERATION. This is much differnt than DIVORCE. This is a legal tool that can be used to protect your assets and income.

If you have the strenght to pull yourself together, start finding out where the money is and isn't.

Pull a credit report to find hiden credit cards and such things. Look for hidden back accounts too.

Motel and gifts are not free and your H will instictively want to hide these expenses for fear of hurting you.


I am not prepared to call him a lier, but I find this highly unlikely. I speak from experiance.

There needs to be NO-CONATACT now.


THIS IS A MUST, AND IT NEEDS TO HAPPEN NOW!

Better yet, it should be done with a letter and deliverd by someone else! The book "Surviving the Affair" will explain why this is SO IMPORTANT.

I enocurage you to not walk, but run to the bookstore and get a copy. It will help you understand more of the dynamics of what is going on and why the A may have happened.


Yes he should, and it is advice I too should have followed.
This IS something that is going to come up in the near furure for me. Not so much that I have any dought, but because it will give my W more piece of mind. It will also provide more legal standing if I ever have more visitation issues and have to go to court.

He also needs to get an STD test done. The full screen. This can be done at a reasonable cost at Planed Parenthood. This is something I just went through. I should have done is sooner. It's one of the "fence boards" that needs to be NAILED back in place.

This may be way to soon to ask, but the reason I ask is to help direct you to the people here who can help you most in the direction you want to go.

How do you feel about being a stepmom to this child?

Some of the ladies here are insulted by the very thought of having an "intruder" ie.. OC in the house.

Other have fallen in love with these children and fight tooth an nail to have these children in thier lives.

There appears to be sucess stories either way you go, there is also failuers.

It doesn't have to be decided now, but it is something you may want to think about.

Like your H, I wanted contact. I was so determined, that I was willing to leave my W if she didn't compile. That was a mistake on my part. One of many I have done. There were other issues to work on before this. I was afaid I would lose my daughter if I did not move fast. In retrospect, had I listen to the advice I was given and got a lawyer, I would have known that my OW didn't wield as much power as I thought she did.

Given the chance, I would relay this to your H. I completely understand his fear.

I would also like you to start thinking differnt. Reading the books sugested in my opinion is the quickest way to get the skills needed to save your M. Both you and your H need to make an investment of time and get educated on M skills.
I don't proclaim to be an expert, but I have learned from experiance that having these skills has made a BIG differnce in my M. I know they will in yours too!

Some will suggest calling MB itself for MC. It's spendy, but from what I hear, it is well worth it. My W and I stuck to the books.

About "average loccal counselors", I am not so thrilled about them. Your situation is not one many counselors will see. The two "professional" counselor we saw said we wouldn't make it. Last time I looked, we were still M :-)

Stick to Dr H and staff hear at MB, I suspect everyone else is a "second or third stringer".


The one real bright spot I see here is this:

Your H appears to want to stay with you and work it out.
That is a big plus.

He may be operating on the idea of "DUTY" and trying to do "THE RIGHT THING". But I also suspect, he does have love for you and deep down inside wants to work it out. He is just wondering if you two can really be happy together. With the right skills, you two can pull this out.

Now lets see if he is also willing to do what it takes to make it happen.

TH

I keep track of every penny that we have. I am the one who pays the bills and keeps records of our expnses. He doesn't even know how to do it. I believe that any expenses thay needed have come from her. I know that the cell phone he had to communicate with her was in her name and the bill sent to her address. I do know that he did give it back to her so they are not communicating anymore that way. I have thought about being a step parent and I think we can work that out I am just worried that she will not want to let him visit if I am there and I will not allow them to be alone together. I just can't do it. So I guess that would have to be something worked out in court for visitation. I've thought about when the baby is born should we go to the hospital and visit? I think my H will want to but I'm going if he is. I think what is so scary to me right now is that I know he doesn't want to hurt anyone (even though that has been done already) I think it is hard for him to just tell her straight up that he doesn't love her and that he loves me and wants to be with me. He said the other day "She has to know because I just ignore he all the time." I said all she knows is that she loves you and you have told her that you love her, she is probably thinking that you have a chance to be toghter and that maybe you just need room to let me go. He sears that its me that he wants but I'm scared that maybe he just doesn't want to hurt me even more by wanting to be with her. He also said the other night that it's very important to him that I don't think that he left me for her, I think this is important to him because he is worried what people will think of him. (Family, Friends) He knows they will be upset already but he is sure they will think hes even more of an a** if he is actually with her. How do I know that he is truthful about wanting me and about not loving her? I know that he has feelings for her but he says it's not love it's just feelings you have when you have slept with someone.
The thing about their shop is that she has been transfered across the hall because they are welders and you can't do that job when preg. She makes a point to come to their shop everyday to talk to someone and I'm sure she is just doing it to see him. I am going to get the books and try to educate myself and him. I need to get him to tell her its over and believe that he did that but I'm almost positive that he wont write a letter. I will try to get him to but I don't see it happening. We did sign up for orders so I am hoping that sometime soon we will be selected to move somewhere else where she is not always there... Or hopefully never there. I wish she would let us have the child and raise it with her having visitation but she would never allow it. Anyway, I will stop blabbering on for now. Hopefully he will want to talk tonight and we can get some of this straightened out. Oh, another concer of mine is intimacy, we all know how it can be after a few years together you lose that spark and passion. I really want to hae this in our marriage and I think we need to have it I'm just not sure if it is something we can get back. Right now I don't even want to sleep with him... Any suggestions?

Hello Confused,

I am the one that Thunderstorm refers to here. My H and the OW also worked together, that's how the affair started...my H was proven NOT to be the father through DNA...believe me, My H and I were soooo sure this child was his...until the paper work came back...no harm, but a woman sleeping with a MM, can be sleeping with anybody...and so that OW don't get mad, I say the same for my H.

I'm so sorry that you find yourself here...I know how terribly painful this is.

The #1 priority is NC between your H and the OW...he is not her support during the pregnancy, tell her to call a girlfriend or whoever, not your issue. Everything else needs to be handled through the courts, EVERYTHING...I don't care how good they seem to get along, as soon as one party doesn't do what the other wants or expects, there will be issues....Mr. TH can attest to that. Get you and your family in order...I strongly suggest Marriage counseling...you can do professional or religious...whatever you both can agree on, and do this immediately. The pregnancy is the time to work on the marriage, because it sounds as though you will have contact with the OC (the Other Child) and your marriage will require strenghth for this. Also start talking about what will happen once the child is born. Talk about everything...visitation, OW calling the house, or a cell phone, pick-ups, drop-offs....now I'm not saying to talk about these things today...TODAY get into counseling, but be sure to discuss these things prior to the childs birth, it could stop some arguments early.

Always feel welcome to come and ask questions here. These women are remarkable, and they can help you through this.

Bless you and I'll be thinking of you.

He has to go NC with the OW, now! You will survive this either way and you dont have to make any decisions until you are ready. He is in the fog and he will stay in the fog as long as there is any contact, that includes just seeing her and saying hello.

Go through the courts for any visitation and until paternity is established by DNA, work on your marriage.

confusedonlove,
My DH is also military and had an (civilian) affair 8y ago which resulted in a child the same age as one of ours.

I'd be happy to chat with you, but am short on time right now.

Don't make any big decisions right now.

You do know you can get free counseling the military will pay for, right? Hop on it!! Read all you can on marriage recovery after A. This is a wonderful site. You've gotten some good ideas already.

I'll check back another time if you want to reach me.
J