Silent,

Yes time does march on. It is not time that makes it better or worse, it is what you do with that time.

You know before my parents got a D I don't have many memories with my Dad. I do remember after the D we would go bowling and hang out more.

I know it will be hard on you but you can make memories with DS and yourself. Good memories. Maybe even better then if you were together.

I really don't think that no matter what anyone writes to you it will make you feel better. That will come with the time and what you do with it.

But sooner or later you will get there.

Good luck.

So, this week my pattern of thought is the same, but with a kick.

I'm just REALLY taking in the brunt of all of this mess. My life is forever changed; I will no longer have the life that I wanted, that I strived for. Did I not work hard enough? I don't go a day without thinking about this [email]d@mned[/email] M. I realize now that going into Plan B, while I still had love for my WH may be harder than waiting until he used up all of my love. I wouldn't feel as rejected and hurt by his actions ( or lack thereof) OR maybe I still would. Sometimes I wish that I could crawl inside his mind, so that I could relieve myself of the thoughts that I'm not enough. I tell myself that this is about HIM, but have yet to fully believe it.

I'm trying to remember what i wanted before I ever thought of getting married and was still very single-minded? I'm a mother now, so many of those things do not apply now, but I wish that I could get out of the mindset that I am M. I'm beginning to miss the companionship of M, of my H. I think of having my own place; moving out of the house that he grew up in and starting fresh. It can sometimes be overwhelming to live there.

I impatiently wait for the time when this doens't hurt so much anymore.

"So, this week my pattern of thought is the same, but with a kick.

I'm just REALLY taking in the brunt of all of this mess. My life is forever changed; I will no longer have the life that I wanted, that I strived for. Did I not work hard enough? I don't go a day without thinking about this [email]d@mned[/email] M. I realize now that going into Plan B, while I still had love for my WH may be harder than waiting until he used up all of my love. I wouldn't feel as rejected and hurt by his actions ( or lack thereof) OR maybe I still would. Sometimes I wish that I could crawl inside his mind, so that I could relieve myself of the thoughts that I'm not enough. I tell myself that this is about HIM, but have yet to fully believe it.

I'm trying to remember what i wanted before I ever thought of getting married and was still very single-minded? I'm a mother now, so many of those things do not apply now, but I wish that I could get out of the mindset that I am M. I'm beginning to miss the companionship of M, of my H. I think of having my own place; moving out of the house that he grew up in and starting fresh. It can sometimes be overwhelming to live there.

I impatiently wait for the time when this doesns't hurt so much anymore."

((((((((((((Silent)))))))))))

Silent, I couldn't have put it better myself.

Wow! you live in the house your WH grew up in. That has to be so hard I'm having enough problem just looking around at our home. Seeing all the things he left behind. The things that are the real him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I hope this week gets better for you.The holidays are going to be really hard.

SL:

Since your Plan B started, it allows you to start to exit the BS FOG.

You see the WS as they really are.

You start making choices for you and your son that make sense for you and him, with the concerns of WS discounted to the extent that they are invested anyway. You are no longer relying on the promises of someone who is not going to live up to them anyway.

And the life and dreams that you had 3, 5, or 7 years ago with the H, not the WS, are seen through this new prism.

You can now start to acheive some of the dreams that you did have. Nothing stopping you from that. Your H may someday come along. Or, he may not.

And that is a stark realization that the rest of your life is under your control.

((((SL)))

Hon, you going to take that son of yours to see the lights in Hampden? At 4, he should get a big kick out of it.

Hey Marflow,

Yeah, I think that reality is beginning to set in for me, and my own fog is clearing. I can see how the fog can be a protective factor, keeping one from seeing everything as it is, and not through muddied glasses. I think the holidays are going to be a mixed bag, really. I know that I will enjoy the days with my family, but the time leading to them can be a bit tough. That's okay. I've learned that my emotions and love go much deeper than I ever knew. I had a sense of this when I had my son, and now that I've gone through one of the worst disasters in a lifetime, I have felt more deeply and learned so much more about my capacity for joy and love. I'm grateful that I still love myself. I truly KNOW this now.

Lousygolfer,

One of my WH's friends USED to live in Hampden, but they moved to PA. I do look forward to taking that trip with him. He's gonna be in awe; it really is quite a spectacle! I don't work far from there either, so there's really no excuse that I can give to NOT take him.


I've definitely begun to see life differently. I think that is why the 'mourning' is really setting in, as I am preparing to move on without WH, and I know that we may never have the 'happily ever after' that I have hoped for since the A. I've sent the letter, said my peace, and have relinquished any control I had the illusion of with our M. I have let WH go. That is why I cry, that is why I frown. I smile at the prospect of change. I'm working SLOWLY on the house. Going to put some new carpet in, something more cheery; slipcover the living room furniture, new colors, new perspective. I'm going to work on my bedroom, change the color there, new bed linens; little things here and there.

I've moved around alot in my short time (kinda poor as a child -lots of apartment dwelling - military brat, then joined up myself, finally settled in with WH) I've always just wanted to plant some roots and make my house a home. That's what I plan to do. I'm a bit sad that my DS may have to move, but he'll bounce back. We're going to live in the same area, if I move into a new home, so he can still go to the same school district, and I'll be able to put MY stamp on the house. Plant what I've always wanted (I love hollyhocks), and tons of perrenials.

I want more than what I have accepted from WH in the past, and have stated as much to him. The ball is definitely in his court, and he stands alone there. I still wonder if he is with someone else, as any normal person would, and it stings when the thought comes in and I feel my chest tighten a bit, but I tell myself that this is not about me, however much it has changed my life, it's not mine to deal with anymore.

I look forward to each day, no matter what comes my way; the sun being out really does help. The sky is a crisp blue that fades to white on the horizon. It's chilly; a great autumn day! Sunshine really does energize my soul...

SL,

Checking in on you.

Sorry you are so down right now. I think golfer is right about the BS fog lifting and seeing your H for who he is.

As time passes it will get better.

It took me a long time but I got to the point where I finally said "I AM WORTH A LOT AND I AM NOT GOING TO SETTLE FOR LESS"

I felt as though I had undervalued my worth as an H for too long, because of what the FWW was willing to put in.

I felt like I was worth a million dollars but the FWW was willing to put in 200 bucks for me. Felt like crap to be honest.

Silent you are worth a million dollars and if this plan b helps the WH to see that then great. If it doesn't then he undervalues you and that isn't going to be good for you.

I spoke to the MC and the FWW about return on investment. If I have put in more for the last 6 years and now I keep putting in but I can't take anything out. Why keep putting in. I would be better off investing it into myself.

I am a good investment. So maybe invest in yourself all of the energy you spent elsewhere. Invest it into your son. You will feel much better then investing it somewhere that constantly loses value.

Hey Frog,

I think that my self worth is coming back. It's tough to see it in the beginning, you 'think' that you still feel worthy, but in truth, you diminish the 'sins' of the wayward, so that you don't feel like trash.

Now things have flipped, I'm able to take in the damage INFLICTED on me by WH and realize my worth in all of this. I've always downplayed myself a bit, y'know, it's no biggie, you can't always get what you want. That was my giver, forever giving. I still believe in giving, but with someone that is more than willing to fill me up too. That's what I want now, no matter who it comes from, friends, family, lovers.

I think I did get stuck in a victim mentality along the way. This was DONE to ME. Well, this really, when all is told, will be done to WH. I still have my friends and family, my self worth, my wonderful DS, really everything that I had prior to WH's A, except now I don't have WH. I'm beginning to KNOW that I don't want him as he is. I want a HUSBAND, a partner, not another mouth to feed and person to clean up after. I want appreciation, without having to ask for it, or go over the top to be noticed. I want more.

I'm getting there. I don't feel that what I want is selfish, either. These are the things that I need to be happy, these are my NEEDS. TO BE NUMBER ONE!!! I am down, but not out. I am getting better by the day, and look forward to Thanksgiving, so I can give thanks for all of the blessings I have in my life, among them, my MB comrades.

Well Silent I think that is the biggest thing that us BS' lose. Our self worth. I must not have been good enough. Then the WS or FWS tell us their justifications which of course are centered around the BS' flaws.

I finally realized last week when I layed it all out on the table I can no longer accept less then I am worth.

She seems as though she is changing.

I can tell you now I am done having a low self worth as a H. I know I deserve more. You do too.

If you can't get it from him then you should move on.

Again I would rather focus my energy on me and the kids and get a return on it then to give it to her and get nothing in return.

You do have blessings in your life. We all do. For now focus on those. Hold those close.

Good luck and feel better.

Do I have a right to KNOW when my WH will be entering the house when I am not home?

I don't fully understand why this bothers me, and I'm working on that, but I feel like he's taking advantage. Believe me, I would prefer that we were living together, working toward a healthy R, but we are NOT.

Am I being unfair, am I nuts? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> No really, I feel waaaay too strongly about this, and I'm can't put my finger on the WHY. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

You mean you haven't changed the locks before entering Plan B?

Agree with Kayla.

He should not have access to the house.

PLAN B should be as DARK as possible so that he cannot get that HOME FIX..so that he can suffer the consequences of his actions....

Silent,

Change the locks.

I just really wanted to stop by and say Hi.

I hope things are going as well as they possibly can.

Good luck.

I agree w/ frog....keep his a** out...

Thanks for all of the 'weekend' attention all,

My lawyer informed me that until he signs the LSA, he has every right to enter the house; heck, he could even live here! I'm STILL waiting on that getting signed, and then I plan on changing the locks. The LSA states that he has to treat this house as MY abode.

I didn't think I was nuts! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

I still can't put my finger on my reaction, maybe I feel a little violated; I mean, I can't enter into his home and go through his stuff, so why should he be doing it?

ARGH! I feel like this is part of what he is giving up, and should treat it as such, but we're talking about me, and I don't live in LA LA land. Hmph. What a crock! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Can't u put his 'stuff' outside the house? Garage, storage, his mom's place?

I even sent a bag of 'dirty work clothes' laundry and hung it on the OW's door. LOL!! That's another story but something to think about. Btw, I also moved his 'stuff' to the garage. The 1st time, it was packed nicely, then folded garbage bags, then stuffed in garbage bag, then later on the front lawn.

See how it can progress? You have options. One time it was when the police came by. Imagine that?!!?!? That is another story.

take care,
L.

Change the locks anyway - explain that you're now living alone and you don't feel safe anymore so you changed the locks and put deadbolts on as well to feel safer.

If he pulls the lawyer thing, you say - meet you at the lawyers let's get this thing signed off on the separation - and until then - if he wants free access with a new key - ask for a key to his abode as well - equal access means EQUAL!

You know what, you are ALL right. I just realized what I am doing, and what feeling I couldn't put my finger on. My own FEAR. Fear of pushing WH away with my actions. This trouble inside me has nothing to do with him. I'm going out to get new deadbolts today.

I am nuts! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> Just not in the way I thought. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Why the h3ll am I living in fear of what may happen in this R? Right now there is NO R. Duh. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Boy, Plan B really does work. I feel so much better for having thought this all through. I've been all bunged up about WH entering house, as I was thinking of his RIGHTS. What a fool I've been.

Thank you KaylaAndy, Orchid, Mimi (as always), Frog ( as always, too), and LoveGod; I really did learn something this weekend. I'll be sad from time to time about this loss of my R with WH, but I'm not afraid anymore.

Now, I've gotta get cleaned up and go out shoe shopping! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I've got an EARLY work party to celebrate a year of our business great success and to celebrate the holidays together. We call it our WORK PROM, cause we all get dolled up! It's also in this great little authentic Italian restaurant, called Aldo's. Mmmmm, good wine, great food, and good friends, I can't wait. (Jealous, hmmmm? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />)

Yes, I am...enjoy yourself! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I agree with Kayla. I changed the locks on our door after the WS moved out. In fact I had his best friend and his wife over with their new baby. I had prepared a nice dinner and his friend volunteered to put in the new deadbolt locks. I left the main lock the same (just in case). So I had options on how I locked up the house. The funny part was WS, stormed in the house and found us having dinner, he went into the back of the house to get somethings but he was soo embarressed (his friend did NOT support the A), that the WS crawled out with his things OUT our son's bedroom window. Of course you all know this was MY fault. LOL!! Dumb WS, we heard all the commotion of his crawling out the window and him stomping from the back to the front yard. Later that evening his friend changed the locks and left.

I checked the laws in my area and the WS legally had the right. Not something I told him though and he did have the sense to go figure that out. I did call the police and ask, I was told no but since he was out and I didn't feel safe, to what I needed t/d but they couldn't advise me either way. He c/b arrested for breaking the lock but not entering the home. However, it bordered on how violent he may get and then domestic violence c/b a cause for arrest. So I walked the fine line and the WS didn't cause trouble.

Seems even the police understands sometimes where the law and the WS cross. Just don't feel the need to give the WS' your H's rights. That's how I viewed it.

L.

The funny part was WS, stormed in the house and found us having dinner, he went into the back of the house to get somethings but he was soo embarressed (his friend did NOT support the A), that the WS crawled out with his things OUT our son's bedroom window. Of course you all know this was MY fault. LOL!! Dumb WS, we heard all the commotion of his crawling out the window and him stomping from the back to the front yard.

In the words of Bugs Bunny, "What a maroon!" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Seriously though, I appreciate the information. I know that WH has been entering the house when I am not here (mostly intuition), and I know that it will be a shock to him when the locks are changed, and he has rights, blah, blah, blah. Well, I didn't ask that he have an A, I didn't ask that he give up on me, so why should I need to ask him to change my [email]d@mned[/email] locks. I'm living here alone now, and well, I don't really care to explain why I'm doing it, I'm just doing it!