Well, you should be SOOO proud of yourself!

I see a VERY Classy LADY in my mist! I think that you are right; now is the time to shine silently, and strong...a time to be still!

Wishing you well today and a quick recovery... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Back from the butcher, uh, I mean periodontist. Surgery went quickly and well. Doc said I was the best patient he ever had. I'd like a gold star please.

Thinking about that call, I hope I did not sabotage my Plan B. I don't think I did, as I did not start the chain of events into play. If he calls again, as he stated that he would, what do I do? Do I answer the call? I don't think that I should. Should I resend Plan B letter? Any advice on this would be GRRRRREAT!

SL:

The phone call from your H was the sign post on the road stating: "This Exit for Divorce"

I think you are there. You can take this exit at any time now.

Your H can come back and man up, like you told him on the phone.

But I know what he did after your phone call.

He hung up the phone. He stared at it. Then he thought that you were crazy and he's glad that he has a new woman.

It's OK that you restated what he had to do to have you remove the Plan B conditions. You got a shot at the revenge lines in there as well.

Harsh, I know. Sorry. You were feeling crazy because of his actions. And for that, he needed to hear what you had to say.

But go back to Plan B. He may never come back. And until HE DOES, then just stay in Plan B. Plan D will come along at the appropriate time.

Your posts earlier on this thread showed your regrets and fears, and then you started to see the future and you were not afraid. And all it took to shake this new stronger foundation is a phone call to you when he was trying to find out what time OW was going to arrive at his place .

Don't you see?

So stay Plan B. It's for your sanity, not his. And you saw how insane you could get with even the smallest intrusion.

Boy LG,

Talk about hitting the nail on the head (or better yet in the coffin that holds my marriage). What you say is harsh, but true. It is hard to see the persepective of someone I don't know anymore, yet it causes pain nonetheless. Pain because I see the D on the horizon, and it is coming, and I am dealing with my last fears before I let go.

I'm pretty sure that I will be filing this coming summer. I told him to file for D last night, but of course, he doesn't want to. I told him that the LSA has been sent back to his lawyer, and it's time to finish this.

This reaction, by me, was a much more controlled one than in the past, so I know that I'm doing better inside. I actually did sleep last night, and have been getting things out here. Like I said before, I don't expect he'll be calling, and after some thought, I won't be taking that call. I won't do this anymore.

What is it that is in us that does not allow us to see the pain that we cause in others?

My God I don't know Ben! I'm in so much pain right now; I've just severed the last artery of my M, and the hemorraging won't stop this time. He made his decision last night. I must move on without him now; he's holding me back. It hurts to let go of my hopes, they're what keep me safe in dreamland, but I live on earth.

It's when I hurt the most that I value my life and happiness even more. I'm tired of the pain

I see that you said the summer, are you trying to wait the two years?

How are you doing with re-centering today?

LMAO...Do you still have a committee in your head or have you managed to get them to quiet down? LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

No, not trying to wait the two years, as his initial affair is long over; I don't know what's driving him anymore.

I have to be physically separated for a year prior to divorce. July will be one year. It's not additive, so just like renewing contact with an affair partner, the NC clock starts over again when you re-separate. As of right now, we've lived apart Since July 12th, 2006. We also lived apart from August 2nd to Oct 6th, 2005. The clock restarted when he moved away in July 06. That is the reason for the wait.

Incidentally, I did tell WH 'NO MORE WORDS' as they seem useless at this point. He sent me an email stating that I'm right, no more words, 'next time I'll just show up!' I'm not quite sure what he's saying. Again, they're just words.

I still have a committe, but they tend to agree more these days after the intial rabbling... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

SL,

You can only control yourself and your actions.

IMVHO the problem with M and society as a whole is that most things have become disposable. If it is broke just go get a new one. That is a childish mentality. Sometimes when you break something it is worth fixing.

I will say that what you are going through sucks but you have distance now and some objectivity as well.

The WH is acting like a tool. I think he did it on purpose and I think LG is right. He probably hung up and thought how lucky he was.

Sometimes people never realize how good they had it. They will never see how good they have it now either.

Trust me one day you will find someone who values you and your contributions. Right now that is not him.

You standing firm means you value yourself.

I really feel for you but unless he is willing to recommitt to the M you need to do what you are doing.

Even through all of this you still seem very calm which is good.

Let him play his games you are too grown up for that.

Okay, I'm understanding better now!

I must have missed something. I don't remember an email.

I stopped thinking about everything that I've felt over the last 24 hours, and I now feel like I have better perspective. I sort of regret having the phone conversation with WH; it really doesn't matter much through all of the fog, which, by now, has probably neatly clouded his thoughts again.

It's the same old dynamic, except, now, I don't play. I resent Plan B letter, and that's when I got the reply regarding him 'showing up'. I don't really know what that's supposed to mean. Really, I say put up or shut up. I don't see him on my doorstep with a new perspective, and I don't expect it. I think I expected it before. I realize that, even if he arrived on my doorstep, his perspective would still be the same until we reached a point that we could say we were in recovery.

I've seen it on 3 occasions now. With Frognomore, Rinder and AmIOK. All three came to a point where they were no longer afraid, where D was the next step, and that is where their WS's turned on their heels and questioned what THEY were doing. That didn't mean that their perspective had really changed, but they began to question it. I'm ready for the step of a D now. I am no longer afraid. I am at peace with this.

The good thing about knowing that you can go ahead without WS, is that you have the freedom to choose, without 'feeling'. After my crying spree last night, I think I felt a piece of the world lift from me, the piece that is WH's. I would still prefer to have an intact family, but not at the expense of peace, joy and true happiness.

I thank you all for taking such good care of me, and delivering honesty when I need it. All of the 'perspectives' presented here make sense to me, and give me lots of food for thought.

YOU nailed it! It just doesn't happen...it takes work...you've done your part...I've done mine...Frog...his...AmI...hers...

It's the WS that have to catch up...I told my DH that the best thing he could do was concentrate on himself...working on himself...now, I don't really see him doing anything like I was...reading...meetings....etc.

However, I can see his actions changing...it speaks to me...


Did you change your mind regarding your plan to wait until summer? Just wondering! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I think the important thing here is that in the past I had used it as a tactic, to be honest, but I was really ready to give up everything that DH and I had together. The fact that I used it that way in the past, I realized that I was trying to control DH. It's something I had to tell him that I had done and that I was sorry for it.

I had a lot to own to get to the point that I am. I confessed alot and I was expecting DH to do the same, but like I said he wasn't at the point that I was and may never be...and that's okay...I've done my part! That's what's important to me...knowing I've done my part.


LMAO...strictly speaking for myself...LMAO...I wouldn't have it any other way...

See, I'm attached to you for some reason...be it your 4 yr old, the dogs, I don't know...the great head you have on your shoulders! YOU are truely AMAZING! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I hear how clear headed you are today...are you aware of how fast you snap back now from where you begin in this journey? LOL I was, as time when on, I got better and better! Not so STRESSED out about things!

You are exactly where you need to be right now! GREAT JOB! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi SL,

Please don't be too hard on yourself....

There are moments in PLAN B where N/C is difficult...very difficult... (just like N\C for WS with OP probably is...)

...BS has the urge sometimes to 'test the waters' to see if S has 'surfaced'.....only to be disappointed... because the reality is just not what we hoped for....

...with your PBL.....trust the fact that you have communicated to your WS the 'path back to the M'...should he CHOOSE it...it is out of your hands now!

...this incident will also help you undestand exactly why staying DARK in PLAN B is important... the price you paid was high and very painful.... you learned from it....and you can now move on even more determined...

((((((((((SL)))))))))))))))))

Luna,

Thank you so much for chiming in. I felt like an idiot for taking the bait. I make mistakes, though, and am human. It's funny, he says he hasn't made any decisions about anything. That has helped me find my way to mine. I have decided that after the years mandatory separation, I will be filing for divorce. We have been fighting these demons for long enough (it will be over 2 years at that time) and I need to remove myself from this.

My WH is in another A, and the dreamworld may be too intense to leave. I cannot allow this pain in my life anymore. These last 48 hours have been a roller coaster of their own, and staying dark really is the best thing for me, and my son, as I can't continue to become despondent when something happens with WH. I need to be there for DS. I need to be there for me. These aren't soundbites, I truly believe in moving on from this.

SL,

I agree with Rin on everything she said. LOL.

Most importantly the part of working on ourselves.

By working on myself and seeing and visualizing the M I wanted I knew what I had wasn't it.

I found most of my shortcomings and those things I tried to work on. I also realized none of those shortcomings gave the FWW permission to do what she did.

Finally one day I got to the point where I said change does not seem possible. MY FWW finally realized I was not kidding this time. I don't think she ever thought I would D her.

Then one day it all hit her. But in order for this to make sense she had to change. She finally opened her eyes and saw me as the person I really was and am. She saw herself for the person she was and is.(In this M) I couldn't make her do that. Had she not done that we would be headed for a D.

Looking at You I see change and that is what this is about. The mistakes you made you are realizing. You must learn from your past in order not to repeat it. I think you are doing that.

I know for me I learned that I can be a taker. I want to be a taker. It feels darn good to be a taker. As long as it is balanced. LOL. It is hard for me but I am doing it. I want POJA and I will not be steam rolled over if I don't want something. Heck looking back on it I don't know how my FWW could respect me. I caved on everything.

Now I have changed. For the better I hope and I was fortunate that my FWW saw that. If she hadn't I wouldn't want her.

Everyone wants to be treated with respect and dignity. If the WH can't do that you aren't losing.

Again for me it is a return on investment. If I have to put 500 tokens into my FWW love bank to get 10 back why would I stay. Not a good return on my investment. I am worth the 500 back. Before I didn't see that now I do.

Silent I think you are doing great. Again I can't imagine what you are going through but I do know you are a strong person and you will get through it.

Thanks Frog,

I am blessed with the knowledge that I've gained from working on myself and talking to the wonderful folks here, as well as my friends (who have hated seeing me in so much pain).

One of my main faults from my marriage was not REALLY talking about what my problems were. Not voicing the truth. My taker took over, and I demanded help from my H. I really needed to learn to respect him, and others, it seems. I have a way of taking over and running things when they aren't moving at the pace that 'I' prefer. I started working on that while we were still together, but I went a little too far and became a bit of a doormat.

I am stronger now, and the pain that I suffer will pass. I also know that I brought it on myself, and am solely responsible for the fishing expedition.

I feel good today, my mouth is a bit sore from the oral surgery, but my spirit is in tact. I really am moving toward happiness, and it can be a struggle letting go of the past; and what I 'believe' to be true. I'm relying on what people demostrate through actions to me. I'm finding that many people care very much for me, and listen and help where they can.

I'm learning to let go of the things that I do not control. Ugh, that is a great lesson, and I wish everyone could learn it (without having to go through this, though). I'm looking forward to growing through this and coming out of this stronger, and better able to have fulfilling relationships with friends, family, and lovers...

Silent so sorry to hear about the recent turn of events.

Your WH so blind to the love that you want to give.

What do you think he met by saying he will just show up?

I want to think it might be a positive statement. Like maybe his ready to man up but he is wayward so who knows.

You are so strong, you slipped then right back to plan b.

Me still on the fence maybe I can knock WH off. LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I think you might be my plan b hero. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


Stay strong HUGS

I'm no hero.

You want to know what I'm doing right now. I'm crying my pitiful little eyes out, because my heart is broken AGAIN, and I allowed it. I know that I am headed for a divorce now. I will not hear from WH again. I'm a fool for thinking that anything that I have to SAY will make a difference at this point.

I mean, REALLY, he called the house thinking I was the new OW! What a pitiful idiot I must have looked like having a conversation with him about loving him and honoring that. That just gives him more reason to treat me like the dirt under his shoe, except I won't be there to see it. He became angry with me because I told him that I believed that the time to talk was over, as he got off of the phone with me and continued his date. That's a clear sign of a choice, and that choice was not M. He told me that I was putting words into his mouth (all via email).

I feel low all over again, like it was two months ago. I wish that I had some way of skipping this pain this time around, but I brought it on myself. I should have let him mistake me for OW, cried and remained quiet. He will never know how much I love my husband. I miss my husband. I want my life back. I angry and sad and confused.

I blame myself for this situation, and it will take time to get out of it again. I'm in soooo much pain right now, and I am trying to understand WHY? Part of it is that I expected H to show up, which he did for a split second, but WH quickly took his place.

I'm back in Plan B, and am suffering that intial want to contact WH, just like in the very beginning of Plan B. It's amazing how it's like starting over each time I hear from him (sound familiar -- like WS contacting OP). I hope to be springing back sooner than the last time.

I am, honestly, no hero...

(((((((SL))))))))

I'm so sorry to hear that you are having withdrawal again. Oh, sweetie, if I could be there for you I would just let you cry in my lap while I ran my fingers through your hair, telling you that everything will be okay and that YOU will be alright!

I know that YOU know this but I don't think that we can hear that enough in times like this.

Regardless, even if your WH showed up he would still be W for some time after...DH's don't just pop up on your doorstep...like WAT has said "there's alot of crapola," to work through. Lots of ill thought beliefs to get past...lots of them not owning and BS's wanting what we want when we want it...

Lots of impatience because things are no moving at the pace we would like...a long road to being compassionate for one another...working through the remaining anger of exposure, dealing with the A, the problems that existed prior too it...

You're super intelligent, you know this, I know, but I also know that it's harder to act on our intelligence...so easy to react and kick ourselves after...

Thing is you learned what it was that you needed to learn...CHIN UP...you're a brave soul in this army...you still have lots to do... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I still around here because I feel the need to give back...to help others face the hard times, see the light in all of the darkness...there's light...always is...it's the purpose for our stife that we are uncertain about...

Why, why, why...did this happen to me...I still don't know but I know without having gone through it, I wouldn't be the person that I am today...

Today, I hear you saying that it's a bad night/day for you, but tomorrow is a new...perhaps brighter...shinier...

One more day in this struggle that you have survived...JUST a little bit stronger, wiser, healthier...

So there's really NO need to be SOOOOO hard on yourself...you did what you felt you MUST...

Question is did you really deal with this in the beginning of Plan B or did you just push it in the background? Are you truely prepared to move on without any extra baggage?