Thanks Rinder,

Right now, I really miss my mom. I know that everything is going to be alright, it's just hard to deal with the flood of emotions. Part of this is real emotion, part of it is hormonally induced (I've got the dreaded PMS). Not to mention I had oral surgery two days ago, and my mouth is THROBBING, and, to top it all off, I JUST bumped my head. Talk about adding insult to injury.

I am truly ready to move on now. I realize that I'm not at war with an A, I'm fighting the dreaded single persons lifestyle. That's a whole different ball of wax. I have dealt with a lot of this recently, it's just a pretty hard blow when you hear how happy WH is looking forward to meeting with OW, to find that it is his WIFE, and then the phone goes dead. YEOOOOUUUUCH!

I knew that he was looking to date other woman, and that it why I entered Plan B. OBVIOUSLY, a good choice; I'm glad I now KNOW that Plan B was a good choice. It still doesn't hurt any less. The pain will subside and tomorrow's tomorrow will be better. I am truly ready for a D. That doesn't mean that I'm not disappointed or feel uncared for, it means that I am clear on why I am doing this. I can imagaine the torturous thoughts inside my WH's head. He doesn't WANT to hurt me, and he wants to love me, but the pull of the single life can be very enticing, especially to a young man who NEVER tasted the fruits of that life. I understand, and I cannot be there to witness it anymore.

I do feel for him, and know that he will have regrets, and I have very few. I don't crave the single life. I enjoy hanging out with my work buddies on the rare occasion that we go to happy hour together, and I enjoy going out with my girlfriends, but I have no interest in other men. I enjoy LOOKING at people, but that's as far as it goes.

How long did the two of you date? I ask because you said that he NEVER tasted the fruit of life.

Why is that?

I understand about LOOKING at people...BOY there was a NICE <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> one that walked into the office yesterday...Even his name sounded good! LMAO

In time...I'm so proud of you...have you patted yourself on the back lately? Please do it for me...

I love how clear headed you are...ready to face the brave new world...I think with Single parents (and this is if I were one also), that our kids come before looking for that OP. I mean if it happens it happens but to find someone to fill a void...I'm not interested...LOL

Hey, I just thought about it! LOL...our lit' ones will be starting school this coming year...my baby will be a big boy! YUCK! hope I don't get to mess out on to many kisses and hugs.


OH, OH...this is so funny...I asked L to taste something the other night and he told me "It's bad for his image." DH and I nearly died...i held up my fist and said this is going to be bad for your image! Oh, We laughed so hard!

WH and I dated for 6 years (lived together for 4) prior to marriage. We started dating when he was very young (17). He was not a ladies man and never had sex with anyone but me prior to marriage. He had a 'moment' with another 'girl' when he was 18 (they 'made out'--I was away for a few weeks due to military), and that was pretty hard on me, I cried for a week. He was so out of sorts for the pain he had caused and so very remorseful RIGHT away, that I remained his girlfriend. I thought, well, hey, he's only 18, and hormonal as h3ll, what should I expect.

Well, maybe that was a sign, who knows. I really didn't see that as such a big deal. We really did have so much fun together as a couple; and that is what I've missed for a few years now.

Oh, my DS is the best thing since sliced bread. He is my rock, my anchor that keeps me grounded and facing reality. He does say the darndest things. Lately, he's been vocalizing how he misses his daddy and that he wishes he lived with us. I tell him that I feel the same, but that daddy's choice is to not live here with ME, not DS. That this has NOTHING to do with him. I told DS that daddy has some problems that are HIS and that he has to work out, but he will always be DS's daddy, and love him.

DS also keeps talking about Santa, and when is he coming! I've been a good boy this year! Right? I say RIGHT!
He really has, he has worked through a lot of turmoil and learned to deal with him emotions very well. He says how he feels and doesn't hold back. If there is any lesson that I hope he takes with him in the end, it is that you must communicate your feelings, wants and needs. Do not squash them down, because no one can read your mind. He's getting very good at saying things like "Mommy, I'm angry at _____ (usually me, because I said no to something, but that gives me a chance to explain why).

Rin, you rock girl! Thanks for the boost...

LMAO...I love to hear the stories about the kids...especially this time of year...LMAo

I'm so glad to hear that I'm NOT the Only one hearing "Is it Christmas yet? Is santa coming soon?"

ANd is it just me, but I find it easier to buy for L then F. I mean there's a different of 4 yrs, but I can find stuff for L in a snap...

Oh, well, just some rambling thoughts of mine...

No problem, I'll be happy to "boost" you anytime...I hope you feel better soon!

I've read of many people waiting for WS's to file for divorce. I will be legally separated for 1 year in July, at which time I will be able to divorce. I don't know how willing I will be to remain married. I have these months to really hunker back down into Plan B, and evaluate my sitch, but I do not believe that WH would file for D (probably because of money); whereas I will, most likely, be ready. I gues I'm wondering if I'm breaking with MB if I file for D?

Right now, I'm still feeling the sting of recent events and know that I need to calm back down, and lick those wounds a bit, and recognize the sitch for what it is (I mean, I knew WH was pursuing this woman, but I still let it hurt me). Also, with WH having multiple affairs now, I don't want to prolong this M; I don't see him 'coming around' or waking up. I feel so badly for my son in all of this, but I don't want him to grow up thinking that this is Marriage.

Either WH is happy or terribly confused, or, well, I really don't know, but I don't see him coming home. In the past, if things were too hard, he just avoided them. Well, I'd say working back from this damage would be damned hard. I'm not trying to assume, just understand where I stand in his mind.

Anyway, I would like opinions from all, any opinions, and 2x4's or whatever.

Truth is, I feel like an idiot for still harboring any notion that my WH would react to Plan B in a positive way (for me). He's acted in a positive way, alright. He may still be happy for his freedom; not outwardly suffering any. I'm working toward recognizing this man as he is NOW, and not as I THOUGHT he was. I must accept him now. I feel it is disrespectful to project what I 'think' WH should be like, and not look at him from the vantage point of just another person. When I do, I'm a bit disgusted at first, and then I feel a bit sorry for him.

Well, blah blah, any information from those who've been through this mess, recovered, divorced, in limbo, whatever; I'd be grateful.

Silent,

MB doesn't say be a doormat. It is not breaking the principles do get a D.

After an A the BS is completely entitled to a D at anytime.

Now for you your WH is acting like a single person you have done what you can to draw him back into your M as a married man. He is resisting so if you have to make him single by getting a D nobody will fault you.

I am not a grass is greener type of guy heck look at my story. If not for my two kids this M would have been over long ago. But becuase of them she had time to work on it.

Maybe getting the papers will give him the wake up call.

Sometimes people just don't get it. If he doesn't it is his loss.

Unfortunately you love him so it is a loss to you as well.

In the end though no matter what happens you will come out of this a better person if that is any consolation(sp).

I wish they sold that thing they had in Men in Black that can erase memories that would make this whole pile a crap easier.

Wish I had some inspiration but I don't just support. Hang in there.

Thanks Frog,

I know that I've heard that the 'responsibility' of filing should be left on the waywards shoulders, but in my world that's just gonna take too long. As you said, I can't save this M myself, it takes two. I'm at peace with my decision, however, I know that it will be a bumpy ride, as well as emotional, and I want to have the support of MB folks as well as my friends and family (<-- they are ready for me to D). To D will be a loss to me, on many levels, but we will all survive, and I will do my best to ensure DS's happiness, and stability. I came from a very broken family, and had hoped that I could avoid the same pitfalls, but it seems that I can only control my way of thinking. Go figure <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Hi, I was just dropping in to say hi! I think that you are doing the right thing also!

I have to back Frog up on this one. I'm pretty busy today...keeping up with work and my sitch...

I'll try to make some more time to post later, if not, you have a great weekend.

My boss, well, one of them, had surgery today, so, i get to hold down the fort. And they said if things were quiet, then we could leave @ 4:30 today! it's like a mad rush to get everything done. one of our employee's son is getting Med tonight and we're all going to the wedding!

Love you...You're doing great! No self-doubt, K?

SL,

Just remember the DS. That is the one you are being a lighthouse for now.

The way your WH is acting is not a positive role model for your son.

You are being that role model now. He should learn women can be independant if they are not treated with the respect and dignity they diserve.

You will do great. I just kept telling myself I know I am worth more. If she doesn't see it then I may as well be by myself. I will not give someone permission to devalue me. Nor should you and that is why sticking to your guns in plan b is the best thing for you. You are a valuable person!!!!!

Last year, when all of the horror of D Day went down and WH moved out, I began looking up songs to sing to my DS when he went to bed, so that he knew how much I loved him and how I would be there for him. Well, I remember thinking that I would look up the words to this particular song, because all I had ever known was the chorus. I thought it said exactly what he needed to hear. I was dead wrong. When I read the words it really spoke to me, and what I believe many others here feel after D Day

YOU ARE MY SUNSHINE

You Are My Sunshine
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are grey.
You'll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away

The other nite, dear,
As I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms.
When I awoke, dear,
I was mistaken
And I hung my head and cried.

You are my sunshine,
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are grey.
You'll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away.

I'll always love you
And make you happy
If you will only say the same
But if you leave me
To love another
You'll regret it all some day;

You are my sunshine,
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are grey.
You'll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away.

You told me once, dear
You really loved me
And no one else could come between
But now you've left me
And love another
You have shattered all my dreams;

You are my sunshine,
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are grey.
You'll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away.

SL: that is the song both WH and I sang to my DS when he was between the ages of about 2 and 5...same age and your son. He still gets this shy little grin when I sing a couple of lines to him when I tuck him in at night (and he's so grown up now at 8).

There's a recording of it sung by Burl Ives that WH downloaded a few years ago (back when he did that kind of thing).

Another one that strikes a chord for me is seasonal...Count Your Blessings. It's from White Christmas. (when I'm worried, and I can't sleep, I count my blessings instead of sheep...). WH used to hold DS8 and rock him and sing that song to him. It kind of choked me up at the time, so now it is even more bittersweet. I wish he would have taken the words to heart...

So "You are my Sunshine" has my vote for you and your sweet little boy. May it bring both of you peace and joy.
Hugs,
LilSis

I've gone back to square one recently. After the 'mistaken identity' call, it came crashing down, that last little tiny bit of hope that I may be able to reclaim a M with my WH, resulting from Plan B. I realize now, that I have been in and out of the phases of grief, and not in an orderly fashion. I realize that I waivered between bargaining (with myself) and anger. I'm now in a very depressed state, and I think that is because I really appreciate what I have to deal with now.

Why I'm so distraught, I do not understand. I set up the LSA to begin with. I knew that WH couldn't do this R anymore, and yet I'm crying like I did right after D day. It has been driven home that I now DEFINITELY have no M. The man that I M no longer exists, and yet I cry. What the h3ll is wrong with this picture?

I have no more bargaining chips, I've run out. WH gets to see his son, and spend time with him w/o the responsibility of daily care, WH can date w/o remorse, because he NOW can tell his friends that he 'tried' and it didn't work out. Because I'm in Plan B, WH does not have to 'see' me or 'talk' to me or 'deal' with me in any way, so he is freed from MUCH guilt. He has been party to taking the life that I worked toward and steering it off of a cliff. I'm angry about that. I feel that I deserve more. BUT, and this is a big one, I feel that I deserved more from him. That's a tough one to let go of. It will take time.

Any insight into this rambling? I just want to feel better and move on. I feel rutted and so very sad. I didn't realize that I was holding on to hope for WH to 'wake up', but now that I don't have that anymore, I feel like I've hit bottom again. Any words of inspiration for those heading for divorce? I've got to make it through the holidays (WH's birthday is Dec 26th also!). I have started to focus on two things that I want to accomplish over the next few months, and I hope that helps, but any advice will help.

Why do you feel so certain about this? We all thought this during Plan B.

You are going through withdrawal again after having the telephone contact with him....

From my PLAN B journal..reminding myself after my PLAN B slipups...

You are an inspiration to me Mimi,

I cannot believe that others have perservered this travel through purgatory and survived. I will write this down,

CONTACT RESULTS IN YEARNING/PANIC

It really does. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I function much better while in the dark; I am working toward a goal that will bring me back to me, and I got side-tracked. I am an intelligent, capable, funny, attractive young woman, and I need to work toward seeing myself this way again (I once did, y'know!). It's very difficult right now, and I feel so low. I need to go thru withdrawal again, and I could kick myself.

I now KNOW the difference between loving my H and what the WH is. No control either, that's a big one. I'm learning, but with the learning comes the assumptions. What a mess my head is. I have relinquished planning my Christmas meal to my sister, because I have enough to do with hosting the dinner. It's good to get help. I've learned not to do everything and to ask for help (I was never able to do that before). I do doubt my strength right now, but I have no choice but to push through, and try to smile, for my DS. He deserves a happy mommy. I'm going to work toward happiness again. Maybe get guitar lessons, maybe take the time to teach myself. One day at a time...

To anyone else in Plan B, please note

ANY CONTACT WITH WS WILL CAUSE PAIN AND SET BACK YOUR RECOVERY

There is a reason the Harleys recommend 18-24 months of Plan B before giving up. Nearly all A's will end by then, and when the A ends, the WS almost always tries to reopen the relationship with their BS.

You have been in Plan B just over 2 months. It is only just now really starting to sink in to him. However strange the holidays seem to you without him, multiply that by a hundred for how strange it is for him.

So he has the OW to distract him......that will only add to the strangeness of it all. Give this time before you give up.

Neak,

It's such a blessing to have so many strangers care and give their wisdom so freely to others, and I thank you.

I knew these stat's, and find them daunting sometimes, especially after last week. I feel much better today, and hope that I am able to hold on for the long haul. I've seen many people go from Plan B to D, to have their WS's ask to be a part of their lives again. Currenlty, I see that the majority would rather not try with their ex's. I really wish that I could avoid that fate, but I must learn to let go, and I fear now, that when I do, I'm going to move on. I keep telling myself "no fear, C, no fear!"

I have been thinking about how WH must be dealing with all of this, as my compassion has kicked in (since last week). I'm sure this is like an out of body experience for him, so unreal. He will celebrate his 32nd birthday with his DS, no wife, no adoring family, that must be odd, to say the least, and hurtful to realize that you've CHOSEN this.

I don't care how painful this is, I would rather be on the BS's side than the WS's side. I have gained clarity that I never had during all of this, and am grateful that I will have tools for a better me, a true me, for the rest of my life. I can't explain what I mean very well right now, but you get the jist...

SL,

And you won't get anyone stranger then me. LOL

I wanted to stop in and wish you happy holidays. I admire you for your strength. I know you always say you aren't and you shouldn't be admired buy you are and you should.

You make a wonderful lighthouse. I know one day someone will see that and enrich your life the way you enrich others.

I wish you all the best during the holidays and give that kid of yours a big hug and a kiss that is what this time of year is about.

Thanks for checkin in on me Frog, it's nice to see you around. I have no idea what the future holds, but I am beginning to look forward to it; I think this is what they mean by letting go. I'm not leaving WH in the dust, but I'm slowly traveling in a direction that will be good for ME and DS.

Today was pretty busy, so not much time to THINK, which can be good. I'm fairly exhausted now. Santa dropped by to leave some goodies for my DS, so I needed to stay up to wrap them....uh, I mean bring them in the house and help Santa set them up...Riiiiight!

Happy Christmas to all!

How should I respond to my DS when he tells me that he wishes his daddy still lived with us? He has been saying this more often lately, as I think it is sinking in with him that his life has changed completely. I feel bad for him because he does not see us together anymore. He is feeling the loss now. He's not outwardly sad, but it's the little things that I notice.

On New Year's Eve, my sister and her beau were at our house celebrating, and had too many drinks for me to allow them to drive, so they stayed in my spare room. When DS woke, he bursted upstairs to see them , and proceeded to tell my sister's beau that he missed his daddy. I think DS was playing with sister and beau and thought about his daddy.

I feel for that little guy. I know how he feels, and it's tough to comprehend at that age. I usually tell him that he should talk to his daddy and tell him his feelings; I repeat what DS says back to him, so that he knows that I hear him. I hug him and tell him that I love him, alas I'm not his daddy. It hurts me deeply to know he is pained at all, much less permanently; the scars unseen...

Any advice would be great! I really wish that I had the power to hold my son's family together, but I cannot. It's amazing how the pain is compounded by the childrens' pain. If this was just me, I could move on without as much pain, but knowing that I, in a way, contributed to him losing his father, well, that's a tough pill to swallow... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />