Well if you mean in time to recover before a divorce is final...no one ever really knows.

I will say that pretty much every WS has come crawling back [the statistics support this and it has been my observation]...including some who have pulled the most appalling sh*t you can imagine and those who were gone for years.

Generally speaking the problem is that by the TIME the WS has begun the process of pulling their head out of their rectum the BS has run out of gas.

In my case SF with wh did not help one bit. I became very bitter and resentful after engaging in SF with my WH. I did not receive the love I was seeking from him and could not reconcile the fact that he would leave me and go back to sleep with OW. That was too much emotional stress to handle. I would only suggest engaging in SF with WH if you are emotionally strong enough to handle it.I felt lower knowing that OW did not fall apart when she found out wh had been with me, she simply upped her game and became more manipulitive convincing my passive WH that I had tricked him into engaging with me and OW convinced him that I was trying to ruin their love PUKE. Unfortunately he fell for that and refused to even meet with me casually from there on out. Just beware of all the pro's and con's of SF with a wayward. Things don't always turn out the way we envision them to. Protect yourself emotionally Lil Sis, if it ever comes to that. If I had to do it over I'd skip the SF, but that's just my opinion of course. I risked way too much and wasn't prepared for the loss of self-esteem, I gambled more than I could afford to lose.

As a stupid wayward I said all of that stupid crap and actually believed it. I thought we would be the happiest couple on earth if only we could leave our mates and be together. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> <gag> I would have done anything to keep from having sex with my husband.

BUT...another thing you should know. I did NOT trust the OM. He had moved out of his home and was living with his mother. He still stopped by his house and did things for his wife and visited with his boys. I was insanely jealous when I knew he was there doing that. It caused tension between us. I just knew that they were talking or something was going on behind my back that he was not telling me. I would ask him if he hugged her or if he kissed her, what he said and what she said...etc.

Now, what do you think that did to our little love affair relationship? How attractive do you think THAT was?

Over time it got very tiring, for him and for me. I believe that is why affairs run their course. The new and exciting eventually gets old and exhausting.

I can relate to his issue with the panties and I agree that it should stop. It probably would have made me mad. Sex was the furtherest thing from my mind. What I needed and what made the most impression on me was for him to just be a FRIEND.

BTW, I am madly in love with my dear husband now. He is the most wonderful husband and he would do anything in the world for me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

There is HOPE....keep your chin up and keep hangin on. You never know what is really going on, but it is NOT the love nest you suspect. I am sure it is a rollercoaster.

I can't catch up with this so I'm not too sure what everyone has had to say.

I did catch this.



Sounds like a Mimi opinion to me. Sis always speaks so well, IMO, for herself and it's my opinion so I don't need to say anything.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Here's my 12 cents.

Of course this is a touchy subject and the choice one makes is personal.

That being said, it's not a secret that I don't feel that I would have recovered my marriage if I had not engaged in SF with my H...

As I have said before, for us it was not about the SEX. Actually it was about ADMIRATION. This is an important point I think for you, too, Sis.

The ADMIRATION NEED was what the FOW was meeting in my situation. I don't think she was all that in the SF department. My H remained very much attracted to me THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE PROCESS. SO MORE IMPORTANT TO HIM THAN THE SEXUAL ACTIVITIES DURING PLAN A WAS THE FACT THAT I BEGAN TO DESIRE HIM and when it was over I WAS MOST APPRECIATIVE. and I truly was...my drive seemed to have sky- rocketed after D-DAY..."You don't miss your water until the well runs dry?" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

SO THE KEY WAS BEING ABLE TO REPEATEDLY MEET THE ADMIRATION NEED plus the SF need. The ADMIRATION NEED had exclusively been her department FOR YEARS....Like Pep, we had continued with the SF....

I guess it depends on the OW whether or not it's helpful for her to know or not.

My H was so ADDICTED to her and FEARFUL of her knowing.. that if she found out... his contact with me would have been over. To this day, I cannot fully understand what the FEAR was all about. I don't know if she would YELL or SCREAM or HIT HIM or what.

When my H finally left her for me, I believe she was TOTALLY SHOCKED.

RT sounds like the OW in my case. I heard the OW in my situation make comments to him like RT has made: "You know you can't stay away from me..the woman you REALLY LOVE...you are just trying to LOOK GOOD by going back to her..YUCK....

And, Sis, I believe that my H was most definitely "in love" with the OW. It was a ROMANTIC AFFAIR with mushy cards and lettters and phone calls....YUCK....

My H is definitely IN LOVE with me now....

I continue to pray this for you...

What if you say to him, "It's clear that I want you. What do you expect me to do about sex?"

Make it clear to him that you NEED HIM....

My H says he thought prior to D-Day that I wasn't interested in sex with him..so felt REJECTED and UNLOVED by me. He equates SEX with LOVE not just SEX for SEX. Well, there's that, too <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />. That's how it STARTED with the OW... but he eventually he wasn't with her for the SEX. Sadly, he was with her for the LOVE and/or ADMIRATION.

I like this.
it feels real honest and open to me.

LilSis,

I had SF with my WH. After D-Day#1, he agreed to ATTEMPT to work on the M, so he would just grab me at strange moments and we would have SF. He said, after he left, that he was trying to FEEL something for me. I felt like I was raped!

After he left the home, but coming around often, and the OW had gone back to her H (but she was still working with my WH), we had SF. I can't say that I totally regret it, but I did feel that I was USED, and it did cause me lots of pain...

My WH moved back in for 8 mos, then moved back out; he never REALLY came home, he just lived here...

If you can handle it, I say do as YOU need, but be prepared for the difficulty of WH CHOOSING OW's bed over yours...

I really like Mimi's suggestion. At the VERY least, even if he behaves rejectionally toward you, you have introduced the thought that, oh wait, if I don't get my act together, someone else is going to be checking whether she's wearing any panties.

WS's are real dogs in the manger.

SL:

I hear you!

For me, I didn't feel USED or RAPED. I'm so sad for you for feeling this way...

I MADE A DEFINITE CHOICE TO DO WHAT I DID...

Turns out in the end, the FOW was ACTUALLY USED in my situation...which was HER CHOICE....

Their relationship started with her being willing TO PLAY with my H..have CASUAL SEX with him...

My SF with him was NEVER about PLAY..nor CASUAL...

SERIOUS BUSINESS..WARFARE...

I like that one. If I "threw" my self at him he would be totally turned off; I would seem desperate (and then I would lose self-respect), so that's a no go all around.

His response, however, would be, "I don't know." "It's not my problem." "Go find someone." "Take care of it yourself." or the like.

We also had SF throughout the A, although it petered off as he became increasingly distant and we began to argue more and more. Right after d-day, we had some really intense encouters...for me it was the fact that there were FINALLY no more lies between us that made it special. But since he moved out...nuthin'. Once this summer, I had been out at the bar with my best friend, and I hit on him...the way you do after ONE beer when you weigh 95 pounds. He was clearly aroused, but wouldn't give in....not because of my condition, but because he couldn't "cheat."

You see, he is an honorable man. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

How can you be so sure?

The thought of you being with someone else wouldn't bother him AT ALL?

He probably has AVOIDED that thought to the best of his ability.



Did he say this?

Even if he DID say that, it is not what he would think. It would stick in his craw, haunt him, and torment him.

He may think he does not want you, but be sure he doesn't want anyone else to have you, either.

LilSis, I think you've been doing extremely well!

I agree with backing off on the panty thing, although it WOULD be tempting to leave a pair in his car. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I've been wondering...how about occasionally taking a plate of cookies down to his station? Just breeze in (when a lot of the guys are there), being your usual sweet and chatty self (and looking especially good!), tell whoever's there that you went a lil' crazy with the cookie-baking, so you thought they all might like a lil' snack as your way of showing appreciation for what they do for the community.

Now, I don't mean that you should give the appearance of "man-hunting"...not at all! However, men DO talk, and chances are that they will talk about what a beautiful and sweet woman you are and what a [censored] your WH is for leaving you. Heck, they may even tell HIM what a [censored] he is! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> True, one or two of 'em might even ask you out, but that's OK, too. You can politely say that you are still married and will not date other men, but thanks, anyway! If that happens, it will likely get back to your WH, too...and that will be fine. He will know that you are honoring your vows, BUT he may also realize that SOMEBODY ELSE may eventually take his place!

Not saying you SHOULD do this, but might be worth the effort! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

LS,
Did you read susan's post about what a jelous OW she was?
always questioning Him afte rhe had been w/ wife...always supicious.
I imagine RT to be like this.....do you?
interrogating him about every moment he spends w/ you.

The more time you spend w/ him that she knows about the more she will be interrogating him and eventually that will get very old.

That's great advice. I wish I had known then what I know now..I was not prepared at all for my WH choosing the OW's bed over mine...and further, I wasn't prepared for the OW not reacting in the way I thought she would when she found out.My WH felt "guilty" and told her what happened and instead of LB'ing him she accepted it and schemed and planned on me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> I later found all of these things out from WH after divorce.He felt the need to come clean with me..after the fact <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Told me how understanding OW was because she knew I had confused him <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
Lil Sis,
How do you think RT would react if she suspected your WH had SF with you? It just concerns me that a OW so cunning and wicked would stop at nothing. From reading your posts about her she seems a lot like the OW from my sitch..However, With guidance from the pro's here I'm sure you will do well in any case.

Nia, that is exactly what I'm thinking too.

I think it is good to consider that a predatory OP may react differently than the average ordinary "oops!" affair partner.

LilSis, I think I detect a familiar theme here.........

Is your H impressed with a show of "toughness?" I am picking up a theme here and wonder if you think its important to prove how "tough" you are to him? This was a trap that I once fell into. I am a very willful, headstrong woman who used to think that a show of "toughness" [often overt dominance] was very attractive to others. It appealed to my [then] sense of radical feminism to show what a big stud I was and compete head to head with men.

What I didn't realize was that this was a HUGE TURN OFF to my husband [and most men] because he felt that I was constantly COMPETING with him. It was a major LOVEBUSTER that caused him to fall out of love with me. He wanted a lover, not a competitor. And since he wanted peace in the household, he would let me win, sit back while I DOMINATED. I flaunted the fact that I had a successful career and was the main breadwinner.

Since he was somewhat passive and indecisive it was easy for him to let me take over all decision making. He eventually gave up and relegated all decision making to me. After a few years of this, he no longer felt like a man. But, boy was I TOUGH and empowered and IN CHARGE!

This left him vulnerable to the first woman who came along and looked up to him. She made him FEEL LIKE A MAN. She didn't compete with him or try to show him how "tough" she was. This was irresistable to him.

Does any of this resonate with you? Are you talking about your "toughness" with him because you are trying to convey that you have boundaries? Or are you telling us this because you believe it is an admirable trait that will attract him? Does your "toughness" attract or repel him? It absolutely REPELLED my husband and I have since learned that it repels most men. What say you?

LilSis:

Felt it was time for me to drop in and confess...

Just one A. Long Term. 4.5 years.

Same OW. Had SF with BS the entire time as well.

Came clean on Dday and never went back to OW.

I do have a rather free sexuality, and so does BS. OW, not so. Thanks Nia, I have reported that on other threads.

There are similarities in LilSis's H and me, but not as many as in LilSis and My BS.

So that is one of the reasons I think I can help LilSis.

While LilSis was out being SuperMom, the cool, sexy, succulent LilSis was missing for LS's WH. The one who said that he could be "Captain in 10 Years" And who, even while puking, said, lets buy a boat... And we all fall into a "routine"

And with a perceived Low-self-esteem, LS's WH was really feeling on the outs. And then RT decides that her life ain't so grand either.

She is from the wrong side of the tracks. LilSis isn't, nor is LS's WH, but he can't compete with all the family expectations. (Brothers, FIL) (BTW: Real affection guy there, that FIL...)

So, LS's WH is dropping to another level, where he is comfortable. And RT Admires him and feeds his affection need. And off they go to Affair land.

Paid for by RT's Attorney Husband and LilSis's emotional pain, her criminal record, and the children's pain to come... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

So, that's why I recommend the panty routines. She is showing WH her Sexy side, that it was always there, and that LilSis had put the kids first, like mom's do, and she realizes that it was a mistake. Can she back off? LilSis's choice, I like Jims Suggestion if she is going to stop or slow down. Stay with the roses. They are working, even if they are drying out in the Man-Vase, he isn't just tossing them into the snowbank at the back door... Have the kids ask him over for dinner as often as possible. Surprise him with dinner and the boys at the IL's. (If you can catch him there)

And I like the poster SHOL (?) who said that WWIII may have occurred btw RT and WH over the court case, in WH's offhand comment to you about it. That is creating secrets btw you and WH and that makes cracks like that appear. .

And LilSis, none of the above is bashing you. This is the "routine" of M. If I had the knowledge from this website in 2000, my life would be dramatically different. And if you had this info in 2003, so would yours. Your H's choice to have an A was wrong, just like mine. You, nor my BS "MADE us do it" we made the bad choice. I just hope that your WH is worthy of you when this phase is in the past. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

LG



Another thread that MEDC has signed off on, and it had nothing to do with me...

Mel:

Our posts crossed, but you are addressing the same area's that I was speaking of.

I do not think that LilSis has shown as much toughness as you note however. Was she too "tough" in the past? Yes. Scared the H.

She needed to show that "toughness" this weekend considering all the circumstances.

I believe that LilSis has good control of this "toughness" dial now. Just like you... And my BS for that matter...



And I love the rest of your descriptions.....




LG Slapping head! Exclaiming: "I KNEW it! I couldn't put my finger on it until you said this"

ROTFLMAO.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

And really, I bow to your wisdom and insight every day around here. I really do.