Dyno ping pong ball!!!

A wonderful project for you and the boys would be creating a calendar for WH! Pick pics of the boys that he really likes or that the boys really like. If you might just be in a couple of those pics, you know.....like in the background or something <well opps>.

There are *gobs* of sites in which to do this, here's one. You can choose a 12 month or an 18 month calendar for little money. You can also have personal birthdays and other important dates on it. You know, last day of school, first day of school, your IL's anniversary, your anniversary <oops again>.

http://www.shutterfly.com/calendars/info...aign=09calendar

OT: Knowing that Lilsis enjoys soup...

Here's a really great recipe for Minestrone Soup that I just tried:

3 tablespoons olive oil
1 cup minced white onions (about 1 small onion)
1/2 cup chopped zucchini
1/2 cup frozen cut italian green beans
1/4 cup minced celery (about 1/2 stalk)
4 teaspoons minced garlic (about 4 cloves)
4 cups vegetable broth
2 (15 ounce) cans red kidney beans, drained
2 (15 ounce) cans small white beans or great northern beans, drained
1 (14 ounce) can diced tomatoes
1/2 cup carrots, julienned or shredded
2 tablespoons minced fresh parsley
1 1/2 teaspoons dried oregano
1 1/2 teaspoons salt
1/2 teaspoon ground black pepper
1/2 teaspoon dried basil
1/4 teaspoon dried thyme
3 cups hot water
4 cups fresh baby spinach
1/2 cup small shell pasta


1)Heat three tablespoons of olive oil over medium heat in a large soup pot.

2)Saute onion, celery, garlic, green beans, and zucchini in the oil for 5 minutes or until onions begin to turn translucent.

3)Add vegetable broth to pot, plus diced tomatoes, beans, carrot, hot water, and spices.

4)Bring soup to a boil, then reduce heat and allow to simmer for 20 minutes.

5)Add spinach leaves and pasta and cook for an additional 20 minutes or until desired consistency.

Makes about eight 1 1/2 cup servings.


It was REALLY great!

~ Marsh

Sis,

On the height thing - I don't have any research regarding that in front of me. My gut says that the issue would be eye-to-eye contact, power, and height combined. The difference in your heights would place him much higher, causing him to physically look down at you all the time. He has to look down at most of the people he meets in his life, and I would venture to say that in his position as an officer, he has come to utilize this as a form of power play in communication. As such, he may unconsciously transfer that to your communications and interactions as well. He would not intend to do so, but might nonetheless. That may be why you feel better at the top of the stairs - it takes that position of you being below him out of the mix. His height has a lot to do with it, but when it comes down to it, it has to do with power, eye to eye contact, etc. That's my take on it - but again, don't have any research to back it up.


I'd like to weigh in on the issue of his not wanting to come down to eye level with your son when son was upset. This, again, is a "man" thing. There are body-language issues here that are fairly complicated, so I will water it down. Basically, dad's take was that DS8 needed to "man up", and if dad went down to that level, it defeated the purpose of teaching that lesson in "man world" terms. Dads will go down to the level of the child when there is physical pain, or VERY serious immediate and obvious emotional hurt - but not usually for the type of situation you described.

Now, I know your take on it is that DS8 has been experiencing very serious immediate and obvious emotional pain re: the D and situation, etc. However, WH in this particular instance was relating strictly to the event at hand, and not the overall situation. Again, "man" stuff - complicated to explain in this forum. Suffice it to say that many dads in this situation wouldn't have gotten down to eye level with the boy. WH isn't unusual here.


It helps to know that men and women are different in their communicative styles for a reason, and to accept those differences. What you also need to know is that your SONS understand their father's style - they are male, and while it seems strange to say this (and probably politically incorrect as well - but the RESEARCH backs me on it), males and females do communicate differently, utilize body language differently, and interpret communicative intents differently.

It's important to remember that while you may see something, as a woman, as insensitive, a GUY on the other hand may not give it a second thought.

And vice-versa.

When it comes to parenting, this issue also applies. Might help in your arsenal.

SB

RSpoon:

The calendar idea?

Bad.

Why?

A calendar like that would go on the wall of HIS place. And if he got one, that's what he would think about it.

A wonderful idea when he returns. No doubt about that.

Just a question that occured to me?

Anyone watch "Close To Home" on CBS last night?

They had a phychologist (sp?) do this thing about pictures on the wall. Wife, who killed H, had pictures of her and kids in her spaces, no Husband. In the Husband's spaces, he had pictures of the kids with him, no wife.

Interesting.

LilSis, How many pictures of H w/kids in the house? You didn't take any off the wall after d-day did you? Could you put some up?

LG

RS: I ain't beating up on you, this is the second idea of yours I have shot down, nothing personal!

Well, I'm not so sure I agree with you on that one. I was actually thinking of it for his office, or FIL's house, and if the disaster of him moving into RT's should occur, she certainly wouldn't like that calendar, and since it would be wonderful pictures of his children, he wouldn't throw it out. Would he? (serious question....I'm not a guy..lol)



Don't worry about it! I don't take it that way at all. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I just figure it can't hurt to throw out ideas, and if it's something that would work for LS, she'll know. If not....she'll know that too.

I've just turned into a HD fanatic myself, so I hope LS's WS gets that darn antenea up and running!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Boy, that soup sounds good!!! Might be just the thing for a football-less weekend! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

It really IS good.

My family voted it the best soup I've ever made. And I make GREAT homemade soup! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

~ Marsh

SchoolBus: Another very insightful post! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

The soup sounds WONDERFUL. I've been looking for a good minestrone. And definately enough there to share...

SB: Thanks again for the insight. That whole male/female communication style thing is so beyond me. I grew up in a house full of girls, so observing male/male interaction is not something I can really appreciate. Clearly I am clueless. And here I am trying to raise two boys...

I wondered the same thing as LG about the calendar. Since WH doesn't have an office, it would have to go in the ILs house, and my gut reaction is that time is going by without him..?? A weirdness, a feeling that it's permanent. Looking at those family pictures for me is so hard...all these happy family vacations when I wondered why he seemed so distant....one of the emails I discovered on d-day RT talked about how WH "tried" to go without contacting her while we were on vacation, and he couldn't even go a day without caving and calling her (thus she had "THE POWER"). So now I look at those photos (all dated of course)--beautiful scenes--and know what he was REALLY thinking. He was wishing she were there instead of me.

I can tell by the pursed-lip smile. His fake smile that doesn't reach his eyes. Closed, not open. Tense, not happy. I could read it even then, and I was so confused. Ugh. So many lies.

As far as pics in the house, I have one whole wall with old family photos blown up...his parents and my parents wedding days, family photos of each of our parents when they were children, photos of WH and I each when we were very small. There was a small snapshot of the WH and the boys that was on a shelf that I took down (but can put right back up), and one of our family on the fridge that I tore up in front of WH after d-day.

I told the boys that I thought dad might be feeling...and DS11 jumps in, "lonely?" Yes, how did you know I was going to say that? Just guessed, he said.

Anyway, I asked them to think of what they might do to help dad not feel so lonely for them. DS8 immediately said we should make him pancakes (we were eating them at the time...how creative). I told them to really give it lots of thought and come up with some ideas and we can work together to do something nice for dad. I think I'd rather not do something that's...decorative?...since it leaves me with the implication of permanency. Maybe a little video clip that they stich together on the computer...them singing a song or doing a little skit.

I also suggested that next time they have an afternoon with dad that maybe they would want to invite him to the house so they could play x-box together or something else in the attic. Last night with the babysitter, they were throwing the Nerf football...totally appropriate for the attic because it's indestructible up there. I told the boys that it might make dad feel better about coming over to the house if I went out and did something away from home, and I'd be happy to do that so they could have their fun.

DS11 told me that WH told him he was "envious" of the attic. I'm sure WH is uncomfortable in ILs...it's drafty and dark...our house is so sunny and cozy. (except when it's cloudy, which is 80% of the time...but we have tons of windows, so lots of natural light). I can't imagine he's especially comfortable at RT's...that was her marital home...but I guess icky-ness is all relative...once you've crossed a certain "line" the ick factor becomes a non-issue.

Oh ICK!! I'm sorry to have brought those thoughts to mind. How horrible. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

His envy of the attic room is intriguing though. Wonder if there's a way to make it even more attractive (to WH)?

An HD antenna.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Some of my wedding photos were ruined for me ... OW and her H were guests ... H hid the photo album from me after I tried to tear it apart ... I re-did it last year (it was falling apart after 25 years) ... and I'm happy H managed to keep me from going off the deep end

My baptism photos were "fake" ... H was my sponsor ... my adulterous lying sponsor guiding me closer to God

It does get better after some years ... perspective widens
other issues loom in the foreground

but
I wanted you to know
the "photograph" problem is pretty universal

((( Sis )))

Pep

Yes, I'm sure the photograph problem is universal. No way to erase it, either, is there? I will say that it was much more painful shortly after d-day...now the whole A business is such a prominent part of my life that pictures seem the least of my worries. Perspective widening, as you say? I just packed all the actual photos away, and refuse to look at the photo library on the computer. Sigh.

A water main broke, and ILs has been under a boil water advisory for two days, and it looks like it is going to continue for at least another day. They don't even want people to shower in it (yuck!).

I texted WH:
"Thirsty? You can stay here if you like...in the attic. No pressure."

Got a text right back:
"I'm fine, thank you."

My response:
"Well, if you change your mind...this is your home after all."

RT's house under the boil water advisory, too. Hopefully she's drinking un-boiled water by the gallon. Then again, maybe they decided to get a hotel room together...ugh.

ahhh, lil sis, just stay with the mental image of RT drinking the water and doing the tiajuana two step all day!
the thought of it is giving me warm fuzzies... ;o)
SAS. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

LilSis, I've been a paralegal for 15+ years (just so you know). In Texas you can get online (look for ____ County District Clerk) website and access their public records. Where I live you can see the entire docket (history) of the case. Once you have the case number you can even call the clerk of the court and just ask if there's a final hearing set. Even if you don't have the case number, the clerk will look it up for you. If you can't access records online where you are, you can still just call the court and ask. They usually don't ask who you are because the records are just that... PUBLIC RECORD. I found out tons of valuable intel on the OW this way.

Heck, for that matter... email me the info privately and I'll call the court. I do it every day.

Hi Sis:

Yes, I certainly support working on your PLAN A.

But, I don't think that we should forget that a major part of PLAN A is PERSONAL CHANGE.

For me, that included MAJOR CHANGES in MY PROSPECTIVE regarding MARRIAGE AND PARENTING. I held your SAME BELIEFS and STEVE HARLEY himself told me that I was "WRONG" and asked me "WHAT MAKES YOU MORE OF AN AUTHORITY ON PARENTING THAN YOUR HUSBAND"? Honestly and truly, I said almost the exact same things about my H to Steve and that was his response to me.

If you CHANGE your MINDSET and UNDERSTANDING of these issues, it will NATURALLY come across in your interactions with your WH. As Mel has indicated, this was a MAJOR CHANGE that my H had to see me demonstrate during PLAN A. Mimi:"I appreciate now what you have been trying to do as a FATHER to your SONS..they needed the benefit of your toughness..I know that you were doing (this and that) that I criticized out of your love for them. WH: "You are just saying these things now because you want me to come home. You don't really believe what you are saying. It's going to be the same old thing. How can I believe you?"...the nature of our PLAN A conversations....

I was blessed in that my H had talked to Steve and Steve shared that my H felt like a FAILURE as a PARENT and that HURT him immensely. So, he was going to try to DO IT OVER AGAIN with the OW and her daughter...THAT FAILED..

I'm just saying that we can not downplay the significance of the parenting issue.

Schoolbus' assessment turned out to be TRUE in my sitation.. I'm going to go back and find it so that I can quote her...

You are me and SB is Steve Harley!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

ETA: And I see this especially now that our sons are MEN!! I coddled and overprotected them too much. It's a problem that I am still trying to remedy.

Go Mimi!

I think an adjustment in your beliefs about your WH's parenting skills will go WAAAAAAAAY farther than the "panty capers" have.

When you've questioned his choices w/ regards to his sons, you haven't just questioned his intelligence, but MUCH MUCH MUCH MORE importantly, HIS LOVE for his boys.

If anyone questioned my love for my children, it would feel as though they have judged my soul...OUCH! OUCH!

Please HEAR what Mimi is saying to you.

~ Marsh

I had been giving this some thought this morning...trying to think of how to address this with WH. I thought of writing him a note. Let me just brainstorm here:

WH:
You and I talked the other day about how I was feeling so overwhelmed and out of my league with parenting alone. It has since occurred to me that that attitude has been my problem all along. For a long time, I have denied you EQUAL responsibility for raising our boys. You have the SAME ability that I do to make decisions about how to discipline them, about how they should spend their time, about what standards we set for them. I married you and chose to have children with you because I knew you are a kind, loving man and knew that you would be a kind, loving father.

The fact that you chose to demonstrate your love for our boys differently than I do does not make it WRONG or any less loving. Assuming that has been a terrible mistake on my part, one for which I am deeply sorry. There are many, many ways that you are a much better parent than I, and I have failed miserably in recognizing that truth.

I know that you love *** and ### as much as I do, and I have complete and total faith in you. I know--without a doubt--that you will do what is right for our boys.

Love always,
me

That's right off the top of my head...so have at it.

But here's the thing that occurred as I was writing...do you think this "invalidates" our verbal agreement that WH does not have the boys around RT??? I do believe she is EVIL and I do not want her around our boys, poisoning or infecting them...and clearly WH lacks the ability to see that right now. RT trumps everything, even the best interest of the boys.

Please don't tell me this is being judgemental, too!! Turning the boys over to her is something I simply cannot do. I just can't. She is EVIL. I can envision her PUSHING WH to bring them around her and her children..."They were always such good friends and had so much fun together...what harm can there be in innocent children playing together? LilSis is CRAZY and NEUROTIC for preventing you from doing that. Why do you let her make decisions for you? You deserve to be happy. The boys will be fine...better than fine because they get to play with my kids again."

I can JUST ABOUT HEAR IT. Please, please!! Help?!

You are absolutely right, LS. The goal here is to respect his GOOD parenting skills as a father, not to sacrifice your children to his filthy affair. You are SUPPOSED to judge right from wrong as a parent, and you don't sacrifice that on the alter of Plan A. Your instincts are CORRECT!