Okay, friends, I'm back. I didn't blow it. I did what I needed to to, was charming and fun and chatted about friends and family. I looked great, smelled great, and had a great attitude. WH didn't seem to be angry or resentful, just normal. What's up with that? I swear he treats me like I'm his sister or something.

Here's the run down (if you don't care for all the details you can skip to later):

He dropped off the DSs about a half hour before we needed to leave so that DS11 could change into appropriate Christmas program attire. At first WH told me (through the kitchen window...he wouldn't even come in) that he would just meet us there and for me to save him a seat. I objected, telling him that I had promised DS11 that we would go together. WH relented and said he'd come back when it was time to leave, so he left for something like 15 minutes (what was the point again??). When he came back, he actually entered the house. DS11 asked if he would come see the attic. I went up, too, of course. He said it was "cozy" and I asked him to sit down and check out the new TV. I hope he was feeling like he was missing out on something...we had planned to re-do that attic for years, but it was one of those things that got done bit by bit as we had the money. Finishing it would have been a big deal for us together...we always talked about a trip to Ikea to outfit it. It ended up being a big deal to me alone.

Before we walked out the door, I grabbed the container of his favorite cookies. So off we all went to the Christmas program...this is the first time we have all sat in a vehicle together since July 9. The boys and I carried on an animated conversation in the car. I sat next to WH in the auditorium, and while we waited (we were about a half hour early so DS11 could warm up) we chatted (and a couple of times whispered!) about Christmas presents and I told a couple of funny stories about the kids. He had brought along a boating magazine and I kind of looked over his shoulder at the pictures and we commented on various boats, etc., and I played a game with DS8. (WH barely acknowledged DS8, and I think even DS8 picked up on that). WH and I were, however, very friendly and cordial...no fireworks either way.

One of the songs performed was Ode to Joy, which coincidentally was the recessional at our wedding. I gave WH a nudge and and gave him a "remember this?" look, and he smiled...but not really, more a grimace, like, "oh, yeah." I kept leaning in close to get a better view of the stage. About halfway through the concert, right in the middle of a song, I leaned over and said, "I'm not wearing any panties." He said, "What, I didn't hear you?" so I whispered it again, and he got this big laughing smile and squished his eyes closed. So I ended up feeling like he kind of just laughed at me.

No matter...stick to the plan, LilSis. When the concert was over and time to leave, I dropped my program and had to bend down to pick it up as we filed out of the row. It's chilly doing that when wearing low cut jeans, I tell you, but I was hoping a glimpse of skin (my BACK, people!!) would impress WH, who was right behind me. It was very crowded and I managed to bump into WH a few times as we bunched up with all the other parents waiting for our accomplished musicians. Once DS11 found us and we appropriately showered him with adoring praise for his prowess on the clarinet, DS11 asked if WH would go out for hot chocolate with us. WH declined, claiming he was very tired and had a long day of training tomorrow (it was 8:30). DS11 begged a little longer, and I let that go on for a bit, then felt badly enough to jump in and tell DS11 that I'd make us some hot chocolate at home, which seemed to satisfy him.

When we pulled up in the driveway, we all piled out, and WH made a show of hugging each boy. Before he could hop back in, I went toward him--enough so he could see the hug coming--and he reached out and put his arm around me. I planted a kiss on his neck (I'm 5'1" and he's 6'3" so that's about where I could reach, especially while he's turning away trying to escape it). And I said, "Careful love you bye," which was our nightly ritual goodbye when he worked nights. He said thanks, and before I went in the house, I told him that it meant a lot to the boys that we went together and thanked him for that, then said bye with a big smile and wave. (I could have done better here for sure)

I can Monday morning quarterback this until the cows come home, but it won't change anything and I'm not going to waste anymore emotional energy on it right now. I did what I needed to do, and I got a clean house in the process. My boys were delighted that we did that together and they got to see their mom and dad getting along instead of fighting. I still feel so bad for DS8...WH really kind of ignores him. DS8 is in a group for "families in change" (how's that for a euphemism) at school, and the other day he had to draw a picture for each parent and put each one in an envelope. My envelope said, "To Mom from DS8." WH's said, "To Dad from DS8, you'r son." (punctuation his) There was a little star over the word son.

So I'm worrying about DS8, but also trying to interpret WH's actions and behavior tonight. Again, I feel like he's just Mr. Friendly...that there's no real emotion there. Is it possible that he's just completely committed to this new path in life, no question about it, and that I'm just some desperate STBX?

I know AmIok warned me about not expecting anything, and I told myself that all day. I didn't expect him to come panting after me (not that I would have been disappointed with that, and I wouldn't be honest if I didn't say a teeny part of me hoped). But somehow, the fact that there is no emotional extreme from him leads me to assume that he's perfectly comfortable with his decision to leave us; leave me. That it is a decision he has made, no longer struggles with, and is content with.

I know what mimi says about assumptions, but sometimes they are right, aren't they? I'd feel less "down" if he acted pissy or angry...then I'd know I actually affected him. I feel like I don't affect him at all.

Any thoughts, comments, feedback? And thanks, everyone, for your support today getting me in the right frame of mind. Time will tell...but I do think I could do it again. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be, and now that I've done it once, I can only improve. The difficulty will be having the opportunity to do so...

LG:

Why are you also not recommending strict adherence to MBers? I'm surprised at you, too. Didn't you go to the MB Weekend. Doesn't this run contrary to what the Harleys recommend for folks to do?

I now recommend simply that you send him another letter. Three paragraphs.

Asking him to come home. To live again as a family. His IL's will be there soon, RT want's him to make a choice. Make it easy for him. No deadlines. Just stating:

Para 1: I love you and why
Para 2: We can work on this Marriage together when you are here.
Para 3: I can never show you all of the changed LS in the times we do get to see each other. Please come home.

I asked specifically this morning about what I have done (besides my meltdown) that was contrary to Plan A as outlined by SAA. The answer (from shelly) was that I had been getting to heavy on the R-talk and drama. Okay, I get that and totally agreed with her.

I also stated specifically this morning that I was all about going back to a great Plan A: no LBs and meeting ENs....to the very best of my ability.

All this talk about meeting people's ENs and not LBing...I guess it doesn't apply to our fellow posters, does it?

If that's not part of the MB "Plan" then maybe this isn't the place for me.

I will keep praying for you Lilsis no matter you decision to stay or go.

and all our pregnancies will differ in some ways