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Joined: Oct 2000
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I had a HUGE panic attack this week because he is traveling and I had convinced myself that he is having a revenge A.

I am curious

what specifically did you do to manage your panic?


Quote
So here we are. I am not sure we are in "recovery" or what...


yes
this is recovery
also a rollercoaster
did we neglect to tell you that?
*snicker*

actually, you are doing SUPER

this recovery rollercoaster goes up and down

fasten your seatbelt and HANG ON

Pep

Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 150
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from prayer to assuming the worse and trying to accept! It didn't help that I was PMSing too!! LOL!!

I guess this is where my "WS" status comes into play because no matter how strong my urge was to comfront him, acusse him and just totally blow my top off, I couldn't do it. I felt like I had NO RIGHT to demand any explanations, or that my expectations for him to be faithful didn't mean squat! Luckily, when we did talk he was able to reassure me without realizing that that's just what I needed.

During angry outbursts he had said a few times "I won't feel good about this unless I get the chance to f'ck a 25 yr old like you did" so those words kept going through my mind.... it was ugly. I cried a few days in a row while he was at work and of course I Would try to compose myself at night so he wouldn't notice. I think a lot has to do with the fact that now *I* am the one feeling insecure... I remember his tears to me last year so I Assume this is how he felt then (yes I know, how DARE I compare any of my pain to his?).... :-(

Anyway, I am SO grateful that he reassured me. I think if I had DEMANDED explanations or reassurance, things would have gone ugly but done in a "loving" way it all just came out natural.

B


WW (me) 36 BH 37 Married 16 yrs 3 children, 12DD, 4DD, 7 mths DD (OC) D-day 8/05 2nd D-day 10/05 *OC* 3rd D-day 6/08/06 DD *OC* born ~~ If I had known then what I know now ~~
Joined: Aug 1999
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Hi McB,

Good to see you hear. It seems as if progress is continuing. It seems to me you have some OPPORTUNITIES here, that perhaps you have not appreciated.

You said
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He told me just yesterday how he's kept ALL The emails he has from OM and I. He said he cannot bring himself to delete them yet. He said he doesn't know why he still has them but he feels he needs to keep them for now.

Well, I suspect you do know why he is holding on to them...PROTECTION. My thinking is you just give him a hug, and say "I am sure when you are ready you will get rid of them. Take your time." Then give him a kiss. You know why you should say this??? Because it is true. In his own time he will find those emails are not of use to him.

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He also said he is afraid that he will never be able to meet all my needs and that is his biggest fear and what keeps him from moving forward. I once again just listened to him and didn't really say much. I want to tell him that meeting my emotional needs is alot easier than he thinks, I finally KNOW that it wasn't that he wasn't meeting my needs as much as the fact that I wasn't LETTING HIM meet my needs. IT was easy for me to dismiss any sign from him before, to dismiss any attempt from him. I allowed resentment to get between us and so any and all attempts from him were useless.

Didn't we tell you that it would be HIS insecurities that would be the hardest to overcome. Would it seem a good time to explain to him that YOU have learned a few things about yourself and about him??? It seems to me it would. One thing you have learned is that if you two will communicate more about your fears, your insecurities, and yes needs, there will be much less chance of misunderstanding one another. You could reveal to him your own thinking, but ultimately, whether you closed down communications or he did not communicate, the issue is more of one of perspective than his inability. This WHOLE thing has changed your perspective on yourself, marriage, and certainly him, hasn't it?? Tell him how you see things now. Tell him what you like, respect, and love about him NOW. He should not have needed to be tested in this way, but his response has in fact really opened your eyes. Has it not???

Yes, do show him what you have learned but you still need to tell him of your changing perspective.

Finally, you said
Quote
I guess this is where my "WS" status comes into play because no matter how strong my urge was to comfront him, acusse him and just totally blow my top off, I couldn't do it. I felt like I had NO RIGHT to demand any explanations, or that my expectations for him to be faithful didn't mean squat!

Ah Young Grasshopper you are learning. The reality is that whether you are a WS or not, DEMANDING things is NOT a very good approach. You are NOT a second class citizen in this marriage, WS or not. In fact, what your H needs is for YOU to be a first class citizen. But, he does not need demands based on fear, speculation, or expectations. These things are in fact love busters and they come under the heading of Disrespectful Judgements, DJ's. They are very deadly. What he needs to hear are your concerns, your fears, and your love. Does this make sense to you?

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Luckily, when we did talk he was able to reassure me without realizing that that's just what I needed.[/qoute]

Oh, I think he knows more than you realize. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Remember he needed and still does need reassurances from you doesn't he? A good marriage is filled with reassurances, that is part of the communications you both need from one another. In fact, as you discuss your needs, it seems to me that you needed reassurances from him now and then. Now you need them from one another. Discuss how he can meet your needs in terms of reassurances and your willingness to reassure him anytime, anyway he needs it.

[quote]During angry outbursts he had said a few times "I won't feel good about this unless I get the chance to f'ck a 25 yr old like you did" so those words kept going through my mind.... it was ugly. I cried a few days in a row while he was at work and of course I Would try to compose myself at night so he wouldn't notice. I think a lot has to do with the fact that now *I* am the one feeling insecure... I remember his tears to me last year so I Assume this is how he felt then (yes I know, how DARE I compare any of my pain to his?).... :-(

Actually, you do have an idea how he felt don't you? Not completely because a W becoming pregnant by another man is probably most men's worst nightmare. Yet...what has he done? He has struggled, he has feared, but he is there with you. He is one very strong man. I cannot honestly say I would have his strength, but I would be proud if I did.

My point... the word reassurance keeps coming up doesn't?? Don't you think you both need it?

Quote
Anyway, I am SO grateful that he reassured me. I think if I had DEMANDED explanations or reassurance, things would have gone ugly but done in a "loving" way it all just came out natural.

Yup, you are right, and within this is a lesson of how your marriage should be from now on. Tell him you have learned this, and how you have learned it. You BOTH need reassurances and that is very normal.

You are doing well McB and it seems that your H is coming along as well. Give it time and have a lot of patience with yourself and your H.

God Bless,

JL

Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 7,464
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Really pleased to see you back again Becca.


Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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