Thank you for answering my questions, Becca.
Because he's told me this.
He told you that when you two have SF that he doesn't feel anything in his heart for you?
We had a conversation about the time we were separated the first time, he was dating someone and he had to break up with her so we can get back together. He never told me this before but he told me that it was HARD for him to do that (break up with her) and that they even cried together when he broke it off with her. I told him "wow, you must have been in love with her" and he said he doesn't remember. So I said "you never even cried during the birth of your children or for me" his answer was "I don't remember"..... this conversation made me realize of course he is the way he is towards me, we were so freaking young when we got married, we were in HEAT not in love! His heart has never been in this marriage. I do not even KNOW his heart.
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I thought I read where you said your BS cried and cried when you were in your A....
How can you say he NEVER cried over you? Or that his heart was NEVER in your marriage?
How could you possibly KNOW this, Becca?
Have you ever been able to climb into his mind? His heart?
Yes, I DO believe God can make something beautiful out of all this crap I created, but he doesn't.
But, Becca, if YOU believe God can restore your M, why do you get upset what your BH believes?
God can restore your M through YOU...
If God restores your marriage, what difference does it make what your BH believed about it?
Because his version of "staying for the kids" is unhealthy. He wants to do nothing about the issues (related to the A not even about the M) and how can that be healthy? if resentment, anger and frustration is not dealt with, is that going to become LOVE at some point???
I don't think it's unhealthy to stay in the M b/c of the kids.
Becca, why don't you first deal w/ YOUR feelings of anger, resentment, and frustration?
Tear down those walls...and you will see things differently.
Do your half, Becca...
He said he is doing this just to keep OM away
I thought you said he was doing it for the kids?
Again, his reasons don't matter...he is choosing to stay...why not choose to believe that he does love you? Wants you?
All I can do is assume and wonder.... he won't share his TRUE feelings or heart.... he told me he has NO feelings..... I find that hard to believe!
You can accept that you just don't know. Rather than assume things. Assuming is disrespectful.
He may just feel numb, b/c he's been hurt so badly.
Give him time.
Don't keep asking him about his feelings..share yours w/ him.
It matters to me because this is how his family handles issues "sweep" them under the rug and they will disappear.... he is GREAT at that but his anger comes out in other ways.....
Forget about his family.
Focus on his actions....when he crosses your boundaries call him on it. Otherwise, don't assume your marriage will end up like his parent's marriage.
You are 100% responsible for your half of the M...
He is closed off to anything I do or say....
Is this REALLY true?
Is ANYTHING the word you want to use here?
You said you two are still loving. When you take his hand he holds yours back.
When you initiate things he WILL participate and ENJOY it.
my actions to him are not sincere or truthful.... he has hard time trusting people and now I have given him a reason.
Becca, if you are acting in truth and sincerity, why isn't THAT enough for you?
Why can't you just give him TIME to believe in you again?
It sounds as though you keep pushing him...pushing him to hurry up and deal w/ his pain in the way YOU think is most helpful to him.
He had no respect for my opinion BEFORE the A.... now I am might as well be painted on the wall....
Do YOU respect HIS opinions? B/c I'm not seeing it from your posts here.
Change what you are ABLE to change.
Respect his choice to hold his feelings inside himself. Quit trying to force him to do something he does NOT want to do.
Yes, he told me he is doing this out of his sense of responsibility.... not because he wants to.
I do alot of things out of a sense of responsibility....b/c I WANT to be responsible. It makes me feel good. It makes me happy.
Now, even IF (and that's a big if) his ONLY joy in your marriage is his fullfillment in meeting his responsibilties, it doesn't mean he can't find other joys in the future. He found them in the past.
No he didn't force me, and I thought I was doing the right thing.... I thought it was my job to do those things....
That's right, YOU chose to do them.
I guess I expected appreciation
That's right. You expected something in return for doing what you did.
When those expectations didn't get met, you turned them into RESENTMENTS. I know how this works, b/c I did the same thing.
How is THAT fair?
Did you ask your BH that if you do X, then would he do Y?
Anything short of that is disrespectful.
I see now that God does not want a passive husband and that it is HIS responsibility to do those things as well.
God wants us to BE HOLY as He is holy.
How's THAT coming along for you?
None of us are perfect. You are not the PERFECT wife that God intends for you to be either.
You are in your BH's stuff, Becca.
You don't belong there.
Stay w/ YOUR stuff.
Because he isn't managing the pain in any way...
Is he huddled in a corner eating his own hair?
I don't know.... he won't share, when I bring it up, all I get from him is "I don't know...."
You don't have to know.
You don't have to understand his choices.
HE doesn't have to be able to articulate what he's feeling.
Accept his choices. Obviously you would make DIFFERENT choices if you were him, but Becca, you AREN'T him.
He is very hard to love. I don't feel a connection to him, there is no intimacy, I really do not know who he is..... he is a stranger to me.
It is IMPOSSIBLE to love someone when you are JUDGING them.
Accept him and his choices and you will feel differently towards him.
I promise you will.
Knock down those walls of judgment you put up, and you will be able to connect w/ him again.
Because again, if we ignore this, it is NOT going to make it go away.... he wishes that was the case.
Becca, how do you KNOW this?
His mind is still funtioning. He's still thinking...he's still processing things. It's impossible for him not to be.
He doesn't want to share his feelings.
Respect his choice.
Share yours w/ him.
Own your feelings, though.
No of course not, but to him knowledge is power and if he were to share himself with me, he would be giving me power.....
Ok, good to know.
He doesn't feel safe w/ you yet.
Inside and out.
Be those things to yourself and to him.
Yes, there are many reasons why.... and as hard as it may sound, one of them was just to know if he even care. Another reason was that my heart was empty and instead of seeking God to fill it, I seeked another man. I was lonely, depressed and needed to feel loved. All selfish reasons, but those are my reasons.
Now see Becca, that paragraph is rich w/ things to delve into and understand.
and as hard as it may sound, one of them was just to know if he even care.
You had the A b/c you wanted to find out if your WH cared?
Another reason was that my heart was empty and instead of seeking God to fill it, , I seeked another man.
So, if your heart was filled w/ God, you wouldn't need your BH to fill it?
If that is true true, then why aren't you seeking for God instead of trying to change your BH's actions?
I'd be willing to bet your choice to have the A is very similar to my choice and other WS choices...
You had expectations that were not met. And over time you turned them into resentments. And then began to feel entitled to have your expecations fullfilled, and there by gave yourself permission to go outside your marriage.
Want to change your marriage for the better?
Stop judging yourself and your BH.
Learn to accept yourself and your BH.
Understand where resentments come from. And learn how to stop them dead in their tracts.
Live in the PRESENT.
Enjoy right now.
Make choices that will build up your M, not tear it down.
Accept your limitations.
Own your stuff.
I was lonely, depressed and needed to feel loved. All selfish reasons, but those are my reasons.
It isn't selfish to want to feel loved. Feelings aren't bad or good.
You felt lonely and depressed. You wanted someone to make you feel better...make you feel loved.
I understand that need.
Becca, there is a way you can learn to meet your own needs. You don't have to go through another person to do it. When your BH "failed" to make you feel loved, you looked for someone else to do it.
Now that you turned from OM you are right back where you were before...looking to your BH to make you feel better about yourself.
And I'm telling you that you need to learn how to make yourself feel better w/in yourself.
I do understand the whys now.... which is why our situation right now makes me wonder what on earth I am doing here.
Only you can decide why you are in your M.
You say you want a Godly marriage.
Well, you can start being 1/2 of that equation.
Be who God wants you to be.
Don't focus on the work He's doing in your BH's life.
Yes. that is absoutely correct. He thinks if he goes to counseling or read the books, he is going to be blamed for some things and he doesn't want that.
Then HEAR him.
Respect his choices.
No, I will get out of here before I allow that to happen. I've learned that without the connection, closseness and intimacy with him, I might as well leave because that is not the kind of marriage that can succeed.
Becca, You don't only have two choices here. Either stack up resentments or get out of your marriage.
You DO have other choices.
You can learn to stop building resentments against your BH.
When you learn how to do that you can make the connections and have the intimacy w/ him that you crave.
I am extremly frustrated, emotionally exhausted, and thirsty for companionship.
I know you are. ((((Becca)))
Frustration comes from not fullfilling your own expectations. Resenting yourself. Ouch! You are beating yourself up. It is no wonder that you are exhausted and thirsty to find a fix to your situation.
Start examining your beliefs about yourself.
I bet you have many negative beliefs about yourself.
Stop all DJs. To yourself and to others.
What you do to others you will do to yourself. And vice versa.
Don't call yourself selfish, stupid, mean, empty, ect...
Don't think or say any disrespectful judgments against your BH either.
If you will choose to respect yourself and others, your world will change.
His view of women is that we are not capable of much other than trouble. We are not efficient, or as intelligent as men are, we are not as driven or as capable as men are. His views are so distorted.
Good to know.
But, I was hoping you could talk to me about his ACTIONS that you find disrespectful, not his thoughts.
I don't judge thoughts, feelings, or intentions...only actions.
I don't want anyone trying to poke around inside my head, so I don't try to poke around in other people's heads.
I want to be respectful.
I am an obstacle to him. If I wasn't in his life, he would have so much more money and "toys"....
Is this something he said to you?
If so what did you reply to him?
I committed adultery, the only time when God allows for divorce. He is very well aware of that and he is willing to give m a D if I am the one to file.
And what Biblical grounds do YOU have for filing?
I don't know how else to change my thinking. Is it wrong for me to want him to heal so he can figure out if we can R or not?
It isn't respectful to want/demand he take YOUR path to recovery and healing.