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I feel that way too! I just found out that my H is taking his new "friend" to a game tonight ... something he has NEVER done with me. Actually, he was supposed to take me & DD to this game. DD said this morning "I hate when Daddy spends the night out. He cares more about his job and his friends than being at home with his wife and daughter." Nice. Obviously we haven't told her. We told her that Daddy is traveling a lot now - which isn't far off base.

We met for breakfast this morning. Really hard to be sweet when I know he's seeing his "friend" every day! I think he even spent the night with her last night, but I suppose I'll never know. I HATE THIS! I still haven't told him about the phone records or IM log that I have.

I just don't know what to do. What are appropriate boundaries while separated?

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jmwc95 -

You recommended to jks to call the OW and let her know that her H is still having SF with her ... would you recommend this for my situation as well??? He just left yesterday, but we have been having SF all along. I also found out that she is flaunting her "friendship" with my H around to our mutual friends. Most are being supportive of him, but one let me know what was going on. What do you suggest?

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i am so distraught right now ... i wish i could see my IC today

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I still haven't told him about the phone records or IM log that I have.

I just don't know what to do. What are appropriate boundaries while separated?


WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR??? Tell him.

Are you already separated? If so, you have no legal right to check on anything not in your name. If he has chosen to leave and be separated, you must respect his right to do so. Hopefully he will return to his family... but right now.. work on keeping you and your daughter mentally healthy.

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I didn't tell him because he chose to leave. We aren't legally separated, but he left the house. Everything is in my name, but I haven't checked up on him since he left yesterday. He chose to leave when I gave him the opportunity - obviously that is what he wanted. But now he says he's coming home on Sunday and spending the night and leaving on Monday. This is why I asked about boundaries ...

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I did confront him on another issue today. I found out from several people that he is broadcasting our situation all over town (he is very well-known here). I told him that several people had informed me of him announcing it in public and that I was really hurt that he chose to handle things that way. He didn't deny it, but got defensive (he does that when he knows he's wrong about something). He asked who? I told him that it didn't really matter WHO; when I hear it from multiple people (that aren't connected to one another) I can assume that this is the case. He wouldn't apologize, not that I expected him to. Things seem to be getting worse by the moment.

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Anyone have some help on setting the boundaries of this "separation"?

Do I expose his EA (possibly PA too)?

What should my next step be to try to save my M?

Last edited by time_for_change; 03/16/07 09:20 PM.
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Sorry you are having such a hard time. I have no idea what you can do, so not much help here.

I suppose that you can work the MB plan of exposure. That would include telling close friends, family, and anyone else that would have some influence on him.

I think you are going to have to be very strong here. You are going to have to be the one who establishes the boundaries. That is a little bit different than the usual around here.

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see, the problem with all of this is, he has the right to walk away due to your A. I do not think he is going about it in an honorable way, but you really are in a tough place right now. I think all you can do is set personal boundaries. I don't see you getting a whole lot of support by exposing...I think most will side with him. I am sorry this is so hard on you.

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First time posting to you. Not a pro by any means but finished reading the threads. Wow - what a mess this has become. I feel for your DD for her parent's foolishness.

Do you think exposing will look foolish now after you having an affair? If the targets know about your A - the impact will not be as strong. Might even be downplayed as a revenge affair that you deserved.

From what I read, the affair only ended after the OMW found out about it. You didnt end it on your accord. You want your H now b/c OM is not around perhaps? thats what I would be processing anyway.

I have no good advice and I am sorry. I read the pain but I try to imagine being in your H shoes and I might move on - who needs this chaoes and pain? There are just too many fish in the sea. H was thrown to the curb by the A so freedom and new GF may sound like a good alternative.

I think you have a good heart and trying to your best to repair the damage. I think I would make a call to the pros like Harleys. This situation is way too dynamic and treacherous to follow a standard script.


Me:52
W: 52
Married: 32 yrs
2 Sons (29 & 23)
1 Dtr (20)
1 GDtr (2.5) precious little girl
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Yeah - I am feeling like a lost cause right now. I realize that he has the choice to leave, which is why I gave him that option. With regard to separation and his A: do I treat things differently b/c I was WW before he became WH? (I agree that I won't get too much help with exposure.) I just can't enable him to have his cake and eat it too anymore ... he wouldn't have allowed that with me.

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set your personal boundries regarding cake eating. I see mothing else you can do but control your own actions.

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Today is our anniversary ... not a good day. Checked the bank account this morning - He's been taking money out left and right, so I think I should transfer what's mine into a separate account so I can pay our bills without worrying about anything. Not sure, maybe I am too emotional today?

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I don't have anything to add, but I wanted to send you some emotional support on this difficult day.

((((((((((TFC)))))))))

Stay focused on you and your DD today. I really hope that you and your WH? can pull through this and find happiness again someday.


"You cannot dream yourself into a character; you must hammer and forge yourself one." Thoreau
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Today is our anniversary ... not a good day. Checked the bank account this morning - He's been taking money out left and right, so I think I should transfer what's mine into a separate account so I can pay our bills without worrying about anything. Not sure, maybe I am too emotional today?

HERE [color:"red"] <~~~ LINK [/color]

Part of Plan A is a stick

PLEASE read under the "stick" about taking necessary financial precautions DURING plan A

emotional decisions will not serve you well

which is WHY we recommend following a PLAN ... not your emotional rollercoaster

if you do NOT develop and follow a PLAN ... there is not much anyone here can do for you other than to send cyber ((( hugs))) as your marriage circles the drain

Pep

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I would definitely get the money. I didn't and my ex blew it ALL, and had nothing to show for it.

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LostBoy - thanks for the support, I def need it today.

Pep - you are always tough, but right ... I just haven't figured out which Plan I need to initiate. (After reading that, I think I will stick in Plan A for a bit.)

Believer - this was my thought too, especially since he is already blowing it (and prob on this OW).

So, he called and told me that he had talked to his mom and agreed for us to have dinner with his parents tomorrow to "celebrate our anniversary" and asked that I pretend that everything is ok (they don't know yet). I'm unsure about doing this, but I guess there is no harm in it? He is coming over tomorrow to spend time with DD, I asked if he was leaving after dinner. He said he hadn't really thought about it, but could he at least stay until she goes to bed. I told him that would be fine. He then mentioned staying here ... I think he needs to decide if we are separated or not. If so, he needs to leave tomorrow. If not, he can stay but must commit to working on the M. Am I on target here or am I being too harsh since I am FWW???

Last edited by time_for_change; 03/17/07 11:47 AM.
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Boundaries for tomorrow ... I need to know if this is acceptable:

1. If I have to fake it, you have to fake it - this means you will need wear your wedding ring at dinner. Otherwise you can go to dinner on your own and tell your parents.
2. Your time here with DD will be spent doing things with her, not relaxing. If you didn't get enough sleep, that is your problem.
3. You will not answer your phone or respond to text messages or emails while here. Go ahead and tell OW that you will be with your daughter tomorrow and not to interrupt that time. (Keep in mind - this would be his 1st awareness that I know about OW.)
4. After DD goes to bed we will need re-discuss our separation - we need to have specific terms if this is what you want.
5. If you are still set on separation, then you will need to take your things with you when you leave. I will tell DD in the morning that you had to get to work early and you can still pick her up after school.

If and ONLY if you agree to these terms, you may come over at 12:00 PM tomorrow. There is no negotiating these boundaries and no further discussion regarding them will take place.

Sound ok? Too harsh?

Last edited by time_for_change; 03/17/07 01:00 PM.
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much too harsh.

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Ok - needs more kindness and love. Are the boundaries appropriate or unrealistic?

Last edited by time_for_change; 03/17/07 01:02 PM.
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