LITW,

I have not read all your posts since you came here, but I do remember this one. You stated the blasé nature of your affair yourself, in your very first post (paragraphs added):

“My husband and I have been married for 7 years. I have not been happy for probably 6 of those 7 but because of my beliefs decided that I would stick it out. I do believe that God is the God of miracles and that at any second one could happen.

About a year ago I had a ONS with a stranger. I did this because I wanted to give my husband a reason to leave. He chose to stay.

Prior to that happening we tried counseling and I have been in counseling for years on my own. After the ONS we went back to counseling and read through His needs her needs. It is an amazing book and we both got a lot of information from it.

Here I am a year later and still my heart is not in it. I love my husband, but just not in the way a wife should. I have been praying that God will change my heart but it just doesn’t seem to change. I kills me because I know I am hurting my husband in the process.

This morning he told me that I really don’t love him, because if I did I would want to have kids with him. I don’t want kids right now and don’t know if I ever will..... He knew that coming in.....

I am just getting to my end and don’t know what to do! Please help me!”

You had a typical exit affair.

Exit affairs are all exactly alike. Carter classifies them as Type I non-romantic affairs.


This post of yours can be analyzed further. There is quite a lot of information in it, actually. But it would be best if you did this analysis yourself.

Want to start here?

“I have not been happy for probably 6 of those 7 but because of my beliefs decided that I would stick it out. I do believe that God is the God of miracles and that at any second one could happen.”

What, precisely, were you not happy about? Can you put your finger on it?

How does choosing an affair fit in your spiritual belief system?


With prayers,

An exit affair... that makes sense.... still doesnt make it right though..... as far as how does an affair fit into my spiritual beliefs.... it doesn't! Adultery is wrong and is a sin. I know that what i did was wrong... but maybe i was looking at it as a way to exit with reason. i mean that as far as besides the unhappiness on my part i have no reasons to leave..... i was being stupid... stupid stupid stupid.... i cracked the door for satan to crawl in a little to wide.... i dont have anything to say except that i was very very very stupid.

as far as what precisely i am unhappy about.... that one is a bit tough... i guess part of it has to do with the feeling of being cheated.... when you are dating you are on your best behavior you know... well part of my H behavior was we were very active in the outdoors and doing RA all the time. RA is my number 1 EN. After marriage it changed to just tv, movies, computers, and playstation/nintendo/whatever other name games. slowly my Love bank balance became less and less.... shortly there after he even lost interest in me (S**).... sure i would initiate every once in awhile, but it is hard when only one party is doing that... dont get me wrong I am the farthest from being stuck up, but i am not fat, ugly, or bad looking.... so what is wrong with me?!?! That is the question i have been trying to answer for 6 years now.... i can honestly look back to when we were dating and say that I was the only was initiating anything then too (Even on our HONEYMOON!!!!).... so I think that essentially those to things have caused my love bank to go bankrupt. The thing is we are great friends and enjoy each others company but a lot of my friends have even asked me on different occasions if my husband is gay!!! Well that just makes me feel great......
I probably said way to much and blabed on too long... so i hope that helps answer the questions......

LITW,

Hi there. Sorry I never got back to you today. I'm still paying for having to take a couple weeks off. I'm still at work now, an hour and a half after everyone else has left.

I see Aphelion has joined the thread. At least I know that you're in good hands while I'm off getting well.

I'm going to think about what I might say next and haven't had any time at all today to think about much of anything. So, I might stop by in the morning before I head to the hospital, but it all depends on how things go with getting ready. whether tomorrow or in a week or so, I will be back and I do hope that others will jump in while I'm gone.

Blessings.

Mark

LITW,

Thank you for your response to the Romance thread. I hope you rediscover joy in your life soon.

Ace

LITW,

There is so much I would like to say, but rather than a two page post that I will not see the response to for a week, I'm going to just leave it alone this morning. Suffice it to say that I wish there was something I could say that could make your M what God intended it to be, but alas, I have no magic words and I think at this point it would be best to take one step at a time rather than throwing a bunch of stuff out there and hoping the shotgun blast hits something.

Do not quit posting on Evo's or anyone else's thread. You DO have some insight that can help people see things from a different perspective. Just be sure you are learning as well as teaching and before contradicting the advice of those who have recovered their M, check to make sure that your opinion lines up with Dr H's. If somebody with eleven thousand posts jumps in, he/she has likely been here a while. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I need to go get ready to head for the hospital. You can pray for me, if you would and know that I will also be praying for you.

Aphelion, Ace, anyone else that can help out. I leave LITW in your care in my absence. Take good care of her. (Probably a better job than I have been doing.) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" />

Thanks!

I'll be back! . . . <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Mark

Mark,
Thank you... and yes you will be in my prayers as will your family.

I will look forward to hearing from you on your return.... I think i can actually say i am going to miss your council...
heal with God speed.... LITW

LITW,

Keep up with LA on your other thread.

She's good.

Even when I don't understand her.

with prayers,

Thanks Aphelion... i havent heard from her for a few days... so hopefully she is okay... i really an trying to learn as much as I can

LITW,

Hi there!

I got home last night. It might take me a day or two to catch up on the latest, but how are you doing?

I'm posting results of my surgery elsewhere.


Mark

Hi Mark!!!
Glad to hear you are home and will search for your results post!

LITW

Hi LITW,

Check out the "WS: I SAID I'M SORRY, why can't you just get over it?" thread for Mark's update (post #3199946).

Ace

Thanks AIB!!!!

LITW,

I just had a question I wanted to throw out there.

Have you considered that you might be depressed?

I ask because I was diagnosed with depression about ten years ago, although I know now that I've had it as long as I can remember.

I have had (and still do sometimes) some feelings similar to yours.

I spent a lot of my life being unhappy (hiding it well a lot of times though). A lot, okay most, of the time I would blame my M for it. And yes, we did have a lot of problems (I had left three times during our M, all of those times there was no A at all).

I'm no where near "fixed" but I have realized that I was expecting DH to make me happy...say all the right things, do all the right things...and went he didn't (go figure, he's human and not a mind reader) I would be more unhappy. I am learning that happiness is something I have to find within myself, very hard to do, still haven't got that one all down, but I know it to be true.

My faulty (fantasy related) reasoning was...if he's not making me happy, he must not be the "one." If he was the "one", I would be happy. Part of it had to do with things in our relationship which we could improve (like communication) but a lot of it had to do with JUST ME...

Sometimes I find myself blah, not happy and I can't even point to a why. It just is. At least now I have learned to differentiate marriage happiness vs. "me" happiness.

Does any of this resonate with you at all?

Mom

I've noticed several people mentioning this and it happens to me too, have you tried this?

When I get the dreaded "your form is no longer valid" or some such notice, I hit the BACK arrow on my IE window and it goes back to the screen where my response was.

I highlight my response and right click and select COPY.

Then I have to refresh the page and start over again, but this time I just PASTE the reply I had copied and then hit continue...at least I haven't lost everything I was gonna say.

Not that anybody would be missing anything of course... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Does that work for anyone?

Mom2AZ,
Thank you for your post..... as for the copy paste thing... do it all the time.... no way would i even want to attempt to re-write the post again...

as far as the depression goes..... you did pin point one of my really big issues.... it is one of the lovely things i inherited!!!

"Sometimes I find myself blah, not happy and I can't even point to a why. It just is."
This statement is so me... not even funny.....

I have/am taking medication for it and it does keep it under control..... my H actually had a really hard time with this because he does not believe that i need medication.... we have had numerous conversation about it.... and he tries to be very understanding.....

i do try to stop myself from looking at humans as my savior since they cant be, but i think sometimes as a women.... that little fantasy world sometimes tries to escape.....

LITW,

One of the things that my W and I have struggled with for a long time is that she always seems to have the same attitude toward happiness that you tend toward. You rightly call it a fantasy and that is all it can be.

Your husband can no more "make" you happy than he can make you 6 feet tall. On top of that, making you happy isn't part of the job description of "husband." He signed on to love, honor and cherish. Those are the things he needs to do.

Also be careful not to confuse cause and effect. Just because he isn't making you happy does not mean that he is the cause of your unhappiness.

Just so you know, I do see that you have learned that to be the case, but you need to remember it when you feel unhappy. Try to find a way to run to your H for comfort when unhappy instead of avoiding him. He can't read your mind and never will be able to do so. He only knows if you are hurting when you tell him, but try to do it without making it seem as if you blame him for your pain. I'm only guessing that is what happens, but since it is what my W does, I'm going on personal experience.

Good to see others joining in on this and your personal thread as well. I'd hate to think that it was just me...

Well, gotta go. Time for dressing change...Oh joy!

Mark

Right. Intellectually I get it.

So, sometimes I'm still unhappy, but now I know it's not DH's fault.

So what do I do with the *unhappiness* now?

How do I turn that frown, upside down?!

Ok, that was really, really bad...

Mom,

Maybe I'm cynical, but do you need to be "happy?" Isn't it OK to be sad or even bummed out about life and just chalk it up to "life sucks sometimes" rather than having to find something to make us happy?

That is how addicts are made. An addict searches for a better feeling than what they have by looking outside themselves for that feeling or at least for a source of that feeling. By giving the power to give us a good feeling about ourselves to someone or something outside ourselves, we relinquish our responsibility for our own feelings and that leads to doing the same for our actions.

The U.S. Constitution guarantees a right to the pursuit of happiness, not happiness itself.

When ever we feel sad, depressed, angry or just indifferent toward life, the solution needs to be inside of us. If we have to go outside ourselves, then we are also blaming something or someone outside of us for the way we currently feel, since if it is not my responsibility to be happy, it also can't be my fault if I'm not happy.

When Paul says "Be joyful always;" in 1 Thes 5:16, his meaning isn't to be ecstatic and feel like the world is your oyster. He means that no matter what life deals us, we are to place our hope in Him who died for us and what He has promised us for the future. (Jer 29:11) The idea that all things work together for the good of those that trust Him, does not mean that we will always be happy, that nothing bad will ever happen or that we will feel like all is well at all times in our life. What it does mean is that there is a God and we're not Him. He ultimately knows what is right, we only have the way we feel to go by.

There have been times, within recent months and weeks that I have considered if my lot wouldn't be better if I was no longer married to my W. The past year could have been spent fishing and enjoying life rather than fighting to save my marriage, studying infidelity, ENs, LBs and worrying about whether or not my negative attitude about anything at all will cause my W to decide to leave me for someone who makes her feel better about herself.

But I signed up "for better or for worse" and this has been the "worse." I guess that means that eventually I will get the "better." That is what keeps me going, not happiness. Happiness can't be sustained, commitment can. It is a choice, not a feeling.

Mark

I can't disagree with what you said...some of it probably is related to that whole "fantasy mindset." We are bombarded with messages that we should be happy and if we're not we need to change it/fix it, do something, so that we are happy.

I guess the next thing would be what each individual's perception of happiness is. It is clearly very different from person to person.

If I define it as being satisfied with my life, I would say yes I'm happy. But then again, I tend to be a perfectionist and I tend to always want to strive for better. Not in things, but in myself (before A, but esp. now). Maybe I need to slow down and just be for a bit.

DH varies from content to very happy.

I do think I stand in my own way sometimes. I think part of it is depression and the unclear thinking that comes along with that. It's almost not knowing what it's like to NOT be depressed, if that makes sense (I was depressed as young as I can remember).

I'm certainly waaaaay better at not succumbing to the down feelings when they swirl overhead.

Can I just blame it all on my agorophobic, emotionally distant mom and be done with it?

Eh, prolly not.

Mom

Mark, You are amazing!!! Can i admit that it actually is nice to hear that even you still struggle? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />
In Esther (and if you watched one night with the king which i think was pretty good)it says (not quoted) I am being prepared for a time such as this.....
I believe that everything happens for a reason and that God can turn it all for good... Mark you have been helping me greatly in a time when i have been so lost! I have had a place to come and talk to people who also believe and are fighting to get through!!! My church's slogan or motto is "Life Bites!!!... God knows and He cares!" We live in a fallen world right? Thank God that we have Him and can hope and believe in that!!! All your studying and what you have been through is not only helping you, but many others!