Mom2A&Z,
I dont remember if you have been following my posts with LA, but if you read her latest... She is amazing and covers some of those exact same issues with me.... It is our choice to believe our truth.....
LITW

Hmmm...somehow I've missed them. I'll go dig them up.

thanks,

Mom

LITW,

If you look at my registration date and see that I have been at this less than a year, you will realize that the fact that I still struggle is not so amazing. I'm still a newbie! There are people here that have been at this a whole lot longer than I have.

On average, it takes two full years to reach a point of feeling recovered from an A. Some take longer, some less. It is actually just before the 6 month mark that many think they are well into recovery, but the issues of dealing with the A on almost a daily basis take their toll and the 6 to 7 month mark can be absolute h377.

Am I recovered? Nope. Am I still trying to recover. Yep!

When I got here, I wanted to save the M I had. It took me only a short time to realize that the one I had was not worth saving and what I really wanted was to build a new one, one that was what it should have been all along. Part of that building process is learning to deal with various problems with the old one and doing something about those problems instead of hoping they would fix themselves. They never do!

Trouble in marriage can never be fixed the Microsoft way. If you leave it alone for 30 minutes, it gets worse, not better. Negotiating for resolution agreeable to both H & W is what takes a lot of work and time.

My recent health issues have taught me a lot about what it takes to heal. When this all began I had a small spot that appeared to be a pimple. It soon became a boil and did what all boils do. It hurt, it opened up and drained...read that, it bled! It seemed to get better, but actually had gotten worse. It wasn't until it started growing in size that I realized that it was not going to go away on its own.

I soon had something that a hundred years or so ago would have taken my life. My skin was melting away before my eyes. Every day it got worse and I sought help from experts. No immediate infection was identified and I was given the usual treatments. It was while following the guidelines of the experts that things got even worse. It was now obvious to everyone that something radical had to take place for me to heal and get over it all.

I had simple surgery (is surgery ever simple?) and the diseased tissue was cut away. The BAD STUFF was removed by force! What was left was this 4 by 6 inch hole in my skin. I literally had no skin there at all. The fascia of the muscle was visible. The pain was pretty much gone, but I was far from healed.

Eventually, the wound may have closed up by itself. The body is amazing in the way it can heal, but the bigger possibility was that another infection could get behind my skin and do even more damage. I might have had the dreaded necrotizing fasciitis. Also known as flesh-eating disease, it is actually several bacteria that behave in the same way once established. They travel along the fascia of the muscles (that white covering you see on a piece of meat). Since the infection is hidden under the skin, huge areas are involved before any symptoms are detected. Within days large areas of skin putrefy and fall off. Without the skin, the body is defenseless.

So I waited and accepted that I would need further surgery to "fix" the problem. While waiting, I had to rely totally on others for certain things. At work, I could no longer lift large or heavy objects because I would damage the blood vessels that were exposed. Normally any open blood vessels would be protected from infection by my skin, but I didn't have any.

Every day, I had to just lie on the bed and wait for my wife to change my dressings. Some days, the dressing changes hurt more than the surgery. Others, the change was a welcomed and refreshing procedure of cleansing and compassion. Either way, I could do nothing about it. It was totally out of my control!

And when I was told it was time for a skin graft, I was ready. What a healing method. They cut a piece out of my right thigh to fix the hole in my chest. I now have two places that hurt like h377! Some healing, huh? But I can already see the new skin growing on my chest and my leg feels better today than it did yesterday. My wife is changing my dressings again and I am allowing her to care for me.

More is healing than just the wound on my skin...But I didn't get here by avoiding the painful things that actually are causing the healing to begin.

Call it lessons in marriage building through medical procedures that hurt sometimes.

Mark

Wow, Mark......your analogies regarding emotional/physical healings are quite poignant. Thanks for sharing.

Ace

LITW,

Haven't heard from you in a while. How are you doing? Whazup?

Mark

Mark,
Thanks for the check in! Things are going pretty well over here... just taking it day by day and using all the good advice i have been getting.... somedays are still harder to handle than others but I know that with God all things are possible.

How are you doing?

LITW,

Check out the Recreation forum.....Mark finally took my "talk me into fishing" challenge and his posts are tremendously entertaining and educational.

Also, please email me sometime if you can.

**edit**

Thanks,
Ace

LITW,

It does take time to heal, doesn't it?

It is amazing to me the way the human body has been created to heal and repair itself. Even when we reach "full grown" our body is still able to grow new tissue to repair the damage of an injury.

And our soul, too can heal, given enough time. Just like I needed to simply trust my doctors to fix what was wrong with me, we can count on God to do what needs to be done to repair our soul. My two surgeries hurt, and the second even created a second wound that needed to heal, but without the pain of the first, I might have actually died. And without the second, I would have continued to have a place that was highly vulnerable to infection and likely would have been disabled by something else before healing took place completely.

Just like the doctors gave me some good pain medications to get me over the hump and well into healing, God can give us His comfort and His hope to get us through until our soul, spirit and body have all been healed. And just like I needed to go to someone who had more wisdom about healing my body, we need to rely on Him for the wisdom, including the wisdom He has given to other people for guidance in our healing.

Solomon speaks of everything under the sun being foolishness. The reason for this is that as long as we are aiming for anything solely on this Earth, and in our own way, we are aiming way too low. When we aim for the things of God, we find that our own ways are merely foolish.

Glad to see you are on the way... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Mark

Mark,
You have such a way of putting words together..... I want you to know how impressed I am! you mentioned in your fish forum how you did (not sure if you still do)5 minute mini sermons to the children and that just so blessed my heart because when i was young someone at my church did that too! It was such a neat thing and I still remember it years later!!! Solomon was so wise.... the foolishness that surrounds all of us can seem so overwhelming and sometimes even tries to engulf us.... but it is still foolishness... no matter how Satan tries to hide it or mask it the same still remains true.... We do have to keep our eyes on God and only God.... LA and I have talked in our thread of how humans will always dissapoint us, but God.... he never will... so it just make sense to want to focus on him.... but us as humans... turn just for a second.... and WHAM!!!! lost all over again.... Thankful with God's grace He lets us in once again......

LITW

LITW,

Don't be impressed by me, I have what I know to be a gift and I also know what it is for.

I haven't been doing a lot of teaching lately & didn't realize till recently how much I missed it. When I was still doing the kids sermons it was actually a standing joke, pointed out by the pastor almost every week, that I would deliver a message that was "for the children."

Some of my best object lessons came at times when something had just gone horribly wrong in some way. Teachers sometimes have days that would cause most people to run screaming from the room, never to return. Those with "the gift" can often turn those moments into the kind of "ah-ha" moments that kids remember for a lifetime. And when God decides to get involved, it seems almost like magic.

After 11 weeks without rain of any kind, I walked to the front of the church with an umbrella. I explained that since we were having a draught, I wanted to pray for God to send the rain. I also asked if anyone else had umbrellas with them. I pointed out that I didn't want to pray for anything that I didn't really believe would happen. If we ask God for something, we should simply believe that He is going to deliver it. Kids understand that kind of faith. We need a few years to forget that this is supposed to be how it works.

The basis for this message came from a book. It wasn't entirely my idea, but I felt somehow that it was what God wanted me to say that morning.

Before I left, I asked the kids to pray for something that they thought was important. One prayed for healing for a sick pet. One asked that their grandmother would be well again. One asked that their mom and dad wouldn't fight anymore, by which time, several dozen adults were crying visibly. At the end, I prayed that God would send His rain and give relief from all the heat.

That night it began to drizzle, then rained harder. It never did pour down rain, but rained gently for about 12 hours. By noon the next day we had received about 2 inches of rain and the temperature was only about 10 degrees less than the day before.

The weather man on TV said it was a freak set of conditions where the cooling of evaporation along the shoreline of Lake Michigan caused a localized cool front to develop and spread inland. The drop in temperature caused low level clouds to build and that led to both the rain and the fact that the thermometer didn't reach what was expected. At the lake itself, it never rained. You had to be about 25 miles inland for it to have any effect and by 60 miles away, nothing happened at all. We live about 45 miles from the lake-shore.

The next week, every single kid remembered what had happened and spoke of it. Many adults remembered it too. The tally for the day was one healed pet, Grandma came to church with the family for the first time in over a year and Mom and Dad sat together in a pew where the week before only Mom had been seated.

Three people carried umbrellas into church with them that day.

There are many "Kodak" moments in life, but also many "God Moments" when it becomes clear to all that He is working.
When we pray we should expect Him to act, but we also need to remember that He knows the perfect time and the perfect way to act.

Success doesn't rely on us doing it right, only on us relying on Him.

Mark

Mark,
I have people bumps on my goose bumps!!!!! I am just speechless.... just shows me once again how complete faith and reliance on God alone is the Only thing worth believing in!
May God continue to bless you as you are blessing others.
LITW

Mark... if i didnt know better that was a proud smile on tj's thread.... does that mean im doing good?!?

im sure it is probably a nice feeling to see when someone you have ministered to ministring to others and really full hearted trying to improve themselves....

just want to say thanks... your smile made my day!
LITW

LITW,

You caught that, huh?

I actually went back and read your early posts and compared the tone, for lack of a better term, to your recent ones...

You've come a long way, baby! (Sorry. I guess that dates me, doesn't it.)

Nothing like helping someone who was where we once were to help us work through our own issues!

Seriously; you are doing great, IMO.

Just remember that with wisdom comes responsibilty. We will once be held accountable for what we have been given and asked to explain what we have done with it. In this case, I might say "well done...."

Now, more to the point, how are YOU doing?

Mark

You know Mark... I have to just say thank you! I believe with all my heart that God brings specific people into our lives at certain times. My "dad" was not much of one and really had nothing to do with me or my siblings while he was around.... which then he had an affair and left us.... but God has always provided someone to sort of step into a fatherly role and give me the advice, words, and encouragment to get me through specific difficult battles. Through this small part of my great journey you have been that encouraging father figure... the one that is firm but talking out of love and concern.... giving examples and explanations where needed.... I cherish this very much!
I know that i still have a long way to go but between you, LA, and Ace.... i think i am at the top of this small mountain looking down in triumph at this small battle i have won. Sure i still have days that suck... and sure there are days that i think what am i doing, but all in all When God is for us... who can be against us ?!?

this past week has been a bit of a downer week for me, but as things go on around me and I read different situations on here... i realize how little my issues really are... i am still working on being thankful for everything even the trials and tribulations and i just keep my focus on that I am not alone... I just hope that I will be able to help someone as much as you have helped me..... not that i want you to go away <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

also... have enjoyed your fishing saga... since i didnt know a darn thing about fishing prior to the start of it... and how are you healing up?

LITW

Hi LITW,

Your mentioning my name as one who helped you made my night.....I need so much help myself it's a wonder I have anything valuable to share with others.

I am changing that 'poor self-image' attitude slowly but surely. I appreciate both of you and all of the MB community members who care so much.

Ace

PS Mark, I'm patiently waiting for the suggestions you alluded to regarding dumping triggers related to cell phone voice mail. This triggers my recollections of my H and OW having phone sex while he let my calls go into VM.

Ace, you are too humble! Sometimes those that need help can help others through the pains they have experianced themselves.....

Mark.... Did i scare you away? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

LITW

True, as long as one remembers MB methods are NOT a religion, NOT infallible, and NOT strictly applicable to every case.

LITW,

I'm still around and have been trying to find time for MB all day...But I'm back to work...the operative word here being WORK... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I'll be back later...Really...(I think) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Mark

Ace,

I'm working on it and hope to have something up by this weekend. Since I no longer have long hours sitting at home alone to contemplate the nuances of what I want to say, I am in a sort of "wing it" mode right now and that isn't the way to say anything of value.

LITW,

I am flattered that you feel that I have helped you in some way. I would hope that my biggest contribution would be to cause you to think through things and see how they compare to what Dr Harley has said in his writings what you are experiencing and saying.

God does indeed work miracles in our life by bringing specific people along that can shed some light onto our situation in order to help us to see more clearly what we need to change in ourselves. So often, I believe that He allows us to undergo some traumatic event in an effort to teach us something about us, the world at large and Himself. At the time we are learning this lesson it seems that everything is going against us and that He is against us too, but, as He says in Jer 29:11, He already knows the plans He has for us, and they are to give us a hope and a future.

If my W had not begun an A with OM, I would not be here at all. I never would have learned about HN/HN, the LB$ or anything else on this site. I would not have learned about exposure or Plan A/Plan B or POJA...I have many more tools now to assist me in my marriage than I had before.

I also would not have experienced the most painful and helpless feeling time of my life. I would not have spent 3 weeks sleeping only an hour or two per night and would not have dropped 18 pounds by forgetting to eat.

But I also would not have grown as close to our relatively new pastor, who introduced me to Dr Harley's methods and who used those methods when his own W had an EA years ago. I would not have grown as close to a now dear friend who gave me encouragement and advice in the first few days and would call me in the middle of the night just to ask if I was OK and tell me to reread Psalm 102 (strong emphasis on verse 12 after the agony of 1 thru 11). I would not have been able to help my SIL in her grieving process when she found her H of exactly 30 days dead on the floor of their home after work one morning.

And most importantly to me, I would not have even known how to accept the care and tenderness that my W showed to me during the early and middle stages of my healing from my bacterial infection that even 20 years ago might have killed me. I learned to relax by being sick and had the great privilege of letting her care for me daily for about 8 weeks. God used her A and my illness to heal much more than a hole in my side...

And now I find myself wanting to share what I have learned. I've always believed in the method of teaching that says that to really learn anything you must "watch once, do once and teach once." In the ten months I have been here I have seen that modelled over and over again. Those that came before including BP, Longhorn, Believer, Pep, LA and others have stayed around to help me and I in turn am still here attempting to help others. For me, it is an honor and I pray that I might somehow help someone in their journey.

My only regret is that I cannot allow myself to get involved in so much on MB that I neglect my own W and M. We are still trying to rebuild our R and even now, I am late getting home from work so that I can sit here and type.

God used my own situation to teach me insights that I can now share with others. For me, the world looked like it was ending and with exposure to those who had the most influence on my W, she quickly ended it and began NC even as I was wanting to ask for it. It didn't look good even then for quite a while and there are days I still have my doubts, but I have learned enough to know that this is the way it happens in recovery.

And God also used my illness to teach me to accept help and care from others and just relax and let it happen without having to help out or participate. He gave me a surgeon I'd recommend to anyone, nurses that cared deeply when I was in pain and brought me closer to friends than I might have been able to get without being sick. He also put me in a position where my W could make huge LB$ deposits daily without me having to struggle in any way at a time when the account was in dangerous territory. Dealing with the aftermath of an A is gruelling and can take a lot out of a person. Which is why Dr Harley says that Plan A should only last about six months at most, unless great progress is being made. In my sitch, that was and is the case.

I am not totally healed and neither is my R with my W, but both of us are getting better by the day.

Mark

phew!!!! After i posted to TJ i thought for a second maybe i was wrong... but with your response after mine... i feel much better <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />