We also had a BS who was attacked by the OW. Her name was Filly something or just Filly, it's been a while.

This OW is nuts. She also writes in double negatives. OK, that's petty but it bugs me.

Threadjack - Yes Dobie! That is the one I meant, Filly. She was attacked and put in the hospital by the OW. She was at K-Mart, and the OW attacked her with a pool cue as she was getting out of her car. Broke her jaw, and she also had to have plastic surgery. She and her WH got back together when he realized what a nut job he'd hooked up with.

I leave for 2 days, and come back to read this. I'm so, so sorry.

I've taken some time and thought about this for a bit. Possibly contacting someone at your husband's job should be considered if there is another episode. This might be the "nuclear option". It might put his job in jeopardy, then again, someone close to him might be able to knock some sense into him before his job IS on the line.

The sexual harassment suit by a student against your husband is something to think about.

I'm currently in the law enforcement field. Start taking notes if the OW or whoever starts messing with you again. Restraining orders a.k.a. ex partes are about impossible to come by without a threat of violence, but is something to also at least think about. They are also damn near worthless in reality.(Disclaimer, I have to do this. I am not a lawyer, I can't give you legal advice. Contact an attorney who is admitted to your state bar for legal advice.)

I feel like &^it. There I was stating that I had good vibes about your situation and now its like an episode out of Jerry Springer, except this isn't staged. I'm so, so sorry.

Just know that I am thinking about you, and I want you to keep on posting, because several of us here care about you.

Good morning Married, Oh my! I've been praying like crazy for you since my last post. Know that God is there in all of this. Regarding a restraining order, I'm not a legal expert, but I've had personal experience with a violent person. If you still have the note, hang on to it! Document the day and time that she brought it by your house, you can also back it up with the date you wrote here. If you can get the emails she sends to him, those can be used to show harassment, but only if they are not in response to his. From your first contact with her forward document EVERYTHING, time, date, location etc. I would let the police know about that note when they say that you need evidence of a threat. Granted, you contacted her first but I just went back and re-read your post and you simply threatened to expose the affair, she is the one who got violent. If it is any reassurance, I sincerely doubt your husband is going anywhere, if he was he would be gone already. You are in an extremely powerful position, use it wisely and you will get everything you want from the situation. Be careful not to attack OW to your WH, it will put him in the position of having to defend her, always position it so it is YOU he defends. I'll keep an eye out for your posts today. Please stay with us, we are all here to help. God bless you abundantly today with peace, wisdom and a serene spirit.

{{Married}} Hopefully that exchange will scare your WH sober. Hard to ignore what he's really gotten himself into now, huh? You are right that he has risked alot for that tart. I hope OW and her BS go away and leave you alone now.

See a lawyer familiar with teacher/student sexual harrassment issues.

Get your documentation in order.

Write everything down as you think of it......the trauma you're experiencing will inadventertantly block important details you will need (but amazingly may have no recollection of) later.

My H and I went through a teacher/student challenge (not like yours) but he was terminated b/c of it....and we chose not to prolong the lawsuit and settled. Our union appointed atty was no help but we had no way$ to change it.

(It was when H was supposedly looking for another job that he found OW online. Be glad you're not needing that other job.)

MF30Y, so sorry for your situation, but you can survive with everyone's help.

I'll keep praying.

Ace

Mfor30

Ive been following your posts and checking in to see how you are since the beginning of your ordeal and have been thinking of you.

I am so sorry to read all of this.

There is *nothing* pathetic about what has happened to you. As JL and others have said, it is utterly normal around here. The OW in our situation attempted suicide in my driveway, as a matter of fact. Police were called, drama ensued. Stalking went on for quite some time. Still does on some level, one year after, from time to time.

I hope you can see what I see. I see a woman who is getting stronger and more empowered. What happens now is completely up to you. I believe in you!

Oh Married...

I don't know if I should be laughing or crying. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I'll laugh. As I was reading your latest post I could not help but think of the immortal line from the movie Arthur. Where Guilgood (sp), the butler describes Arthur's new girl friend.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

The OW surely meets the criterion, doesn't she? You have done fine, you wanting to remain married to your H is fine. Frankly other than the prospect of a suit, is going about as well as can be expected. Exposure, you confronting her has done what it is supposed to do...show the WS the true nature of things. I get the impression, your H is seeing life just a bit differently right now isn't he? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

He should be. THis is not his finest hour, and he is about to learn a hard lesson that professors often forget, he is not a GOD. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> He is at best a man, and will really be judged by how good a husband he was, is, and will become. For everyone else he is simply...retired. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

This will be a very humbling experience for him, and a learning experience for the both of you. Hang in there, you are doing well. Keep reading the book, and keep asking questions. There is much more for you to learn. Recovery is a hard narrow road, so save your strength and love. You will need it.

God Bless,

JL

Ahopefulone, I sincerely thank you for your prayers...I am feeling so bereft. I also thank RM, justkim,believer,familycf,Ace, and of course, JustLearning.

After the alley excursion , I demanded WH turn on the computer yesterday, to check on that secret email account. Well, lo and behold, a message from OW.

I was able to get through the day, and then suddenly, the mess I'm involved in would just HIT me. I managed to work and come home, to STILL ANOTHER email.

Now, I just read the email and I'm shaking with fury. There is no way this woman should know anything about me...My own WH gave her info, that she is now attempting to use. I ask you, what kind of woman DOES this? This seems like some sort of sick GAME to her. I am sick to my stomach, to know that the A wasn't enough. Now, I feel as though my WH has betrayed me.

The email entries hurt almost as much as the A. This young woman is immature, although she certainly doesn't LOOK like any 28 year old that I know!! I also think, she must be used to this type of chaos!! She sounds gleeful and venomous.

She is also very, very shrewd. Her mail indicates that I threatened her...This must be in reference to the letter, when I indicated I would contact her BS. Or, it may be in reference to our very first phone conversation, when SHE came out swinging, when I told her then, I would contact her husband.

She has artfully arranged her mail to read as though I sought to attack her...This is so untrue and not my character. My God...this must be the way this OW lives. If you feel wronged, then jump in the gutter and go for it!

My instincts told me to have WH change our bank accounts and close them. He did this. To think that all I wanted was my marriage and suddenly it appears, I have him now by DEFAULT.

WH does not know about this latest mail. I just want to crawl into a deep, dark cave, think this through and go on with my life. I really have led a very normal, calm and pretty dull life. I was loved by my family, respected by my co-workers and students. No one will understand any of this. Another very sad BETRAYAL? WH admitted to me, that HE was the one who told OW things that I had said. You are all so right...Who was it that said, WH will try to convince OW that YOU are crazy?

I think this is exactly what has happened here. I feel so darn betrayed. Did I say that already? I hate sitting here, waiting for him to return from his meeting. He led this woman to think I was like she apparently is....NUTS!

I revealed most to my family, but not the craziness of the e mail. It's just too sordid. As it is, they already think I'm crazy for not pressing for a separation...They have loved WH like a brother for 30 years.

JustLearning, and the rest of MB posters, thank you for hearing me. Thank you for believing I can do this..Today, WH is not looking like a prize to me. Of course, I will continue my Plan A, but it will definitely be a SHORT plan tonight, because when I look at him, he will see the disappointment in my eyes.

This is normal around here? How in the world do people come through this fire? This pain? This interuption of their lives? I look and speak calmly to WH. I am as angry as HE**, that he appears so mentally fragile now. The least litttle angry or snide remark from me, sends him almost into tears.

This is NOT the man I married. The man I married was strong. He was accomplished (No, JL, he certainly isn't God and he now knows it for certain!) The man I knew until D day was a man you could count on. This is why I know, the book is so correct... He became addicted. He is not resembling any characteristics of the man I knew.

I appreciate your prayers. I feel so very alone in addition to the one emotion I have not wanted to give voice to...I am frightened.

Married,

Keep the email, and consider, I said consider showing it to the authorities, especially if anything strange takes place. I would also consider seeing a lawyer and having the lawyer do any communications that needs to take place from now on.

This stuff is tough, and no your H doesn't look like the man you loved over the years. He can come back but it is going to take awhile. Further, he is going to have to face his betrayal of you by telling the OW this personal information.

You might show him the email and ask him HOW he is going to protect you, and how he is going to bring this to a close. Dump it in his lap.

Recovery is tough and it will take on order years. So hang in there. You are doing better than you realize, but take heart. The OW is showing you her "stature" as it were, and isn't very high is it? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Keep reading the book, and then there are a few others out there that are also good to read.

God Bless,

JL

So sorry that the OW is acting like she is. Sounds kind of like my ex's OW. She wasn't happy just having my husband. She took special pleasure in demeaning me, throwing the affair in my face, etc. It is not pleasant. Just realize that she has some problems. Her actions are a reflection of HER, not you.

It would be interesting to know what she has been telling her husband about all of this. She may not have even told him about the affair, and thus her aggression towards you. I would be careful.

You are going through the normal feelings. Don't be surprised if you start wondering if you even want your husband when this is over.

That is what did my marriage in - I lost all respect for my husband. But it sounds like your husband is going to be one of the ones who "gets" it.

Married,

Although my H got emotionally (and virtual sexually) involved with a woman across the country who he never met because they got caught first, his affair tainted all his many other good qualities in my eyes until he 'got it' and the fog dissipated, slowly but surely.

I registered on MB to try to help rebuild my trust. Only 4 months later, we are well on our way to recovery...and I am trusting him more and more each day.

It can happen...just keep posting and keep a journal and notebook of all your evidence. It may seem disgusting and you may want to burn it, but since you might be facing legal issues, you'll need hard evidence.

As far as knowing how to cope with the depths of the violation in the midst of 'life goes on' commitments...just take one moment at a time. Breath by breath, step by step, you'll eventually be able to focus. It's taken time, but it is possible and will be worth the effort.

I am praying for you.

Ace

Thank you so much believer. You are so right. This betrayal of information is just about to suffocate me. That is the most excellent word for how I feel...I don't know why I couldn't articulate that before now. That is it exactly..I am suffocating.

Why are some of these OW so venomous? Isn't it enough to destroy my life? You are right about another thing...I feel as if she is flaunting their A in my face. It is demoralizing and demeaning at the most basic level.

JustLearning, I am just discussing seeking a lawyer with WH, while he reads SA. He is reading it very, very carefully and has pulled out his highlighter. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I wanted to laugh, but my face already hurts.

I told WH my feelings regarding his betrayal in the most calm manner. He still can't quite come to grips with what he has done to me. me He is now just starting to say, thank you for "pulling me out and bringing me back." Too little...too late. I don't want thanks, I just want him to be the man that he was.

JustLearning, remember my post about a hundred years ago? When I said, I felt like I had caught my middle aged child? You reprimanded me and stated very clearly, that this wasn't my child..but my husband.

Well, I am inwardly feeling like Big Moma again. He doesn't seem to be able to grasp these new developments. His contention? Well, I just won't answer her and she may send a few more messages and then it will stop. He is clueless....Doesn't he know how these messages knife me to my very core?

I handed him the book and said, "Here." "Read this." "What you are experiencing is not so special after all." "You, honey, are a textbook case."

I want this man and this marriage. He only said one thing while reading. I told him that this latest Bonnie and Clyde episode with the OW and BS, is just unbelievable. My question to him was this: You showed her love, attention and exchanged intimacies, why ? What has happened that she would want to hurt you like this? She was willing to see her BS beat you to a pulp, had you gotten out of the car.

He responded..."Maybe she knows that since she's told her H, and she knows we're through...Maybe she now wants to destroy our marriage." "She has told me that she can get any man she wants."

My God...shouldn't THAT have sent a flaming red flag for the professor?

I will be heading back to the bookstore in the morning. I still need to be forewarned and forearmed. This narrow road to recovery will be a steep one, indeed. One of us, either WS or I, will need drugs to get through this.

I'm hanging on. I am praying. I am still so hurt, betrayed and alone. My face hurts.

Thank you, Ace. I think this is hard enough and then a legality arises. This is just so, so hard. The most difficult thing that I have ever encountered, except death of loved ones.

I am happy for you, to know you are in recovery. That sounds like such a warm and good place to be...How I wish this was already next year or something in the distance, far awa;y from this present reality.

I still cry, but I haven't broken down. I cry in private. I cry as I sit here and perform my therapeutic typing.

Again, believer, JustLearning..Thank you. I thank everyone here. This is just so darn hard.

Married,

I get goose bumps when I read what your H appears to be doing.....he sounds like my H after D-Day #3. Of course, D-Day #4 was when he finally began to emerge from withdrawal.

Prepare yourself for the rollercoaster. If you want to scream, scream. It sounds like your H might take it like mine did. I even cussed, even dropped the F-bomb a few times in the ensuing days after D-Day #3 (never said much more than "dang" before and I stopped cussing about a week after D-Day 3 when H seemed genuinely remorseful).

But right after the 2nd and 3rd D-Days, I just let 'er rip....just pretended I was Jesus in the temple, driving out the bad guys (OW demons). I doubt if he dropped the F-bomb, but that's why He's perfect and we're not.

Married, when things seem utterly hopeless, start a little list of the things you are grateful for in your life. It may be hard to think of things at first, but as you get the ball rolling, you'll find out there are many things in the shadows of this violation that YOU can choose to bring to the forefront of your life. Journal them and meditate on them.

I'm still praying for you....we all are.

Ace

PS Writing is therapeutic actually.....of course it would have been easier if I had found these MB forums as soon as we started reading HNHN in the fall....took a few months for that.

Married,




I cried in private after D-Day #1. After D-Day #2 I held back but cried in front of him a little. After D-Day #3, I let her rip....screamed, cried, cussed, and revealed my pain, including nearly committing suicide by slamming my car into a bridge abutment. When I told him, that's what helped him finally start to 'get it'.

Even though D-Day #4 happened, it occurred just before we were supposed to leave on a 10 day vacation, which I almost cancelled in order to get the house ready to sell so I could start over (at 53) with the equity. I calmly agreed with him when he said he should go away and picked up his piddly little gym bag with a change of clothes (and his Bible) to leave in the wee morning hours. That's when the fog began to lift, Nov. 10, 2006. He turned at the door and begged me for another chance, a 5th strike....and I gave it to him....again.

Don't hide your pain, Married. Let it out if you need to. It will speed up the healing process and hopefully save you from having more D-Days.

Ace

oh, Ace,
I don't have the strength for that many darn D Days..I guess I shouldn't say that...I'm in uncharted waters these days!

You are remarkable...Truly! This is the thing....I just can't fathom people wanting to live this way.

You made me smile for only about the second time today. I envision your WH's "piddly" overnight bag. How? Just tell me how you were able to go through and make it to the other side, without the benefit of MB???

I feel like I need a straight jacket, except I'm mad enough to bite through the restraints.

I appreciate you. Someone who has made it work, just as many here have. Right now, that just seems so remarkable to me. I can't wrap my brain around it just yet.

I keep making what the book terms, __________judgements. I can't remember the exact deleted word, but I recognized myself immediately. Now if WH had only done this....Now if you had only said that...This is the way my conversations with him go, until I hear myself. I keep thinking, if I don't tell him to eat, sleep or breathe, he won't do it. I'm afraid the poor man is having some sort of delayed mental incapacity.

I guess this is normal too? Of course, as has been said repeatedly, he must figure this mess out for himself. I can't help him with his own anguish, except to make sure all conversations don't end with me using my arsenal of choice...my mouth. As a rule, Ace, I don't curse. My weapon of choice is my ability to talk the man to death.

Do you want to see a grown man cover his ears? I swear, I had never seen this done before in my life. It would have been comical, except by then, I knew he was holding his head to keep the lid on it.

Now, I'm being mean again...See what I mean? I am not usually like this at all. I've complained about how much HE has changed and now look at me.

I will do as you suggest...I will begin to keep a journal of the positives. I need to keep those in the forefront of my core. It's an excellent suggestion. I thank you...sincerely.

Married

It is all so bewildering, isnt it? It doesnt seem possible to experience this intense pain, such a roller coaster of emotions and have people tell you that it is utterly normal.
It seems anything BUT normal.

But, it is. Everything you are feeling is completely normal and no, you are NOT going crazy.

I remember not long after D-Day for us feeling like my heart had been rendered apart. I felt like I was going crazy. I could see no way that I could possibly get through this, never mind recover my marriage. Yet, Im still here. Still fighting and learning. I have discovered reserves of strength I never knew I possessed. I have been destroyed and rebuilt 100 times over.

I dont know where we will end up. Some days, I want to stay in this marriage more than ever. Other days, I forsee no way I can stay with a man who destroyed my life, my world and my belief. Like so many other people here, I roll with it and know that however I feel, whatever the day brings.. it is normal

My prayers to you.
JK

Hi Married,


Fantasies have no logical explanation. Even most WSs would not choose to live this way if it weren't for the fantasy fog of their addictions.



Regarding that night, we were packing for our vacation. When I showed him the evidence of his lies, he said he would go and I surprised him by agreeing. I LET HIM GO. I honestly decided then and there to cancel the vacation, get the house ready to sell and start over.

He looked pathetic as he slowly picked up his partially packed gym bag and started to go. I was surprised when he turned at the door.

He begged me to go on the vacation and give him one last chance to prove cold turkey (with no computer access and us together 24/7 for 10 days) that he could change.

I agreed for only one reason. I had already told an elderly family member I would visit for what might be the last time b/c she lives across the country. I had waited until that morning to call and couldn't bear the thought of cancelling that visit.

I'll link the details later if I can find them, but H proved to me he was sincere about changing. Strike 5 wielded a pretty hefty bat.



To be honest, Married, our sitch is much different from yours. My H and yours are teachers (as was/is the OW). But yours was physical, ours was only emotional.

Also, OW lives across the country, not nearby.

It's not much consolation, I know, but the emotional rollercoaster is much the same. Mine just does not include a PA, OW or lawsuit. The betrayal, violation and lies are what make recovery so difficult because they have obliterated trust. Multiple violations and repeated lies (when I thought I was building trust) are complicated by triggers....painful reminders that return to haunt you.

If H had not showed the signs of changing during our Nov. 06 vacation, we would NOT have made it. We'd be separated and on the road to a divorce.

MARRIED, I can only post on the weekends, not during weekdays so I am glad you inspired me to link all 7 chapters of our story. Have you seen them? (MR ROMANCE in the Romantic Experiences section of the IDEAS forum.) I will write more after I get the links done. (I enjoy your writing style in spite of your anguish and I'm glad I could make you smile.)

I'm tempted to comment on your "yapping H to death" but will wait for another post!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Hang in there and keep reading on this web site. Get the book on Lovebusters, too. If you haven't found it yet, the term is DJ, Disrespectful Judgements....I've done it for 50+ years! (We're both passive/aggressive....led to our 32 years detachment.)

More later. Still praying for you.

Ace

Married...one more thing,

Look for info on triggers....imprinted reminders of what your H did during the A.

Be careful what you ask. Write things down and wait before asking until you decide whether or not you really want to know.

I did not know this. If I had, I would have quit asking because every answer MIGHT create a new trigger that slows recovery.

For example, I asked how extensive their sexual fone-fornication was. Now I wish I didn't know they mutually fantacized about certain sexual acts. Over time I'm forgetting these images, but the vivid mind pictures made it very difficult for me in the beginning.

TAME YOUR TONGUE...it may come back to bite you.

Ace

P.S. If you haven't read it yet, please check out Longhorn's plan (top of Just Found Out forums) for a solid marriage plan you can develop. Longhorn's Plan

Edited to add: Got the MR. ROMANCE links done so you can read some of our sordid story in one thread.