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"Maybe she knows that since she's told her H, and she knows we're through...Maybe she now wants to destroy our marriage." "She has told me that she can get any man she wants."
It's completely not clear what the story to her husband was. I doubt very seriously that when threatened with exposure, she chose to confess to a consensual affair.

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((Married))

You are going through the most horrific experience anyone can imagine. I know. I had a mastectomy 6 weeks after my XWH left us due to his affair. Even chemotherapy was a walk in the park compared to being betrayed.

It truly is a roller coaster ride, like so many on MB describe it. You will get through this. MB saved my sanity.
I had a place to go where there were others who understood what I was going through. They let me know that I wasn't crazy.Even now, as I deal with fall out of my XH's choices, I am still buoyed by the information on this site.

I don't have any wisdom for you except to take care of yourself. Read the information on this site. Keep posting. Most of all, take care of yourself.

In His Grip-


johnstwin-

"I may not know what the future holds, but I know who holds my future." -Martin Luther

Remarried my FXH 25 years to the day of our first M. God is so good-and sometimes so unexpected!

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Married,

Will be out of the country next week. Just wanted to leave you a note to hang in there you can get through this.

God Bless,

JL

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Just letting you know that I'm still here, and thinking about you. Take care. Hang in there. Keep venting. There has been some good advice the last few days.

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MB friends,
I am still here...I must confess, that I have taken a few days to reflect, contemplate my next actions and to read. My life has been fairly uneventful, when I compare it to the Jerry Springer atmosphere of my previous posts.Johnstwin, I do thank you...I am trying very hard to take care of myself during these days.

JustLearning, I do hope you have a great time. It meant quite a lot to me to know you checked in to let me know you would be away. It was so thoughtful and I appreciate it greatly....I would have been so worried if you and Reprobatemind just dropped off the face of the earth, before I reagained my full sanity.

I felt WH had a very sincere breakthrough two days ago. For the first time since D Day, I felt he was being honest, open and sincere. He has expressed a willingness to rebuild this R, although he still doesn't quite know what to do. He just thinks he will shower me with various kindnesses.

I suppose this is rather a Plan A for the waywards. Even though he is doing all that he knows to do, the thoughts of this horrific intrusion still enter my mind. The A was bad enough, but his betrayal of me was the absolute worst. I have had one huge breakdown and I think the worst is over for a while. I have read and I understand that waywards lie and violate the NC, but I still just can't believe my WH did this. Even to my own ears, this sounds naive and arrogant.

WH told his uncle and sister of his A and they were not shocked or awed. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> They both told my WH that I would "get over it." Can you believe that? Neither of them has been able to sustain a marriage and I guess I see why! We truly loved each other...we still do. How anyone can think that this type of pain should be gotten over, is beyond me. It has changed the person that I am. My tolerance for crap is at an all time low.

Ace, I have begun to read your story of Mr. Romance and I'm looking forward to finishing. I also appreciate hearing from those of you who have been in the trenches and dug your way out. I pray to be as successful. I am cancelling all plans for this week-end and WH and I are going for a week-end junket to reconnect. I am looking forward to it and on the other hand I am not.

I have a few questions that my reading does not adequately address for my needs:

1. Am I missing the point of this unconditional love and giving during Plan A? This is the man that has broken my heart, lied to me up one side of this relationship and down the other. I ask you all, why does HE get to feel so good, when I am the wronged party?

I know the reason given...but it is still a bitter pill to swallow.

2. When do I stop checking the email, phone records, etc.? Every time I check, it acts as a trigger for my anger. I enter the computer room calm enough, but I emerge like a simmering feret. It has gotten to the point that I think I am becoming obsessed with checking and looking for evidence of more lies.

We have changed the cell phone number, but not the email addy, in case we need evidence for police. This young OW is a nutcase and WH and I thought we should save any and all mail from this point on.

3. How will I know that I'm in recovery? It is starting to feel slightly better around here, but a few things will still act as triggers. I still have not put my rings back on and WH hasn't requested that I do so. I am more than a little ticked off about that one too!

4, WH had a variety of ways to contact the OW; email, text message, cell phone, instant message, and of course daily class. He demonstrated through breaking the NC, his tears and screams that he was soooo deep in the fog. He still contends that this was done only as a sexual R. Just tell me Reprobatemind, is that POSSIBLE??????????? Don't you have to at least THINK you're in love to have so many points of contact? I mean, we were being loving and intimate with a full blown Plan A!!!!!!!! Can he just be saying it was "only sex", because he thinks I will be more hurt by the truth ?

When he was still calling and texting that little tart (You MB folks have really good names for the OW), he tried to get me to put the rings on....but since he has become attentive, not one more word has been said about me wearing my rings.

I begin IC on Wed. I will be seeing the same counselor WH has been seeing....I am not going to continue if the guy is not competent. As I have said before, my tolerance is very low these days. I wish none of this had ever happened to me. I don't feel that I will ever be the same. Maybe that is the ticket...I shouldn't WANT to be the same and honestly I don't want to ignore my WH's EN's. I just know that my family will never feel the same about my WH or us as a couple. I know you guys have said that it can be better than it was before, but I just don't see how that can be.

That my friends makes me very, very sad indeed.

Last edited by marriedfor30yrs; 05/23/07 11:04 PM.

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Sorry. You have to watch him and verify that he is being truthful until he proves he can be trusted. Also the BS has to do the heavy work of recovery at first. Not fair - but it is the way it is.

Your sense of specialness and innocense is gone forever. Kiss it goodbye. It will take at least 2 years to recover from this. You will NEVER be the same.

With that said, you CAN go on to have a much better marriage than before. Once you've overcome this together, you can have a better marriage than you ever dreamed of. You will know that you've been tested with the worse thing that can happen and made it through.

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Married,
I am so glad to see your latest post!! I was worried about you!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> I have been reading and checking on your situation from day one and you are such a special person!! I am so sorry you are having to go through this and it breaks my heart to see you in so much pain. I am very new to MB and it makes my faith in people so much stronger to know that perfect strangers who have been through this same situation has shown you (and so many other hurting hearts) such helpful and caring words. Its hard for me to understand how someone we love so much can hurt us so bad. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> You are such a strong person and this situation will only make you that much stronger. Please know that you and your WH are in my thoughts and prayers every day.

dhd <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


Me - 37
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Who is the happiest of men? He who values the merits of others, and in their pleasure takes joy, even as though 'twere his own.
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Married,

I posted to your other thread [click here] and I am praying for you, too.

What did you find out?

Ace

PS Have you retired yet? If it makes you feel any better, my H and I are of retirement age, but due to his history of lying which partially led to our financial devastation, we will not be able to retire for at least 20 more years.

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I've been out of pocket with school for the last few days, and now I'm caught up again. Let me read once more and see if I can't figure something out. I'm REALLY sorry that you asked me a direct question and I wasn't around to answer. Be back in a sec...

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You are going to reconnect this weekend. Good plan. I'm probably a little late to give advice for the weekend, but don't be pushy, as in, don't force yourself or him to have a good weekend. Know what I mean?

A little late for me to give you tech advice, per your message on the other forum about the OW email. Did you get that solved? I take it as good news that the email mentions something to the effect of "Why haven't you answered?"

As far as anger triggers, recovery time periods, feeling addicted to checking up on him...This is gonna take some time. All of this shi! has happened in just a couple of weeks. The anger will subside, but it will be awhile. Months. Maybe of couple of years. It will always be in the back of your mind. The checking up on him constantly is probably a good thing at the moment. His recent history for no contact doesn't seem to be spotless, so he will have to put up with it.

You will know that you are in recovery when you don't feel this situation hanging over your head every hour of every day. When a day or two passes when suddenly you realize, "Hey, I haven't thought about him screwing around on me since the day before yesterday.", then you know you are close to recovery.

Let me tell you something about men that is ugly. I believe in evolution. In fact, I'm a Richard Dawkins fan from way back. Anyways, men and that little thing between their legs get in trouble. They chase around from time to time, and are naturally that way. Think of little puppies that will hump anything. Thats the way some men can be. Now that puppy isn't in love with that plush toy anymore than your hubby might be in love with the student. All that puppy knows is that when he humps that toy, it feels good.

Of course, humans are much more complex than puppies, but you get the idea. Men are simple creatures. (Takes one to know one). We respond to goo-goo eyes like moths are to a flame. Take some naturally horny man that is a little deprived in that area, thrown in some middle-aged "I wonder if I still have it" attitude, and some young thing who gives him the time of day, mix, stir, introduce to heat, and you have ignition.

Now, not all men screw around. We may want to, but not all do. We like to look. ALL men do. "Not my husband," some woman reading this is thinking, "he respects me." Yes, ma'am, your husband, too. Fighting that is fighting hundreds of thousands of years of evolution. Its when we go beyond looking to touching that the trouble begins.

Think of the pornography industry. Us men like to look at pretty naked women. We are SUPPOSED to like to look at them. Its hard-wired into us. We don't fall in love with Ms. January anymore than your puppy is in love with that plush toy. We are in LOVE with you, the wife. 30 minutes after ogling Ms. January, the man won't even remember her name, or maybe even her eye color. What we remember is that she was pleasant to look at.

What I am leading to is this. Some men, not all, but a great many, well, they can separate love and sex. Its sad, but true. Your husband may really be telling you the truth when he says that he isn't in love with the other woman, that it was just sex. I bet he's right. She stroked his ego, and she also looked like a comfy place to hole up for a while. Thats all. Good men don't fall for the goo-goo eyes and the ego stroking, and can resist. Some good men have told me that they do NOT screw around, don't want to. They have said that no matter what, they won't be allow themselves to be put into that situation where they even get the chance. This is man-code for "Jeez, that would be nice. I really want to, sort of, but I got a wife and kids, love them dearly, and don't want to screw that up."

To sum it up, men can separate love and sex. Notice I said we CAN. That does NOT mean that we always do. For many men, if not the majority, the best sex comes with a loving relationship. We actually prefer to have good sex with the wife that we are in love with, and that loves us back. However, some men, for whatever reason, are not having sex with the loving wife. So, they will seek unloving sex to whatever bimbo strokes their ego and bats the goo-goo eyes at them.

I liked the late Anna Nicole Smith. I liked the way she looked. I liked the natural bimbo act. I liked her body. If this were a fantasy world, and I didn't have a wife, would I want to try her out for a bit? Sure! Now do I want to marry her, have her take care of me when I'm sick? Will I want to smell her morning breath, put up with her stealing my underwear during her period, hold her hair back when she is sick and on all fours puking in the toilet? Do I want her to raise my children? Share finances? Impress my bosses and co-workers when they come over? Do I want to tell her my deepest hopes and fears? Make a promise to take care of each other in our old age? ****** NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Do you see now?

Your husband probably really doesn't love that other woman. He just liked the fact that the old man "still had it" and it made him feel studly. Combine that with not getting the lovin' he wanted at home, and there you have it. What men are SUPPOSED to do is work out those issues. Some men, unfortunately, screw around, destroying those who love them. And then when they get caught, they regret it.
A hard *&^! has no conscience. Most of the time, anyways.

Hang in there. I'm still pulling for you.

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Hi Married,

I'm praying that your time over the weekend w/WH is being productive. Looking forward to your update, as many others are, too.

RM, thanks for your long description from the man's perspective.

Our MC elaborates on the same theme.....saying that not only are men hard-wired to want/need/have the physical act of copulation nearly 24/7, but they usually are naturally indiscriminate regarding with whom to fulfill that innate need.....like rabbits. (Most likely there's a limit with regards to your pug, though. LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />)

MC says that women, on the other hand, are hard-wired to be committed and faithful monogamously (obviously there are exceptions) but that women usully are like the animal/fowl that mates for life w/only one partner. In fact a poster who went on her 25th Anniversary celebration (complete with vow renewal), changed her name to Mates4Life because of this creature about the same time you registered on MB. (She referenced the species when she announced her name change but I'm not taking the time to look it up now. If you know, please enlighten me.)

Re: Married's sitch.....I think your post might help her glean an understanding of her H's bewilderment, hopefully expediting his fog-lifting. I am amused by her descriptions of her weapon of choice.....talking him to death while he curls in the fetal position, both hands over his ears with an agonizing grimace on his face while she badgers him into oblivion! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

At any rate, I appreciate your time to think and type your lengthy post to Married. I read your thread and some of your posts and it appears you have not yet experienced infidelity, but saw warning signs in your detachment and sought help. I applaud you. Wish I had done the same.

Such it is with hindsight, huh....

Marriedfor30....hindsight is useful for overcoming challenges that can be helpful in the future to avert infidelity or to help those involved heal from it. Let's take this (infidelity) bull by the horns and wrestle it to the ground (overcome WS withdrawal), come out victorious (recovery complete), shake the dust off our hands and go on.

Again, looking forward to your update, MF30. Regardless of what happened, we're all here for you.

Ace

P.S. I enjoy your sense of humor, RM. And Married, in spite of the usual "sorry you're here/glad you're here" MB greeting, your writing style and frankness is greatly appreciated. And JL, are you back in the country yet?

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Yo, Ace, thanks. I was afraid that some visitors to the forum would think I was a little salty, but MF30 is a big girl, she can handle it.

Ditto for your marriage counselor's advice. Sounds like we are on the same page.

No, there have been no infidelity issues in our present marriage. I hope it stays that way.

MC30, keep us updated on the weekend and how it went.

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Dear MB Friends, Lifesavers and Internet Angels,

I am still here. That is a very powerful statement for me. Yes, I am still here!

I say this in the smallest of whispers when I awake. I shout it in my car when I am alone and I even say it with triumph on some days. Our weekend getaway is over and I left it with regret. The very thought of returning to my very simple life was daunting, to say the least.

The beginning of the trip found me hurling LB's out of the car window into the air over the highway. My dear, practical and CHEAP WH looked at me benignly and said, "You know, I really don't need that other phone." "I have to pay as I go, and it's really too expensive." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Can you believe the audacity of this man? He was willing to lie about this phone, break the NC immediately and relate the cell number to OW. He!!, I didn't even KNOW he had another phone. Now that I have the number and SHE doesn't, It's TOO EXPENSIVE???!!!!!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Ok....I calmed down after silencing the "head monsters"....We arrived and were rewarded with a very nice suite. I was needy. I failed to mention that the trip was my idea and he really wasn't gung-ho. I honestly don't think it was totally due to the OW, but his need to "Be careful with the money, until we can see how this retirement cash flow evens out." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

I sat in the suite thinking to myself...."This man spent money....$100 of OUR hard earned money, on earrings for his bimbo....a cell phone bill for OW....countless lunches and dinners for OW....and now he wants to be an alarmist AND a tightwad?" I wasn't having it and I told him so. I was not kind. I did not mince words.

I told him that as the mother of his children who shared Mother's Day wishes that he made to both me and OW...I deserved a weekend of his attention. He sighed and agreed. I went back into Plan A mode immediately, but I was ashamed of myself. This entire trip, I'm afraid, was not a JA.

Each night was special, complete with front row seats to a play, lobster dinner, steak dinner, flaming dessert and a waiter that just lived to please me! I can't say that I don't remember being treated this way in the past. WH and I always enjoyed this type of evening for anniversaries, but this was different in a very special way:

I was able to be loving, giving and fulfilled what I believe is his #1 EN. . It. Was.....New. It was both scary and new for me. If you had told me that this would have been possible two months ago, I would have deemed you a liar! This very basic level of EN has not been entered into since the honeymoon. Who knew? I just couldn't imagine....It has been once for Christmas, once for each of our birthdays, once for any "really happy time"....I think that brings the total to four.....A YEAR!! Maybe I'm missing a couple, but not many! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

When I tell you that I thought my/his life was completely fulfilled, I am NOT kidding or exaggerating. It was MY routine....I made it HIS routine. He was more than thrilled with the new turn of events, to say the least. I am a very upbeat and energetic person during my waking hours. WH is a quiet, weekend jock. I am a nestbuilder...I am a nurturer...I was happy when I thought HE was happy....How? How did I get these signals so darn screwed up???

The worst? I had our lives screwed up like this for approx. 30 years....JustLearning is right....He could really have asked for a divorce. I just NEVER, ever knew, my dear MB People.

My sadness enveloped me when our conversation returned to mundane events...We had to return home...the scene of the crime. I have told WH that I no longer want to live here. It feels as if the mailbox, front door and garage entrance should be sprayed down with holy water. I am praying that I get over this creepy feeling that OW knows where I live!

We have scheduled this evening to take the EN survey. My WH, the professor, likes questionnaires. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I will share the findings with the MC when I arrive for Wednesday's session...my first one.

In regard to the offline message...The sneaky little thing had it rigged, so that by the time I got back to save/move it, it had disappeared. She thought WH was still on board, but she wasn't entirely sure. Her second message? A winking face! I couldn't stand it!!!!!!!! So, WH and I just got rid of the entire mail program....So now, I guess she'll be sending snail mail.

I still hate her...I know....But right now, I don't seem to be able to recall my benevolent/forgiving nature. To think....She is the same age as one of my children! I'd love to be able to meet HER mother!

Ace, believer, dhd and my other MB friends, thank you...thank you so much for your prayers and believing that I can do this. (How in the world do I check back to thank everyone, when my message will disappear when I do?)

Reprobatemind...Your analogies are excellent! You get an A for descriptive analogies! I think you made it sooooo much clearer for me. I sure wish I had read your post and the others regarding triggers WHILE I was away!! RM, I can't help it.....You are SUCH a remarkably SMART young man for your 30 years....You are the type of student that I love.

I love the witty spunky ones! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I'm a nurturer too....Your mom, wherever she may be, must be so very proud of you. I thank you for helping to teach this old ______ (insert whatever you want, I can't say dog) new tricks and ways of looking at things.

JustLearning, wherever you are, please be safe. I do feel so very lucky and even blessed, that you heard my anguished cries almost thirty days ago. I know, I just know I would not be in this marriage, if it had not been for you and the initial responders. May God bless you abundantly.

Last edited by marriedfor30yrs; 05/28/07 08:47 PM.

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Welcome back, Married,

You sound euphoric....hope your EN questionnaires experience is going well.

Be thankful for those and the other resources on MB. My H and I had none.....waited to go see MC who only suggested we read "Not 'Just Friends'" by Dr. Shirley Glass.

My H and I had SF nearly every day and night (too) after D-Day #1 b/c I took the week off from work to discuss what happened.

We saw the MC a week later and by the next day, H tried to set up another secret email account to that OW. He lied to MC, too.

Married....withdrawal is a bummer. I don't want to scare you but please do NOT let your guard down. Well, maybe I do want to scare you. (I wish someone had scared me.) I thought all was well, I forgave him, I basked in all the attention he was giving me, and he was thinking about her all that time. And the next time......and the next and final time. Yep, 4 strikes and the 5th will be the last. Fortunately, he knows it and he wants me to check up on him to keep him accountable.....says he has nothing to hide.

It's been 6 months so time will tell. It does get better and the triggers do diminish.....as long as you keep getting support on these boards.

Again, so glad to hear you've started down the road to recovery, but withdrawal could take a few weeks. Be on guard and keep avoiding the LBs and you'll do fine.

Keep us posted.

Ace

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Oooh....remember in that post where I said that men are basically dumb cavemen, and we are suckers for women who stroke our egos? It works! Thanks!! Seriously, I'm really glad to have helped. Knowing that I have in some small way really made my day. Honest.

Mom IS proud of me. I chalk it up to my "mad writin' skillz" (patent pending), which are devastating when welded by those are are properly trained in the ways of the force. I think the FDA is in the process of regulating them in regards to marriage issues. Please remit payment to PO Box....

Serious again for a second...4 times a year? Wow. I'm glad that will change. Wow. Well, now he doesn't have that excuse.

Listen to Ace. Don't let your guard down. It WILL get bad again, for whatever reason. That is, you will feel like giving up again on the whole shebang, get really mad, fill in the blank. It WILL happen. When it does, you now know what it is, and now you know that the bad feeling will go away. Come on this board and vent. Go to your husband, and be loving and honest. Those bad feelings WILL go away, too. Eventually, it will get better with time.

I will leave you this note and a history lesson. Flash back to the 1980's, where the great, handsome, wise, knowledgeable and powerful Ronald Wilson Reagan was entering into a nuclear disarmament treaty with Mikhail Gorbachev. They were wanting to scrap some of the nuke missiles that were sitting in the silos, peace and love and all that jazz. Grandpa Ronnie went on national TV with Gorbie, and with everyone present stated that both countries should send inspection teams to the other sides' silos to make sure the nukes where actually in the process of becoming razor blades or whatever. (I bet the razors glowed in the dark, hehe). Anyways, Ronnie then flashed his famous smile and said,...............

"Trust, but verify."

End of sermon.

Last edited by ReprobateMind; 05/28/07 10:55 PM.
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Married,

Back from the trip. I am glad things are progressing. I suspect that the smile on his face has to do with the number 4 don't you? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> May it be banished from your household. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

You are doing well, and it will get better as your H "gets it" and as you "get it". You both will. It is a painful journey, but it may turn out to be a healthy one for you.

Must go.

God Bless,

JL

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Sooooo glad to hear from you Married!!!

It sounds like your weekend went well (except for the yelling out the window part) I will never understand why men are so thickheaded!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> When my H is in his neanderthal state I'll ask him "Exactly what color is the sky in your world??" They can be so smart and such an impressive species and then turn around and revert back to the knuckle draggin hairy sub-humans that we want to strangle!!
No offense RM, JL, etc., ect. I am sure your knuckles do not drag the ground....very often..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

4 times.....bless his bone(s)(pun intended <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />). This area will help you both with EN. I was a little stingy in that department too and since my H 'almost' EA in 05' that area has improved so much. I have come full circle and he now tells me he is to tired sometimes!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

I dont really have words of wisdom to tell you because I havent been in your shoes but from the things I have read on these forums it is a long road. There is a light at the end of the tunnel though and you are such a strong and kind person with a WANT to save your marriage. That to me seems like a tremendous start. Please know we are here for you and will pick you up when you are down and help you in any way we can.

dhd <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


Me - 37
DS - 12


Who is the happiest of men? He who values the merits of others, and in their pleasure takes joy, even as though 'twere his own.
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 137
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Posts: 137
What did you say? I was busy putting neosporin on my fingers. They are awful scabby as of late...

Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 21
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Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 21
Only call em like I see em. I just read your post on the woman scorn by porn (ha! I made a ryme) and she was mean to you. I guess it was all that neanderthal hair in your eyes.

he-he,
dhd


Me - 37
DS - 12


Who is the happiest of men? He who values the merits of others, and in their pleasure takes joy, even as though 'twere his own.
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 140
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Joined: May 2007
Posts: 140
Hi to all, and especially my favorite, hairy, neosporin prone friends...

The above posts gave me much needed comic relief, as today was an absolutely disappointing day from ******....

WH and I took the EN questionnaire together and my guy just doesn't live in the same universe that I inhabit. His sexual needs are #3 and mine are #10!!!!

I think the questionnaire was skewed toward my desire to divide my emotions before D Day and after D Day. Does that make sense?? I had to keep saying, "Are we indicating what we feel NOW.....or should we indicate the revised needs?"

Why is this so relevant? I must have this cleared up for me, because I truly thought OW fulfilled more needs, such as the one for admiration. Well, wouldn't that also go along with the scenario? WH has family committment in the top 5, as well as financial-something-or-other. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Obviously, OW couldn't fulfill either of those! So, I thought WH selected "safe" needs, thereby throwing the accuracy of the questionnaire to the wind. Was I guilty of throwing in a few of my "newer EN's as well? Um....Yes.

My number one need was for honesty. Would I have said that 30 days ago? I don't know, but it really has been a trait that I have always deemed important. In retrospect, WH and I must take this questionnaire into account during our conversation tomorrow. Tonight, we discussed my IC and it was not very pretty. I sat in that counselor's office and cried and talked and cried and talked and ....You get the picture.

The poor counselor guy sat there in his natty green socks and sandals, looking concerned and nodded, as my session went 15 min. overtime. I apologized, because I knew that he was probably saying, "The poor shmuck that I met for the past two weeks can't keep up with the dialogue and MEMORY of this nutty lady." He asked me two direct questions:

1. What do you want to happen with your marriage?
2. Do you wish to continue with your sessions?


I never answered either question fully. I am usually very clear in my answers to direct questions, but not today. He said, "Well, Mrs. Marriedfor30yrs., your husband has expressed a desire to continue in his marriage." I sat there and looked him straight in the eyes and responded:

"Forgive me doctor, but wouldn't YOU wish to continue in this marriage too? After all, his home is comfortable and tastefully decorated, his children are adults, his car is brand new, his wife is attractive and has started to put out like a prom queen and he has the sweet affection and sexual tension from a 28 year old. Doctor.....what is there NOT to like, if I may ask?"

I may be wrong, but I have watched pen gestures from across the room for over 30 years.I have a teacher's ability to also read upside down.....He wrote one word: HOSTILE <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

I left without making another appointment. He offered only one parcel of advice during the entire 75 minutes:

Quote
Remember, Mrs. Marriedfor 30yrs., the OW is insignificant to you....she does not exist for you now, the focus is on both you and your husband.

So, there you have most of it. There is more, but I've cried and cried today, like I just discovered this miserable chapter in my life. I just don't feel like I want to keep hurting like this. WH can't help....He cries too.

I asked WH after the IC, why he couldn't sustain NC with OW after I reved up my sexual engine? If it was a need for sex, why did you call to offer Mother's Day greetings to her?

His first HONEST answer in 30 days....."It was hard to give up having sex with her....It was just really hard."
Now, that is true honesty...Somehow, it's not what I thought my #1 EN would be like.


I could make it if I thought for SURE that this wouldn't lead to D Day #3, but of course there are no guarantees.

I'm sorry that I learned to prepare all of those low cholesterol meals. I. Am. DARN. sorry, that I included tomatoes in his diet to guard against prostate problems. Today, I do not like my husband. Today, I think I should have tied him to the waving tip of a flag flying over west he**.

This does not feel like living.


marriedfor30yrs
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