fullofdoubt,
Dr. Harley talks about ONSs and it's not very comforting. I'll look for the exact quote. Here:
Some affairs are "one night stands." They usually take place when a spouse is away on a trip, or when one has gone out partying without the other spouse. These relatively loveless affairs usually happen when people drink and lose impulse control. Alcoholics are the ones most likely to have these flings.
Affairs can be the same, particularly when a spouse is not in love with his lover. Many affairs are one-night-stands, where a spouse has sex only once with someone who happens to be available. Even when it is repeated, a relationship of sexual convenience without the feeling of love is relatively easy to stop when it is exposed. That's because a relationship without love is usually not an addiction, although it is still devastating to the other spouse when it is discovered.
But these are not the ones I'm looking for.
I remember the gist of what he said because that is the very situation I had to recovery from. He says that people who have a series of ONSs....are not failing to get their needs met....they are opportunists who have deeper issues....character issues. Do not believe for a second that there was no sex. ONSs are all about sex...only about sex. Alcohol is a huge contributing factor....as you say...not an excuse, but a major contributer. My H had alot of out of town travel....and despite the fact that I was loving and giving spouse....he seized the opportunity without any real thought of the marriage. People who do this have "entitlement" issues....they think the rules don't apply to them and that they can simple get away with this stuff.
Harleys strategies still apply....but I think the conditions for reconciliation need to be much much clearer and stringent for serial cheaters who engage in multiple ONSs.
So that's the bad news. The good news is that my marriage has been in recovery for many years now. I think we had a high hill to climb than some other folks....but we did get there.
How strong are you? How willing and able are you to enforce clear boundaries. I took a very radical approach to my husband's cheating (and the suspicion of more) because we were getting ready to go overseas and so my risks were very great. The conditions of reconciliation were severe....and I took them to the next level. I legalized them in two languages. Before I was willing to reconcile he had to aggee to certain things...in writing...notarized...here's some of them:
He had to go to confession and do whatever the priest advised for religious atonement.
He had to have a plan to change jobs....one that required mimimum opportunity for affairs and demonstrate his effort to look for other employment (set up interviews, send out resumes...actively look).
He had to agree to a minimum of 1 year of marriage counseling.
He had to get counseling for "alchohol issues" separate from the other counseling.
He had to grow his spirit....go to church and agree to do 100 hours of community service.
If I discovered more infidelity....there were significant financial and custody penalties that he had agree to.
I know this sounds extreme....but I think the risks of staying with a man who can do this....are big enough to warrant them. I'm no fool.