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Post deleted by JustMichele
Me 37
H 42
Daughters 18 and 16
Continuously working at not taking each other for granted.
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I know what it is like to feel down. I am trying my best to hold on here just as you are.
Just keep talking here to me. I will be here, and I will listen.
Is there anything you can think of that will tell you more about what is going on? Just clear your mind for a few minutes, and close your eyes. If tehre is anything that will help you, it might just pop in your mind as you sit there.
Breathe deeply and try this.
FBS - 28
Status: Divorced (thankfully)
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I will see what I can find out, but it's possibly not even her. I have such small evidence to go on. It's really just my gut.
I am so down right now. More than I have been since this all started. I don't know what triggered it, but I'm in a bad place. Michele, if you can find out what is really happening here, there is hope. We can help you deal with this if we know what is really going on. I do think he is having an affair and getting that information can arm us to help you. I do understand you are down; you are entitled. But don't let it stop you from strategizing. Have a good cry and then think of how you can find out the name and background of this OW. I smell an OW here, and that intel will help tremendously.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Post deleted by JustMichele
Me 37
H 42
Daughters 18 and 16
Continuously working at not taking each other for granted.
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It is GOOD that he comes in the house right now. You WANT him to come there. Do your best to make sure your house is clean and inviting and that he feels VERY WELCOMED and WANTED there, ok? Plan A should serve to ATTRACT him back and this is part of that plan. It would be nice to invite him over for dinner and have some pleasant family time. That is something the OW cannot offer him. This is an ADVANTAGE you have over her: HIS HOME and his children. We were saying good bye and he hugged me and didn't let me go right away. I told him that he can come home and I will love him. I will never take him for granted again and I will work to make us happy. He started crying and said that he just feels so guilty because he doesn't feel the way I do. I told him he could, then walked away. I know it's not what he wanted to hear, but I had to say it...it was the right time. I am trying to be careful, but I take my chances when I can. I LOVE THAT you did this!!! This is exactly the message you need to send him, that you are sorry you took him for granted and that if he comes home you will love him. That was PERFECT, Michele! He feels "guilty" because he is doing something wrong. This feeling puts pressure on him and this is GOOD. Now, find out who the OW is!!! Get to work, girl!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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She and my best friend have talked about spying on him. I'm just about there. I'm going to see if my friend is serious and if she is, I will likely take her up on it. What do you mean by you are "just about there?" Just about where?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The comment you made was perfect!
I told my WH that three days after I found out. He may not have WANTED to hear it, but he heard it.
Little whispers. They also do wonders for your soul.
Cry when you need to. It makes you feel soooo much better. Cleanses your soul.
FBS - 28
Status: Divorced (thankfully)
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Post deleted by JustMichele
Me 37
H 42
Daughters 18 and 16
Continuously working at not taking each other for granted.
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Yes, you will cry. For days. I cried myself silly when my H first left our home. I had no clue why. He loved me? Why would he leave. I spent that week and a half all alone. Crying constantly. Then, I found out. I was hysterical. Cried for three more days. Then, I only cried at bedtime. Then every few days. Then, it was a couple of weeks. I just cried (and I mean cried... not just tears welling up) for the first time in weeks. And, it felt good. Why are you responsible? Your WH could have just had a discussion with you about what was wrong, and you two together could have made things better. What he did was horrible. It's not your fault. He made his bed. Also, your daughter is right. Listen to her. Don't try and protect your WH from the kids. They should know and decide for themselves how they should treat him. Maybe if your daughters go to him and say, "Hey! What you are doing is ruining our family" your WH may have a little bit of awakening to what he has done. Don't be ashamed to cry. I dealt with all of this while still going to work. Wanna see awkward? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
FBS - 28
Status: Divorced (thankfully)
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Post deleted by JustMichele
Me 37
H 42
Daughters 18 and 16
Continuously working at not taking each other for granted.
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Part of why I have a hard time with it is that I have a journal that I am afraid he will read if I'm not there and I don't want him going through my things. Why not just burn it and then you won't have to worry about that? Michele, why aren't you on birth control? Also, it might be very helpful if you considered getting on anti-depressants. Have you ever taken those? This is the devastating trauma a person can experience, so it might help to get on ADs.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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justmichelle...
I am concerned that there is a lot emotional fall out from you dribbling down on to your children...
that there is a little too much confiding in them grownup issues with too much emotionaly charged stuff.....
both from him and you....
he tells your host daughter that he doesn't have a girlfriend repeatedly....
your oldest tells you are taking on too much as your fault...
you said that though there was a break up that they continued to bring up that fear repeating itself.....for years...
this is the one that makes me question what type of post coming back together behavior you and he were modeling...
I would like to think that you two presented a new united front in alleviating concerns that this would happen again...
but the gist I am getting is that there wasn't unity and bonding to assist the children in to feeling safe..thus alleviating their fears...
OR
the break up was a such a trickle down emotional mess from you and he ...that it really affected them deeply....and haunted them
in other words I am imploring you to MAN-UP about and with your emotions with the children...
they are too young and too impressionable to burdon themselves with grownup emotional minutia.....and they need protected with ONE grownup acting reasonable in the midst of this mess....
you need to get on with normal life and activities.....
make them feel secure in the grownup home with them..
ALSO
I will tell you that I revisit my idea that your blaming him for your sexual issues is something that you should definitly address in apologizing to him in your plan A....
you must though offer your apology sincerely with NO expectations of any type of response...it is your gift...
If I had to live with someome telling me for years to have a surgery that I did not want....it would wear me down....and being a woman the idea of my spouse demanding for years I have my tubes tied...and then using my decisions against me may and very well could end up with me deciding to leave.....
your husband has shown signs of still wanting contact and closeness....
this may be a huge issue...and until you speak and show him YOUR changes of attitude in this area.....part of what holds him back may be his belief you haven't and won't change...
thing is he and no other WS believe any BS's changes at first...so the storm must be weathered.....
I know you are hurting...
but hurting doesn't kill us...
you have two impressionable daughters...
emotions must lead to motions that are positive...
otherwise we will just flounder in the emotional slog...
and times' fleeting...
ARK
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Post deleted by JustMichele
Me 37
H 42
Daughters 18 and 16
Continuously working at not taking each other for granted.
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We haven't talked today, and I am sure after what I said last night, he is really trying to distance himself from me. Concentrate on being someone he does not want to distance himself from. Focus on being PLEASANT and UPBEAT even if it kills you. If you cry and carry on, who do you think looks more attractive? you or the OW? If you cry, plead and carry on, you MAKE THE OW LOOK GOOD. Because I assure you she is pleasant, she is not pleading and crying. So, be as pleasant and attractive as you possibly can becasue this is your program of ATTRACTION. I took today off and now I'm wondering if I should have gone in. I thought giving myself a few days would be good, and while yesterday was a good day for the most part, it got really tough. This one is starting off really bad. I am going to try and get out of the house for a bit today. Who knows, maybe I can see a doctor right away. Michele, it helped me to force myself to go to work every day. I held the tears in all day and promised myself I could cry at 5:00 when I got in my Jeep to go home. I would rush to my Jeep and cry all the way home. By the time I got home, my cry was over and I could come inside and take care of my boys. They needed me more than ever at that time since their father had lost his mind. I think I would have been in major trouble if I stayed home, though, because I know I would have just wallowed in my misery all day and REMAINED 100% obsessed with my grief. Even though I was pretty useless at work becasue I was so traumatized, it did me a world of good to get out. Otherwise, I would have stayed home and been alone with my misery all day. I am absolutely going to address the sexual issues. I didn't take any responsibility for alleviating my fears of getting pregnant. I did put all of that on him and I now see how tiring that must have been for him. I would have probably felt the same way as he does, after that long. \ Michele, I hope that you understand how devastating it is to be married to someone who REFUSES to meet your most important needs. I think you are catching on here how deeply hurtful it really is. And how it can effectively lead to falling out of love. Let's say that you had a strong emotional need for affection and your H refused to meet it unless you agreed to an extreme set of criteria. That sends a message that he does not care. I am utterly consumed...how do I get over that? Regardless of what I am doing, it is front in my mind. And will stay consumed for some time. This is about the worst thing that can happen to a person, Michele. You should be devastated. We can't help you with NORMAL. just know that it will not always be like this. You WILL be happy again, with or without your H. I can promise you that. This situation is not hopeless if you can manage to put your emotions aside and let us help you. There are no guarantees, but I have seen situations far worse than this come back from the dead. With a well thought out strategy, you may be able to attract your husband back. You have an advantage the OW does not have: a HISTORY with your H and his children. She can never compete with that. On the other hand, you CAN compete with her on all levels, and HAVE in the past. You KNOW him much better than she does. You also have benefit of Marriage Builders and she does not. I know it feels like the end of the world, Michele, but it is NOT.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Post deleted by JustMichele
Me 37
H 42
Daughters 18 and 16
Continuously working at not taking each other for granted.
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Joined: Apr 2001
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Hon, this does not sound bad. I think you said some very important things. You can't get through the fog right now, so you shouldn't even expect that, but it is GOOD to plant the seed that you know what you did wrong! but be assured you cannot reason with a falling down drunk. It is impossible!
You have time to think about your next interaction and to concentrate on being ATTRACTIVE. You must develop a program of ATTRACTION and use all your willpower to CONTROL YOUR EMOTIONS IN HIS PRESENCE. This is no easy task, but you can see that your emotions will HARM YOUR position with him.
In the meantime, Michele, you MUST find out who this OW is. I CANNOT EMPHASIZE the importance of this if we are to help you destroy his affair. We MUST KNOW who she is.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Do you exercise? When I was in your shoes I went down to Borders and bought the toughest workout video I could find. I found a tape called "Tough Tape" by the Firm. For the hour that I did that workout, I would LOSE myself in exercise. It was the only reprieve I had from my grief. I also got into excellent physical shape and have not stopped working out since.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Post deleted by JustMichele
Me 37
H 42
Daughters 18 and 16
Continuously working at not taking each other for granted.
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LMAO!
He wants YOU to date to help YOU get over him???
Sounds like he wants YOU to date so that HE can look like the good guy. Cause, once you have moved on, then he will be allowed to without looking bad.
Find the OW!!!!
FBS - 28
Status: Divorced (thankfully)
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Me 37
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