I look forward to meeting with a psych. I haven't spoken to anyone yet that thinks I am going about this the wrong way. Most of those people are on "my side" of course, but my family is VERY pragmatic (typical Midwestern Dutch) and I think they would tell me if I'm behaving irrationally. My IC also doesn't think that I am wrong.

I told my mom that my W's recent actions have wiped away any desire for me to seek reconciliation anymore. I wouldn't say that I have hit my own Point of No Return, but I did cross the threshold of wanting to spend any time or energy on being with her. Now everything I have is focused on my kids. My mom's reply, "Sure. At THIS point in time." and she kind of winked at me. She understands that if I can get more than SPO, I can afford to be magnanimous in victory. I'm not sure how magnanimous my W would be in defeat though. I am prepared to lose any hope with her forever should I win and I could be cutting my nose off to spite my face. Accommodate her now, continue to work on myself, maybe she takes me back in the future and I get it all. Or cut my losses, give up on her, and win half-time with my kids forever.

I'm going with the better odds right now. I suppose the third option is to poison the well completely. Fight, lose my W, and still only get SPO. At least I can tell my kids that I did everything I could. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Seabird, you will never be a ChuckECheese dad. (And because I doubt Newly has read 26 pages of posts on EN, I'd like to say, I don't think you were as negligent as you suggest.)

I also know you will support your children, financially, emotionally and intellectually. I just want to make sure you have realistic expectations.

Working full time and being a full time parent (even if you have 50/50 visitation) is taxing. Read Lexxxy's thread on AFter Divorce for a taste. If you don't quite live up to your own expectations, do not panic or feel like a failure.

I'm glad this weekend was such a success. It shows that both of you are doing a good job. Your children feel confident and secure away from Mommy. That's terrific.

Take care.

We emailed back and forth about expenses just now and I asked her if she's spoken to her attorney. If there's a chance for us to negotiate a way out of this mess.

She won't talk to him until Wed, but she's offering 1st, 3rd, and 5th Wed-Sun until 6pm. My DD will be getting early dismissal every Wed at 12:30 so I can start the day a little earlier if I can get away on my schedule. I don't think that's going to be realistic though. She also offered me every Christmas; 24th-26th (she's Jewish so it's not like she cares anyway).

I replied that I will be meeting with my attorney tomorrow and I want to see if I can get a better deal than that. I don't want to go an entire week without seeing them. I don't think it's fair to me and I don't think that it's fair to them.

I told her how this weekend away proved to me that they can trust me and rely on me. That while they probably missed her, they never whined or cried about it.

I'll see if she responds. At the very least, she finally offered up something concrete instead of putting me off again. That's some progress.

I think we need Newly to run some numbers on this. She’s great at seeing percentages, probablility, weird stuff. So it looks like you’d have the children for 5 days every other week. That’s not terrible. I think that’s not a bad starting point. I’d get the “5th week” nailed down. The 5th week spills over into the first week of the next month. Do you get that time too? If so, this may be very close to 50/50.

Take August. You’d have 8/1 – 8/5, 8/15- 8/19, and 8/29-9/2. Then because 9/5 is the first Wednesday, you’d have them again until 9/9, 9/19 – 9/23. That’s 25 days out of 61.

That’s 41% of the time. Toss in first rights of refusal on babysitting, and you may get close to the 50%.






I think we need Newly to run some numbers on this. She’s great at seeing percentages, probablility, weird stuff. So it looks like you’d have the children for 5 days every other week. That’s not terrible. I think that’s not a bad starting point. I’d get the “5th week” nailed down. The 5th week spills over into the first week of the next month. Do you get that time too? If so, this may be very close to 50/50.

Take August. You’d have 8/1 – 8/5, 8/15- 8/19, and 8/29-9/2. Then because 9/5 is the first Wednesday, you’d have them again until 9/9, 9/19 – 9/23. That’s 25 days out of 61.

That’s 41% of the time. Toss in first rights of refusal on babysitting, and you may get close to the 50%.

You'd better nail down Easter too. That may be tricking since Easter is tied to Passover. Both celebrations are based on the Moon's cycle.

It's not really 5 days though. I think of it in terms of nights, like a vacation. I might be more amenable if I can have Sun night too. Let me take them to school on Monday morning. I wonder what that would do with the percentages.

The wording is odd with 1st, 3 & 5th, vs. a start date ane every two weeks from there. I don't have the time for X's now, but when you say 41% of the time, it doesn't smell right to me.

My X has 5 nights out of 14 or 35.7% of the time. For child support and custody, overnights are what counts, so I'd definitely go for the Sunday overnight.

This schedule means that you won't see your children for almost 10 days straight. No child psych would go for this given their young ages, nor would they go for a 3 YO to not see mom for 5 nights (ie. could be a trap).

More later.

Ooops. Newly is right. It's only 41% when you have them overnight on Sunday. And it could be a trap. I wouldn't turn it down flat, but I wouldn't commit to it either.

Here's what I think I will go for:

1st, 3rd, and 5th Wed-Sun of every month. Basically pick them up from school on Wed, keep them through the weekend, take them to school on the following Mon morning.

Then the 2nd and 4th Thurs night of every night. Again, pick them up from school that day, take them the next morning. Mom gets them from Fri through the next Wed morning. If you count out the nights on the calendar for this year, it basically gives me 12-13 nights a month. I would actually get 15 days on months like March of this year.

How does CS work out when it's not quite 50-50? Is the standard table amended for that?

In my state there's a bizarre calculation and if you go through the state to pay it, you each write checks.

That really is weird. Why don't they just have one person write a check for the difference in the amounts?

Current offer on the table:

1st, 3rd, and 5th Wed-Sun, back to her home by 6pm, plus 2nd and 4th Thurs-Fri. I really want that Sun overnight though. She flat out said no to that part. We'll see what our attorneys have to say.

I've tried to get my X to take the Sunday night to switch for a weeknight, since he constantly complains about the drive (his mom drives for him). But he doesn't. It means I can't go away for long weekends. A control issue perhaps?

Your W may come to regret her Sunday night position.

BTW, did I mention I'm anal retentive. I created a spreadsheet to calculate CS in my state, based on # of overnights per 2 week period. I've written this in posts at least 10 times before, but basically, the state assumes that 25% of the combined parent's salary goes toward caring for the children - basic care - shelter, food, necessities.
First, our state determines the % each parent has. Then, our state totals the salaries $100,000), takes 25% (25,000), then says, mom has them 60% of the time, so she provides $15,000 worth of care by her # of overnights.
But mom only makes $40,000 to Dad's $60,000, so her contribution monetarily is $10,000 (40000*25%). So dad must compensate her for the $5,000 she's unable to provide based on salary, so CS is $5,000/12 or $416/month.
This calc excludes alimony, and who pays for health insurance for the kids. BOth of these are worked into the calc later.

Now, I actually have an excel spreadsheet on this which works very well in my state (recently confirmed again).
What this doesn't say is that the courts don't like if the parent's income is apart by more than 10%, if so, they will make up the difference with alimony or CS.
In the above example, mom ends up with $45,000, dad with $55,000, which means dad has 22% more adjusted money than mom, but less parenting time.


PS, it sounds like you are flying through these negotiations. Be certain this is what you can live with, and build in an reassessment period.

grrrr... I went to my attorney's office for our supposed 1pm meeting only to find that he was away at a mediation. His assistant mistakenly told me to come by today, but she meant Wed. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Now he's not available until next week. I have been emailing the assistant back and forth and I told her what my W's offer was and what I want. She thinks that my W's offer is a good one and doubts that any court will give me the additional Sunday evening. She said that she would run it all by the attorney anyway. She also fears that my W's attorney will try and talk her out of the offer as well.

This is disappointing.

*Approach life and situations from the point of love - not from fear.*

This is in my tag line to remind me of all that I feared. It is similar in your case that X wanted more time. Believe that you are acting in good faith and are trying to find the best solution for your family. You seem to be addressing a plan she put forth, which will look good for you. Remember, atty fees rise when they can get the parties to fight.
In the interim, get Mom's House/Dad's House. Spend some time reading it because I think you'll find some great solutions to many issues your W will present. And you will be informed, rather than acting out of emotion.
I know you wanted the Right of First Refusal, and I think this is a great idea.
Do you also have something in your plan about how far your wife (if she is primary) can move? This is in my agreement, and I met the requirements, and X still fights me about it. It is harder to coparent if you are farther away.

Stay strong, and educate yourself.

Good morning newly. Yes, we have put something in the orders that would restrict her from moving to another county. I got Mom's House/ Dad's House last night and I will start on it today. Thanks.

I moved in the same county and X still complains. How large is your county? (Judge said it was only 25 minutes, and I was not malicious in my move).

From what GG says, you are a good soul. Trust that it will all work out well.

Kind of a funny metro area. There are mutliple independent and incorporated towns actually interspersed within my city's limits, so restricting her city of residence isn't realistic. County is the standard around here. I would HOPE that she will try and stay close. We worked hard to get our DD into a special school for G&T kids that is smack in the middle of town. It would be unfortunate if she decided to move to the outskirts and remove her from that school. I think that keeping her within the county will suffice for me.

Thanks for the kind words and encouragement.

Newly, you are a hoot. I thought I was nuts with my baby spreadsheets.

Seabird, you may want to give in on the Sunday night if your wife is willing to give you Thursday and Fridays of the 2nd and 3rd weeks. That’s a major score and from what I hear about Texas, they are definitely pro-mother.

One thing that Newly pointed out, but often isn’t given a lot of attention when talking about child support, is that it is all about overnights, and doesn’t include anything about clothing, sports equipment, or lessons.

Now, I don’t want to be really Machiavellian, well, I do, but you can work this to your advantage. You’ll have plenty of overnights, and your wife makes good money, so your child support should be pretty fair, and if you don’t have to put all your money into shelter, you can be the one to spring for the sports equipment, the new summer wardrobe for daughter, etc. I’m not saying you become a sugar daddy, but children really see what’s going on. They know which parent is bearing the responsibility. Hopefully, you and your wife will continue to share responsibility, but don’t let her scoop up all the stuff.

Also, if you can establish that you are part of the clothing buying process, it may stand you in good stead when your daughter becomes a teenager. I think when Dads tell their daughters to go back upstairs and get changed because there is no way they are going out dressed like that, it has more power than a mother saying it.

OOOH. I just had a thought. How about stipulating that all dates must pick up the daughter from your place? LOL.

That's good insight there Green. I should be okay financially with standard CS. At least after a little while. If I get that job I am interviewing for, and if the pay increase is what I am hoping for, then money will be less of a concern. My A's legal assistant emailed me back and said that CS isn't really negotiable for the final decree with increased visitation. Maybe for the temp orders, but they all seem convinced that her A is going to dictate what she will decide. In any case, you're right about being mindful of the impression that my kids ultimately have. It really is about them seeing me as a reliable place. Emotionally, physically, and even materially.

Pretty funny about the date stipulation. I'm not worried about it though. Regardless of where he picks her up and where they go, I will be right behind them in my car keeping a close eye on things. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

LOL.