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Joined: Jun 2007
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How did today go? I hope she chose you.. It is awful that she is doing this. What does she say about the kids? I mean she must know one day they could find out about it.


Me - 26 & Hubby - 27
In Love since 10/99
Married 6/01' - love our 2 sons ages 4 & 6
Problem: Communicating & Making Time for Our Marriage.
Status: Started Recovery June 11, 2007 -Our marriage is happier & stronger then ever - It's been a year and we are SUCCESSFUL!

Completely head over heels in love with my romantic hubby
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ok she didnt go to the party where OM was going to be and she didnt go out with me either she stayed home with our boys... she told me she can see my point why I dint want her to go to the party... but she just said she wanted to go cus her mom was going and didnt think it was going to be a big deal... its not like she was going to be alone with OM.

I think she didnt go cus I told her that if she did there was no coming back!! and she wasnt ready to make that choice yet... I realy think she would have went if I didnt say that.... she just left for work now and I asked her if she is staying at my house tonight or her mothers... she said she didnt know.... all her stuff is still at her mothers.. and she doesnt want to take it all out until she knows what she is doing.

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Well that's a *small* victory - but there's still plenty unresolved that's for sure. At least she knows you are serious about your boundaries and that is a good thing.

How are *you* feeling today?

JinGA


F/40, DD15 DS13 M 1989 DDay his EA May 1998. S Aug 2004. D Dec 05. I filed. 4/07 Post-D Plan A with 180, with hopes of R. 6/23/07 XH said no to R. 8/24/07 Went on a date with someone new, "B". 1/22/08 Still seeing B, life is good! Learning and growing each day. Ask me about Geocaching!
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feeling alright today.. it does feel like a small victory.. but I still dont feel like I should get my hopes up... i droped her off at work and she wouldntt give me a kiss goodbye... she will kiss me in our house but not in public.. cus she tells everyone that we are just talking when they ask if we are back together.

I emailed her some stuff to read about withdrawl and she read it and I think she is starting to understand it.

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this is what Mr. Goodstuff replied to me original post.. I didnt know how to bmup it over.



It seems to be a bit unfortunate but your wife is behaving like a classic “cake eater”. She has you and she has him. She may continue in this manner if you permit it. But your choices are limited because your objective is to have her end it with the OM and return to the marriage. To complicate matters it appears to me from what I have gleaned from your posts that your wife does not think that she has already committed an act of infidelity. To state it clear so that there can be no misunderstanding “your wife is in the throes of an affair”. The physical aspects such as intercourse are a foregone conclusion on her present course. In fact, you should be prepared that the affair has already progressed to a physical state. Regardless, the advice to you is based on the emotional connection that your wife has made with a man outside your marriage and it matters little whether or not there was a physical side. In fact your issues would be much easier to counsel if your wife’s affair were only of a physical nature.

So, everything that is described above is the very typical “wayward spouse”. Your wife hardly has the market cornered. She wonders if the feelings she has developed for the other man are some kind of significant sign that she has found her “soul mate”. She questions that her love for you may never have been real in view of the fact that she has become attracted to another. Perhaps she may protest that the love that she feels for the other man is a chance occurrence that happened simply because it was “mean to be”.

Of course, none of what is described above are legitimate reasons for the actions that have happened. They are merely excuses for the simple fact that your wife ALLOWED someone access to what was reserved solely for husband and wife. Further, she really has no understanding of what inspires love between two people and how such love occurs and sustains itself. These are the things that she has yet to learn and I am willing to wager that you are as ill-informed as she is. This too, is normal. Right now, what you need to know is that, if she allows it, she can love you again. Remember this, ANYONE can fall in love with someone else, IF they both allow it to happen, even you.

You are unfortunately “where you are” and the ONLY way to open the door to reconciliation is for your wife to end ALL contact with the other man. She likely knows that what she is doing is the “wrong thing” but so long as the other man remains a part of your love triangle she will be unable to understand what has happened to her and will thus rationalize her way to create reasons why she should leave you for him.

So your first step, before any other step, is to not enable the affair in any fashion. In fact, anything you do to help end the affair will benefit your marriage. What can you think of? Prepare a list of any and every way that you can think of that will make her ongoing affair more difficult. Note, that you already have her back in the house and that is a good thing, but it falls far short of “getting the job done”. What else can you do? Consider exposing the affair to whoever might help end it. What about the OM’s mother?

I have to run now but, please, think about this. NO CONTACT is the key.

Mr. G

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wow thank you that is some good advice... I never thought of talking to OM mother .. I dont know her but from what I hear she is a realy nice person... butwill this push my wife further away?... I realy think she might just lose it if I talk to OM mother... but it does seem like a good idea.

how do I bump your thread over to my other thread I started a new one.. "titled wife wants to see OM"

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having a bad day today!! went to the drive-in last night with the wife and kids.. thoyght it would be good cus it was something we always use to do with the kids... but I could tell she did not realy want to go and when we got there she just sat ther and I could tell she wasnt happy.

kids fell asleep after first movie so we talked... she said the same ol ****** .. doesnt know what to do... are her feelings for OM true.... if she comes back home she thinks everything is going to be the same... bla .. bla ..bla.

I am realy just getting tired of hearing about this OM and her wanting to see him... it just kills me .. I cant take it anymore.... I was kinda hard on her last night... I asked her does she have any morals... and when we took our vows it was to death do us part... and not until I have feelings for someone else.... and I aslo said to her when Lucas turns say 16 he is 7 now... are you going to be able to look him in the eye and tell him you left daddy for another man?... she started to cry and said you dont think I think about that... she said that I was just putting guilt on her and she doesnt think she should come back just for guilt.

she told me she went on the internet today to try and find some help..... her main question is how does she know what is right and wrong.... she says she realy doesnt know... despite everything i tell her..... she wants to know how is she supose to tell if the OM is the wrong answer... and she tells me thats why she wants to see him so she can figure it out on her own... she says she might look at him and only think of me... but she might not.

she wont post on here cus she doesnt want me to read what she says.

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Here is something your W may find helpful. I would suggest she read "After the Affair", by Janis Spring. The book is set up and addresses BS separately from WS. It gives both POV's and questions to ask yourself.

Here is what is says at the start of Chapter 3.

"Once an affair is out in the open, you need to decide whether to work on rebuilding your relationship or end it. Whichever you decide, I encourage you to choose it deliberately, and not to act on feelings alone.. Feelings, no matter how intense, are based on assumptions that are often highly subjective and may prove to be unrealistic, unuseful or untrue. What feels right to you now you may later regret as an impulsive and unprocessed responsee that can't be easily reversed."

Have your W read what I posted and see if she would be interested in reading the book. She could start by just reading the parts addressed to the unfaithful partner.

I thought this would be relevant based on what you posted she said.


LC

Last edited by lifeschoice; 07/04/07 04:30 PM.




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I have your email thanx... so you will email her the message board?... she realy need someone to talk to and not her family.

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Yes, I will email her the website. I did have a message from an addy I didn't recognize. Did you send me a message already? If so I will reply. There wasn't a message attached and didn't want to send anything affair related to an unsuspecting party.

Edited to add: I don't want to post it here because this site would be incredibly painful for a BS to read. I caution you to not read there initially. I posted there back in 03-04. Once I confessed my H wanted to know about the message boards I had posted on and he read some of my posts. Witnessing my withdrawal almost made him physically ill.

LC

Last edited by lifeschoice; 07/04/07 04:45 PM.




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well not doing good... LC I went out and bought the book and read it for about 3 hrs last night ... it is a realy good book and I think it will help my wife... it pertained to alot of questions she has been asking herself... so I was going to give her the book today .. only I recieved a phone call from her 7:30 am to tell me she seen OM last night... she said it was nothing his mother was there and her sister was there.... and get this MY KIDS where there... she said she went to see him cus she promised OM son she would make a scrapbook with him and that is the only reason why she went... but then she tells me my boys got along great with OM son.... so i sent her an email today let me know what you guys think.

my email I sent to wife....

ok where do I start... I could go on for hrs....4 months back I take even amount of blame why we split up... and I understood why it happened and back then I realy did believe that you where not thinking straight and I should wait .... and from ppl I talked to back then they told me I should wait no matter how paINFUL IT IS... cus your wife will come around and think things over... I did the best i could!!! but now I do believe you have a level head and know the consequesses of your actions... you knew how I felt about you seeing chris and yet you still only think of yourself and not the ppl you hurt in the proscess... ya ay you need to figure it out for yourself and see if your feeling are true.... well its not like buying a new dress.. you have choices to make... the old dress that you loved and still love for 15 yrs or this new sexy dress that is going to make you feel good... problem is you love that dress you had for 15 yrs.. and you dont want to through it away and get rid of it... but you still would like to have that sexy dress.... problem is that the sexy dress does fade away and become old then do you though that dress away... you get my point... fix that old dress maybe cut it shorter do whatever it takes so you dont have to part ways with it..... thing is tracy I am not going to be here while you try both dresses on... and see what one fits better!!

the fact that my kids where there realy hurts... and you should know this .... its good to see Luc(my son) got along with his possible new extended family and you had some good bonding time with yours... just makes me feel great!! angain only thinking about yourself.

if you get the book chapter one will tell you how I felt through this whole thing and just about all them where right on the money and kinda makes feel that I am not alone... although I did have most of the feelings a women would have if they where the hurt spouse.... if you get a chance to read it .. it might help you understand how much pain I actualy went through... this was a quote from a girl in the book " I was molested as a child and the pain that I felt when my husband cheated on me was much more great... I was raped by a complete stranger ... I was hurt by the love of my life the one person you are supose to trust not to ever hurt you the pain doesnt compare"

chapte 2 explains what you went through and how you were also hurt and how you justifeid it in your head for doing what you do... and I do understand it all.

focuss reading chapter 3 and 4.

I am going to ask you to keep the kids for awhile .... I hope you read the book and find your answers..... I only got half way through ch 4 .. I was up for 3 hrs reading it l;ast night... I just need time alone... you can do what you want ... I just hope you read the book... and maybe you will see your answers...... but in the mean time to me you already threw that old dress away...

good luck with everything and I wish you well..... I am not going to be that old dress to come out of the closet every now and then.... I now i am a good person and a good father and was a good husband.... someday you will realize it and wished you tried to fix things... I know I did everything I can to best of my knowlkedge to get through this.

I just cant get over the fact that you knew it would hurt me and still did it.... I would never intentianl hurt you... to better myself.

I know we have kids and I ask you to keep them for awhile until I get through this.... and if you need me just keep it to emails for the time beeing.

godd luck

love you always

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this was her reply....


Johnny.............stop.................im not only thinking of myself
all ive done is thinkabout you and the boys...thats why I havent just
moved on......come on you have to know that......you are a big part of
my life and you know that I love you .... always


then my reply

yes I do believe you think about me .... but yet you still choose to hurt
the ones you love and love you... i try my best to understand it ....all I
know is i tell myself I will get through this cus I am a good person!!

the one fact that I read about men scares me is that the less contact I have with you my love for you will fade...... but right now I am just going to
let you be... and try and help myself.

kiss the boys each night for me.

take care of yourself tracy from the inside first.

love you always

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I hope you are planning to stay in your home. If you leave, she can say that you abandoned your family.

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oh yes I am not going anywhere... she is still at her mothers... but i will not let her stay here anymore.. as she has been staying a night here and there.

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Miss my wife,

Sorry about my confusion, I got an email from a name I didn't recognize, I assume it was you or your W, but wanted to be sure before I sent the info I told you about. Did either of you email me a blank message?

I have a message ready for your W, if it comes to you please forward it to her.

LC





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yes I sent you a blank page by accident... I sent your email to my W... but she only has access to a puter at work I told her she can come here and use the computer whenever she wants... she came and got the book anyway so i guess she is going to read it first.

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I'm sending the message as soon as I post this. Perhaps you can share it with her.

I am sorry you are going through this. I certainly hope she comes out of the fog and sees what she is doing.

LC





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W called me this morning... she was upset and wanted to see me....but I told her I just need some time alone now... i dont know if that was the right thing to say or not... but I do want to be alone right now... and I dont want to just jump right back into her arms cus she wants me now.

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Did she mention if she has been reading the book?





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yes she has...LC

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