We just celebrated our 31 year Anniversary on Tuesday. My H left me roses and a card that said..."I love you more than ever"....

I celebrated our 27 year ANNIVERSARY ALONE..during PLAN B...at that time I told myself that I HAD TO STAY DARK in order to get to the place where we are today....

HE HAS TO MISS YOU TODAY..HE HAS TO KNOW THAT YOU ARE SERIOUS ENOUGH ABOUT THIS TO NOT COMMEMORATE THE ANNIVERSARY...

I guarantee that he EXPECTS something from you as an indication of your continued love for him...

You see, my H was counting on me sitting there WAITING FOR HIM..

He was counting on me being his FALLBACK in case it didn't work with her...

You want him to to get to the place of being afraid of losing you..

You want him to get to the place of YEARNING for you..

You want him to come back BEGGING AND PLEADING for a taste of YOU...

GOT IT????

Got it, Mimi!

That is why I wrote down the thought VS doing it. I KNEW it was a bad idea, but you know the hurt and longing behind the thougt.

So, instead I DID just order flowers to be delivered to me at work! The card will read 'YOU ARE LOVED'. And I feel GREAT about that, becuase I Do deserve it and I AM loved!

BTW- I do continuously pray for Drac, especially when I am thinking unkind thoughts about him! It helps ME as much as it does him when I do that, I think.

I can't wait to get my flowers!! I ordered a 'surprise' florsit designed bouquet so I do not know what it will look like!

That was an awewsome idea BUGS!

Bring them home with you tonight and leave them in the room where [censored] drac gets his mail.

What are your plans this weekend? More packing and organizing? Anything "fun"?

A pedicure sounds like heaven!! I need one!

Whats the countdown on moving day?

I think tonight I will take INeeds advise and take the kids out for dinner

Tomorrow, Drac's aunts & cousins have invited us to go to the water park with them, so am putting packing on hold and going! We ALL need some fun!

Sat night and sunday back to packing.

7 days to closing on the house

11 days until DD and I spend our first night in the house

12 days to the start of school

15 days to the Move!

I have refrained from also giving the countdown in hours and minutes!!LOL!

HAd a thought about DSS...this is tough, and you will have to really gauge your relationship with him, but let him have a choice here...ask him what he wants from you. Ask him if he wants you to get some school supplies with you, if he wants to join in the shopping...heck, you can always send the receipt to Drac. This will be tough so you don't put DSS in the middle, but help him feel like he has some control over the situation and can begin to define your R with him...

Hi Bugs!

I did the anniversary (26th) thing back last May. I started my last thread that day. It was a bummer day until everyone from MB jumped into my thread and had a party. It had me laughing all day. The people here are great.

I just thought I would pop in and wish you the best for today.

- chrisner

LMAO...you sound like me counting down now...watch out that can be obessive!!!!

Court 42 days to go!
Final D-day 232 days to go!
POWS served 133 dAYS ago!
We left 148 days ago!

Is that bad or is that bad!

LMAO...wait...36.5% done with this D! LMAO...

(please let me you are laughing!)

Rin,

YES I AM laughing! Don't worry. God's carrying me today so I am doing really well!

StillHere,

I am giving serious thought to your suggestion but need some time to mull things over. I like the idea of finding ways for DSS to feel he has some control. I will post later about my added concerns for him right now.

Chris, thanks for stopping by. You are right that being here at MB helps this day not suck quite so much! LOL!

Later

Bugs, hang in there girl. I celebrated, or didn't celebrate, my 9th anniversary, with my GF (PWC had left two one week prior). We drank some wine and talked. I did cry a bit, just to get it out, but I let the day pass, because it was a relief to NOT be dealing with the WAYWARD.

My 8th anniversary was just awful, so no celebrating there, and my 10th went by this year (while in recovery) with just a whimper. PWC sent me a bouquet of daisies, roses and lily's, all YELLOW. It was lovely, but that was it. No huge HURRAHS or gift exchanges. Maybe next year.

Good idea to have some fun with the kiddies; summer is only so long, and you don't wanna miss out on hot summer fun.

My DS starts kindergarten this year, so I am very excited, and sad that he's growing up so fast. It's crazy how quickly the time passes, so enjoy every moment that you can with those kids.

Bugs:

Tommorrow will be 2years from Dday.

Wedding Anniversay?

We don't celebrate that any longer.

We celebrate Dday.

You will find out later, when your H returns, what you want to celebrate. Together.

In the meantime, it's just another day on the calendar.

The wine is chilling in the fridge.

Drac may or may not realize what day it is. But before the A, he might not have remembered either. Remember that. Also, YOU do not have to worry about what DRAC is doing.

(((BUGS)))

LG

Hey SL,

10 years! Wow! While I know that you are still in a rough place in recovery, give yourself some kudos here, ok? I know it's not perfect YET, but you will get there. You have the basic roadmap via MB so there is so much hope, although a lot of hard work ahead for you. Keep that special faith and attitude I have come to admire so much! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

DSS starting kindergarten,,,,,,,,,my DD going into 1st grade and DSS in 8th grade this year. Where DOES the time go?

LG,

I can't believe your DDay is the day after my Anniversary. I think it is very special that you & Flamingo now celebrate that day vs the wedding day.

I will allow myself the one thought of Drac in that he did always remember my birthday & our anniversary. Roses were always the thing,,,, a dozen for every year of our wedding.

But, you know what? I absolutely LOVE my little bouquet of sunflowers and lilys that are now sitting on my desk!

I am leaving in 30 minutes for that pedicure and a bottle of CHAMPAGNE is chilling in my refrigerator right now! I will be popping that open when I go to soak in my bubble bath tonight after the kids are asleep!

The rest of today is about me enjoying me and my kids. No worries.

Thanks everyone for the encouragement!

Cool beans, Bugsy! You sound like you've got a nice evening ahead of you. Enjoy the weekend, maybe whistle while you pack...

Am sitting in the big chair having my pedicure right now! Just kicked back and relaxing!

Maybe I will strech it and have a manicure, too!

I've been trying to IGNORE you guys this afternoon...

Mimi, whose oldest son finished college a few years ago and YS is a senior in college..

Just call me SENIOR GODDESS!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Bugs:

The way I get through each day, as I think of my husband. I remember the old days together, and when I think about the bad now, I think of a bad looking guy being the puppetier for my husband. That's what Satan is right now. Our husbands have no control over themselves. Satan pulls one string and then the next. But eventually God's words will weaken the strings and when they fall from the stick then the puppetier won't have control over them anymore.

God is working in our husbands. We have to sit back and relax, because the Lord plans great things for us, and it will take HIM time to pound our husbands and mold them into something good enough for us. As you grow closer to the Lord and get more goddess like, Drac will have to come up to your level.

Think of it this way. We took the elevator straight to the top. Our husbands have to take the stairs, because their elevator broke. In the midst of climbing the stairs turned into a slide. So instead of asking someone for help they are the fools only getting half way up and sliding back again. Once they ask God for help, the stairs will re-appear and they will be able to get to the top.

By the time they reach the top, we will be perfected. God has already been molding us into being the perfect helper he intended for us to be for our husbands.

When you think to yourself why is he acting this way read Romans chapter 7 verses 14-25 and read it over and over and over again.

I like this version from the NIV better than the King James.

14 We know that the law is holy. But I am not. I have been sold to be a slave of sin. 15 I don't understand what I do. I don't do what I want to do. Instead, I do what I hate to do. 16 I do what I don't want to do. So I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, I am no longer the one who does these things. It is sin living in me that does them.

18 I know there is nothing good in my sinful nature. I want to do what is good, but I can't. 19 I don't do the good things I want to do. I keep on doing the evil things I don't want to do. 20 I do what I don't want to do. But I am not really the one who is doing it. It is sin living in me.

21 Here is the law I find working in me. When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22 Deep inside me I find joy in God's law. 23 But I see another law working in the parts of my body. It fights against the law of my mind. It makes me a prisoner of the law of sin. That law controls the parts of my body.

24 What a terrible failure I am! Who will save me from this sin that brings death to my body? 25 I give thanks to God. He will do it through Jesus Christ our Lord.

So in my mind I am a slave to God's law. But in my sinful nature I am a slave to the law of sin.


GOD IS SO GREAT.

I have a song called Jesus never fails and I sing it all day long. Jesus will not fail as long as we don't give up.
We have to keep our strength and endurance. We have begun the race and will not give up til we reach the finish line.

I know that there are instances when God may not bring our guys back, but HE will let you know. If I listened to others I would have been out of here months ago. It is our choice to follow God. You either follow God or Satan there is no inbetween. I love knowing that God knew from the beginning who would be saved and who would perish. The only thing he did not have planned out was how we would be saved. That is our decision.

I believe with all my heart that when someone starts out with goodness in them that they will end up good. I believe that this is their way of being saved.

It will work out. We will be able to look back at these days and laugh about it years from now. Think back to how your life was before Drac left. Can you say it was great ? Now look at it. You are stronger. The kids are loving you. You are getting a closer bond with them. God is smiling at you and you are earning bonus points for taking your stand for your marriage, and when Drac does come home, you will be more in love with him than ever.

Hope this helped.

God bless you today.

Bugs - consider the anguish of AmiOK when her then wayward was threatening to keep her stepchildren away from her.

Please treat your DSS the same way you would treat your daughter. Buy his school supplies. Leverage child support for him too, but take care of his needs and show the dear boy that at least one mother isn't going to let him go so easily.

Good morning, all!

INeed, thanks, as always for the inspiration. I will try to use those visuals when I do let my mind wander to Drac. Right now, it is exceedingly difficult, as I am very angry about the destruction Drac is leaving in his wake.

Particularly, DSS. Yesterday, my mind was mostly on him and not myself. We had a talk Thurs. night when he had an explosion of anger when DD mentioned something about Drac and the Ho being "boyfriend & girlfriend" because they kiss on the lips in front of the kids. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

We had a long talk, but I mostly tried to focus on getting help with controlling his anger. He had some counseling on it a bit at the end of last year in school and did fairly well with the school counselor..

Well, yesterday was a repeat, only worse. It happened several times at the sitter's house and again at home. Plus he acted up all day long, being disrespectful, biligerent, not listening, causing fights with his sister, etc. He is directing his anger at everyone BUT the one responsible for the situation. He doesn't understand that and I am not qualified to help him see it. I am very, very worried. He doesn't want to talk about it. He doesn't want anyone else to talk about it. He doesn't want to hear it. Total denial and thinking it will all be ok if everybody just "shuts up".

He also said things like "arne't they entitled to their privacy?" and "It's Dad's decision, nobody else's business". It was like having Drac sitting there in front of me justifying his decisions, again not seeing or understanding the devestation that is being left in his wake, including the damage to himself.

I have absolutely no legal rights. I want to get him into counseling, but will not be here to make it happen. I can't talk to Drac about it, I have tried. He believes I am making it up and/or coaching DSS to say the things he does to me. The sitter has tried to talk to Drac, as has his Dad. He continues to tell everyone that DSS is "better than he has been in a long time". DSS will not share with Drac what he shares with me, so this is NOT going to get any better and I don't know what to do about it.

I am at a complete loss. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

The only idea I have had so far is that I am going to call the school counselor next week and go see him. I want to tell him the situation and ask that he try to help my son in my absence. I don't know what else to do.

I am open for suggestions.

BTW - my A sent a letter to Drac's that is going to really PI$$ him off when he gets it. Basically says he's been coming in the house and taking things without talking to me about it and going through my things. If he needs to be in the house before our next court date, he needs to make arrangements via the attorneys. Also, she put in a sentence about my being concerned for my safety, which I am not, but boy oh boy is that going to really set him off! Glad I am in the DARK


Kayla - - - I have started getting things for BOTH kids for
school. I couldn't do anything less.

So, getting ready to go to the water park today for a really FUN time. I hope DSS has a better day today.

Bugs

Hang in there with DSS. Twice in my teaching career (so far) I have had students who were with their X-step parent because that parent was the one who was willing to BE a parent for the step-kid. Those parents are such heroes in my eyes.

Great idea to talk to DSS's school counselor. Some of them are very qualified to help with these kinds of things, especially at the middle school level.

A counselor for DSS would be safe place for him, because those conversations are private (they can't be shared with parents) unless there are allegations of abuse-which isn't the case here.

Your DSS vents to you because he feels safe with you. He is afraid to tell his dad his real feelings because he is sooo very angry and it feels totally uncomfortable to mad at his dad. And boys have a hard time expressing their emotions. One of the things I've learned (having a twin brother and two sons) is that boys do better talking about things if they are doing something else, not sitting and talking face-to-face like females do. Even just talking in the car when they are facing forward can open up some real conversation. Or drawing pictures, playing video games etc. Also, they sometimes have difficulty saying what they feel. It can help to give them the words and then tell them if that's how they feel, what they are feeling is normal.

My DS15 was bottled up with anger and confusion. The words I gave him were something like this "I bet you feel really mad at your dad and at the same time you still love him. I bet you feel that you are disloyal to him because you are angry and confused by his actions." I paused while he processed (this was in the car). Then I said "That's normal. It's okay to be mad at him."

That seemed to help. Later, when XH was willing to have a sit down with DS, I let DS dictate what he wanted to say to his dad, but didn't want to have to put into words. I shared the information with XH before they went out for lunch. (I even gave the words to XH so he could let DS know that it was okay). I know Drac isn't ready for that kind of thing. Maybe the time will come.

There's a book I got for DS15 that I heard about on the radio show Family Life Today. It's called "Six String Rocketeer" by Jesse Butterworth, and it's his book on keeping your life together when your parents' are falling apart. It's very middle school appropriate-not very long with easy, short chapters.

Hope this helps a little.

JT,

Thanks very much for your thoughtful and helpful reply!

I do usually try to have our "talks" in the car a lot, as I have seen what you have, that it seems a bit easier for him in the non-face to face situation.

Well, Drac's playing around a bit more. He sent email that i had filtered. I was told that it said he's made arrangements for "the bills" to be sent to his Dad's, and asked if in the meantime I get anything it's OK to send it thru DSS. Funny, they don't get mail at his Dad's. Wonder where it REALLY is going.


Oh, then the GAMES begin. He's "made arrangements to have the satellite TRANSFERED to his Dad's" and that I should SEND the RECIEVERS and the REMOTES with DSS when I drop him off tomorrow OR his Dad will come pick them up.

Guess that means that as of Monday I don't get satellite TV anymore. I have told him SEVERAL times that I will pay that bill if he'd let me know how much it is and when it is due. He never did.

So, guess DD and I will be watching local channels and playing DVDs for the next 2 weeks. The thing is, I KNOW he did not TRANSFER this. His Dad already has Satellite tv at his house. So, either he's taking it to the HO's house or he's just playing games with me. Perhaps he did get the letter about staying out of the house and his A told him he'd better!!!

The only one he is hurting is DD. I could take or leave tv for the most part. I will be sure to erase all of the DVR recorded things.

So, do I send with DSS?? I think instead I will have FIL come pick them up. Will give me a chance to talk to him. I will know for sure then if it is a transfer or a game. It really doesn't matter, though, does it?

THOUGHTs??? COMMENTS????

What an A$$. Does he think that I am so simple minded and CRAZY that I'm going to let something like that bother me. WEll, let him celebrate what he thinks is a WIN. I don't care.

If he did "transfer" it will cost him to "transfer" back when he moves back here. Unless he is NOT moving back here,, but as I learned today, he's talking about moving to the same town as the HO, perhaps even moving in with her?? Then he'll be trying to stick me with 1/2 the house payment here til it sells??? Ok, let's not get too far ahead here.

#1.Most important thing. DD and I will be out of here in 2 weeks. I will talk to DSS's counselor before we are gone and continue to do what I can for him, the best I can.

And, so the darkness continues.

Someone chime in here, PLEASE!!! Needing some support right now!

Oh, and how do I go about communicating the pick up of the stuff ???

Forget to send it until you move? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.