Bugs:

Personally?

I think your one "blowing a kiss" his way to having him all over you.

So.

Either tighten up your ship and keep your distance, or let him in closer.

Cause that's what he wants.

He wants those EN's that you still fill, filled.

And if he can get some more, he will.

Pride do not necessarily go beforeth the possibility of some SF.

And I think that Drac is realizing that he might get a shot.

I'm not critizing "Plan Bugs". I just know the wayward mind better.

And Drac IS interested.

So tighten it up a bit.

No, you do not have to hide, but make yourself a little more aloof.

(((Bugsy)))

LG

Hey LG!



Funny you mention pride not necessarily going before the possibility of some SF. I was thinking along those terms myself today. I determined that in order for me to have some SF, my PRIDE and EVERYTHING I worked for this past year would be smashed to bits if I opened the door to Drac and allowed that to happen,,,,,as much as I really would like it to! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

In so many ways, I want you to be right,,,, that he does want those needs filled AND filled by me.

Yet I DO see that he is not yet in a place for me to do that. His Pride MUST fall first.

It was re-enforced to me late this afternoon. I had a call from my attorney. Drac has completed the re-finance of the house and the $$ should be released on Friday. The title company called my A and said they'd have a check for me for X dollars,,,,,but that at the same time I would have to sign paperwork stating he has complied and fulfilled his court ordered obligation.

OUCH. Another little stab to my heart.

I will call the title company back tomorrow and make arrangements to go there on Monday. That way I take no chance of running into Drac,,,,he could be there Friday doing his paperwork or at his A office, which is right next door.

Well, the good thing is that I'll have all of the settlement $$. I can start to make a plan for changing 'offical' ownership of the house to me and get some long term financial advise and plans in order.

Am off to get DD early,,,,,,,,trick or treating tonight in our MATCHING Girl Pirate Costumes!! WHOOO HOO!

You sound great, Bugs. Happy Halloween!

Hey SD,

Do I really sound great?? Thanks!

Frankly, I 'feel" Ok,,,

I think I 'look' pretty good,,,,

but I worry/wonder about the frequent "Drac Attacks" I seem to have.

Wishing I didn't still want him, but alas, I do. Actually, I don't want Drac,,,he'd suck the blood & the life right out of me!!

Want my H. Miss him a lot. And then LG had to mention the old SF,,,,,,,,,,wow,,,,what a distant memory THAT has become! LOL!

Ok, maybe a meet myself a great Goblin or Zombie tonight!! he he!

This made me think about your girl pirate costume. Oh wait, that's not what you meant.

So, you're not done yet. And you know that you're not done yet, and that's where you seem strong. You understand what it means and what the risks are and what the possibilities are. You seem to know what you're doing. I admire your togetherness (togetherhood?).

From my perspective, you are right not to be done. You may be divorced, but I think it's far from over (unless you decide that it is over).

SF stands for San Francisco, right?

((Bugs))

I dunno Bugsy.. I think I might be with lousygopher here..

I think Plan Bugs might just have a few more windows and doors in it than you're ready for.

I'm not exactly one to talk.. my modified Plan B is filled with kindness and warmth when I do interact with her.. and it seems to be having some results.

It also lets me hurt and agonize about this more than I should as I 'let go'..

It was a beautiful image you crafted about your walk with God.. I'm going to copy that and keep that folded up in a page of my journal.. I hope I can look back down the road and have the same vision.

You really are doing great.. just, if you find yourself hurting more than normal about this.. tighten it up like LG said.. you can still keep a Plan B in your pocket like Orchid says.. to protect Bugs.

Sd,

Well, since you mention it,,,, the Pirate Girl Costume DID look pretty HOT! It would have been more so, but I wore pants under it, as last night was 'family' oriented! Couldn't do much to cover up the cleveage though!! LOL!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

SF - yeahhh, San Francisco,,,, that's the ticket,,,, that's what I meant! Which is true, because Drac did take me on a surprise trip there once,,,,,,,, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

James,

Doors & windows - nice visual! You may be right that there are too many in Drac's view right now, but I think having given him a glimpse of them is OK - MAYBE, just MAYBE they will make him think of them,, of ME ,,,as coming HOME someday. I still hope so.

So, we had a GREAT time last night & both of us did look good in our matching costumes. DD called Drac when we were in the car, so unfortunately, I did hear his voice a bit. He truly does miss her, I could hear it in his voice.

I talked to DSS, , they went to the 'usual' friend's house for Halloween where we would always go. Makes sense, though, because that is what Drac did before we met. Wonder if they thought about us?? I know,,, take my own advice and 'don't go there', right?

So, Drac is to have DD tonight. I am leaving her dance things at the front door. I will have to email him to remind him she has class tonight and to pick her things up for her beforehand.

I will close up the doors a bit tonight when he drops off. No glimpses of Bugs thru the door or the window tonight.

Gotta run,,,

Give without motive, with the thought of expectation, because Bugsy WANTS to, because it fills Bugsy UP.

But always be wary of a wayward trying to climb thru that opened window.

He's liable to break in, trip over something, running into the kitchen island, where you left a carving knife out, slash his side with it, then sue you for damages. Zoiks! Keep an eye on those windows...

Hey all!

Silent,,,,you slay me! ZOINKs and Jenkies!!

Sent Drac email saying I figured he was taking DD to dance class tonight, told him her bag was between the front doors and gave him the info on where & when to go. I really do think he needs to go to her classes,,,,it's what she is interested in and I know it would mean a lot to her for him to be there to watch her.

he replied that he planned "Daddy time" tonight.

I asked if that meant she was skipping class or if he was bringing her home for me to take her

He said "She IS skipping class"

I didn't bother to reply. It really felt like he was trying to pick a fight with me, but I don't play that!

At quarter to 5 he emails and says he decided to leave it up to DD on what she wanted to do and that she wanted to go to class because they were wearing their Halloween costumes,,,and did I leave it, too??

I said no, but that although I had plans to be out, I could run by the house and leave it for HER.

He asked if I "had time to stay so she could come in and change"

I replied that I would "Make time".

He at least said thanks. Truth is, I have no plans tonight (obviously), but that's not his business. Also, it became obvious that he now has a Blackberry, as his emails were from his ususal address,,,,,,,,,Interesting.

He then sends a TM on the phone as I am driving home wanting to know "what's up with DD's makeup?"

I replied "what makeup" He said she had on eye makeup. Yeah,,,,, like I know ALLOW a SIX YEAR OLD to wear eye makeup?? I just replied "Halloween" I wanted to add DUH!, but I didn't.

I'd barely gotten into the house to find her costume when she walked in the door. I got her changed and back out the door while he waited in the car. The blinds were closed and I never went close to the door. I left my car parked in the driveway and not in the garage,,, because I was going out! LOL! It's now in the garage.

So, lots of 'interaction' via email,,,,,,,,,,,,,but Bugs is BUSY BUSY BUSY.

Acutally, I am a bit busy, , , will fill you in later on the weekend plans - - I am going to have some FUN!

You're sounding great Bugs..

Watch out that deception doesn't become your method of dealing with Drac... that'll certainly be a bad foundation to build upon if you ever 'wink' at em..

Just pointing out the orange barrels on the side of the road.. you're doing real good!

((((Bugs))))

James,

GPS systems are in place,,, thanks for making sure of that!

I hear you,,,I think it's pretty minor what I did tonight. It made ME feel better, which is the Main point.


Lexxy,

I just read this post of yours,,,,,,,,,,



WOW = WOW = I could hear DRAC in that. I really could. I KNOW he doesn't TRUST that the changes he saw in me during Plan A were sincere, long lasting, and for real! I KNOW it. I KNOW it was what 'helped' him keep walking down the D path,,,,,,,,,along with a lot of other things (HO, , DUH)

I just wanted to say thanks for that post. It helps me know that even where I am,,,,,, that the changes I have made in ME,,, the ones that are REAL are there. Someday, Drac will see that.

Granted, it will most likely be too late - but for some reason it makes me feel better to have read your post. How WEIRD is that? Does anyone understand what I am feeling?

It's like today,,,,,when he tried to pick a fight with me and I didn't bite. The OLD Bugs would have Jumped at the chance and pointed out what an A$$ he was,,,I would have gone straight down a path in making assumptions at what he was saying, thinking, and feeling. I would have helped that grow into a problem.

No more. And when I didn't,,,,,,there he was again.

Or am I just waaaaay off base here???

Oh wow.....

Lexxxy's post hits home with me too.

I could hear those exact words come out of IQ's mouth... matter of fact, in a round about way.. I think I have.

Wow..

So I guess the answer then.. is consistency.. of course, we knew that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Wow... you know.. it's awesome we have such great folks here to help us out.

Read a story a while back and I keep getting reminded of this message. In the case of Lexxxy's post it really applies to help us understand what the thought processes might be on the other side:

God doesn't always send us angels.. sometimes He uses regular people.

Thank you God for Lexxxy tonight.

DD came in the door earlier than expected - but that was a good thing. I was downstairs doing laundry and then wasn't even tempted to look outside.

She had a good time & I think was happy her Daddy was there to watch her dance.

She asked me, "so where were you out PARTYING"

I looked at her in disbelief and said, "What?! why would you ask that?"

She said that Daddy said you were out 'partying' tonight.

yeah,,,with 1 1/2 hours free time, I'm the Party Queen!

Now, granted, Drac uses the term "partying" very, very loosely. He jokes with the kids that they are going to "party like rock stars" when talking about planning for any given day,,,,,,,,,,,,but it surprised me.

She normally says NOTHING about what he says and NEVER asks me what I've been doing when she is with him.

Is it possible,,,,,,he is actually giving a second thought to what I may or may not be doing? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

(((Bugs)))

Does it matter what he's thinking if he isn't beating down your door begging you for forgiveness?

Keepin strong for Bugs!!

Could just be that he mentioned you were going out partying to DD.. and she just wants to know what kind of fun you're having without her..

Possible but irrelevant until he does a lot more than think about it. Keep on keepin' on.

(((Bugs)))

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> He's manipulative, Bugs. He's her Dad. He knew how to get her to say that to you.

His MOI, using his daughter to get to you.

Triangling her in is what p'es me off!

He had no good reason to say that to her and IMO it was AWFUL.

Use this as a learning opportunity for her: "Your Dad has a right to his OPINION. An OPINION is not THE TRUTH.

Help her learn TO SPEAK and to SEEK THE TRUTH..."Daddy, we can't really know what Mommy is doing, now....

For HIM, as others have said, ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN ANY WORDS OR QUESTIONS...

He knows where you live when.. if ever.. he wants to reconcile with you...

Bugs:

Remember he's in a sick frame of mind. He wants to be the upper handed person. Not knowing where you were to be going means that he is not in control.

I would try to keep answers to dd vague at this point, so that what is said doesn't go back to him.

You are doing a great job !!!!!

Hey All,

I've been a bit busy these last few days, and also doing a lot of thinking.

When asked, "does it matter what he's thinking?" Well, to be honest, yes, it matters to me. I know it shouldn't but it still does.

No - he's not here at my door wanting to reconcile and that is the only acceptable return for me. Yet, knowing him as I do, I know it's a progressive process for him. Him finally giving a second thought as to me and what/where I am vs not giving me a single thought could be a beginning of a change.

Does that change necessarily lead him down the path to taking responsibility for his actions and being truly sorry and eventually leading to reconciliation with me? No, I know that it doesn't. But, it 'could'. That was what I chose to recognize on Thursday.

I can envision the conversation he had with DD - It was very likely said in an off-handed way by Drac to DD. Yes, Mimi, he knew it would elicite the response it did from DD to me. Did he think about that and do it on purpose? Nobody knows but Drac.


No, he had no right to say that. DD's vision of 'partying it up' is quite different than mine or Drac's,,, thank goodness. To be fair and not judgmental, it could have been his way of simply saying that I wasn't home OR it could have been the adult, negative, view of a party girl out drinking & flirting. Again, an unknown.

Yes, I did use it as a teaching opportunity for DD, but did so as lightly as I could so that it did not seem like a Big Deal to DD that he made the comment or that it was hurtful in any way. She is very, very, sensitive about saying anything that might be hurtful to anyone and I make sure that nothing she brings to the conversation as a result of Drac makes her feel that way.

So, all of that said, I haven't changed where I am or how I feel. I continue to do my thing,,,live my life. It was a blip on the radar screen that perhaps I could consider - SOMEDAY- allowing him ON my radar screen fulltime. That's it. I'm not changing the radar coverage area to accomodate him.

Today am going to work on getting out those winter sweaters,,,putting away the Diva swimsuits - meeting my mom at an estate sale and then puppy proofing my yard.

Hope all of you have a great day!

Puppy Proofing...HEY, I'm there with you! That's alot harder than I thought it was going to be...tons of places where she can crawl under the fence!

How are you BUGS? It sounds to me that you are doing great for the most part!

I hope those are Goddress sweaters!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Take care!

Hey Rin!

Definately kept out just the Goddess Sweaters! Lol!

Fence is done. Sweaters are out. Swimsuits away.

Picked up the summary judgement check today from the title company where Drac re-financed the house. So, I have the bulk of what he owes me. He still owes another property payment and 1/2 of another payment for Oct. He sent CS check in with DD last night.

DD told me he'd be emailing me about a schedule change. I had suspected something a week or so ago when I heard that DSS said he'd be spending time w/FIL both Wed & Thurs nights. Drac emailed me today, saying he'd already talked to DD (which ticks me off) and asked if it would work for me to have him pick her up on Thursdays, too. They would have dinner, he would take her to dance, watch for a while, and leave at 7pm, then I could could come watch and then take her home.

First, it makes me mad that he talked to her before talking to ME. Of course, this is a play on his part so that if for ANY reason I would say no, then I am the 'bad guy' in DD's mind. What a a jerk.

It's like he's trying to pick some kind of fight with me, but doing so on the down low,,,,,, he won't come straight out with anything definative, , just little things to try to pick at me. OR maybe he's just that dense and self centered that it doesn't occur to him at all since I am still persona non grata. Whatever - I refuse to fight.

The truth is, per the parenting ageement, he could have her Wed & Thurs nights on the weeks when I have her for the weekend. So, rather than make a deal about it, I simply responded that it would be a great idea on the weeks when he does not have her for the weekend as she was really happy when he took her last week. It starts this week.

I kept it short & simple.

Am going to meet our potential new family member tomorrow morning! Hope he's as sweet in person as his picture is. I will have to have someone come do a home inspection before they will allow us to have him, but that should not be a problem. I put fencing up around all of the potential esacpe routes in the back yard.

I really hope it all works out,,,, by this weekend, as we are having DD's party here on Sunday.

Gotta run,,, I have tons to do as I am travling AGAIN this week and have way too much to get done both here at home & at work.