That Ho is NOT better than you. She's a Ho until she is no longer a Ho, and stops her Hoish ways.

And THEN she'll have to apologize to you if she ever wants to be a repentent Ho.


{{{{{Charlotte}}}}}

((Charlotte))


We never know what we have the strength for until we are faced with the situation. Don't even worry about that right now.

When the [email]s@#&[/email] hits the fan, Gray will remember that you would have stood by him, but he chose to walk away. Let him stew in his own choices. God will do the basting.

you CAN do this girl.
one day at a time..

((((((( charlotte ))))))

Hi phoenix,

I'm sure trying. It just gets to the point of "What's the point?" sometimes, yanno.

Then I hang around and read other's threads and the pain is so intense and there are others here who have their husbands living with their adultery partners and I can't deal. It's so disgusting.

I try to tell myself that it's the alien, Mr. Gray. I KNOW it is, he would never do this otherwise. But Jonesy gets farther and farther away. So I don't know.

I keep edging closer and closer to the "all bets are off" stage. I'm really close now. SCARY close.

I know you are right, johnstwin, and thank you for that. I know God will do the basting.

I'm sure he is right now. And though I shouldn't, I wonder if he even misses me at all. If Jonesy breaks through sometimes and thinks about me.

We didn't have a bad marriage...we didn't fight and argue all of the time. We complemented each other. (that is the correct spelling, right?)

So things got down in the dumps. I was ill, I was having problems with prescription meds that didn't help my depression or my thyroid at all.

I don't know. I've been thinking too much lately. I guess I should stop. But I can't. And I don't want to think to much because I don't want to get to that stage I was reading about in here on a thread earlier.

The stage of hate. Which is not good. I have always had the policy of NOT hating ANYONE. I don't want to start now.

So I'm just...I don't know. Other things are pulling me away, too.

Hi mopey,

I really appreciate that. And I used to think she was a decent person. Well, maybe she was before she started an affair with a married man and cheated on her sick hubby.

I don't know. I didn't know her all that well. Good, because it would have made the pain all that much worse. The fact that she wanted to pretend to be friends with me is bad enough.

I don't hate her. That doesn't mean I like her but I don't hate her. She's a fool for leaving her man. He's a great guy.

You're not talking to that other person that was interested in you, are you?

C22, well though I didn't do Plan B, Harley says that it keeps what love you have for the WS from completely slipping away. Looking at this with a glass half full aproach, there is still hope to recover your M.

But only you know how much is too much.

Well, yes, mimi, I am,

But I have been avoiding him like the plague. I don't need that kind of thing right now and I promised the kids.

If there is anything then if it's that important it can wait until this is over.

I wouldn't want to subject the kids to the pain of me doing what their father is doing. Nor would I want to subject my friend to the pain of someone who is not quite done with her husband.

And I AM still married. That matters to me, even if it doesn't matter to Mr. Gray.

I won't go there. My conscience would never allow it.

I haven't seen the guy lately and the last time I did it was with other people around. It will stay that way or I won't see him. So I just avoid him altogether so it won't get into some situation that gets too complicated.

He knows all about what I'm trying to do, anyway. Who in their right mind would want to get entangled in such crap?

So, I'm safe.

But do I think about him? Yes.

Thanks, Bellevue.

I appreciate you catching up on things and writing to me yesterday and today.

I am trying very hard to remember Jonesy. And how we used to be before all of this crap started.

I'm trying to hang on. I still have love for Jonesy.

I used to see him sometimes. Glimpses of him. Now it's just nothing. I haven't had the desire to call him or anything lately.

My DIL is SO mad at him. She doesn't want me to have anything to do with him at all. Well, I don't, but you know what I mean. She doesn't want me to wait or anything like that.

I told her I'm not waiting. I'm moving on. We don't even need to talk about him at all.

Of course he comes up occasionally. That is inevitable.

But I try to avoid it as much as possible.

Anyway, thanks again. I'll probably have a stand-alone post after I finish answering everyone who was so nice to help me hang on.

I just haven't felt up to talking much lately. I'm better now.

Hi jayne!

Thank you for bumping yesterday! I was in and out but just didn't feel up to posting.

Thank you, Miss M,

I really appreciate your prayers!! I really needed them, even though the situation wasn't unexpected. It had been discussed between them before, after all.

I didn't think Gray would be foolish enough to do such a thing but I guess he needs the money, thanks to my Doberman. Well, that's his problem. I have the house and everything else here to take care of.

And the taxes to pay before February 1st.

It's not easy. I'm still playing catch-up with a few bills. But I won't starve, even if I have to use all of the money for bills.

I kinda wanted to use my Christmas money to start the flying lessons, though. I don't know if I can but I'm still going to try.

Hi Chai,

Thank you. I hope you are right. I don't really thing Slag would like to put up with his penchant for leaving snot rags all over the place all of the time.

I'm still picking those up from areas in the house!! Especially the areas I wasn't frequenting when he was still here.

I mentioned that to OWH a while back. He said something about people getting used to such things or something like that.

I didn't really have an answer after that. He was right.

Anyway, I'm still trying to hang in there but it's so hard. It was a GIANT LB, even though it was not unexpected.

Well, hope she enjoys his snoring. It's NO picnic! He can get really loud and I have asked him again and again to ask the doctor about it, because I have read a lot about it and it worries me.

But of course, like a lot of men, and my mom and grandma, getting them to go to the doctor is like trying to pull and elephant's teeth with a set of tweezers!

Hi RIF!!

I don't know if you'll find this or how often you are checking in but it was really great to "see" ya'!!!

Made me feel better.

I'm still hanging on, trying to hang on. I need to stop reading too much here, I guess.

Starts to make me doubt things, sometimes. And not want to wait around for a long time. But I am not giving up yet. Even though I feel like it sometimes.

Sometimes I just want to say the heck with it, all bets are off. If it wasn't for divine intervention, I would have already done so.

But then I remember all of the things that happened and I just can't. I know I'm in the right place and doing the right thing.

I know there are no quick fixes. It's just hard in B when I can't even communicate just a little.

Not that I'd want to now, of course!!!

I can only hope that Jonesy is still in there somewhere, for HIS sake. He won't live long if Mr. Gray is at the wheel.

Mr. Gray will kill them both. Literally.

Okay,

I had a good, long talk with my Doberman the other day. I told him the latest news.

I told him that I didn't know how much longer I wanted to drag this out.

He said that I have to be ready and he didn't want to rush things because he feels that Mr. Gray owes me. He is right. How could I not agree?

So we are continuing on the original path that I requested of him in the very beginning.

He is going to call opposing counsel in a couple of weeks or so and find out what is going to happen with inventory, etc. I may call him and just tell him to wait until there is noise from op before anything is done.

Even though having these things here is a detriment to me because they are here. I just avoid that side of the house again...unless I'm having connection problems.

But as far as moving forward any more quickly with the D? No. We are not going to do that.

I can't help but question my sanity sometimes. Sometimes I think...well...out of sight...out of mind. Gray doesn't give a rat's a-- about me anymore. Or does he?

I don't know. Jonesy was peeping out the last time we had contact.

That's why it killed me so much to have to go into B. But it was the right thing to do. Mel was absolutely right. And so were all of you.

I just have a problem with thinking too much. Sometimes I really wish I was that old cliche, a dumb blonde. Nevermind that the blonde has to darken my roots out of a bottle these days!!!

I still have my shirt that says, "I had a nightmare that I was a blonde!!!"

So anyway, I brought the package that came back that I tried to send to Slag's to my Doberman to send to Gray.

It will be my fault even though it really wasn't. It's not my problem. I didn't have to do ANYTHING. But he will blame it on me.

I just know it. It will be the nail in the coffin of us.

But I tried. I really did try. What could I do? He wasn't talking to me at the time. The info HAD to be sent. Or not, since it wasn't my deal. I guess I just should have given everything to my Doberman instead of sending it myself.

Even though I covered my a--, though, and it was Doberman approved, I know he'll blame me. I just know it.

This is the big problem I'm having right now. Worrying about that stupid package again.

As much as I'd like to, I will not go and read his blog. He's probably updated it by now, maybe, and he surely will after he gets the package.

But I'm not going. Dobie's taking care of it so that's that. Am I tempted to look? Sometimes. But I know he's checking so I don't.

Well, he'll surely hate me forever now.

So I guess my next plans, aside from flying lessons, are...I think I'll go to Europe after the settlement. My sister said she wants to go and that would be really fun. So if there's anything left after the bill collectors take their money, that's what I'm going to do.

And ballroom dancing. I tried for a long time to get Mr. Gray to take lessons with me. Or at least go out dancing and fake it, if necessary. But we never did. Even though he bought me the perfect dress for it, all on his own!!!

Then when I was monitoring them with the keylogger at one point...what do I see? Him telling HER he'd go dancing with HER...anywhere, anytime.

So what am I supposed to do?

Okay, so I'm in a holding pattern right now. I guess we'll see what the next few weeks and months bring.

Why?

Focus on YOURSELF.

I've been reading that you know how to do that.

You would be USING him and he would be USING you...since you are not finished with your husband...and you are a MARRIED woman...

Stinkin thinkin...

You're right, mimi.

I KNOW this.

Which is why I have been staying away. Because of course, there are the inevitable comparisons between him and Mr. Gray. And he makes Mr. Gray look like, well, less than a man.

I know it is disaster, so I just won't go there at all. But yes, "stinkin' thinkin"."

Mr. Gray is NOT Jonesy, though. That is what stops me. But will Jonesy ever be seen again? That is what makes me wonder.

I don't know. I'm not supposed to care. So I change the channel when I start to think about Jonesy, whether I'm thinking about Jonesy or I'm thinking about Mr. Gray.

Either way is too painful.

I guess I just need help.

Save me.

Bash me over the head with many, many 2x4's.

Please?!

It will be my fault even though it really wasn't. It's not my problem. I didn't have to do ANYTHING. But he will blame it on me.


He will blame HIS failure to take care of things HE is responsible for on you...is that it?

Well, as long as you continue to think that...and fret about it...he has you dancing like a marionette.

Maybe that is part of the problem...he has never had to endure the consequences of his actions because you have been there to take care of it for him.

He will FOREVER continue in this thinking until he is FORCED to accept responsibility for his bad choices.

It will be the nail in the coffin of us.

Says who? You? Him?

If you are thinking it is him...why would you want that man back anyways?

He has addictions charlotte. As long as he does, he is of no use to anyone. Do not give him so much power.

committed

You don't want to be like MR. GRAY, do you? Sounds like what the Wayward does..make comparisons to the wifey..YUCK...

This is YOUR MEANS of dealing with YOUR PAIN..not you starting a HEALTHY, NORMAL RELATIONSHIP with someone...



Of course, ANYTHING will look wonderful compared to MR. GRAY..so you are seeing an ILLUSION..you are not seeing that OTHER MAN for what he REALLY IS...sounds familiar doesn't it?



You are going through WITHDRAWAL. You can understand what the FWS experiences after NO CONTACT..IT IS HARD, I know..you are missing your husband, yearning for him..

But I have noticed that you are on the right track..keep searching to find a NEW ADVENTURES/EXPERIENCES to keep you busy...to past the time away..I tried all sorts of stuff..nothing worked that well but I did stay busy..

Yeah, I know.

The comparison thing...I thought about that the minute I was thinking about it, or when I do. I know what's going on.

I also know that this person isn't an illusion, as much as I wish him to be. THAT is why I stay away. Far away.

I am not going to do that. And yes, I have been doing a lot of other things, not just thinking about Mr. Gray and the lack of Jonesy in my life.

I'm going to tour the culinary school in February. Now last night my sister tells me that my brother wants me to move in with them and go to school there.

So I'm thinking about that. The only reason I wouldn't do it is because I don't want to be around when the big one hits so I'd go on faith that it wouldn't, but if it did I'd do everything in my power to make sure that my nieces make it to safety.

Yeah, I miss Jonesy a lot. I don't miss Gray AT ALL.