Good for you, fasttrack!!

Keep it up and do NOT feel bad. You are doing the RIGHT thing!

(((((fasttrack)))))

Don't apologize for exposing her. Just tell her you are sure sorry she is upset, but you intend on getting the news of her affair out to everyone. Let her know that you know it is Joe Scumball. It also doesn't matter if she denies it. The truth is the truth.

You can expect her to be furious because this is interference in her plan to screw her family over without consequences. But your marriage can survive her temporary anger, it can't survive an affair.

I'm not sure that was the best move. Her mom thinks she needs to do what makes her happy. I guess if running into another mans arms makes you happy for a while that is the best thing to do according to her mom.

I made her mad enough where I am pretty sure she will not want to give me primary custody. Which I need to make sure the well being of my kids is my main concern. Honestly since she has been out of town for a couple of weeks I have seen great impprovement in the kids behavior and attitiude. Now when she comes home she creates chaos and stress. And then makes me feel like I am at fault.

I don't like seeing the kids upset. I know my son was having problems sleeping. My daughter is having nightmares and wakes up in middle of night and asks me too pray with her. Maybe the best thing I can do right now is accept it for what it is and educate myself on helping the kids through this mess.

I still love my wife dearly and I still want the best for our family. But am I causing more harm then good?

Did her mother actually tell you this herself? This is ok, and some do react this way because many parents don't give a CRAP about their kids. Did you call the other people like I suggested? Her father, the OM's parents?

Even if the exposure target doesn't care and condones adultery, it is still pressure on the affair. It is still a success.


Get thee to an attorney and get this nailed down now.



You will be causing more harm than good by doing nothing to save your marriage and allowing your wife to destroy your family when you could have saved it. it is in their best interest to have an intact family. If you think your kids are upset now, wait and see what divorce will do. Divorce has devastating, lasting effects on children.

You are doing more harm than good by allowing her to screw with your childrens minds about her adultery. FT, you are all those children have. No one else is going to protect them from your wife's destructive path. She is he11bent on destroying their family and there is much you can do to stop it.

Her mom did tell me that if she wasn't happy with me then she needs to follow her heart and she could do nothing to change WW's feelings. Her mom did not have the best childhood herself. To this day she is still looking for "happiness" with her 7th marriage to 4 men.

I am took the morning off to get an attorny. I will see if she will still agree to me having primary custody. She stayed at a friends house last night. And this morning she decided to show some concern for the kids and called and said she would come home to get them ready. I think the friends told her she needs to focus on the kids.

It is very easy for her to make me the bad guy. She is a very likable person. I tend too think all my decisions and actiions out. She acts on impulse and speaks her mind on impulse and is fun to be around and makes friends with everyone. I just think they will believe anything she says. So she is saying I am the crazy one making all this stuff up to turn everyone against her.

Yes, they usually do say the BS is crazy, but that is expected. Just keep exposing and get this done before she gets to everyone FIRST and spins the story. Put the pressure on them and don't let up, ft. She does not know what she is doing, but WE DO. What we are telling you is based on tried and true experience. Bring this affair out into the open. She does not have to admit anything for folks to know the truth.

FT:


'Accepting' your WW's choices to destroy your family is NOT the same as ADOPTING them as your own. You have no choice but to accept your WW's choices, but that in no way inhibits or limits your choices. 'Helping the kids through this mess,' being the best father you can be, providing stability and security, and STANDING UP FOR YOUR FAMILY AND MARRIAGE can be YOUR choices...and your choices are not dependent upon hers.

If you know it inside of you that what your WW is doing is wrong for your family, you should not enable her. Do right by your children and focus on YOU and THEM. If your WW seriously wants to destroy the family, than she can. All of your choices should be mutually exclusive of your WW's choices.

Listen to Mel and the other Plan A experts here. But I would also get cracking on the custody issue. Work on getting the primary custody documents signed. If your WW has her mind consumed by the A and the fantasy of freedom from her family, then let her go, but that doesn't mean that you give up in your mind, that you don't do your best Plan A, or that you don't do your best to maintain that shred of love for your W so that if she comes to her senses in time, that your kids will have the possiblity of having the stable two-parent home that they deserve.

When you have spent years basing your choices on what is best for the family (including your WW's interests), it is a very tough concept to grasp that by her leaving, A, or divorce plans, that she is no longer part of the 'family' that you base YOUR choices on.

Your children will respect you for your choices, and when they are older and know the full story, they will resent and/or hate their mother for hers.

Thanks,

LoBoy

Called WW this morning and was talking to her about some things I needed too get so I could add the kids and her back on my insurance since she quit her job. That was all nice then she instructed me to stop calling everyone, that nobody wanted to hear from me and I am making them uncomfortable. I mentioned I am only informing them with the truth and trying to do what I could to save our family because what I have done is not working.

Told her what she was doing is worng and what she is telling the kids is wrong. She needless to say got really upset told me to LET GO... Said some more masty stuff about her having more affairs??? and hung up on me.

She called back about 10 minutes later about some financial mattters we are trying to straighten out. I asked her how she could go from how she was acting 10 minutes ago to being so pleasant when she needed something. She started getting pissy with me again. I asked her to call me back when she can talk to me without all the anger. She called back and I didn't answer and she left a VM. Told me we needed to handle this financial issue and was rude on message I didn't even listen to it all. Not sure if I handled that correctly?

Made some more exposure calls. And tracked down some more numbers for her siblings which I will try and call. I am still not sure siblings will be much help. I tried calling her dad and it goes straight to VM. Have not been able to get OM's number yet. If I had unlimited financial resources I am sure I could find out what color underwear he has on today. I did track him though.

Talking to some of her closer friends she has never been secretive about her EA with OM. Most seem to know about it. Some are in disbelief that she is acting upon those feelings. I knew about her feelings but never realized how they were affecting our M. There was always that fantasy about what life would be like with OM for WW. Especially when things were not so rosy.

I have an appointment set up with an Attorney for Friday. I am trying to get one set up for today with different one. Not sure it will happen because I need to be home when my daughter gets home from school.

LoBoy,

I do think I am doing the right thing for my family. There is no doubt in my mind about that. I did have the real talk with my kids about what WW is doing and I hope they understand because she always goes running out to them when she breaks down. And they don't see me having the calm non threateing conversation with mommy they see mommy balling.

I don't want them to resent or hate either of us. No matter what the outcome is.

The worst thing you could do to them is take a morally NEUTRAL STANCE about her adultery. It is important that you tell them a) adultery is always wrong and b) what your mother is doing is WRONG and immoral. Explain to them WHY adultery is immoral. Children need MORAL GUIDANCE and it is your responsibility to give them that guidance so they can defend themselves from her lies. Please DO NOT leave the conclusions up to them, they are CHILDREN who do not have the judgment or moral maturity to come to an accurate conclusion. You must tell them.

Do you have a phone # for the OM's house? Can you call there and see if a woman answers?

ML, I told them about M and commitment and it is not okay to have those types of feelings or contact with another person while you are married. I told them about the marriage vows and that you don't turn and run on people you love when times get tough or you decide they don't make you happy. I told them to look for solutions to problems rather then run from them. I told them to respect and always consider other people when you make decisions. I told them that what WW was doing is not acceptable. If there is anything else you can think of let me know. I am going to talk to them daily in hopes of limiting the damage. I know I haven't been the best at this but I am making great strides.

I have not been able to get OM# YET.

FT, sounds good. Please use factual language when speaking to the kids and use words like ADULTERY and CHEATING instead of "relationship." That can confuse them, because a relationship can be something respectable whereas, adultery is not.

Have you tried calling directory assistance in his home town to get a # on him? Can you check your phone bills to get a #? This really is imperative because this guy may be married and if he is, you have a powerful weapon against him.

Thought I would give a quick update. Wife spent one night at her friends and then came home the next day. I can tell she is still very depressed, she is sleeping alot.

Saturday was a decent day. I am implementing Plan A as best I can. I did some work around the house standard cleaning stuff hung some more lights outside. W went out with some girl friends for a birthday celebration on Saturday. Seems like she had a good time. Was hung over or coming down with a cold or both so she slept most of the day Sunday.

Yesterday my sister called and informed me my grandma was in town.Grandma is on her way to Arizona for the winter. W chose not to go see her. Says she will never go visit my family since I exposed to them, but I took the kids to see great grandma. It was great to see her she is getting up there in age though and she is convinced she doesn't have long to live.

When I got home yesterday she told me we need to figure out our situation. I have been trying to avoid relationship talk but she is pushing for " an arrangement". She had been living out of her suitcase for the last few weeks and she unpacked yesterday. I was hoping that was a good sign but during her unpacking she informed me that she had as much right to the house as me and maybe I should leave. I didn't want to respond to her when she said that but I told her I was happy there and had no reason to go.

She continued to tell me how unhappy she was and that she deserves her happiness. Also informed me how selfish I was for not seeing this and agreeing to a D. She still seems angry towards me and says I am playing mind games with her. I'm guessing she is referring to my Plan A. I still focus on giving and have learned not to let her words affect me as much, it still stings.

I am definately devoting more time to her and the kids but overall I don't think I am acting much different then I did prior. She did comment on my interest in keeping the house tidy. I will say that she handled the majority of the cleaning and I do most of the cooking and get the kids ready for bed. I am thinking that one of her LB's was my lack of helping with the house maintenance. Not sure but I will do whatever it takes and it keeps me busy.

I am working on getting some proof of the A. I will feel better about all the exposing when I have something solid. I added a keylogger to the comp last night, it's a free version with a time limit so not sure I will get anything. I am checking her phone and she has a couple of blocked calls on it. She is still spinning it all and making me the crazy H.

The kids are doing okay. S seems to be doing alot better and I talk to him as much as possible. Not sure what W is telling him and I don't try to get information from him. Both S and D had a rough week at school but this week started of pretty good.

I was in church on Sunday and the sermon really hit home. It's amazing how it always seems too. Talked about happiness and referenced Acts 20:35 and how it is better to give then recieve. So I am really focused on giving all I have. I feel pretty good emotionally. It has been tough but I am just thankful for what I have and continue to think of all the good things in my life.

Thanks again to all the wonderful people here. I am sad I have to be here but I am also so happy I found this place.

Take care,

What do you all recommend when she brings up the our relationship? Feel like she is trying to get me to agree on D so she doesn't feel solely responsible for it. I know Plan A does not include talking about it. I already tell her I will not talk about D only our M.

Just tell her you believe in the M and your family and have ideas on how it can be repaired. Tell her you want to be happy together and believe it is possible. Tell her that you look forward to the opportunity to try and make these things happen but that it isn't possible while she's involved with another man.

Tell her you don't want a divorce but can't stop her from filing for one. If she makes that decision then your attorneys can work it out. If she wants a divorce, she is an adult and can figure out how to get one, but that you will not be assisting her in any way and will make it as difficult as you possibly can and that is all you have to say about it.

Thanks Tyk. I will do that the next time she brings it up. Just trying to think of a good way of dealing with it without creating a LB.

Plan A seems to be going good. Last couple of days have been ok. W has been sick and I have been taking care of her as much as she will allow.

We were eating dinner last night and W has always struggled with the kids in regards to how they react to her discipline. She has a tendency to raise her voice and make lots of empty or unrealistic threats. D5 was giving her grief and they were arguing and I ususally jump in to try and diffuse the situation but I stayed out of it. She has mentioned to me in the past that she didn't like the fact that I interject when she is dealing with the kids. Out of the blue my daughter tells W she does not love her any more.
This really upset my W and she began to cry and left the table.

I didn't say a thing to W or D5. I usually jump in the middle of those situations and I wanted to but I stayed out of it. I think it knocked W out of the fog for a second. I don't expect anything from it like I don't expect much from my Plan A efforts right now but it did seem to change W attitude last night. W has been hibernating in my sons room. She came out last night and we watched a movie and she was actually decent to me.

I have been able to keep my emotions in check and am really feeling better and have been more confident. Showing my strong side with no pleading or displays of weakness. I think it is definately helping. Plus I got to buy myself some new clothes thanks to the diet. lol

I am trying to figure out how I can create an opportunity for us to work on the 15 hours a week. I am thinking W might be more receptive now. I'm not getting my hopes up. It's tough with the kiddos. And I still don't know that W is even willing. I was thinking about walks to start but I don't think she will go for it. Doesn't hurt to ask. Anything is better then what we have now.

Sorry, just kind of typing out loud. :P

Took a little nap at lunch time and had a dream about me and W on an outing laughing and having a good time. I really hated the fact that I woke up.

I was thinking yesterday how no matter how much pain and hurt my W has caused me I can't help but to love her now more than I ever have. I can't help but admire her beauty and wish her inner beauty would return. It's like no other woman can compare to her right now. I miss her smiling face and the way she always makes us laugh. I can only hope I am with her when she finds herself.

That dream I had really got me thinking or hoping I guess would be the appropriate word.

fasttrack... you are reaching the somewhat pleasant plateau of emotional detachment, where the fog speak does not impact you, yet you can detect the gems that are not fog talk, as seldom as they come. This is the time when you become most effective at Plan A. You are not reacting to her every word or action...you are in control of your emotions and what you say, and when.

Keep up the good work. This is when the term "unconditional love" will have more meaning to you than it ever has.

Continue to be the loving father, and use your imagination for searching for the 15 hours. Have something in mind, and then suggest she run to the store with you for something, then "spontaneously" suggest the plan you already had in mind, be it a live band, or a movie, or whatever you can thing of that will give you some moments together. Any time you can make this happen is a plus, and try to refrain from any relationship talks during these times.

You are on the right path! Stay the course!

Oh man... If only I could get ahold of your wife and rattle some sense into her!!!

"I miss her smiling face and the way she always makes us laugh."

Have you told her that? I know she might not be receptive to it right now. You seem to be in a good place to plan A her right now though. She might open up. Shattered dreams had some good suggestions. Add some spice to your lives, do something spontaneous.