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And by the way, leave me alone.

Too subtle. Sometimes an actual incendiary device is required... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

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an actual incendiary device

Metaphorical, of course. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> What did you think I meant? Just because my MB name is thrndrnltng, and when I first followed my betrayed daughter to this site I suggested something thermonuclear for her then-wayward, doesn't mean you should extrapolate forward and assume something violent! I have impugned myself and hurt my own feelings. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> I think I'll go lie down and read a book...

t&l

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You know for all the people who worked so damn hard to tear apart my sense of purpose in my marriage and try to get me to 'open my eyes' there is amazingly very little to no followup. It seems on here that being right is less about being right for the posters' sake and more about being right for ego's sake.

This forum is a sham. People are more concerned with trolls and sharing their 'opinions' than the people who are right in front of them, begging for help. And when their 'opinions' actually take root in the actual person behind the story on a computer screen, where are they?

They've moved on to the new hot topic of the day to win some kind of online debate to make them feel good about themselves. All of you 'vets' out there, I have read your threads, where you just argue with each other about whose right and in the process are ignoring people who sincerely need guidance.

I'm sure there's some children's story or historical event that would perfectly illustrate my point about people standing around arguing about how to correctly help someone while this person is drowning... but I just don't care.

I'm sorry that I opened myself up, just to become someone's topic of debate and nothing more. What a waste of my life.


FBW, 25
Daughter, 2
Son, 1
Divorced 4/28/08

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."
Ralph Waldo Emerson



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Hi fireblossom-

The "General Questions II" section tends to move very quickly. There are so many threads and topics that a particular thread will drop off the first page in a matter of a few hours if no one posts to it.

The "Recovery" section is slower. Your thread will remain visible for several days, and there is less drama there. There are MANY very good people here that can help your situation. If you'd like to stay and give them a chance you might try the recovery board, or another option would be to keep bumping your thread on GQII so that it stays visible.

Hang in there-
~Saturn


Me: 45
Him: 47
married 23 years
Two wonderful sons
D-day for my EA: 8/15/04
D-day for his PAs: 8/16/06

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K, I'll try. Thanks.

Bump.


FBW, 25
Daughter, 2
Son, 1
Divorced 4/28/08

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."
Ralph Waldo Emerson



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Fireblossom:

There's more than a grain of truth in what you say, but getting angry at the people here will not help your situation. Besides, I see that some very good posters *did* try to help you - 2Long, PM, WhoMe, schoolbus, so it's not as though no one responded to you.

Could you possibly be making more of this than there needs to be? The posters here are not counselors - everyone speaks strictly from his/her own experience. You are not obligated to take *anything* that *anyone* says to heart, and in fact it's probably best to maintain some distance emotionally. The last thing you need at this point is more drama in your life.

My suggestion, if you are serious about saving your marriage, would be to give Harley counseling a try.

One final thought: I have always believed that what we post says much more about us than it does about the poster to whom we are addressing our thoughts. Therefore, your anger at the forum says more about you than it does about the posters on the forum. Follow me?

PK

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((((((fireblossom))))))

I'm sorry for any t/j-ing I did.

I'm sorry I don't have any specific advice for your situation, but I do support you reconciling! I think it's amazing that you are here trying after what you went through.

Things are kind of slow around here because of the holidays.

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It seems it was history kind of repeating itself. I don't really know.

It's like I live in two realities.

reality a: everythings ok. problems are normal. I loved him once and can love him again. He just has issues.

reality a = good christian woman

reality b: everything is NOT ok. I want as far away from him that I can get, and other than having my beautiful babies I regret much of our relationship.



I am very confused.

FB, hang tight. I just got home and I'll be back in just a little bit.

FB, I am soooo sorry I wasn't able to get back to you last night. I hope you will forgive me.

You know, it really doesn't matter what happened to get you guys together. The fact is that it is now years later, you are married and you do have children together. I agree, I think your husband does have issues. Are they fixable? Does he believe he has issues? Do you want to invest the time to find out? I think you do or you wouldn't be here.

You guys have a lot of work to do to heal your marriage, if that's what you want. There are some things that your husband needs to do to regain your trust. He should not expect that you will trust him for a very long time.

Can you get your husband to come here and post (not on your threads)? There are some good men here that may be able to help him.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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So I guess when people on this ever so helpful forum accuse my husband of being a rapist(when he clearly is not), what does that say about them?

When I have been attacked for 'the kind of person I am' to marry my H, what does that say about them? As if I could have had the foresight that he was going to cheat on me with an 18 yo.

Maybe I am angry. And maybe that's just my fault.

Maybe I came here being vulnerable and was dealt with harshly and it's my fault that that hurts me.

I am sorry I am angry. I am sorry I am upset. I always either take too much responsibility or not enough.

I am tired. I am tired of life and damn tired of living. I am tired of trying to be strong. I am tired of trying to be good. I am tired of hoping. I am tired of pretending that everything is ok so that I'm not a burden. I'm tired of pretending that I'm not hurting inside. I'm tired of hiding my life, being ashamed of my life.


FBW, 25
Daughter, 2
Son, 1
Divorced 4/28/08

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."
Ralph Waldo Emerson



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Morning FB,

Hope you don't think that we forgot about you or don't understand the pain you are experiencing.

Honestly, I've oft wondered if there is a difference in the way BS respond to infidelity based on their age.

You see, I was older when my FWH had his affair and in many ways, I believe that influenced my decision to try and recover my marriage.

It wasn't that I didn't love him or that I didn't forgive him. But I also still think that there was another part of me that simply didn't want that big a change in my life while I was approaching retirement.

Sometimes, I wonder if I had known then how long it would take and how painful the journey to recovery would be, would I still do it.

I look at you (someone who is but a couple years older than my DD) and I really do share your pain at having experienced so much so early in your life.

I can understand Arks feeling about the age of the OW, but do not agree that age alone makes someone a victim. The laws in our country are very specific that an 18 yo is an adult, and there must be some reason for that.

I know this time of the year is really quite possibly the worst to go thru this, from personal experience. I didn't have MB in my life when I was going thru it.

Hopefully there will be enough folks around here on the forum to help you keep on keeping during the holidays.

Who


I am the BW,
He is the FWH
D-Day: 12/02/03

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So I guess when people on this ever so helpful forum accuse my husband of being a rapist(when he clearly is not), what does that say about them?

All it says is that is their viewpoint...not the truth, mind you, just their opinion. It's up to you to determine how valid their viewpoint is - for you.

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Maybe I am angry. And maybe that's just my fault.

Maybe I came here being vulnerable and was dealt with harshly and it's my fault that that hurts me.

Whoa! I don't want you to misunderstand me: It's not your FAULT. It's not about laying blame at all. It's about recognizing that yes, you *are* angry. And yes, you *are* vulnerable. So proceed with caution....and that includes taking the words of certain posters to heart. You are under no obligation to take anything that anyone says here and agree with it. Sure, you can think about it. But discard it if it doesn't fit.

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I am tired. I am tired of life and damn tired of living. I am tired of trying to be strong. I am tired of trying to be good. I am tired of hoping. I am tired of pretending that everything is ok so that I'm not a burden. I'm tired of pretending that I'm not hurting inside. I'm tired of hiding my life, being ashamed of my life.

Now this is my viewpoint, but I don't see anything for you to be ashamed of.

I'm sorry you're hurting. The Harleys, a good therapist, someone to talk to is what you need. You're awfully young to be shouldering this burden.

Take care.

PK

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Maybe I am angry. And maybe that's just my fault.

What if your anger is okay...being yours? Not someone's fault, a signal?

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Maybe I came here being vulnerable and was dealt with harshly and it's my fault that that hurts me.


What if what you're experiencing right now is really harsh on your heart, your dreams, your perceptions? What if you did the best you could with what you knew then...and are learning and growing now...so you know more and do better?

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I am sorry I am angry. I am sorry I am upset. I always either take too much responsibility or not enough.


I would not apologize for feeling anger...amends come in when we act out on our anger. You identified something pretty big in yourself...kinda the all or nothing, too much or too little...sounds like awareness and growth to me.

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I am tired. I am tired of life and damn tired of living. I am tired of trying to be strong. I am tired of trying to be good. I am tired of hoping. I am tired of pretending that everything is ok so that I'm not a burden. I'm tired of pretending that I'm not hurting inside. I'm tired of hiding my life, being ashamed of my life.


What if change takes this very stage...when you're too tired...you may discover you were strong all along...

when you're too tired of trying to earn goodness...you may well discover you already were good...

when you stop pretending you may discover you were always real...

when you share your stuff (feelings, thoughts, beliefs) you may discover that your pain is halved, your joy doubled...

and when you stp hiding who you are, your experience, you may discover you were nothing to be ashamed of...

Worth the journey, FB. You can do this.

LA

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Hi Again FB,

We must of been posting simultaneously.

I think it is important to remember that most of us here, even those of us who do consider our marriages to be recovered, came here as wounded, broken folk.

Each of us in our own way comes with our own baggage and more importantly, our own OPINIONS of what goes just beyond acceptable.

I suspect that most of us BS here would have said that if our spouse had an affair, we'd divorce them ... until it actually happened to us.

There are so many similarities in the stories here that we sometimes forget that there are many differences as well and that it is difficult, no impossible, to pound the square pegs into the round holes every single time.

I know that you are hurting, and tired, and ashamed, and even wondering why you are even trying to stay married to your FWH. Only you can make that decision. No one here has a right to make it for you.

I honestly don't know what I would have done in your situation, but that isn't the point. Our role, as I see it, is to advise you, to the best of our ability and knowledge of MB principles, on recovery of your marriage and surviving your FWH's affair.

So I do hope that you can feel our concern and know that even we strangers do care.

Who


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He is the FWH
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I don't mean to be hurtful, and I definitely do not mean to be hurtful to the people in this forum who have shown me kindness.

I AM angry. I am angry at silence. Not on this board, but in my life.

I am angry that I had a stay at home mom and feel like a motherless child. I am angry that my mom lost herself in her science fiction books, classical music and her own scripted stories to show her brilliance and genius and left me to take care of myself. I am angry at her silence in my life.

I am angry at the silence of my teachers who ignored my obvious neglect because I was gifted in academics.

I am angry at the silence of my friends' parents who knew of my neglect and said nothing or worse, told their kid my parents didn't love me, so that their kid could tell me.

I am angry that I have been ignored, tolerated or downright invisible to my mom despite my good grades, talent, athleticism, prettiness... to many mothers, I was just what one would want from a daughter and my mom was damningly blind to it.

I am angry that this is the start my parents and 'village' gave me.

And I am angry that it was on this basis that I made lifelong decisions and commitments. However...

What my husband has done IS wrong, and it does speak of his 'character'. But what of MY character? Who am I to be with him, except that I have similarities to him. I don't mean that in a negative way toward myself necessarily. Maybe that is just the 'reality'.

What I mean is this, my husband and I both had difficult childhoods. Neither one of us had a good start. Isn't it a possibility that we are a match, and it is the Gospel of Christ.. love, hope, mercy and forgiveness that will edify us into people, who, even the best of you could define as individuals with strong character? Possibly, even HE was doing his best? "When you know better, you do better."

I have seen REAL changes in my H. I'm not saying he's a damn god, I'm saying he is willing to look at his past, his mistakes, his makeup, his childhood and he is willing to look at it and say that he is screwed up. BUT he wants to do what he has to in order to affect change.

I believe the gospel was meant for Jew, Gentile, sinner, my husband, me, etc...... I believe there is grace because we live in a fallen world, and that there is hope for true change because of the power of the GOSPEL not because he or I have somehow managed by our own right to have good character up to this point.

Maybe I'm wrong. I am always willing to look at that. But maybe, just maybe God truly does have a plan and truly does know what He is doing and my husband and I were put together by God too, to ultimately edify each other through the gospel of grace.


FBW, 25
Daughter, 2
Son, 1
Divorced 4/28/08

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."
Ralph Waldo Emerson



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Maybe I'm wrong. I am always willing to look at that. But maybe, just maybe God truly does have a plan and truly does know what He is doing and my husband and I were put together by God too, to ultimately edify each other through the gospel of grace.

Well said. With God, all things ARE possible. If you've read my story, you'll know that's true. You guys have suffered through not only the affair but serious spiritual damage from a pastor. BTW, I hope you've found a new church. I live in Plano too, maybe I can make some suggestions for you.

Is your husband willing to post too? I asked you before but you never responded.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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I don't mean to be hurtful, and I definitely do not mean to be hurtful to the people in this forum who have shown me kindness.

I did show you kindness when people were attacking you, your husband and your marriage, especially on your original post, but what did you do in return? It's clear that you've become self pitty and self destructive because of the circumstances. You might be even pushing people away because of that.

I'm done with you. I won't post to you again.

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I don't mean to be hurtful, and I definitely do not mean to be hurtful to the people in this forum who have shown me kindness.

I did show you kindness when people were attacking you, your husband and your marriage, especially on your original post, but what did you do in return? It's clear that you've become self pitty and self destructive because of the circumstances. You might be even pushing people away because of that.

I'm done with you. I won't post to you again.

FB... I think you have enough good sense to ignore this troll.

I heard exactly what you were saying and heard the pain in your post. You were speaking out of honesty which is a good thing. You can't deal with things until you face them, which is what I see you doing.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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I don't mean to be hurtful, and I definitely do not mean to be hurtful to the people in this forum who have shown me kindness.

I did show you kindness when people were attacking you, your husband and your marriage, especially on your original post, but what did you do in return? It's clear that you've become self pitty and self destructive because of the circumstances. You might be even pushing people away because of that.

I'm done with you. I won't post to you again.

Dude, I think the entire board is done with you.

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I think my H might post, where should he post, if he did?... and we have found a new church, thanks!

I guess ultimately, people's opinions of my situation will rely mainly on the answer to whether they believe character is a permanent quality or if it is something that can be improved (with commitment and diligent effort). I personally don't believe it is permanent, especially in light of the gospel.

And just by the way, I don't mean in any way to say that because of grace I would live or think it's ok to live recklessly. Clearly, I am not of that mind, I have seen oh so many, way too many live like h**ll because they think that's what grace is for. This is a sticky subject... my point is that it's grace that will be the 'cast' to heal our 'bones' (our character).

Thank you PM, Who, LA, PK, Ark and others for being willing to share your insight and encouragement with me. I feel like I've really been able to question some things and I've come out with stronger resolve. Thank you, truly.


FBW, 25
Daughter, 2
Son, 1
Divorced 4/28/08

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."
Ralph Waldo Emerson



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I am extremely busy right now...
has nothing to do with silence...or not wanting to address....barely a free moment...

I never ever said your husband was a rapist...
rape is NOT a sexual act...it is pure violence...I never said any such thing....

fireblossom..
you are not in any "trouble" you didnt do anything wrong...you are not unwanted...here...that's crazy...

My concerns are about your husbands history...

I have concerns in this post where as a leader now he got involved with you...
and most scariest....

attempts to convince you that everyone else is 'wrong' and HE is right...

very manipulative behavior....

I believe people can change....

but YOU are going to need very very very very clear concise boundaries...

he is good at convincing those around him that it is never him...

his parents didn't think it was wrong
her parents didn't think it was wrong...

and a lot of this rolled in to the name of God and ministry...

very very very mind blowing stuff....

you will need a very strong individual counselor so that you will not again be swayed in to his next manipulation...

you will need very concise boundaries with plans of actions to follow up with....

i honestly don't have time right this second......but am not ignoring...

company christmas school parties...airports....work....uhh wrapping paper....etc

ARK

ARK

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