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tru2luv Offline OP
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Mark 1952
I do not know how I missed you reply. I just now read it and found it to be very helpful!!
My husband says he is going to move out because of the arguing, etc. It seems as though I should stay in Plan A until he does leave? At this point I am sure that there is not much I have done recently to give him a want to come back to me. Should I go into Plan A until he leaves?




I have been reading this site for quite some time and finally registered tonight! Need some advice on where to go from here. My husband and I started a home daycare a couple years ago. I picked up two part time jobs to bring in extra $ to get out of debt. Meanwhile, my husband began an affair with one of the "mom's" who was bringing her infant to our house. No need to go into the nightmare that ensued but, his behavior escalated and he became very nasty and mentally/verbally abusive. I had him leave the house and he chose to move into the OW house (with the OWH and baby!) The OWH had no clue-after three weeks, I told the OWH and my husband was asked to leave that night. He came knocking on my door and I let him stay the night. This was back in April of this year. Since then it has been a tough road and was two months of no-contact with the OW and starting to come out of the withdrawal state and participating in our family again. Then, the OW contacted him on-line. That same day he told me about it, showed it to me and his response (which was...'this is not a good thing for me to talk to you right now'). The psycho she is she persisted, called his cell and the home # and when he answered she would have her baby talk into the phone - she knew how to get to him. I saw it coming and told him to stay away but after 2 weeks of this, he gave in. He stopped going to his personal counseling sessions and we are back to the same crap as before. He says that he needs to talk to her and be able to work through what they had so that he can move on. I know they are in full swing again over the last two weeks-all the signs are there. I was able to spend the week of Thanksgiving and afterwards being kind, uplifting, etc, etc. I thought this was working but, I melted because of all the distrust! I cannot live with him in this situation and our 5 yo daughter told me she cannot stand the arguing. Since I now work outside of the house FT and he runs the Home daycare, he thinks we should be seperated for a while and wants me to go stay with a friend or family member and still contribute to the bills at home! I feel that if I leave the house, he will move her in as I read on a text sent to her today..."just think when you move in, you will be able to save $ on daycare....." I confronted him and he said I violated his privacy and he was done with me and our marriage. he told me to move out for good. I know that he is pushing me again so that I will back down and beg please don't, etc, etc. The fact is that I would not be able to stand the OW living in my house!(it is a rental, we do not own). I do not know if I should take my daughter and go stay with my friend(which I told him I was going to do tomorrow) or just pack up and go live with his mom out of state. His mom has told me that we are welcome and completely disagrees with his behavior. I do realize this is still her son no matter what and am not sure if this is safe for me either!? HELP!

Last edited by tru2luv; 12/23/07 09:10 PM.
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First thing you should do is to expose it to her husband again.

You probably already know this, use Plan A and expose to anyone whom your H respects including his parents, friends, etc.

I don't think you should move out at all unless he is physically abusive or something in that nature.

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tru2luv Offline OP
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That sounds right. The crazy thing is that he justifies talking to her as being okay because I know that he is talking to her and he has been 'honest with me about that'.

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He is not physically abusive. It is constant arguing and anxiety on my part that is fueling the arguing. My poor little girl has to listen to it and I feel like I cannot control that. I feel it is not healthy for her.

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Hi tru2luv!

I'm so sorry that you find yourself here but you are in the right place!!

Welcome to MB.

There's not a whole lot of traffic at night here but sometimes vets are around. If not, I know they'll be right on your thread in the a.m.

I know they will likely tell you NOT to move out.

Hang in there, tru2luv!!

((((((((((((((tru2luv)))))))))))))))


Charlotte22

BS-42
WH-Mr. Gray-52
M-15.5y
DS*DIL-26, DGS-1
DS*DIL-22
DD-21
Dday: 6/27/07 (Plan A-sort of)
10/30-BRAVE NEW WORLD! Exposure!
11/1-Filed D
11/21-Temp hearing, Shiny takes all
12/15-Plan B
5/13/08-Spousal support extended, my Shiny
Attorney totally ROCKS!!
7/17-Court again, Shiny rules!
7/22-OWH temp hearing, Shiny kicks butt again!
12/11-Mediation; Gray won't budge, we are now headed for trial

Shiny="A Dynamic Force of Epic Proportions"

Shiny WILL win!! No doubt, Sugah!
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tru2luv, please be advised that bestangel is a troll.

Have you read about plan A yet? Have you exposed to his church and family?

It is NOT ok for him to talk to her. I was "honest" with my husband that I was having an affair, that didn't make it ok. Honesty doesn't outweigh bad behavior. He's in fogworld right now, much of what he says and does will not make sense.

The focus of Plan A is to improve yourself, with no expectations of him.

But Plan A is tough if he's cake-eating. He should write a no contact letter, which you approve and send to the OW. There are several examples of them in these threads.

I'm pretty new here, but some vets will be around for you soon. It's kind of slow around here on the weekends.

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Thanks for the encouragement! I am usually not us this late either, can't sleep.
My husband has asked me a couple times for 'space' and to take a couple weeks and stay with someone. He told me today that if I would not keep 'pushing him' he probably would have been done talking to her by now. He said I am making him not want to be around me. I guess I should start increasing my anti-depressants instead of trying to come off of them!

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It is constant arguing and anxiety on my part that is fueling the arguing. My poor little girl has to listen to it and I feel like I cannot control that. I feel it is not healthy for her.

A good plan A will help you stop this cycle of anxiety and anger, because you stop focusing on trying to change him and get control of your life again.

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Okay, go back to Plan A. Any helpful tips on how to stay there longer than two weeks-that is all I lasted before.

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Definately do not move out of your house, because that will give him "room" and "space" to further his affair. In addition, Plan A will not work as well if you're seperated.

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Ugh, so sorry you find yourself here. Affairs are an addictive behavior, as you are witnessing. It is generally not recommended that the BS leave thier home, no matter what you do, do not abandon your child. It doesn't appear you are contemplating that.

If you two truly cannot coexist peacefully in the same house, then one of you has to leave. Since he is the one engaged in the adultery, it should be him that leaves. No matter what you decide regarding that, you should not enable the A. That means if you leave and he brings the OW into the home, you should not assist with the costs of maintaining what will have become his love shack.

Have you contacted OWH again and told him what is happening? Who else have you exposed the A to? This will seem rather drastic, but what about the parents of the other children that attend the home daycare? I know I would not want to bring my children into such a volatile environment. I can't imagine they would either. Exposing to them is likely to destroy the business, but such a step is also likely to bring reality crashing down on your H, especially if you are not living there and not paying the bills.

What do you want to happen? Do you want to be married to this man? If so, then you need to begin plan A, doing so while living apart is challenging. Not impossible, but more difficult. In Plan A you meet ALL of the WS needs wihtout out expecting anything in return. You also do everything in your power to kill the A.

I would hesitate to take your daughter out of state, or to your MIL's house. The bottom line best scenario for you is to stay in the home. If someone has to leave, it should be him.

Read up on the plans and really decide what you WANT to happen. It is quite possible to save a marriage from infidelity, the plans here really do work but they are oftentimes counter-intuitive. Lean on the folks here, we will help you. I'm sure someone with more experience than me will be here to help you.

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Thanks for the encouragement! I am usually not us this late either, can't sleep.
My husband has asked me a couple times for 'space' and to take a couple weeks and stay with someone. He told me today that if I would not keep 'pushing him' he probably would have been done talking to her by now. He said I am making him not want to be around me. I guess I should start increasing my anti-depressants instead of trying to come off of them!

Again, Plan A will make him not feel "pushed." Until he has established NC and gone through withdrawal (takes about 3 weeks after NC) he isn't going to listen to anything you have to say about the relationship. I know, I've been there. You cannot talk sense into an active wayward, it's like trying to get an addict to put down the pipe. He will say anything to get his next fix of OW.

Breathe. You have time. Gather yourself together and figure out how you are going to implement your PLAN. That puts you in control. When you have a plan you are proactive instead of reactive. The dog is wagging the tail, and not the other way around.

Do not finance him moving out in anyway. If he is determined to go do not give him any money or furniture - don't enable him.

Strength and Peace to you!

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Truthfully, until the last day or so my full intent is for the marriage to work. I have faith in God and faith he can provide what is necessary for us to succeed. We have been married for 13years and together almost 17! That is half of my life! However, since there are so many other factors...poor finances, his continual reliance on pain and sleeping medications (for several years now) and his family history of affairs, bankruptcy's, addictions, it makes me wonder if he could ever overcome all of this! He seems to always take the hard road and set himself (and our family) up for failure. Now I am really confused when I look at all of these factors too! UGH!!

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Truthfully, until the last day or so my full intent is for the marriage to work. I have faith in God and faith he can provide what is necessary for us to succeed. We have been married for 13years and together almost 17! That is half of my life! However, since there are so many other factors...poor finances, his continual reliance on pain and sleeping medications (for several years now) and his family history of affairs, bankruptcy's, addictions, it makes me wonder if he could ever overcome all of this! He seems to always take the hard road and set himself (and our family) up for failure. Now I am really confused when I look at all of these factors too! UGH!!

Is he really good day care material? Best you stay and he moves out.

Notify OW's H, expose where you can, secure your finances, secure your children's custody and move him out. Do a background check on the OW and warn all the parent's at the daycare. Who knows who else the OW has put the moves on?

There's a lot for you to do. Read SAA (Harley) and Love must be tough (Dobson). Read up on plans A & B, then implement them when you are ready. Plan A is easier but usually not successful in breaking the A but it will help you find balance and get stronger. Identify your personal and M boundaries, get your mind and heart in sync. Then you w/b able to move forward with a good plan B when you are ready.

Calling Steve H @ MB for some phone counseling w/b a good start. If you can't, find a local MC in your area who is familiar with MB concepts.

take care,
L.

L.

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My husband told me that he is moving out. He is pissed because I agreed last Tuesday to going with my daughter for 4-6 weeks and staying with a friend and now I have changed my mind. I asked him in that time of our 'seperation' if he would promise that the OW would not step foot onto our property. He said he wouldn't promise that because she will probably come by so that they could 'talk'. I told him that it is not right for me and my daughter to move out and that if he chooses to continue his contact with her, then he can move out! He said he would. Should I stay in Plan A until he leaves?
The other thing is that he thinks he is going to come back here to work the home daycare each day. I know from what several of you have told me that I need to inform the parents. One thing I believe is that if I do, than they will more than likely not want him to watch their kids anymore. If that happens than he will probably never forgive me for 'taking away his only source of income'. That would not fall in line with what SAA says about transitioning from Plan A to Plan B. There will be not EN that I will have met before he left. In fact, it would create a reason not to come back to the marriage once the affair ends.
I have told him that he is the one choosing this. He says that he is but that has nothing to do with his job. He said if he cannot work than he cannot support himself or help me to support our daughter. This is a good point.Does anyone have feedback on these issues?
Please help, I am not sure what to do!

Last edited by tru2luv; 12/23/07 08:41 PM.
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So at this point I should....calm down and get myself together. Then work on Plan A for me. Then I should give him the choice of eliminating contact with her or moving out? When I asked him to move out, he comes back with but I work out of the house and have the daycare. You don't want me to survive to help support ****(our 5 yo daughter)? As I am writing this I kind of know the answer to this should be that is your choice, not mine.

Orchid: Breathing exercises helped me. I even had anxiety attacks.

Strengthen yourself. If you find having him around as a WS is toxic to you and your family, ask him to move out. He still is obligated to his responsibilities and it is his problem to figure it out. WS' don't like to think... have you noticed this?

Let him know his actions don't make him good daycare material. That will let him know he has to straighten himself out. Of course he may babble more..... read my links on reverse babble to know how to give the WS back their guilt.

If you've got some WS babble you want input on, let us know.

L.

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You're getting some great advice here and I can't add much to that, but I wanted to comment on the following:
Quote
I confronted him and he said I violated his privacy and he was done with me and our marriage. he told me to move out for good.

My husband has asked me a couple times for 'space' and to take a couple weeks and stay with someone. He told me today that if I would not keep 'pushing him' he probably would have been done talking to her by now. He said I am making him not want to be around me.
This is all fog-babble and you should not take it seriously. You're standing in the way of his drug and he'll say anything to move you out of the way. He'll blame you for everything and you shouldn't take it to heart. I mean, how irrational is it that he blames you for his talking to the OW when you don't want him talking to her? Don't move out (thereby allowing WH to move OW in with him) because that won't help you kill the A or recover the M. Wayward spouses don't need 'space' from anyone other than the AP.


BH (Me): 33, XWW: 33
Married 1999, No kids
EA: 11/04?-10/07, PA: 05/07
D-Day: 06/07
Divorced: 04/09
Affair is over for OP but not for WS
WW wants to move away w/o me
WW moved away w/o me
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tru2luv Offline OP
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Referring to comments about the home daycare. If I decide to be the one to stay in the house, I do not want to run the daycare. I have a FT job elsewhere that I enjoy. I do think future opportunities are better for me at this job. When I asked him to leave before, I left my other two jobs to take care of the daycare and I wasn't exactly happy about it. The positive thing is that I was able to be there for my daughter and I worry about her coming off the school bus and staying at the house with him & this OW until I can pick her up from work. This thought sickens me!I do believe that the daycare (his job and income) is a big reason why he came back. He tried to watch a couple kids out of her house and he wasn't making enough money. I think that he uses the line..."wouldn't you want me to be happy and be able to continue to make money to help support our daughter". Is it wrong and vindictive to take away his only source of income? I told him after the last time that the daycare was not really for me to do day in and day out-he uses that as then why not let me take it over when I am willing and able? Him leaving will be a big fight and he has been manipualting me to push me out the door(I just realize this as I am writing). I am not quite sure if I should retain an attorney before I push the issue of him moving out? I did speak to an attorney before when we were seperated-the law is vague and it is really up to which way I want to go.One of my thoughts was that if I and my duaghter leave the house, then I can save money and clean up my credit to get back on my feet without his income. This will create the scenario he wanted from the beginning-he and the other woman to live here together. My friend says that I am giving him exactly what he wants. If I stay and force him to leave then I will be hit with all of the bills, rent, etc. that I am unable to pay on my own. Okay-breathe-take one day at a time.
PS How do I get in touch with Steve for counseling?

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YOU aren't taking away his income. Its not your fault he can't run a business out of a home he can't afford on his own while living a lifestyle none of his clients approve of, is it?

Seriously, this guy is fit to care for children with all the drug abuse and all? I think that answers itself. You should also be aware that MB methods do not work on substance addicts, or at least are not as effective. Something about the chemical addiction needing to be dealt with before the A addiction can be. Others will know more.

Its a rental, let him have it if you don't care about it, but don't PAY for him to carry on his A in it. Again, it is NOT YOUR CHOICE to live this way, this is a result of HIS choices.

Why are you two unable to live together? Is he violent or abusive?

You can find info on contacting the Harley on the top of this site. "Counseling Center" I believe.

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As far as us not being able to live together....
We have been arguing and I realize I have fallen into the pattern of angry outbursts, etc. Originally, a few months back (when he wasn't talking to the OW) he suggested that maybe I go stay with a family member for a couple weeks so that he can get through that time frame and we won't keep arguing. Since he has begun talking (essentially restarting the A) with the OW again, he suggested the same again. He has said various things like, "this will allow me to 'work through' the affair that we had and work through our feelings. Both of us know that it is not right but, our feelings and love is so strong"....blah,blah,blah.

When I have responded to this and said 'there is nothing right about what you are doing, feelings or not you are still going against the Bible and doing what is best for yourself, me, our daughter" He actually responded by saying that "he knew where the Bible stands but he did know what was right for him"

My question is when I am in Plan A (and I will be getting the book), I am supposed to just ignore the fact that he is talking to her on the computer, very possibly spending money on her (money which we desperately need to put food on the table), etc. How am I to deal with the financial destruction and lack of control there. We have seperate checking accounts since we were seperated back in March/April. If he will not comply to not talking to her in the house, etc. and spending $ on her (he just lies about this when I know it is a fact) then what am I to do? Stay in Plan A? It is almost impossible to maintain control of myself when utilities not getting paid, etc, etc.

This is why I thought that moving out would be better stability for my daughter and myself. He refuses to be responsible in any way. Basically, he does not care about the marriage and says that if I cannot give him the time that he needs to do 'this'(more or less talk and carry on the A) then he understands. He said we should just get a divorce and maybe we can reconcile in the future. Let's see what happens....

Thoughts, suggestions, please....

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