Yes, I am.

RU,

My MS is the one who found the cell phone with text messages of what WH and OW did together. MS called her and told him he had her phone. She said it was her boyfriends and he said well, I can get my dad to give it to you.

Yeah my dad is.....

There was silence on the phone.

Mothers' Day my kids were in an awful mood, didn't know why, just thought they were teenagers. WH ended up going to work and didn't cook dinner for me until Monday night. We had the most amazing conversation, I left for a meeting and then my two boys confronting their dad.

WH told the kids he loved her and walked out. My kids hate him and I have to say, he hasn't helped his cause by blaming the kids for not keeping in contact with him.

My heart breaks for all the kids who lives are effected and changed forever in ways we can't understand. I would offer you to pray to G-d and seek his guidance on what to do. G-d doesn't have grandchildren and he is hurting for them as well.

Do you have anything going on your day/week that builds you up? Do you have the opportunity to spend time with other moms or pursue any interests/hobbies? Can you join an exercise class or gym? I know during my SAHM days, it was easy to slip into dressing every day in slumpy sweats, jamming my hair back in a ponytail, and not touching a lick of makeup. Is that how you are? Are there things you can look into doing that can help you into moving into a stronger place emotionally?

If you are asking "Do I have any time away from the kids?" - the answer is basically "no".

I do have a "job", so to speak...I watch children in a nursery at a church while my son gets something like a playdate with other kids.

However, there is hardly a time where I get to do things by myself...or even just with H. The "15 hours" a week thing is impossible...

I have gotten this advice before, but lack of time and money is a major issue. Maybe if the day had 40 hours...

Could you pray to G-d for some help with showing you how you could build yourself up or find sometime to be alone with your H.

Remember, if you have FAITH in G-d. NOTHING is impossible. You just might have to be more creative.

I was just thinking of posting to you about needing 40 hrs in a day to get all that has to be done, completed. Oh, and that doesn't include potty runs (for you) and sleep!

I remember those days when I had 5 kids, those were the busiest of my life. With the oldest just turning 8, they were too young to care for themselves and still needed me or my guidance most of the time.

See, I can fully understand when you say that you don't have time for yourself, much less 15 hours of time with your spouse. With children those ages, you truly are that *busy*.

May I ask you something, RU? How did you and your H decide to have the # of children that you've had within the time frame that you've had them? Was it out of religious convictions? A decision that you both made together?

I ask because I'm trying to understand the frame of mind that your H was coming from to do what he did. If I'm offending you in any way, please tell me to stop. But I deeply believe that when this type of situation happens in a M where there are more children than the norm, and those children are especially young, that it's an indication that the WS has family of origin (FOO) issues going on.

Here at MB we generally say, hey the WS strayed because his/her emotional needs weren't being met. That reason isn't fully applicable when there is a family situation that the WS's willing participation created, that draws from the BS having needs met or extracts additional sacrifice on the BS's part. One has to dig for deeper issues when facing the A.

So I thought I would ask, in order to understand better.


Jewel

We did not use BC due to my H being Catholic.

I was an atheist up until about January 2007. Had been since college, but brought up Episcopal. I agreed to bring the kids up Catholic when I married him.

When he walked out, my children and I began going to a Divorce Care class. I found my way back to having faith again...although it is now shaken again.

So much I thought was a gift from God last year. Now it is like he was pulling a cruel joke.

Ironic - the "good" Catholic committed adultery, while the atheist/Born Again Christian stayed faithful.

RU,

One of the things many SAHM's tend to believe is that they are "in service" all the time - in other words, that they don't get time off.

You deserve time off from your JOB - which is a full time job as much as mine is - and you deserve that time off as much as your husband does, I do, your pastor does, and the lady at the grocery store check-out stand does. Don't put yourself in the mindset that you are always on duty, please. There must be times in your day, in your week, where you take the time to renew and refresh yourself. Because without that time, you lose yourself and become so engrossed in being what you are to other people

that you lose who you are to yourself.

It is important to understand that you must be able to build yourself up

in order to build the marriage up.

Because the marriage is between two PEOPLE

You
and
him

and not between you and him and all the kids - although the kids are a part of the family.

The primary relationship of husband and wife is the foundation of the family, and your foundation needs to be built and refreshed regularly.

Each of you needs to be strong.

He needs to be a person of integrity, strength, and health.

And so do you.

That takes time alone, so you can focus on the things that give you renewal.

And

That takes time together as a couple, to create intimacy and bonding together.

(By intimacy, I'm NOT talking about sexual intimacy.)


My recommendation is to find another woman, or a group of women, and start an exchange of day care time between you. It would be FREE OF CHARGE. Keep track of the hours, and trade time off!!!!! Keep each other's kids for a few hours a week, create a bank of time, and

use that time for YOUR OWN RENEWAL.

Or as date time.

It doesn't take lots of hours, RU.

But once you get hold of a few hours, you will want and crave more. You will realize that just sitting quietly in the park reading a book alone is just what you needed - or window shopping alone - or having coffee with a girlfriend without any kids - or checking out that new museum - or meeting your husband for lunch on Wednesday - or, or, or....

There are so many options. And just taking a sandwich to meet him for lunch costs nothing.

Just someone to watch the kids for a couple of hours.

And you can bank it in just a couple of hours.


Think creatively - and think "I CAN do this."

SB

Quite a bit of what was posted was placed into quotes...and unfortunately I cannot delete that portion of the thread.

Basically, the title says it all. I was/am looking for concrete, step by step instructions to surviving this situation and recovering.

Thanks for the encouragement.

Schoolbus - I'm trying to start a babysitting swap situation with other moms. I'll see what happens with that.

As for building myself up...well, that is the only direction I can go at this point.

It's the right direction. And you will find it will make a huge difference all the way around.

SB

In reading another thread, I see some of you have ideas about keeping depression at bay with natural means. I've used ADs before with little benefit, if any.

Could you tell me what natural remedies you've seen work?

Thanks in advance.

I saw your other thread about natural vs medical. I think you're doing the right thing by calling a provider.

I haven't used AD's since I haven't had a diagnosis of depression before. But I did use St John's wort and counseled with a cognitive/behavioral IC following my dday.

In this type of situation, the help of an independent, unbiased, third-party person can be very constructive in personal recovery.

I'm cutting and pasting what I posted on your other thread:



Quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

can I even use ADs or natural remedies while nursing?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Do I dare post this??? I sure don't want a debate about alternative medicine!

Our family has been under the care of a homeopathic DO for over 13 years and have much success treating many illnesses. My dr. always prescribed a homeopathic remedy called Ignatia for emotional upset and grief. It is what I used to finally get me past my depression.

Here is a link that discusses homeopathy and depression. Notice that it is the remedy recommend for depression caused from heartbreak or betrayal.

http://members.tripod.com/LMhomeopathy/depression.html

Homeopathy is safe while nursing. The only caution is when using a remedy that might affect milk supply. For instance, when I had a miscarriage, my dr. prescribed a remedy to dry up my milk. Some remedies are used to help establish a sufficient milk supply. I am pretty sure Ignatia does not affect milk supply because I think it is sometimes used for post-partum. I will double check this right away and post if I find otherwise.

Be aware that homeopathy and herbal medicine is NOT the same thing. Some herbs can have serious side affects. So if you want to take that route, check with an herbalist or someone who is knowledgeable.

I would also recommend exercising 3 or more times a week not matter how hard it is to get started. It is proven to help with depression. If I remember correctly, it stimulates the brain to produce certain chemicals (endorphins). I would also recommend eating as healthy as possible, taking vitamins, and drinking lots of water (especially since you are nursing). Nursing also causes your body to release endorphins (which in nursing circles are referred to as the "natural happy drugs". So...nurse away. Just be sure you are eating enough and getting enough water. My dr. always told me to take calcium no matter how healthy I ate, because having been pregnant and nursing for so long, chances were high that my body's calcium was being depleted.

RU,

Would you please give more info on your situation. If I remember correctly, you have deleted most of the info, and I really don't know the status of your situation (I will go back and check this thread).

How long was the A? Emotional/physical? When did it end? How did it end? NC letter? Do you have the books SAA and His Needs Her Needs? Are you two in counseling? Is it MB friendly? What is your WS doing to ensure no contact, transparency, and accountability? What are you both doing to restore your love for each other?

{{{{{{RU}}}}}}

Since SMB asked some very important questions, I'd also like to ask you,RU, about the remark regarding your H being "oblivious" to your feelings in the other thread? What's happening? Is he not validating your feelings over what has happened?

Jewel

Most of the information on my situation is still here on the thread.

My DDay was October 29th - day after my birthday. Certainly won't look forward to that day anymore. The OW's mother called me and told me of the adultery. WS denied it until I had an email exchange with this person and proof was attached to the email.

NC has been established, but no NC letter. WS says the OW's mother is crazy and will cause problems with any kind of contact. I wanted him to write this, but he refuses and says NC is enough.

Yes, I have those books. HNHN would have been helpful before the fact...now I'm just finding all literature about this subject unenlightening. (I'm very low and my 'interpretations' of what is written is bringing more pain than insight.)

Yes, we are in MC.

There is little difference in actions by WS. He says where he's going, but I have little trust at this point.

As for restoration - LBs abound in our relationship right now. I'm trying, but I'm so hurt and angry and resentful of his actions, angry outbursts are common. Of course, I'm getting very little understanding and am seeing little remorse on his side. In his mind, it is 'over' and 'I don't think about it anymore'. (Nice for him, huh?)

Anyway...there are more particulars here too. Guess if he decides to read here, he'll know who is posting. All I've said is pretty telling.

WS says "He's Sorry" and "He Understands". In essense, I am told my feelings are my problem and I have to get over them so we can "move forward".

Do you think he is still in contact but has just gone underground more?

When my FWH refused to send a NC letter, he was still very wayward and resumed the affair shortly thereafter.

When he defogged and came home, he immediately and eagerly sent the letter.

I will post more later about the info you have shared.

but I have no proof of that.

RU,

I've re-read your posts and am concerned about a few things. When you said that your WH refuses to do a NC letter because the OW's mom is crazy and will cause problems with any type of contact...how does your WH justify this?

Is the OW a minor living at home with her parents? Or a very young woman who still lives at home? I can't see a mom causing that many problems for her adult daughter's AP ...well, unless she knows your WH's boss or is your landlady.

Seriously, he's using the OW mom as an excuse. Not good.


Given your WH's attitude and that you don't have a NC letter, please don't consider him to be in no contact or your M to be in active R.