Hello, everyone. I'm re-posting my story here in General Questions. I originally put it in the "just found out" category. Thanks again to "lied-to-again" for their advice. Here's my story:

I’m devastated. I never saw this coming. I really need advice. Last week I inadvertently came across things that led me ultimately to confronting my DH about his A. He admitted it within 1 minute of my confronting him. He’s extremely remorseful and wants to start over with us.

Here’s the background. DH has been depressed for literally years. He is a disbarred attorney. He lost his license to practice law about a year ago when he just basically stopped doing his job. He was a solo practitioner. He lost his office, his car got repossessed, our house is in foreclosure.

I’ve been working full-time all during this period, but my income alone is just not enough. After much job searching, DH finally got a job in June, 2007 working for a mortgage banker. After 2½ months the company went out of business, so he lost that job. That was last August. The last time he saw the OW was August 31 as near I can figure. In Oct. 2007 he got another job working as an executive recruiter, and that’s where he’s still working. Unfortunately, that job only pays $26K. It’s plus commissions too, but he’s made exactly 0 so far in commissions.

Money is extremely tight needless to say, and has been for long time. I’ve had to sell my dead mother’s heirlooms to literally put food on the table. We’re enrolled in all the low income programs relating to getting discounts on the electric bill and heating bill. What angers me is that I found out that DH has been giving the OW money for years! I haven’t found any evidence of huge amounts, but it’s definitely at least $5K in that 2.5 year period. He paid her cable bill when his own family was doing without cable t.v. all last year.

Now, my DH is in an entirely different place regarding his A than I am. As far as he’s concerned, it’s the past. It’s been 5 months since he’s had contact with her. He wants us to try to get money for our house (we’re currently in negotiations with the bank regarding a short sale) and move to Florida where the cost of living is much cheaper than NJ. I want that too. But as far as I’m concerned, this A is NEW news to me and needs to be dealt with.

DH tells me that the relationship was totally physical. That is, not emotional at all. I guess that’s supposed to make me feel better, but it doesn’t. For instance, I’m guessing he kissed her at some point in time. How can you kiss somebody and not have emotion? But also, as I said before, I never saw this coming. He has never withdrawn from me emotionally, and I most certainly did not notice a change in his behavior (aside from the unaccounted for late nights) when the A ended.

I realize that I’m lucky in that my DH definitely doesn’t want anything to do with the OW ever again. He wants to move to FL asap and start over. But I’m still in such emotional pain. Is going to a MC the answer at this point? I mentioned seeing a MC, and although he agreed to it, I can tell that he’s extremely worried that that will lead to me divorcing him.

What bothers me too is that now I feel like this is MY secret too. I know that “Exposure” is something that needs to be done in order to stop an A. Well, my DH’s A stopped 5 months ago. Is Exposure still necessary? I think I feel like DH would feel that he “got away with it” if I don’t tell people about it. I'm so angry. I guess telling people would be like my getting revenge or something. I know that's not productive for moving forward but I can't help feeling like I want to tell everyone.

Any insight/comments would be much appreciated.

Jeanne,

First, welcome to MB. You will find just as the rest of us have that it is a great place to help you get thru the worst thing that can happend to a marriage, particularly a BS.

Please read the sections on the site on infidelity and but the books Surviving an Affair, His Needs Her Needs, and Love Busters. Since money is an issue for you, you can probably find them used on Amazon.

That is very typical from the WS. Yes, the affair is in the past, but it's affects will define the rest of your lives and your marriage.

Pretending it didn't happen is not the solution. It is great that he wants nothing to do with OW, that he is sorry ... but there is far more work to be done in order for you to recover and your marriage to even begin to recover.

You have much work to do, but he has the bulk of it on his shoulders.


Is the OW married? if she is, her BH needs to be told. Beyond that, since the affair has ended, there is really no need to tell anyone unless you want to share with a close girlfriend to help you get thru this. More would be revenge and I think you will regret too many people knowing later.

I'm sure others here will have more to add to this.

Also, The Florida move is an excellent idea. I thank God every day that I never had to worry about running into the OW as she lived nearly 3000 miles away.


Best,

Who

Thanks so much for your reply, Who. The OW is not married as far as I know. And that's part of the point really, I don't know many details. Whenever I ask DH for more information, I encounter the heavy sigh and reluctant response. And, at this point, I'm not really sure if he's telling me the truth about it anyway!

For instance, he claims that he broke off the A. I'm not so sure. I know that the A ended shortly after he lost that job over last summer. And he had been giving her money all along. Maybe she was like "oh, you can't give me money, so bye..." I don't know. And if, in fact, he DIDN'T end it voluntarily, well then where does that leave me? He did say he never thought of leaving me, and I do believe that, but yeah, he might have just continued it for all I know if he hadn't lost that job.

Oh, and here's a lovely one -- DH has described the A as something that he "gave to himself" to make himself feel better. He compared it to getting his sports car (that one that has since been repossessed).

I know I said in my first post that I wanted to make it, but today I've felt nothing but anger towards him. His betrayal was so bad -- I mean to go on for so long and keep that secret! When I think of the events that happened during that time period, and then think that he was in the midst of this A -- it just makes me sick.

Sorry, just venting more...

Welcome Jeanne, glad you hopped over.

And keep venting, we have all been there, some of us are still there and we all know how it feels!

jeanne-

I've been cheated on one too many times. recently found about a 3 m affair my husband had. There are going to be days you are angry (even mins) and the next day you are happier, coping better. I read this book "after the affair" it helped me a bit to understand the crazy feelings. and this site too helped me of course.

my therapist said to me not to take my husbands A "personally" it was about him. Maybe that is what your husband meant by his words.

Yes, that's exactly what DH says to me. He says it wasn't about him trying to get away from me, but rather he was depressed and the A was a way for him to feel better about things.

I understand the concept, but I simply cannot NOT take it personally. It's just hurtful. Plus the betrayal. Not to mention giving her money when his own family was struggling.

Thanks, 5years, I know there are books out there. This is all new to me right now. I'm sure I'll find resources to help me as time goes on. And this forum has helped already.

One question I have - if he has struggled with depression for so long, and he admits that the A was his poor way of dealing with his depression - what is his plan for dealing with his depression in the furture?
How does he plan to protect you, and protect your M, from future disaster.
because frankly, if he does not have a great, professional plan, history will repeat itself
and just moving to FL is not a good enough plan. it is a good addition to a plan, but not a plan all by iteslf. There are needy women in FL who he can find to "give himself"

Especailly now that the sport car is gone......what else does he have to self medicate with???

Good point. He says quite simply Florida is "bright" and NJ is "dark." Yes, I think he needs a little more focus in that area. All sarcasm aside though, you're right that he's used the excuse of depression for far too long. I don't think he was depressed last summer when he got that job, for example.


Interesting you should say this. He said the OW was a drug addict that he helped wean off drugs. Is there some of "man who saves the day" kind of commonality among wayward spouses??

No, there is a commonality in all of us that we all have emotional needs. He may have a strong EN for Admiration (for example) which OW was able to meet.

Dr Harley has created an EN questionnaire on the site that you can both fill in. However, I have to warn you that my WH never even considered Admiration as an EN and actually it is his top one so you might want to follow your instincts too.

Your H is still extremely foggy which concerns me that he might still be in contact with the OW. Have you been spying on him to see what he is doing? Have you SPOKEN to the OW yourself?

Would your therapist also say this to a rape victim? What an ODD thing for a therapist to say. Of course a spouse will take adultery "personally" because it is absolutely the most cruel betrayal a spouse can inflict on his partner. People have nervous breakdowns and commit suicide over adultery. It is as traumatic as being RAPED or the death of the child.

I don't think some therapists GET the very real psychological trauma inflicted by affairs.

Jeanne,

I was exactly where you are 76 days ago. My FWH had a 2.5 year A and it WAS an emotional entanglement. He was actually still emailing her on the day I found out, although he claims the physical connection was over in April. Rather than give you my whole story here, why don't you do a search on my user name and read all my threads. It's all there, about how I am handling this.


I did disclose to close friends (and some of his knew, but did not tell me, whileit was going on). But no members of our extended family knows. I really want to tell my mother, but she has enough worries in her life and lives too far away for me to talk to regularly, so I might just tell her that we are in MC and working to create a better marriage. She is very astute and might figure out the truth anyway.

Your story sounds so similar to mine - depressed husband and all, except, fortunately, we don't have the financial worries that you do.

We are currently on vacation in Florida. I have broken my promise not to talk about the As. I seem to be able to "forget" about it every second day now. I even went 8 hours in the car without having negative thoughts.

If your H is truly contrite, he will go to MC with you. He will promise to answer all your questions. He will promise to be open and honest about everything in his life. He will give you open access to everything he does and thinks - even if he thinks it will hurt you. Knowing that you might be hurt by an answer is better than being ambushed by the truth at some later point. If that makes sense.

Keep posting here. Keep a journal. Get Marriage Counselling. Distract yourself. Talk to friends. Don't give up.