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Joined: Oct 2007
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We are 6 months past D-day and have done just about everything with Marriage Builders concepts. I feel proud of my husband for working at making changes to repair the great amount of damage he did in the year he had and affair with my best friend. There has been NC since the beginning when he read a letter I approved of over the phone ending their affair. I'm no longer crying every other minute, like I did the first 3 months. Feel like I can handle a lot more now - like I'm getting back to normal.

I have no intention of giving up on my husband. He is remorseful and seems changed. But I do feel like some sort of wall is creeping up inside of me. I HATE what they did and it continues to shock me that they did it for a whole year. I feel so wronged and nothing can ever make it right. I know I was a good wife and I know I was a great friend - I don't know how you treat people as cruelly as they did. Some times when I look at him all I see is how disgusting he is for what he did. I feel bad for even writing that.

Will somebody lay out a possible time line for getting back to real living?

Please tell me these thoughts will pass!!

I keep praying for my heart to soften and be forgiving - and I am working everyday on that. God is the only sure thing I have.

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DKA, from all I've read and seen posted here, 2 years until really considered recovered.

Maybe the long term MBvets can give you more specifics but I truly think it depends on each individual couple.

It sounds as if you and your H are doing well and on the right road.

I'm at the 6 month mark too. I know what you are feeling about the wall and the disgust. Time, Effort, Focus are the things that will eventually make the difference...I HOPE. I also think consistancy from your WH will be a key...earning that trust back and hoping again here that eventually the A is a memory that is NOT forefront in your brain as often.


EA4-7/07,Dday7/29,NC 7/30/07
ME 47 WH 48
Married 30 yrs.
2 DD,4 GC
Found out
Learning
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DKA,

Pretty much ditto of what mvg just typed. I am one year since the end of the A but only 6 months of NC (due to them working together).

I am sure that the fact that it was your supposed friend that was the OW this is double betrayal and i am sure complicates and already complicated situation.

It does sound like you are on the right road, just keep your chim up and keep using the MB principles. I can tell you that even though i still have the thoughts quite often they have lessened with time (as you said yours have too) so i am sure that if our FWHs keep building and earning our trust back that the thoughts will eventually go away all together.

Good luck!

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DontKnowAnymore

The real timelime for recovery of your M is a very subjectve thing. There are many mitigating factors that will directly affect this.

The majority of responses here will tell you two years. That's a pretty good rule of thumb, but it is wholy dependant on the efforts of both you and your Wh in terms of your strict application of MB priciples of R.

For instance, your WH will have to agree to become totally trannsparent to you in all matters that could possibly affect your emotions. Also, the policy of radical honesty and the policy of joint agreement as outlined by Dr H is absolutely essential. No M infected by infidelity will recover without it being firmly entrench in the recovered M.

I used to bristle when folks would say 2 years because for me it took closer to 4 years before I wouold even consider being vunerable to my FWW again. It wasn't till she fully embraced POJA and RH, that I could do that.

Guess I'm saying that the willines of your FWH to get on board with these MB princibles will make all the difference in your timeline. For the record, 6 mos. is still a very short time, and your anger phase is about to kick in. It's normal. That's why they call this a rollar coater ride. don't beat yourself up about it. It is a very necessary part of the grieving process and it too, shall fade.

Strap yourself in for the ride, you'll be in my prayers.

All Blessings,
Jerry

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DKA, I am a newbie. D day was last Thursday - my emotions are certainly like a roller coaster as Jerry stated and last Thursday - Friday - Saturday all I could "see" was them together - it drove me crazy!!!

Began getting easier Saturday evening when my WH finally admitted the last thing I knew he had to tell me. He has been transparent and now I only think of them together about 10 times a day instead of like 100 times.

We have embraced the concepts on this web site and read together. I think we are moving quickly down the road to recovery but I also know there will be bumps in the road. However, I am now in a positive place where before I thought I would never STOP crying or feeling the hatred I did.

I wish you the best of luck - keep your chin up and my recommendation is do something wonderful for YOU!!


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Shinethrough -- That is what I'm asking about -- you mentioned an "anger phase" about to kick in. I get that this whole thing is a roller coaster ride, I mean I really get that at this point!

But are there some typical stages that I can expect along the way? I mean does this stage typically last a month or 6 months? Consider that we ARE doing things the MB way with NC.

Like if I'm heading into being angry and that's what normally happens around now it helps me understand what is going on inside of me (and explain that to my husband too) So we don't start thinking things are going downhill, but rather this really is a normal stage.

For instance I want to tell HurtingBadly, that you may think you're in a good place, but that will be short lived. It goes totally from doing good to feeling the worst pain of your life on and off for at least the first two months. So when you crash again and maybe right now you don't know if you will or not, it's normal and you will get through it. I feel so awful for anyone experiencing that intense pain at the beginning. I'm so sorry.

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Quote:

I feel so awful for anyone experiencing that intense pain at the beginning.


For me this intense pain still comes and its almost been 9 months.

The ONLY difference is that I have tools such as getting on my knees and praying to ask G-d to help me walk through it.

I remember when I first came on here I wanted the timeline. They have them for everything. I think the best advice about a timeline is where are YOU in the recovery. Because that's what matters the most. Timelines comes from averages...some quick... some forever like mine.

There is a link here, I will try to find it or if someone else knows it where it talks about the grief stages. That is a good one to read and gain some understanding. The one that I have experienced the most are denial, bargaining, minimal anger and now acceptance. Even though I accept and have completely surrendered and I do that daily, I am still sad. The feelings dont' change.

I think there is a process of going through it and recognizing the stage you are in at the time is more of what's important than the timeline. And recognizing that you keep going through them, it's not you are in the denial stage and it's over. I have denial hit me a few times a week still. So IMNHO - helping someone understand that they are just going to be up and down for a long time is the most help, because time take time.

I HATE THAT TOO. I wanted the answers and there aren't any. All I can do is ask G-d for guidance in walking through whatever I am feeling at the moment and the sheer desparation of not knowing what is going to happen, and realizing that it will be ok as long as I turn it over to G-d. He has a plan for all of us, I just am choosing today to get out of his way.

I hope that helps. I am with you, I can completely empthasize the hurt and destruction that happens.


BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
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Hi Don't Know,
Been out most of the afternoon and sorry I couldn't get back to you sooner.

Quote:

But are there some typical stages that I can expect along the way? I mean does this stage typically last a month or 6 months? Consider that we ARE doing things the MB way with NC




Well, yes and no. We often times see what could easily be described as typical somewhere along your timeline and remember that, OK BTDT, I got the tee shirt that says I survived!

You need IMHO, to understand the larger picture here. What you are really doing is GRIEVING what you have lost in your M. Namely, a perfect M that would never be infiltrated by infedelity.

There are five different stages to the grieving process and I wish I had my fingertips on exactly how it goes, but I will attempt at the risk of being wrong. If someone else has it better, please correct me.

The first is shock and disbelief;
You remember Dday right. Rremember how knumb you were? Couldn't talk, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep?

The second is disbelief:
You begin to grope for ways to excuse your WS, they must have been out of their mind, it must have been something I did, he/she wouldn't do this to me me unless there was some other plausible excuse! This, BTW, is not forgiveness!

Next; the anger and bitterness set in. "I never did anything to deserve this, I have been a good and faithful spouse and have loved him/her with all my heart." any echoes like that ringing in your head?

Next comes depression and a feeling of hopelessnes. Nothing I can do to change what has happened.As much as I try, I can't unring the bell that has been rung. UGGG

Lastly comes TRUE FORGIVENESS
The realization that just as Dr H says, we are all wired for infidelity. Throw into that the unmet emotional need not being met, and the right set of circumstances( IE th opportunity), and we have a powder keg with a fuse lit.

I have more, but rather than get timed out I'll stop for now.

All Blessings,
Jerry

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Thanks Shine, that helps. I really appreciate your taking the time to line that out.

Several months ago I got a timeline from GladToPressOn (she doesn't seem to be on here anymore) who's scenario was very much like mine. So I had wanted to ask her if she felt the way I have been feeling.

Thank you for helping me out on this. I would say I am primarily in the angry phase - I felt really depressed for about a week -- but I came out of it - and went back into the angry phase. THIS IS SO FUN!!!!

I'm just going to work on me, and pray more. Thanks to everyone for being there -- This place is such a life saver at times.

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And keep in mind that even if you don't recover the marriage and instead divorce, you still go through the same grieving. There just no way to avoid it.

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DKA also keep in mind as you go thru the various stages of grief...you can bounce back and forth between them.

Thank you for helping me out on this. I would say I am primarily in the angry phase - I felt really depressed for about a week -- but I came out of it - and went back into the angry phase. THIS IS SO FUN!!!!

Oh yeah me too! The one thing I have found helpful is VENTING here not to H. I'm learning slowly it seems how to communicate properly without DJ,LB, AO (well mostly),and without laying blame...just still trying to understand. THOSE days are getting longer and longer apart but still do occur with or without triggers. I'm practicing patience as much as possible to see where my H is leading and trying to not interject. NOT EASY and at times I fail there. But for us, I HAVE to let go and see if he can pick us up and move forward.

Prayers to you in your journey.


EA4-7/07,Dday7/29,NC 7/30/07
ME 47 WH 48
Married 30 yrs.
2 DD,4 GC
Found out
Learning

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