OK, I'm back on page 1 to try to make sense of all this. I am so confused.

Kag, you wrote:


From this first post, it appears that you are confused about what Plan A and B are. You say that, "WE tried plan A for 5 months..." Do you mean you and your husband???

If so, then you misunderstand Plan A. Plan A is implemented when a spouse is in an active affair. This is a plan that the BS follows to demonstrate a willingness to meet the WS's emotional needs. Along with that part of the Plan, the BS also implements exposure of the active affair.

Plan A is the first step toward getting the affair to end, hopefully.

Did you Plan A your WS while you knew his affair was active???



If you did not do an effective Plan A, then why are you in Plan B (although a poor one from the sounds of this)?




Plan A or B should have been implemented to fight an active affair. So why were you surprised about contact?

I am so confused. I really think you may have misunderstood the entire points of Plan A and B, and so, used them inappropriately. Now you are expecting to see recovery actions, when in reality, the affair NEVER STOPPED. You are still at step one, but think you are at step ten.

You need to slow down and give a better timeline about what has happened. And instead of using the words Plan A and B, describe what you were doing so we can see if it was Plan A or B and if it was applied appropriately.

Did you ever expose to your children?

(I am gradually re-reading your thread to get updated.)

You do realize that by depending on your parents and not forcing the financial obligations from your husband, you are removing consequences of divorce that your husband needs to see.

It's great that you have family to count on IF WH REFUSES to support his children, until the courts FORCE HIM TO. But do not run to them and not hold WH accountable financially.

I would in NO WAY let WH off the hook financially by letting him know that your family is helping you. Yes, he may ASSUME they are, but I would make it clear to him that he is OBLIGATED to support HIS family.

So, you think your boys need this information in "bits and pieces", and your WH delivers this letter with all his own wayward babble twist. This information should have come from YOU.

Please tell me you have talked with your boys. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

I will continue to read. Maybe I'll see soon that you have.

I feel sick for your children and am just about to get up on my soapbox. I see this over and over, and it just FRUSTRATES ME SO!

How utterly disgusting that your children had to read that wayward bullsh%t about the "lovely" OW (ho!)! That must have really left their spirits unsettled to see such immoral rationalization coming from their father....a freakin' homeschooling dad!!!!!

I am just sick.

And in case anyone wants to ask, I'll answer for you. Yes, I did appoint myself the children's advocate on this board, because there are so many blind people here thinking that children can't handle the truth!!!! Nothing rawls me up more than children hearing this crap FIRST from their wacked out wayward parent, because a BS was too afraid to "hurt" their children with unnecessary information about their lives.

(Kag, this is a rant that has more to do than just with you...I have dealt with this over and over; and on top of that Iam sick and grupmy today and my patience is running thin.)

I'll keep reading (although, you may wish I wouldn't) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Telling the children the truth about WHY their family is being ripped from them, doesn't seal the divorce.

And why on earth would you protect a blubbering liar, and sacrifice your children's trust in the process.

I told all 5 of my children about their father's affair. I told them IN love, with compassion, BECAUSE I love them and THEIR FATHER.

My FWH calls me his hero now, because I was bold enough to stand for truth and to fight for the man I knew he was designed to be and not the man he was choosing to be.

This is a battle for your husband's soul. The sooner you realize that, the better focused you will become. And if satan can get your husband, he can take down your entire family. Rise up...fight the righteous fight for your family.

I told my husband that he could call the kids at 7:30 p.m. That way the conversations would be over before 8:00 bedtime. He was furious about that boundary. But it was perfectly reasonable, and FWH would have to respect the schedule within the family home since he was choosing not to be a part of the family home.

Since I knew when he was calling, I left the room and let the kids answer. I didn't have to be involved at all.

I still see confusion about what Plan A really is.

The WS is not Plan Aing. Only the BS is.

The WS is ALWAYS unsure, that's part of being wayward.

And let's get this straight, while involved in an affair, the WS is NOT TRYING. Only the BS is. The WS is just ACTING like it so he can cake-eat.

This is great!

The are all fence sitters when the are sitting on the fence. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

All WS sit the fence for a time. Maybe he'll get some barbed wire up his butt. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Looking for areas that you can improve your marriage in the future is healthy. Beating yourself up for being there for your sick child is not. Any decent mother would make the same choice.

Your husband had the same choice. He could have chosen to rise up and BE THERE for your son, too, and in the process,alleviated your burden and allowed you to refresh your soul. But instead, HE chose to escape.

Children change a marriage, absolutely. Many couples find that children draw them closer together. It's not the children that are a "problem", it's the choices we make. You husband chose selfishness.

My FWS and I made sure our kids had a strict bedtime so that we consistently had 1-2 hours every evening together. We also had weekly date nights. My FWS, however, chose A LOT of independent behavior. So when he was emotionally vulnerable, he had established a lifestyle that made an affair way too easy.

My husband tells me that he felt MOST connected to me during our pregnancies and when we had newborns. Why? Because that is when he chose to REALLY ENGAGE.


Yes, it is good to examine ways to make your marriage better, because that is the place you are in now. But this does NOT boil down to my marriage or my children.

LG,

I think you are jumping to conclusions here, or maybe I missed some details in her posts.

Kag hasn't really shared enough detail about their daily lives to indicate that she "escaped through her son."

That MAY be the case, but there are other possibilities, too.

Many people face their children's serious illnesses, and not only are they there for their kids, they are also there for each other. My FWS and I had a situation like that, although our child was not so seriously ill. We both feel that, although we were sleep deprived and exhausted, that year-long experience bonded us as a team in a way we had never been before. I could NOT have done it on my own, and my FWH rose to the occasion and was TRULY there for me and our child. By doing so, it fulfilled my family commitment need (not to mention my physical need of REST), and it fulfilled his need of admiration and just plain needing to be needed.

You may be right. I just don't like the quick judgement that kids are always the cause of the affair.

Yes. And WH never delivered letter.

Thank you

WH chose to go to work and leave the rest to me...did not even want to hear about it at the end of most days. I was floored by this behavior but to sleep deprived and stressed to face him.

Thank God.

And sorry for the rant.

Planning on that...alimony and child support.

Ok sorry for all the confusion will try to clarify.

June-July Affair

August D-Day

I plan A through mid Sept. find SH and WH willing to repair marriage

NC plan established which SH thought would work since they work in the same building but separate depts.(he was wrong)

WH, SH and I(BS) work together Sept-Dec(I thought it was going well)

Dec - Feb NC broken(supposedly EA not PA)

Feb - I find out about broken NC and ask WH to leave

Currently - WH fence sitting, living with friend, understands requirements for recovery, wants to go to MC again. I am sticking in plan B

Does that help? Sorry I haven't been clear, but the neurons aren't firing to well <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

THANK YOU!! Now I get it. I think it might be my brain misfiring, not yours.

OK, so now Plan B makes so much more sense to me. And really, it sounds like you are doing really well.

I'll tell you what so many told me. Your emotions will take you all over the place, so stick to the Plan.

A-MEN! It is wise to tattoo this to one's self. Seriously, VERY very wise words!

KAG/SMB:

Let me set the record straight on WHY I have been posting on this thread.


and


The KIDS were NOT The cause of the Affair. The WH CHOOSE an Affair.

This couple has been married for 19 years. The A started about a year ago.

I trying to address the 18 years before that.

Words out of KAG's mouth could have fallen out of Flamingo's for YEARS of our marriage.

The resentment builds. I'm not taking care of her or our son in a way that makes her happy. She's not happy with me when I TRY to get involved. Work became my escape as well. Because I didn't have to listen to all the things I had done wrong that day/week/month/year. Whatever Flamingo percieved that I had done wrong.

I may be overstating or overassuming what KAG's marriage was really like.

If so, I apolgize. It took Flamingo finding MB to understand that YES, she was at fault as well. Her behaviors contributed to the enviroment of the marriage. Then ONE DAY, someone said something nice, and my world turned upside down. (As did many others) My fault, NOT Flamingo's. I own THAT.

In order for KAG to get her WH BACK in to the Marriage, these pre-affair behaviors will have to be addressed. If not, then I don't see Mr. KAG coming back, ever.

Will Mr. KAG have to atone for his affair? Yes. His behaviors pre-marriage? Yes.

So many things changed about me after DDay, I am REALLY a much different person, even from the person I was prior to the affair. And THAT was recognized by Flamingo. So we have recovered in many ways. Were still working, and we won't stop. This marriage WE have is amazing, and we think it can be even better.

But Flamingo has changed as well. Yes, you have all the A related issues, but there was fundamental change in her behaviors with me as well. When she recognized her OWN behaviors detailed so well in HNHN, THAT created the shift. So much about her was amazing already, but the things that shifted? OMG!

I want the same for KAG. What WAS the true environment of your M before the A? My A started when my son was 8. My son did not have the continuing medical issues that your son has, but I have seen my son turn blue from lack of oxygen. We have had our emergencies.

The kids didn't cause the affair. Both Partners reactions and expectations of the other partners caused the strain on the marriage. To the point that KAG wasn't trying anymore, and Mr. KAG never left the office. Then Mr. KAG made his selfish choice to have an affair.

KAG's addressing of those behaviors and HOW she is going to change those behaviors SO THAT the marriage can continue is what I'm trying to address.

KAG's story touched on many of the issues in my own marriage. Sorry if I may be seeing to much, but I'm trying to give you the perspective that I have learned here, and where I was before. So that YOU can benefit from that, and maybe find a way back to getting your husband home, and your marriage moving towards recovery.

Flamingo had her plan. A plan she had began to develop when my son was in pre-school. The day after High School Graduation she was going to have me served with the divorce papers. Her job was done with getting her son to HS graduation and she certainly didn't need ME anymore. So my marriage was in alot more perilous position than even yours was.

And now, we seem to be getting somewhere......

I DO want the same for you KAG. I'm being tough on you becasue your HERE. I can beat on your WH with no problem also. If you really do not think I'm helping you, let me know. I will leave your thread. And I will wish you good luck.

(((KAG)))

LG