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Don't get your hopes up that she will do that already, until it actually happens. I'm not raining on your parade though, because for her to even say that is VERY GOOD!

The addiction is stronger than she realizes, and it may take all the way into Plan B for it to become more painful to keep going the way she is, than to turn back to her family.

Keep doing what you're doing - it is working.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
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(((Better Days))))

Hey there!

So, there was contact this whole time?? Man, that just stinks! I thought she was making progress...

QNL is right, though...this is when you need to really work on the loving detachment. Expose and use whatever tools you can to end the A. Meet her needs when you can, but do NOT force this issue. In other words, better yourself and do some things that you have always wanted to do...take care of YOURSELF!

So, what are some things you have always wanted to do, and when are you going to hire the P.I.? Take charge of this sitch, Okie, get back in the driver's seat!!!


Peace,
LaLa

FWW(me) 37
BS 38
DS 9 & 5
PA 7/06-8/06
Dday 2/17/07

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Your right Neak, I won't believe it until it happens. She hasn't gotten out of bed all day. Just lays in there crying. I mean ALL day!. I went in and asked her if she would come out and join us. She said "what ever you want". Then when she came out it was like "where do you want me to sit?" I just couldn't believe it. This just stinks her acting like such a victim. 15 minutes later she went back into bed. I went and asked what the problem was. She just looked at me and said "you got what you wanted. You got me back". Of course this was sarcastic. I just turned and went back out without saying anything.

Thanks R, I really am tying. I lost 32 lbs. in the month and a half. Too fast. The scars are gonna be very, very deep.


BS (me) : 43yo
WW: 41 yo
married 17+ yrs
D-Day #1 ONS Aug 03
D-Day #2 Dec 5, 2007
Four kids: 14 yo Son, 11 yo Son, 7 yo Daughter, 5 yo son

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Better days,

Your wife is in pain, just as you are. Is there any way you can comfort her? Can you go lie with her and hold her or just ask her if there is anything you can do that will help her?

I know this is hard. I know you are in an enormous amount of pain, but please reach out to her. If you can be there for her now and listen to her, you can eventually help each other heal. This is in some ways the hardest part, because you didn't ask to be put in this pain. These were her decisions and she should "suffer the consequences" so to speak. True, very true. But that's why the MB stuff is COUNTER-intuitive. Where your every instinct tells you to just stand back and let your WW wallow in her own pain (she brought it on herself, after all!), the MB plans go against the grain. But they work. Take this opportunity to reach out to her. Don't let her think you don't care, because you DO!

If she gets nasty with you, tell her you can help her through her pain if she will let you. Tell her there is nothing she can say or do that will hurt any worse than losing her love. Tell her you cherish her. Cry with her!

DON'T MISS THIS OPPORTUNITY!!!!!!


Peace,
LaLa

FWW(me) 37
BS 38
DS 9 & 5
PA 7/06-8/06
Dday 2/17/07

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Quote:

Your wife is in pain, just as you are. Is there any way you can comfort her? Can you go lie with her and hold her or just ask her if there is anything you can do that will help her?




No, she won't let me. She says she's quitting tomorrow and will continue MC. But she started making damands. I have to change my personality. She wants a enhancement before we ever have SF again (I made the mistake of telling we would with the Tax Money) Now she holding me to that. And that we move.

Quote:

I know this is hard. I know you are in an enormous amount of pain, but please reach out to her.




I really am trying.

Quote:

If she gets nasty with you, tell her you can help her through her pain if she will let you. Tell her there is nothing she can say or do that will hurt any worse than losing her love. Tell her you cherish her. Cry with her!

DON'T MISS THIS OPPORTUNITY!!!!!!




She says she is still not "in it". She said she's taking control of her life now. We argued about that for a while too.

Thanks R, your always a big help. Even under my former name. She read my journal and saw the part about MB. I think some of the stuff she read helped a bit for her. But I love the "change your personality" part. I need to be a fun type of person. I guess OM was a pretty fun guy.

She has to get out of the store she's in with him.


BS (me) : 43yo
WW: 41 yo
married 17+ yrs
D-Day #1 ONS Aug 03
D-Day #2 Dec 5, 2007
Four kids: 14 yo Son, 11 yo Son, 7 yo Daughter, 5 yo son

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Quote:

She wants a enhancement before we ever have SF again (




what a crock of bullchit.

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*thud*

That is just plain an excuse. What she is doing (and not doing) has NOTHING to do with size! I would strongly recommend against surgical alterations, especially right now with everything all topsy turvy.

If it's something you really want for YOURSELF later, then to each his own.

But since this is most likely about growing your member to be competitive with OM, I would stay a zillion miles away from that. This is not a competition, because you already have him whooped in EVERY IMPORTANT WAY. No surgery is going to add to your character.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



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Quote:

She wants a enhancement before we ever have SF again




are you deformed in some way?

If the answer is "no"

I'd recommend divorce .... how would such a woman be a loving caring adoring wife when you are both old and sick ?

Life gets more difficult as we get older and our physical bodies age - we need greater integrity as we get older, not less

(if this is actually what she said .... and I have my doubts)

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I guess I should clarify. She meant for her.


BS (me) : 43yo
WW: 41 yo
married 17+ yrs
D-Day #1 ONS Aug 03
D-Day #2 Dec 5, 2007
Four kids: 14 yo Son, 11 yo Son, 7 yo Daughter, 5 yo son

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Is her size an issue with you?

(Hint: the correct answer is "no".)


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
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No it's not. Never has been. I love her exactly the way she is. This is something to do with self esteem I know nothing about. But like I said before, this would be like hanging a steak around your neck in a kennel.


BS (me) : 43yo
WW: 41 yo
married 17+ yrs
D-Day #1 ONS Aug 03
D-Day #2 Dec 5, 2007
Four kids: 14 yo Son, 11 yo Son, 7 yo Daughter, 5 yo son

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Own and be proud of that you are recovering.






I agree. Keep positive.

If you read my posts, you hear people say the same to me. It is true.


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Ah-ha...I wasn't sure, so I was waiting for clarification! (giggling a little, can't help it!)

OK, so she is throwing a bunch of fog babble bullchit and putting up smoke screens to throw you off course. May I suggest that if she wants an "enhancement" let her have it if you can afford it. It will give you a chance to keep her under your roof and dependant on you to take care of her. GREAT Plan A opportunity here.

The problem is that she is in no position to make demands, although she THINKS she is....ignore it. Just totally ignore all of her posturing, because it means very little right now. She is in the "too cool for you" stage of recovery and you just need to put her on ignore and keep Plan A-ing. You must create some boundaries for yourself, though, so that she does not lose respect for you. I would learn the reverse babble-VERY important because it throws the blame back on her without making you sound like an a-hole.

You must learn loving detachment during this period or she will succeed in baiting you every chance she gets. She will do this to justify her A to herself and "prove" that you are some sort of jerk. DON'T LET HER GET TO YOU!!! You must be JOE COOL right now. Seriously, sit down and look through some old pics of yourself from "back in the day" when she first fell for you and try to channel that guy. Do you best to remain calm and upbeat at all times. I really think you can do this, because you don't seem like an overly "reactionary" type person. Make sure you do NOT miss opportunities when their are breaks in the fog, though. When you start to see vulnerability, drop the "act" and make sure you show her how much you adore and love her. Cry with her, talk about things like "cherish" and "remember when" and the whole "life apart" scenario.

What is the "life apart" scenario? You need to make a list of things that you want to be sitting next to her for, holding her hand and sharing the experience together, not seperately....kids graduations, weddings, holidays etc. You want to do these things together as a family, not from across the aisle. Remind her that every other holdiay (Christmas) the kids would be with YOU and she would be ALONE, and quickly follow up with "I want us to share these times together, not on a court schedule." Stuff like that. Write her letters that tell her how much you miss your talks and walks and intimate times. How beautiful/sexy you think she is. Make sure while your face-to-face encounters are "cool" (NO BEGGING, PLEADING, NO CONSTANT "I LOVE YOU") but then you also leave little notes around to show her that you really do care. And DON'T miss those moments of fog clearing!!!!!!

Come on now, BDA (or BAD mamajama), time to get on your suit of armor, learn reverse babble, find that cool cat she fell in love with, and ignore the fog babble.


Peace,
LaLa

FWW(me) 37
BS 38
DS 9 & 5
PA 7/06-8/06
Dday 2/17/07

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Quote:

find that cool cat she fell in love with, and ignore the fog babble.




I can relate to that. My post has different details, but I think that this statement is the one I can agree on and believe that most of us can use this bit of advice.


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LMAO!

oh my. . .

I get it BDA.

No, I would not use family $ to buy her new titties right now. I'd tell her that its something you're willing to consider in the future, perhaps after she stops treating you like ****** for a while and demonstrates that she's committed to the marriage. Proceeding with that under the threat of no SF is just being a doormat, definetely. If your relationship is the the point where she thinks she can control you with SF, then YOU need to back off and not act very interested in SF.

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I just can't tell you how relieved I am that this is about a steak around her neck, and not around your waist.

Whether or not you go ahead with the ahem enhancement, keep telling her how beautiful she already is.

Also, while you shouldn't act so needy about SF that she thinks she can use that against you, make sure she knows you desire her. Want, not need.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



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Well, obviously Tyk is right about not being a doormat, and I agree...kind of 50/50 on that one myself. The ONLY reason you would let her have the surgery is STRATEGICAL on your part-- to keep her home and laid up while you Plan A her...NOT to be a doormat...get it? Logic obviously points out that getting a boob job isn't going to help her major self-esteem issues right now (band-aid on a gaping wound). She WILL have to deal with these issues eventually, your goal right now is to keep her in NC as much as you can. Surgery keeps her immobile and away from others who may negatively influence her, as she is extremely vulnerable right now.

If you want to address the issue of "no SF until I have the surgery" I would reverse babble this rather than sound "demanding" or "controlling." Something like "Well dear, I wouldn't be comfortable having sex with YOU until you are tested and are safe for ME. Besides, I think you are sexy just the way you are...what would you like for dinner?" Make SURE you change the subject and then walk away if she blows a gasket...no getting sucked into heated debates or R and A talks right now! It is futile to try and educate her, but imperative that you maintain your boundaries. Mulan had a great post on boundaries, which is now in Peperband's "Notable Posts" thread on the board (one of the last posts, as she just added it a couple days ago).


Peace,
LaLa

FWW(me) 37
BS 38
DS 9 & 5
PA 7/06-8/06
Dday 2/17/07

Fogapalooza-My Babbly Beginning
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Quote:

I just can't tell you how relieved I am that this is about a steak around her neck, and not around your waist.




LMAO

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You guys are great!

No there are certain times, obviously, that I would really like to have SF. But right now I'm cool with waiting. She pops off with the babble with stuff like "we need to move out of state". Yeah I have 25 year career here and I will just throw it away to run away to another state with a woman who says "I don't love you".

Also she just left to have coffee with her SIL. When she left she did come over and give me a kiss. The way it's been this week that was shocking.

As I said earlier, she read my journal. That may have worked out good. Although I was very nervious about her finding it.


BS (me) : 43yo
WW: 41 yo
married 17+ yrs
D-Day #1 ONS Aug 03
D-Day #2 Dec 5, 2007
Four kids: 14 yo Son, 11 yo Son, 7 yo Daughter, 5 yo son

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I don't think you should be inflexible about the idea of moving out of state, or about the surgery, or any of that. I think those things should be used as carrots in the Plan A effort.

Next time she brings up moving "I've thought about that WW, and I'm not completely opposed to moving. However, I don't see any sense in moving right now. Right now it seems to me that moving would be an attempt to run away from our problems. I think we both know that won't work, we'll simply be moving our problems somewhere else. I'm not comfortable with that. "chorus" What I would like to happen, what I believe can happen, is for us to implement a plan that will restore the love in our marriage, bring us closer together, and give us the tools to build a happy lifelong relationship together. The first step to doing this is for you to end your A and stop contacting OM."end chorus""

Same deal with the surgery: "You know I think you are beautiful the way you are now. I am not completely opposed to you having the surgery, but I feel like I need to understand why. Right now, I am worried that your unfounded poor self image has led you to make several very poor decisions that are destroying our marriage. I am not currently comfortable with our family incurring the expense of your surgery given the tenuous state of our marriage. "insert chorus" "

Last edited by Tyk; 03/02/08 04:16 PM.
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