mvg,

Thanks for the invite but right now i am not in the frame of mind to do much of anything.

You keep up the good work though!!!!

What's up, Still? Anything you want to talk about?

Not really anything just SSDD. I just do not feel like i want to work on things anymore. I am feeling sorry for myself i guess. I am not the one who messed yet sometimes it feels like i am the one doing most of the work and i am tired is all.

But i do not want to rain on mvg's parade, things are going well for her right now and i hope they continue to keep going that way.

Well, personally, I think it's pretty hard to avoid the constant DELUGE that this website affords us. IT's just the way it is.

You can take the discussion to my thread, if you like SC.

I hear what you are saying. I KNOW what you are saying. I LIVE what you are saying, as many of us do, I'm certain.

Thanks SL but not really much to say. I am just not feeling it right now. I know that you are there too. I sometimes think that since my H's affair i just expect so much more from him. I expect him to be BETTER that he was before the A but sadly that is not the case and maybe i am expecting too much but right now that is my expectation.

Wow, I wonder if we ALL feel that way SC? I want quality that existed at one time, before the kids, and the careers, and the issues that arise as we grow older and the relationship takes the back seat. I want us back in the drivers' seat. However, I want more CARE taken with our marriage, from both sides.

Let's be clear, that the affairs are his fault, his poor choices, and what they have done to my trust, my reality (which could have used a shake up, regardless), my foundation, can not be given back. I'm probably better off having learned to let go and let God. I'm probably better off having knocked those blinders off. I'm probably better off for having my eyes wide open. Sure, I've been taught very many valuable things. I can't say they are not MOSTLY things that I would gladly give back in order to not have walked this path.

Well i would agree with all of the above and even more that is why i say maybe my expectaions are too high.

What i mean is i think i tended to overlook some of the things my FWH does that i do not like such as his temper. He knew i did not like his temper (heck he does not like his temper) but i tended to just let it go when he threw his little temper tantrums. Now i can not do that, i expect him to not throw them anymore.

I do not know what gives me the right to expect more but i do. I feel that he screwed with my whole life without even telling me he thought things were as bad as he thought they were.

Sure we all sometimes let our M take a back seat to life (not saying we should but it happens) but i certainly told him when i felt things were really bad to give him an opportunity for HIM to be the one to make them better for me rather than looking for someone else to do it for me. He did not give me that same choice.

Hello friends! How is life for everyone? I feel very fortunate right now. H is making alot of headway. I actually have felt happiness. THEN it happens....the doubts,the insecurities. Is this real? Is he for real?

AHHHHH the 'new' unwanted feelings BS's get!!!! I'm catching myself when these thoughts come. Sometimes I can stop them, sometimes I can't. I am trying to recognize them as they come and replace them with positive thoughts. It's hard though.

I want so much to trust what H is doing, saying, etc. But I catch myself. I don't want to be duped again. I don't want to go through THAT hurt again. I pray that these feelings will subside.

With consistency, I believe those feelings will not hold as much significance, and you will be able to pass through them more quickly. It sounds like things are moving in the right direction for you both, and that is fantastic! It is good to hear you report more often that you are both making headway. Good for you!

I am right there with you mvg .

I hate it when i let these feelings pop into my head. My H is doing everything he can and i just let a "stinkin thinkin" thought into my brain and it all is just down the drain.

SC I like that...'stinkin thinkin' THAT'S exactly what it is!

I was reading another post that said 15 months is another downer, UGH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO don't want that. Gotta get rid of the 'stinkin thinkin'.

note: Testing out here to see if I can change the title name. Cross your fingers.

Well heck since i don't really know when to start my "time" and when to stop it i am really nervous about 15 months LOL .

What i mean by that is the A started in Jan 2007 ended in Feb 2007, he was NC (due to being home sick) until June 2007 and then went back to work and she was a co-worker even though the A was no longer going on it still threw me for a loop when he went back to work. Then she (OW) left where they worked in Aug 2007. So i am not even sure what days are what anymore.

I am trying to work on my "stinkin thinkin" too. Some days are way better than others. We got into a silly argument this morning so today is a bad one of course. My own fault, when ever we get into an argument i say things in my head that are not very nice. I guess at least i don't speak them out loud.

^5 on NOT letting your thoughts escape your lips this morning!

ok SC we've got to come up with some creative ways to get rid of STINKIN THINKIN!

At the very least both of us have been dealing with this mess (keepin it clean) WAAAAAYYYYYY to long and I'm sure alot of others too.

So the challenge....ways to rid ourselves of STINKIN THINKIN!

Got any ideas? I'm thinking (when I should be working ) do ya see smoke?

One simple sounding action:

Anytime I recognize ST creeping in I concentrate on it, then try to question myself why I think that. Most of the time it's insecurity so I try and it's hard to replace ST with ANYTHING my H has done/said/made a positive change on and concentrate on that. Easier said then done sometimes but it does work if I really concentrate.

Darn it mvg that is the sad part. The ST does just come out of nowhere and usually it is not anything he has said or done. I agree with you that it is my OWN insecurities that brings it on most times.

I just keep trying to live in the moment when my ST flares up . Hopefully as long as our FWHs keep trying our ST will start to go away and be replaced with good thoughts.

I hear ya! Hopefully the adage 'time heals all wounds' is true!

Last night my H made me get the biggest smile. I was having a ST and was going to ask him something but stopped myself. He said 'what? go ahead ask you might be surprised by the answer'. So I did and he did surprise me. He is being SO very positive I'm VERY impressed. I knew he had it in him to be the man I always knew he could be. I get the feeling he's starting to feel good about himself too. Today I am hanging on to happiness.

WATCH OUT ST you'll be gone soon!!!

That's incredible stuff, mvg! It speaks volumes that your husband is hip to your jive (he is tuned in to you, that is), and is unafraid to listen and answer. This is GOOD STUFF! Congrats for you both.

Maybe there was something in the air last night mvg because me and my hubby had a talk too. And i did the same thing was holding back because of my ST and he told me to say it too.

He was in a bad mood because of some issues that are going on at work and he held himself out in his "man cave" in the garage. When i went out to talk to him all i could think about was how much time he spent out there before the "A" and how he turned to the OW when he was "blue" (as he put it) instead of me. He must have sensed it because he asked me what was wrong and when i did not want to respond he said please tell me.

So i told him that i just worry because the last time he was really "blue" he turned to someone else and not me. He said "you don't have to worry i will NEVER do that again". It made me feel REALLY good.

I am just going to keep trying to fight this daggone ST with all my might.

YEA SC!!!!

OUR insecurities! UGH!!!!! Isn't it a wonderful feeling when the H really get US?!

Right now (cause we all know this can change with the wind) I've been thinking just how long am I going to allow ST to control my life?!

I'm still doing replacement thinking...when ST shows up I ask myself....for ME his 'sin' was a short lived incident am I going to allow THAT to define US? We have WAY more time together then his EA. I have to put this behind me while at the same time being in tune for any signs of repeating.

That whole line of thinking bothered me too. Wasn't/Isn't it just a way to hang on to the EA? NO, it's like being in a car wreck you HAVE to be a defensive driver to try to avoid the wreck. I realize sometimes no matter what you can't avoid the wreck...I'm giving it a go tho!

I still have insecurities, but I'm working on them.

This made me chuckle SL! Unfortunately I am old enough to remember jive, disc dancing, and the infamous men's leisure suits! :eek: WHAT were WE THINKING?????