My goodness mvg now you are really scaring me . I actually just had this conversation with my hubby Sunday night and said almost these exact words.

I too started "just thinking" instead of ST that "i" am the one holding on to the A not him by letting that ST keep getting in the way .

So i am working on trying to get rid of that daggone ST once and for all . I am not quite sure how to get it done but it is coming along a little at a time i think. We will both have to just keep on working on it

SC sounds like both of us are ready for higher ground on this journey!

I hope so mvg. I know my hubby was glad to hear what i said too. Hopefully it is a sign of good things on the horizon !!!

DEFINATELY!!!

I sure do hope the sun comes out today. We've had gray, wet, cold, yucky weather for the last week, sure would perk up the spirits to have a sunny day.

I think the gloomy days have made ST worse. Need to chase those thoughts away with some sun.

Have a good day all.

Gloomy days do not help the mood one bit, especially when spring has arrived. Your expectations go thru the roof, that the birds will be gleefully singing, and the trees will bud, AND THE SKY WILL BE BLUE, DAGGONNIT!

Saturday was a great day here. It was supposed to rain all day, but not one drop fell. The sun shone thru the clouds quite a bit, and warmed us up to a balmy 60 something degrees. The meteorologist got that one completely wrong.

If anyone 'deserved' some sunshine it was you SL!

Looking outside this morning I think 'they' got it wrong again....WAY TO CLOUDY. YUCK.

I'm working on my ST issues. And for the most part our M is working pretty well.

Except one issue...SF. I'm befuddled by H's lack of sexual interest. This was his #1 EN and now seems like he will fulfil his "obligation" if pushed otherwise (and this is a direct quote) he "doesn't think about it". ??????? Talk about feeling uncomfortable! YIKES.

I really don't get it (no pun intended). Another of his issues with me was dressing better. Ok, doing that and he doesn't seem to notice that either.

At times I feel like I'm beating my head against a brick wall. I will admit I don't want to talk about it again with him either. I've mentioned it, trying to not make a big deal of it, and I get the I'm tired, I'm this, I'm that....apparently not interested could be added here. He does have time, energy for things he 'wants' to do. H#ll last night I even told him I made brownies (his favorite) for dessert as a way to seduce him. He ate the brownies told me how good they were. uh huh....well....night luv ya.

I'm at a lost. Suggestions?

I swear mvg sometimes you really scare me, i think we are the same person and married to the same husband LOL .

I have been reading and posting on the How much sex is too much sex thread and my FWH and i had this same issue before his A. He wanted it all the time and i was just more into getting some rest so this became a big issue in our house.

Since the A it is almost just the opposite. I know he is getting older and i know that he was EXTREMELY sick last year, but even right up until he got sick it was still quite a lot more frequent than now.

He says he realizes that it is not as important as he thought it was before, but it sure does a number on your self confidencee for sure.

I wish i had some suggestions but maybe someone else will and it will help us both.

SC do you here the twilight zone music???

I was getting ready to edit my post when I saw you posted.

My edit was going to be...am I looking for problems where none exist? Am I because of H's EA over analyzing? Is this a normal BS concern (insecurity) EVEN when most everything else appears to be good? Should I try to ignore the whole sexual aspect at the moment and see where or how long this goes on? And why in the world do I still want to kick a$$ at times???

It sure is a self confidence killer. And I understand totally about being tired. I don't understand why tired for that while not tired or even if tired will pursue hobby. Color me confused!

Maybe this is my 'control' personality rearing it's ugly head again. I dunno.

Well mvg it makes my ST really bad that is for sure.

I just do not know what to do about it. I really really don't. This is a BIG thing to me.

Oh, lordy, how i can relate, except my WH didn't touch me AT ALL. EWWWWWWY.

If you want to know WHY ,you are going to have to ask. You are going to have to find a way to talk to your spouses about this, ladies. Also, actions speak louder than words. If your FWH's do have sex with you, just not often, maybe you can spice things up a bit, to increase the frequency. Prepare him with more than just brownies. Show your love/lust. Show your confidence. It's a really good thing.

I got beaten down over time, into submission. I gave in, screamed Uncle. It got to a point that I KNEW it had nothing to do with me, so the lack of intimacy, sexual or otherwise, didn't knock my worth down much. I just didn't feel loved.

Now, for you ladies, you are getting other EN's met, correct, and DO feel loved?

Talk about it. It's scary, sure, but one of the best ways to get to the heart of the matter.

I dunno, just my half penny's worth.

Now SL this is JUST toooooo much!!!

YOU definately got a chuckle from me! For me brownies was digging deep into the bag for something different yesterday since other straight forward means aren't working.


Yes other EN's being met..not all but alot. Do I feel loved?! hummmmm sometimes yes, sometimes not so much. I wonder at times if he's just placating me. ST!!!

I was reading something LouseyGolfer wrote on another thread ...something along the lines "you don't know WHEN you're getting sex, so you want it all the time"...there may be more truth in that then what I realized. I still see 'control' there. Whether it be me wanting more control or him??? Or maybe trust...I don't know what's going thru his mind so I'm leary of letting things work out. I've really got to find out more about mind reading!

I know the best and possibly the fastest way through my concerns is talk to him. It seems this needs to be done every few months...I'm tired of talking about the same things over and over.

I'll have to mull over whether to wait a bit longer or talk.

And SL...NO MORE browning bashing! It CAN be an aphrodisiac


p.s. Maybe I should've hid them on me!

I have talked to him about it and i have tried to get sexy with him, but IT doesn't work (if you know what i mean).

Even during my Hs affair he could get IT to work with no problem at all, now IT does not work most of the time.

It really really bothers me alot and i have told him so but he just says he realizes sex is not as important to him as it used to be.

It just seems really funny that during the A he was having sex with me and her no problem at all and more than we had in the previous few years of our M. Now hardly anything.

I have never felt that my H finds me attractive anyway so this is ways VERY HEAVY on my mind most of the time.

SC I know you mentioned your H had been very sick. Is he on meds? That can effect all the equipment working properly. Or even his testerone level could be low. Would he consider talking to his doc about this? It might be it's not so much he's not interested but if you can't get the car to start you generally don't go anywhere. Either way for YOU it's important that he address this issue. Do you think he would/will if you ask him?

Now on to your other comment...attractiveness. I know you've said DH (and that's dumb not dear) has said some not nice things to you in the past which you're hanging on to. Have you ever really point blank told him how much that hurt you? How that STILL hurts you? And how you NEED to know how he truly feels?

Bake away, mvg, the darker the brownies, the better. Next time, put one between the girls and giggle.

Nah, really though, it could be that there is depression at play. Get up, get active together . Take walks with each other in the evenings, if you can. Hold hands. Is your EN for SF heightened because your drive is higher, or because you are noticing that the frequency is lower since the A's? Just wondering. Is SF high on your list? Are you thinking that it SHOULD be on the top of FWH's? Is it bothering you that he USED TO, but now not so much, and you are taking his issues to mean something about YOU? I dunno, maybe you're overthinking it too.

Maybe asking with concern for you FWH's health, happiness, instead of wondering why he isn't giving you any is a better approach. Depression can kill a sex drive. Is FWH affectionate?

This could be one of those things that will take time. Have you considered consulting with the Harleys, to see what they think you can do to open this line of communication, or things you can try?

Again, I'm just throwing stuff out there.

SC, it's really tough to get past the things that your FWH said about OW in regards to beauty and sexiness, and how he's called you Plain Jane. Believe it or not, these things are very hurtful. even if YOU buy into that plain jane [censored]. Nobody wants to be a plain Jane to their main man. We want to be beautiful to them. It's important to MOST women that their spouses see them as beautiful, and tell them or show them so.

IMO, from what you have posted, you DO have a need to be sexy and beautiful to him, you just play it down. An insecurity has been created here, a wound has been created.

Meds can also do a number on the nether regions, so looking up his meds and side effects could help to allay some of your anxiety.

He does not take any meds and i know during the time that he was sick IT pretty much did not work at all but i did not think too much about it then because he was so sick.

And for about 5 or 6 years prior to the A he was like the poster on "how much sex is too much sex", he wanted it every day and would get upset with me if i was not in the mood (i mean so much so that he would act like a little baby). I mean it caused a lot of stress on our M because it was that bad. I started not wanting to touch him just to be affectionate because to him it ALWAYS had to lead to sex.

Now it is just like he really does not want to. When i discuss it with him he says that his illness was a life changing event in his life and he realizes that it should not have been such a big deal to him before. He also says "well i am 50 you know". Well hell how can you go from all the time to nothing practically overnight.

Actually way back when he said those things i told him how badly they hurt me so he just immediately went to the other extreme and tells me all the time how nice i look etc. I guess my STjust will not let me believe him because he says it ALL THE TIME no matter what i am wearing or how i look or anything else. Even with him saying things to make me feel better about myself he has never said that I am so beautiful like he said about the OW.

So i know that my ST probably has alot to do with it but i still just wonder.

50 ain't DEAD! And all parts SHOULD work,at least part of the time. I hope he'll consider talking to his doc because I don't think this is normal.

SC, if you could really believe him when he says you look nice,could YOU let his previous remarks go? It sounds like he's trying (ok maybe a bit to hard) to make amends for his previous comments. I understand that if he says it ALL THE TIME and it's not sincere from your point of view, that's a downer. Ask him for HONESTY. OR maybe he's really complimenting YOU not your appearance he's just not verbalizing it correctly...maybe he's trying to make you feel what he sees in you.


And I KNOW that hurts deeply. (((SC)))

I was thinking last night that when i come here i am usually here asking for advice about things that i want to improve upon so it sometimes seems like my H is some ogre or something .

When mvg and i were "just thinkin" instead of ST what i told my H was "we had a really great marriage for a long time and did a really good job at meeting one another's EN, we let people live in our home for 4 years and during that time we forgot to meet those EN for each other, you messed up and let someone else meet them for a little while but you came to your senses and now we are doing a pretty good job at doing that again (minus a bump or two), now we have to NEVER forget to keep meeting those EN". And i really meant that. I think that is part of the reason this has been so hard to take.

And IT does work some of the time i guess it is just that before everything IT worked VERY well so why does IT not work sometimes now. And actually he did mention talking to the doctor.

But i think you are both right, when SL said that everyone wants their "main man" to think they are beautiful and when mvg said that he probably is just not saying it how i want to hear it. I mean it does not bother me at all if other men look at me (actually i think i prefer it that way) but you want your husband to think your beautiful. And he does think i am i just have to let go of that d@mn ST. Heck even during the affair although he said things to me about the OW that hurt very deeply, he NEVER told me he did not love me or that i was a bad wife or any of the other things i hear on MB.

(((SC))) I'm glad YOU are thinking more positively!

I also feel like my complants of our M can be interpreted incorrectly. My H IS getting the MB concepts! He's made huge changes and I recognize them, comment on them to him.

So why do I complain???? 'Cause the HURT inflicted, intended or not, for 1 was SO unexpected, was VERY personal, made ME question my/our committment, caused me great panic/anxiety,made me question how my H views ME, made me question MYSELF as a WOMAN!

We had children 2 years into our M. Our M became about them more than us. We became very complacent with our M. We both looked forward to OUR time once the children were grown. Last June we became empty nesters. As hard as it is for the kids and grandkids to leave our home it WAS time. Things were GREAT with us! I WAS so HAPPY. THEN the bottom fell out of MY world which caused all of the above feelings and more.

Fast forward to now....Maybe I'm being unrealistic, I WANT my lover back. I WANT what we had in the beginning. And a few weeks ago it was even better. And I was Happy, he appeared to be happy.

We haven't talked about his EA or HER in several months. YEA!!! But I still have doubts/times of insecurity of ME being HIS desire. Is it wrong to feel like that? I don't think so in a M. One of my concerns has been when we have talked about this (SF)he has said I haven't thought about it! I've done the best I know how to give him reason to think about sex. So...

Our SF since d-day was much better and is waning more lately. This makes me wonder why?

I really don't want to talk to him about my insecurity feelings about lack of sexual intimacy. WHY??? I 'think' he would eventually accomidate me. I don't want to be accomidated, I WANT to be desired. Make sense???

I have initiated and he's been a willing partner. I just NEED his desire at this point.

I say ALL that to say....I still have insecurities, I question them here alot sometimes to seek a solution, sometimes just for comfort or to vent, sometimes just to have someone else say this is par for the course and this to shall pass. However, our M is MUCH better then it was. Most in part to MB in recognizing M takes ALOT of CONTINOUS conscience effort and work. I don't want to go back to complacent and I panic when it starts feeling like we could easily slip back.

Thanks!


Yes mine too


EXACTLY!!!



Makes perfect sense to me that is how i feel too. That is what i feel my h has done about the plain jane [censored].



This is a big worry of mine as well.