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Joined: Feb 2007
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So sorry to hear that you are still in this situation, and still feel exactly the same as you did years ago.

By the way, dear, your story sounds very very similar to another poster who posted many many times in years past.

The above mentioned poster was also advised numerous times to move forward and her reaction to that advice was the same as yours is too....

Anyway, I really am sad to see that this same exact situation is happening again.....


My name is still the same -- carnation

Last edited by carnation3; 04/11/08 02:20 PM. Reason: typo
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In the end... we all do what we want to do anyway! or what we feel is right for our situation. I can see myself waiting/standing years down the road for my WH. People can say move on with your life, you deserve better, for some of us there may be a deep conviction or faith that waiting our WS out is what we are supposed to be doing. I worked in a local elementary achool for a few years and met some very bitter divorced women and swore I would never live such an unhappy life. At the time I didn't have an inkling that anything like this would be happening to my family. Sometimes I wonder why is it fair for the OW to be happy while I am sad, missing my WH? I know she won't be happy all the time, even if she is now ;-) I know what living with my dh is like, he can't change so much as to be a completely different person. I can already see he isn't as happy as he was hoping he would be.

Several of us wonder why they don't come home if they know they are welcome to and they know they aren't happy where they are... probably pride... or maybe they aren't strong enough to guarantee even to themselves that they won't break our heart again... who knows for sure? probably a bit different for everyone anyway.


I say if it's in you to continue standing for your marriage then go for it! I am and I'm at peace with my choice.


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I am torn in my thoughts.

I agree with Serenity that in the end, it is wholeheartedly your choice to make. However, It seems as if you are letting your WH A "steal" you life from you.

I understand that you aren't just sitting at home pining away for him and that you may not have an interest in dating others, but you are not giving yourself a chance to mourn the death of your M. IMO you are caught in a denial of sorts...

You may believe that you still love you WH. You may believe that if he were to end the A and return to you that it is possible to recover from this. It may be possible. But my question is this, is a man who is able to hurt you as deeply as he is hurting you...continuing to hurt you...really the man you want to spend your life with.

I agree that marriage is a one time deal. But he has forsaken you in the most devastating of ways. I can only imagine the pain that you must carry, and I am so sorry.

I wonder if you might consider IC (independent counseling) to help YOU to recover from this. Even though you may love WH, don't you think that he is "abusive" and you may be subject to the ties that many abused spouses feel...the desire not to leave, to do everything you can to keep them because somehow your worth is tied to them? I don't know.

Again, I am so sorry for your pain. You are a stronger woman than I. My prayers are with you.


BW 37 (Me).
F?WH 35.
06/97 Married.
Three sons...4, 5, and 7.
06/04 EA begins (Unknown to me).
02/10/05 D-Day EA (Unknown PA).
02/24/08 D-Day LTA 3+ YEARS! (same OW).


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ivebeenwaiting - I am hesitant to respond because both what you have been going through and "differences in beliefs" are sensitive subjects talk about. So with that in mind, I'm going to dip my toe into what you said in this post because it seems to form the basis of your "holding" issue, grounded in your faith and hope. Hopefully you will think about these comments as you continue to evaluate the direction you want to take.

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i believe that marraige is for life according to God's law even if Man's laws allow for divorce

Marriage was intended, according to Jesus' affirmation, to be between one man and one woman for their natural lifetimes. Period. However, God also grants the right to a divorce to the Faithful Spouse when the unfaithful spouse has committed "marital unfaithfulness," primarily of the adultery variety. That is do SO THAT the Faithful Spouse CAN marry again and NOT also commit adultery by doing so.

THAT "2nd," or "3rd", etc. marriage after adultery on the part of the unfaithful spouse is the supposed to be for life.



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my priest told me to pray for my husband to find his way back to God and then back to our marraige

There is absolutely nothing wrong with this advice about what to pray for, but be careful that the primary focus of the prayer is not on the "back to our marriage" part but on the "back to God with or without you" part.



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i asked him how God would ever allow someone to forever be joined in marraige to someone they may never see again

he told me that we will see each other again in heaven and will be together then as man and wife

Please allow me to respectfully disagree strongly with this advice and counsel. There are at least two very fundamental biblical flaws with this "reasoning" and "advice."

Let me address them in reverse order:

1. There will be NO marriages in heaven other than the "marriage of the Lamb."

"Jesus replied: "You are in error because you do not know the Scriptures or the power of God. At the resurrection people will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven." (Matthew 22:29-30, NIV)

The proof is in Jesus' statements and what God has revealed about marriage in the Scripture. What Jesus is speaking about here is that marriage ENDS with death. The "I want to be with you in eternity" thought that is often applied to marriage is true for believers, but unbelievers will NOT be in heaven, and you will NOT be married to someone who will spend eternity eternally separated from God and unable to "come to where you are." Furthermore, as Jesus addressing the Sadducees (who did not believe in the resurrection and the continuance of life after death) said, a person who remarries AFTER their current spouse dies, will NOT be committing adultery, will be married to that person for the rest of their natural lives, and will NOT be married to anyone of their previous spouses in heaven.

Jesus "clarified" the will of God in that HE included adultery as a "marital death" that is equivalent to physical death in releasing the Faithful Spouse from the covenant of marriage so that the Faithful could remarry again without committing the sin of adultery theirself.

2. Your priest is mistaken, in my humble opinion. You WILL NOT see your husband in heaven UNLESS he repents of his sin and seeks the forgiveness of God. The Scripture is quite clear that unrepentant adulterers will NOT be in heaven. If he is not in heaven, there would be no way for you to "see him" there.

"Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolators nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you wer sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God." (1 Corinthians 6:9-11, NIV, emphasis added)

God does not "justify" the unrepentant. The "warning" to each of us is to "examine ourselves." Jesus WILL say to many who have "done their own thing" but think they are "saved," "Away from me you evildoers, I NEVER knew you."


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well crap

my crummy husband gets two "wives" and I get one that I won't be with again until we both die

No he doesn't. Also, you, as a believer, are already "married" to Jesus by way of God's promise to all believers. Jesus will be the "bridegroom" and we will be His "bride." But there will be no "physical marriage" in heaven as we have on earth.

God bless.

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i think maybe he hates what he did and wants to pretend that it never happened. it's easier to do that when he can pretend that i no longer exsist.

as long as i am still his wife "by law" I continue to be a reminder of what they did. her husband chose divorce.

maybe for both of them, they are happy and will continue to be happy together because they both help the other to deny the truth about the people they destroyed

i do know that i have offerred forgiveness to him and he said that he can't believe that i could forgive him when he will never forgive himself

it's too bad that we never get to find out what the people who don't end up at a place like this saying that they regret what they did really think and feel in the end

We have only a few items left to finalize and then our divorce will be final. i'm letting go because i've got no other choice left.

i wonder what will happen then




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Originally Posted by ivebeenwaiting
We have only a few items left to finalize and then our divorce will be final. i'm letting go because i've got no other choice left.

i wonder what will happen then


Hopefully what will happen... is you find joy in YOUR life. Sometimes couples get back together after divorce. Who knows what's in store for you, but you can choose to be happy! You can choose what you do, but not what they do. Good thoughts and wishes headed your way!!



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i really am in a confusing place

i do feel that i've mourned my marraige

i believe this because I feel like I'm a widow-married to someone i may never see alive again

i've stopped wearing my rings because the circle of unbroken loyality and fidelity they represented to me has been broken

i've shared openly with my friends and family that my divorce will be final soon. They know what led to the divorce, that it was not me but my husband that filed and they know that i still love him (they think i'm foolish)

i've asked my lawyer to send me the documentation for changing back to my maiden name because it seems foolish to share a name with someone who doesn't want to share a life with me any longer

i realize that I'm not living like a married person. you can't really do this when you are all alone

but my heart is still committed to my husband

ps
i've never really considered before that i am allowing him to steal my future

he has stolen so much from me already

i'm not sure that I can ever get back what he has taken


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"maybe for both of them, they are happy and will continue to be happy together because they both help the other to deny the truth about the people they destroyed"

That may work for awhile, even for six years. But sooner or later, (if not now), they will be faced with the fact that the one thing they know for certain about the other is that they cheat.

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Originally Posted by ivebeenwaiting
i think maybe he hates what he did and wants to pretend that it never happened. it's easier to do that when he can pretend that i no longer exsist.

as long as i am still his wife "by law" I continue to be a reminder of what they did. her husband chose divorce.

maybe for both of them, they are happy and will continue to be happy together because they both help the other to deny the truth about the people they destroyed

i do know that i have offerred forgiveness to him and he said that he can't believe that i could forgive him when he will never forgive himself

it's too bad that we never get to find out what the people who don't end up at a place like this saying that they regret what they did really think and feel in the end

We have only a few items left to finalize and then our divorce will be final. i'm letting go because i've got no other choice left.

i wonder what will happen then

For the life of me, I just can not understand why you have given him this much power over you ??

carnation


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i agree that we think it's very easy to see that they are both cheaters. I really think though that they have convinced themselves that they only cheated because of the situation they were in that caused them to be so unhappy and that they would NEVER cheat on each other.

i think i'm just trying to make sense out of this

i guess it would be helpful for me to read posts from the people who had affairs to find out what their thoughts were

i know that everyone's thinking is different and that no-one can help me to know what is really going on in my husabnd's mind but it may help me to get a general idea


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Delving into the wayward mind is an unpleasant and generally unproductive endeavor. That isn't going to keep you from trying, I know, because I struggled with trying to understand the "why's" too, and I was as unsatisfied as everyone told me I would be with the "answers" I found.

Do you know right from wrong?

There is no way your H's behavior is ever going to make sense to you, because his actions are based on lies. Lies to himself primarily. YOU cannot make him become honest with himself anymore than you can make him choose the right path. You can choose not to enable those choices, you can choose to remove yourself from further damage as a result of his wrong choices.

All you can control is you. Its scarey to embrace that, but once you do, it is quite powerful.


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you are most likely right

although it would be nice to have some reason to believe that they are miserable when i can only imagine they are happy or they would have ended the affair

i am dreading the possibility that they are already, or will become engaged when the divorce is final and then will marry

i know it will most likely happen since they ahve been together this long but at the same time i can't really imagine him as someone else's husband because my heart still considers him mine

it would help me, i think, to have some communication with his family but it's an awkward situation for them to be in.

my sisters in laws have continued to e-mail me pictures. it makes me feel good to know that they still want to share graduation, new births and baptisms with me but it also makes me sad to be missing out on these things

i think that if we had children, that family connection would be kept through them

are there other posters here who have continued to hold out hope after such a long time?

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I will gently bow out of this, since you are not responding to me, which does not surprise me.

Let me just add - it is very disturbing that you are exactly in the same place you were years ago....

(nothing anyone says here will make a difference, unless, of course they tell you to keep holding on - or, that your husband is miserable)


carnation


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There are others that have been miserable for longer than you, of course. That doesn't mean it is the way to go though, nor does it make it "normal" or healthy.

Its a brutal hand you've been dealt, don't take the harsh seeming tone for a lack of sympathy.

We all would love to see you reclaim YOUR life. There is a whole world out there for you, it is time for you to find your place in it without your husband. His happiness or unhappiness, it not a factor in your happiness. Really, truly, if you could cause him to be miserable, even if you knew that that misery would not bring him back to you, would you condemn him to that? To what effect?

The thing is, you can't cause him to feel anything, so trying to do so or wishing to do so is a waste of your energy, it is an anchor upon you, holding you back. You have to heal, that is true. But you are preventing that from happening by focusing on things you cannot change.


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Ive...

I haven't posted in awhile due to health issues, but your posts sound like mine did.

I was married for 20 years, 2 kids, when in '06, ExH decided to have an A with a married woman 17 years younger. I found out, I filed for D a few months later. A decision at times I still regret. Did the plan A, B, no they weren't the best of plans, but I tried. ExH knew I'd forgive him, he never looked back.

OW got D'd. Our D was final last summer. ExH has been living with OW for 2 years now. I heard they were talking engagement over Christmas, who knows if they are or not?

Does he look happy when he comes to get the kids? Yeah. Is he, I don't know, wish I did though. I know, what would that prove? But I guess I want him to be miserable like he's made me.

My life has been changed forever. My kid's lives too. I am ruined financially. The person I thought I could trust and would spend the rest of my life with, is gone. My self esteem is non existant. I'm in IC and we are working on it, but I have a ways to go.

My IC asks me all the time. Why do I let ExH have so much control over me? Why do I care if he is happy or not. He obviously doesn't care about my happiness. IC tells me it's time to move on and live my own life. Take up a hobby etc. etc.

Well you know what? I don't know why I let him control my life, I just do. I wish I knew how he felt, if he's happy with her or is just living with her because he knows if he ends it, he can't make it financially without her, and everyone would say they told him so.

I've joined a gym, joined an area woman's club, even went out on a date a while ago. It's not better. I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm just telling it like it is. I guess I can't move on like some of the posters here can.

Yeah, I've prayed, even went back to the church that I stoppped going to for awhile. I don't see any difference.

People ask me all the time why would I ever want him back after all he has done to me? Because I still love him. Because maybe a part of me wants OW to get dumpoed by him as I got dumped. Maybe because I am familiar with him. I don't want to start all over dating again and all that cr@p. We could have had a great life together, if only he would have tried to.

Family and friends tell me their relationship won't last. Too big of an age difference. Even my IC tells me it probably won't last. But she then says there is no guarantee that he will want to come back to me if it ever does end. He could take up with someone else, or as I've read here, his pride just won't let him cone back. They've been living together for 2 years now, I don't see it ending. Her family loves him as does his family love her. I guess the age difference doesn't matter to them either, even though ExH is almost as old as her parents are.

These last few days have been hard on me. I've been so good not even thinking about him lately, but I had to call him yesterday regarding an issue about DS and school. When he answered the phone he actually sounded happy to hear from me. That little "hey, how ya doin" gave me hope. So sick I know, but it's things like that that get tov me and I just want to sit with him and ask him if OW is really what he wants. Obviously it is, or he would have chosen our M.

Maybe I need closure. I thought the D would do it, but we never talked about why he chose her etc., etc. Maybe I need that, but then am scared to hear what he has to say, maybe that he never loved me, loves her etc. etc.

Yeah I know, we are D'd, it's over etc., etc. but somedays it just feels like he'll be back again someday.

So I do know how you feel, I do feel your pain. I guess we are the minority here who just can't let go. Is that fair to us? Absolutely not. But after all people have told me, I still can't let go. I went on date, got a hobby, got involved in my community and church. Ya know what? I still miss him. My kids still miss him.

It's not getting easier and I'm at the point where I don't know what else to do, but just live my life day to day and see what today brings me.

I've learned you cannot make someone do something they don't want to do. You can't control what another person does. No matter how hard you wish for something, sometimes it just doesn't come true.

Sorry for being so down. I'm really not sure why I even posted this. I guess just to let you know that you are not alone. Is it sad to see you still hanging on after 6 years? Yeah. But I can see myself there too.

My IC asked me what it would take to forget ExH and move on with my life. I said if I had someone. ExH has someone to come home to, someone to sleep with. Yeah it's a skanky OW, but it's still someone. Who do I have? Maybe if I found someone who loved me, I could move on and forget him, but until then I guess we'll be in the same boat...sinking.

I will keep you in my thoughts...






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