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Aussieswife - you sure know everything about what is going on with me and how I am feeling. As a military wife - you give up and understand so much. But you always think and pray they will come home to you. You worry about their lives - not if they are cheating on you via internet while at war. I pray he finds his way - as he is lost.

I am taking care of me and I have become closer to God because of this situation. Like never before, I am standing under the cross praying that things will work out for the best. It is also keeping me from doing anything out of anger or hurt. The suffering is great. I do think there is a reason for all of this pain. And I do think that somehow this situation is God's way of bringing me closer to him and somehow will help my husband that there is a God and he needs to find him. Only time will tell.

Thanks for understanding me. You helped me today. You are an angel. I will keep the faith - stay still - and let things work themselves out. Take care!

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Sally,

The fact that he hasn't taken the logistics involved into having the children moved between residences is actually in your favor. You see, once he actually starts thinking about it he will realize that is won't really work without loads of coordination and inconvenience to him.

Have you considered using a mediator to discuss how this will work. Also, what arrangements will he make if he is deployed again. These are all questions he will need to provide the answers to if you actually end up in a custody battle.

The point is to make him start thinking about what his future will be like if you do divorce. It is likely that the effort to see his children will have a negative impact on his relationship with the OW.

I speak from experience. Early in our divorce proceedings, my XH indicated something about wanting custody of our 2 DD. When he realized the impact it would have on his life, he changed his mind. After he remarried, his new wife made it clear she wasn't interested in that lifestyle, and before long she would just disappear everytime the girls were visiting. That marriage lasted less than 3 years!

You might even be able to work out a trial period to give him a taste of what he thinks he wants. I'll bet the OW, having never been married and never having children will really have her eyes opened.

Who


I am the BW,
He is the FWH
D-Day: 12/02/03

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sallyg Offline OP
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Thanks WhoMe. I totally agree with you - with his two jobs - National Guard and civilian job - I think he knows he can't handle it. But I think his plan is to have this other woman take my place. She is a drama teacher and I think he has found the perfect mom. When we were talking the other night - he said one of this biggest problems with me is that I didn't fold his clothes right. Should be interesting to see if she is as perfect as he thinks. If that was his biggest problem with me so be it. As I said in one of my last postings - God has a bigger plan for me - and it isn't folding this man's underwear.

I just wish he would move on. So I can heal.

He asked me the other night - "If God is real - why would he destroy our marriage." I told him maybe because he wants to make it stronger for us or make 2 marriages stronger the next time around. I later thought about his comment and told him that God didn't destroy our marriage - he is the one that made the decision to do that. God gives us free will and what we do with that free will is up to us. I still feel he is lost and his soul is empty.

If anyone has advice on how I can help him find his way to God - let me know. I think it is best right now for me to take care of myself and the children - hopefully he will find his way. I have certainly found my way to God during this ordeal. I am thankful for that.

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Hi Sally,

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When we were talking the other night - he said one of this biggest problems with me is that I didn't fold his clothes right. Should be interesting to see if she is as perfect as he thinks. If that was his biggest problem with me so be it. As I said in one of my last postings - God has a bigger plan for me - and it isn't folding this man's underwear.

ROFLMAO!!!

Sally, I sure hope you see the humor in this...

My WW recently lamented how she'd "scrubbed my underwear" all these years...I had to laugh, as I was the one who was more likely to be doing the laundry, making the bed, doing the dishes, etc.

I'm sure you realize that any such comments on his part are purely self-serving and, if he were forced to defend them, would fall flat...I'm sure he doesn't even believe it himself.

My WW often said I was too critical and judgmental, yet I've been walking around the house today and have been filled with memories of how her world was even more restrictive. Towels had to be folded just so, yet laundry could pile up for over a week if left to her.

Not sure where God comes into this, Sally, but as you mentioned, he did give us all free will and your WH is pissing it all away in spite of God's "plan".

I'd strongly recommend you steer well clear of "God" talk w/ WH...it's counterproductive and he'll use it (as you saw) as a way to argue with you and avoid what he's choosing to do.

My WW was brought up Catholic, and I'm largely agnostic. How it is that she's able to justify such a sin while I see it clearly makes me realize that God is within and cannot be forced on someone from the outside.

YOU are strong...focus on that, rather than how you WH is weak and wrong.

L2F


If God is a DJ, life is a dance floor, you get what you're given, it's all how you use it... Pink
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Learning2Fly- thanks for post.

Yes, I am concentrating on me. I am looking and feeling more strong and fab everyday. I get down from time to time knowing he is with her emotionally and physically - but I try to wipe that out of my head when I can. I am trying to avoid him - eventhough he is still in the house.

Today, he mentioned to me that I never wore 4 inch heels in our marriage like I was wearing today. I said I most certainly did. I reminded him that when I picked him up at the airport with our children on his 2 week leave from Iraq I had them on w/ white short shorts. He didn't tell me I looked good (I lost 25 lbs while he was gone - from size 12 to size 8) when he saw me. He was already in love with the OW he didn't even notice me. This was before I realized about the A. Now I understand why he didn't say anything to me that day. Why is he noticing things about me now and telling me hurtful things. Example - my weight when I got pregnant made him unattracted to me and is why he had the A? Just so everyone knows I gained 10 pounds for each of our 2 children - it was not like I even went out of my weight range for my height.

He went to church with us today - he cried as usual during the mass. Why do you think that is? Why does he even go if he does not believe? Why is he living 2 lives? Both can't be healthy - I know I give him a hard time and he sees me in pain - she must get mad at the time he spends with me and the children. Why does he do this?

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Hey Sally!

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Why does he do this?

You know what? He does this because it appears he's starting to "get it"...

He goes to church because he's starting to get back in touch w/ reality.

He cries because he feels the impact of some fundamental truth

He's noticing you because he's not taking you for granted anymore.

His comments about your weight are just plain babble...don't respond, react or acknowledge. He's only trying to assuage his own guilt at having strayed...if he can point to something "wrong" with you, to him it somehow lessons the sting of his own choices...

You don't need to point that out to him...no point.

Your understanding that is for YOU, not for him...at least not yet.

Interesting going back and putting the pieces together from before D Day...things make more sense now.

Are you still Plan A'ing?

Re-read the Carrot and Stick...

and enjoy your day!!!

((((Sally))))


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Would you help me - the link to Carrot and Stick is not working. Where do I find it so I can read it again. I am so bad with love busters. I need to bite my lip - but it is so hard when you are in pain. I will try. Thanks for helping me find the way.

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Hey Sally, I bumped Mark's thread...the Carrot and Stick are about the 4th entry down...

Mark's Troubleshooting and Repair Manual

I too am not so accomplished at biting my lip, but am getting better.

Once you truly understand that you don't have to take everything a WS says as being relevant or worthy of a response, you can sit back and chill a little more.

L2F

Last edited by Learning2Fly; 03/31/08 12:16 AM. Reason: because I can!
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Just read it - every word. Awesome! Thanks! I will be still. I will do my best and look and feel my best. I will take care of myself and the children. I will not speak ill or sting with comments. I will move on with my life and if he wakes from the fog - that is good. If not, I am still better for it because I have taken the steps to be me.

Yesterday, we took our children to a playground. We had just come from a recital so we were dressed up. While watching the children play, I got on a swing set. With my red heels and nice dress I began to swing. I began to swing so high that I felt like I was flying. I yelled out - "I am getting my life back and it feels great!" He looked over at me with a puzzled look on his face. I have not been on a swing in years and I forgot how great it can be.

Thanks for help. Life is too short to be sad - enjoy it because there is something great to come!

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Question for everyone - Is trying to minimize conversation with WS while they are in your house and having the affair a love buster? To make sure I am not getting into any conflict or issues - I am trying to be still. Is that a love buster?

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Is trying to minimize conversation with WS while they are in your house and having the affair a love buster?

I say no... as a matter of fact that sounds like what you are supposed to be doing...

There's a thread out there that talk about this. Babbling back is one of them. I cant remember who's post it is though. Minimalizing conversation is just a way of avoiding love busting and is a way to babble back at the wayward spouse...

I haven't had any deep conversations with my wife for a while... Normally it's very short and to the point... not ugly on my part... just direct.... When she gets ugly I just sort of agree with her... or say I see.... or I understand.... It usually throws her for a loop.

One time I asked her a direct question that she wasn't ready for... I asked her who would put sugar in her gas tank...(I knew it was her OM #1) It cought her so off guard the only thing she could say was... "I don't want to say over the airways."......LMAO... I knew who it was before I asked the question... I just though it was a normal question that someone would ask and it blew her mind....LOL....Then I asked what she did to piss this person off.... She got real defensive... So I let it go....LOL

It just felt good to know that she's no different than any other wayward spouse and that she's just following the script....And since I have already read the script I pretty much know what she's going to do... It's some what comical and comforting at the same time...


BH, 46
STBXWW, 41, Serial Cheater
D-Day #1 5-26-2006 (Our Wedding Aniversary)
D-Day #2 12-26-2007
D-Day #3 5-11-2008
Separated 1-5-2008
STBX filed for divorce March 2009
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Amazin-thanks. Would you explain to me the script of the WS? I would love to know.

He is still in the "I love you but I am still not in love with you" phase and so the affair is going strong. He called me twice last night on my cell when I was out > 10pm and 1am > no message. I then found a note from him on my bed asking if he wanted me have him drive a friend to the airport at 5am this morning that I promised I would. I did not wake him from his room - I did it myself and ignored the note. So why is he trying to do things for me or be nice when he is being so terrible by carrying on the affair? If he was nice - wouldn't he put that on hold or end it with her? He still thinks he can have his cake and eat it too. I think he is beginning to realize that this shortcake is not waiting around for him anymore smile And just for the record - if I could save my marriage - I would - he wants nothing to do with me sexually. He wants me as the mother and caretaker, but not the girlfriend.

So can you tell me the "normal" script of a WS? I know they are all different - but I would like to know what may be coming at me so I can read the signs. Are there stages?

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Sally, how's it going??


If God is a DJ, life is a dance floor, you get what you're given, it's all how you use it... Pink
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Sally,

As a fellow military wife, I hope things are going better for you. It's so hard to watch them change and become somebody you don't recognize.

LA.



BS(me) 40
WH 40
D-day 10/03/2007
***Recovering and growing wiser and stronger.***
I was divorced 10/08/2008.

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Thanks for checking in on me folks. I know you are all out there and I appreciate the check in. That is so important that you don't give up on people.

Here is where I am today. We are moving forward with the divorce. He still will not leave the OW and he still says he does not love me anymore. I still say he is ill from the war, but now I am realizing that this has probably been going on even before he left. He lives 2 lives - cilivian and military - and that power from the military life is just too delicious for him. So be it. I don't like that person anyway - it makes me ill to see how he treats people when he is like that. I still love the other person - but that person is almost dead - he comes out every once in a while - but for the most part - he is dead.

I received a great promotion for work and I asked to joint custody of the children in two different places in the country. He wants me to follow my dream - so he wants me to go. We are working together to figure out the custody. We are still trying to figure it out.

In our meeting - we both agreed we still love each other - but it is not going to work. It is terrible - but I can't make him love me and leave her. That is his job. I have to move on. I wish him happiness.

What do you think?

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Sally,

Is he still living in the same house with you and your children? If he is, since you are proceeding with the divorce, is he planning on moving out or are you?

Who


I am the BW,
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Congrats on the promotion Sally!!!

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He wants me to follow my dream - so he wants me to go

...what he "wants" for you is irrelevant, and it looks like this "desire" is meant to both relieve his own guilt and make his A easier...it's babble and it's a waste of time to listen to.

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I still love the other person - but that person is almost dead - he comes out every once in a while - but for the most part - he is dead

Tell us about the beginning of your marriage...how you were first attracted to eachother, and what life as like...

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He still will not leave the OW and he still says he does not love me anymore

Remember...plan A is not to end affair, it's to make you the "attractive alternative"...something you've been showing him...that is when you're not lovebusting...

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He lives 2 lives - cilivian and military - and that power from the military life is just too delicious for him. So be it. I don't like that person anyway

hmmmm. Were you not attracted to this "power" in the beginning?

FWIW (for what it's worth) I think that most military leaders who have been around long enough recognize that "power" and "control" are largely an illusion...especially when it comes to war.

I'm sure one thing your H saw in Iraq was that try as he might, those under his charge still were killed or maimed, and there wasn't a damn thing he could do about it. That's a tough pill to swallow for someone who's supposed to be "in charge".

Believer mentioned something in a recent post to another about "buyer's remorse", or the feeling by the BS that perhaps their WS might NOT be worth the trouble. So true, and it's normal.

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we both agreed we still love each other

Good!

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...but it is not going to work

ummm, OK... Besides the ongoing affair and the revision of your marital history by your WH, why?

Have you done a phone counseling session with either of the Harley's yet???

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WhoMe - yes he is still living in the house. He still calls at 5pm to ask what's for dinner. Makes me sick - we have not told the kids yet so I am stuck. Once the custody is finalized, I can tell the kids and get away from him. He is still having his cake and eat it too. Taking the job and putting the house for sale is the only way I can get out of this bad place in my life.

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Learning2Fly - thanks for the congrats - I am so happy and now I can let go and start my life over again.

You asked about the beginning of our marriage - we met during the 1st Gulf War - same tape that he is playing with her - love notes, songs, pen pal, etc. That was 17+ years ago. He is reliving our lives from that time with the OW now. I was attracted to him because he was strong and protective. I was just out of college. He did not have power then. We both became powerful together-he in his job and me in mine. He stopped taking care of me over the years, protecting me, especially when I had children, was sick, or had cancer scare. He was not there for me emotionally so I stopped asking for help and did everything myself. Now he calls me "superwoman" in a bad tone - but if he isn't there to help and he left me to become independent, what does he expect. I am sure the attraction between him and the OW is her need to be protected and taken care of. He wants total power and that is just not healthy for a spouse - therefore I recognize this relationship is not healthy for me. I want a 50/50 partnership with a spouse and one that cares and appreciates me. He wants someone to praise him and give him all of their attention and be sexual 24/7. The OW can do that - not married, no kids, no house, no responsibilities. He has found what he is looking for.

I said to him - I am going to call you in 17 years and ask you if you love her like you say you love me today. I said, I bet you won't. I said only 3% of affairs last and of them the marriage success rate is 25%. He said he is not a percentage. I told him that is good that he thinks that way - good luck!

As for phone and marriage counciling - the therapist we went to told us that if he is in an active affair - we should not bother therapy all it is doing is hurting me. She was right. I stopped the sessions - it hurt too much.

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