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Are you going to let Pix know what your new nickname is or shall I? (where is that dang rolley-eyes icon???????)......
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Sugar Ray? LOL
More on my story later...
FS: Me, 31
WS: Dh, 36
DD's: 6, 4 weeks
D-Day: 11/16/07
Plan A: 1/13/07
Recovery: 3/10/08
My Original Thread
God's timing is perfect. He is never late.
--Joyce Meyer Battlefield of the Mind
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Sugar Ray? LOL
More on my story later... Yep, that's it.... oh, and that last part is a terrible tease ya know..... not2fun
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okay all, i'm back again. things have been pretty rocky since i was here last. we've had several discussions about his continued communication with her, to which his answer was always "let me handle this in my own way", "let me finish it", etc.
Well, last week was horrible. Starting out with Monday when his phone bill became viewable on the website, I was able to see that he had been communicating with her almost every day since he'd been home. The whole week was pretty much knock down, drag out. Finally late Friday night, everything came to a head when I found a picture of her BOOBS on his phone. Saturday I gave him an ultimatum, we talked and he agreed that he would end it with her once and for all. He tried to bargain, tried to set conditions for me, tried to keep her in his life, etc. But finally he agreed; called her and told her to get lost. Then he talked to her on Sunday and Monday, then Thursday and again yesterday.
Honestly, I'm at a loss. When I put the pressure on him, he admits to everything, agrees that he's wrong, says he wants to change and agrees to let her go. But he still talks to her. I believe he can't help himself (or chooses not to even try). Nevertheless, I see how affairs are addictions. And this is what worries me. He has an addictive personality anyway (re: drinking). I still have hope for the future -- for our future -- but I admit that I'm feeling discouraged and rightly so.
So, I just need to ask him to leave, right? I admit I'm still at the place where I'm afraid to let him go because I'm afraid he'll run right back to her. But I don't seem to have any other options. It makes me so sad that he knows what needs to be done but he won't MAKE himself do it.
Any advice?
FS: Me, 31
WS: Dh, 36
DD's: 6, 4 weeks
D-Day: 11/16/07
Plan A: 1/13/07
Recovery: 3/10/08
My Original Thread
God's timing is perfect. He is never late.
--Joyce Meyer Battlefield of the Mind
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Well, he is NEVER going to go NC with her, because he doesn't HAVE to. He can just sit back home with you and continue the affair.
I would scrape up some money and call the Harleys. They may be able to give you a plan.
After so many times of promising NC to you, and continuing to contact her, you will start losing your love for him.
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Well, he is NEVER going to go NC with her, because he doesn't HAVE to. He can just sit back home with you and continue the affair. Yes, I see that. At least, now I do. I guess what concerns me is will he EVER be able to let her go? I would scrape up some money and call the Harleys. They may be able to give you a plan. I think that's a good idea. I'd been putting it off because of the cost, but I should have some money coming in this week and I think I'll do just that. After so many times of promising NC to you, and continuing to contact her, you will start losing your love for him. Yes, I agree. I'm at the point now where I'm so disgusted at his continued lack of concern for my feelings. He's so disrespectful -- always putting his own and her feelings above mine. Then blaming me for having self-esteem issues. Putting just everything on me -- like I'm the one with the problem...
FS: Me, 31
WS: Dh, 36
DD's: 6, 4 weeks
D-Day: 11/16/07
Plan A: 1/13/07
Recovery: 3/10/08
My Original Thread
God's timing is perfect. He is never late.
--Joyce Meyer Battlefield of the Mind
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So, I just need to ask him to leave, right? I admit I'm still at the place where I'm afraid to let him go because I'm afraid he'll run right back to her. But I don't seem to have any other options. It makes me so sad that he knows what needs to be done but he won't MAKE himself do it. I'm not qualified to tell you what to do. However, I can address the letting go. You can't control what he does or doesn't do. And obviously he isn't giving her up at this point. He is ADDICTED. And when someone in THEIR ADDICTION, they lose the ability to choose. He needs to hit rock bottom and you can't cause it or help it along. You can only take care of yourself and set your boundaries. OH MY DID I JUST SAY THAT? Seriously, let G-d have this and see what miracles he can work out. You can't live in fear, it will destroy you. Are you able to make it on your own financially?
BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
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If you possibly can, call the Harleys and get a plan. You have him home, and hubby apparently realizes what he should do, but is having trouble doing it.
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your husband is a liar a bully. He will not stop contacting her until YOU earn his respect by giving him consequences for his actions.
If he contacts her again, tell him to leave and go into a dark plan B. Do you really think your H gives a hoot what the Harley's say.
Kick him out and plan B and I would bet the house that he comes back with his tail between his legs in no time.
Right now, you are acting in a way that is allowing him to sit on the fence.
Get tough...and act.
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Well, I don't know how much of the site you've read, but this is where you seem to be, so I will post to you what Dr. Harley says at this stage... Sometimes a wayward spouse settles into a routine of having his or her cake and eating it too. In an effort to win the wayward spouse back, the betrayed spouse meets emotional needs that the lover cannot meet, while the lover meets emotional needs that the betrayed spouse has not learned to meet. While this competition is excruciatingly painful to the betrayed spouse, and the lover as well, the wayward spouse basks in the warmth of being loved and cared for by two people, with no real motivation to choose one over the other.
So, to avoid an indefinite period of suffering while a wayward spouse vacillates between spouse and lover, and to avoid rewarding the selfish behavior of having needs met by both spouse and lover, if plan A does not work within a reasonable period of time, I recommend plan B.
Plan B is for the betrayed spouse to avoid all contact with the wayward spouse until the affair has completely ended and the wayward spouse has agreed to my plan for recovery. In many cases, once an affair has ended, a betrayed spouse makes the mistake of taking the wayward spouse back before an agreement is made regarding marital recovery. This leads to a return to all the conditions that made the affair possible -- love is not restored, resentment is not overcome, and there is a very great risk for another affair. Without agreement and subsequent implementation of a plan for recovery, the betrayed spouse is better off continuing with plan B.
Since plan B (and plan A, for that matter), is extremely stressful for the betrayed spouse, I usually recommend that he or she ask a physician to prescribe anti-depressant medication to be taken throughout the crisis. This not only greatly reduces the suffering of the betrayed spouse, but it also helps keep a clear head at a time when patience and wise decisions are crucial. Anti-depressant medication does not numb the betrayed spouse to the crisis, it actually helps raise him or her above emotional reactions that would otherwise prevent clear-headed thinking. Why suffer and and make poor choices when anti-depressant medication can help ease your pain and improve your concentration in this time of unprecedented crisis?
While I have seen remarkable success by people using plan A and plan B, success is by no means guaranteed. The problem with Plan B is that the unfaithful spouse may not return, nor agree to the plan for recovery, even after the affair has ended. Separation in marriage is always risky because, "out of sight, out of mind." Unless plan A leaves the wayward s pouse with the impression that returning home is an attractive choice, separation can become permanent. So before implementing plan B, you want to be sure that the last thing your spouse remembers about you is the care and thoughtfulness you offered in plan A. That way, the separation can help create, "absence makes the heart grow fonder." Obviously, the fighting (which I cannot imagine NOT doing when he is being such a jerk) isn't what you need right now. I'm sure the children aren't liking it much either. Protect yourself and your finances, set up an intermediary and a temporary visitation schedule for the kids (if you cannot agree to one, get a L and have them draw up something legal). Cut him off completely from you, and let them crash and burn! Have you exposed? To whom and when? Is OW married? Also, where is he emotionally with the children? I ask because if he is pretty far gone in A-land, he may legally agree to very little visitation just to "get out of the fire" so to speak, which you can take advantage of and be much more in control of the time he spends with them. Waywards are sh!tty parents, and the children are much better off with you until he re-gains his sanity!
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However, I can address the letting go. You can't control what he does or doesn't do. And obviously he isn't giving her up at this point. He is ADDICTED. And when someone in THEIR ADDICTION, they lose the ability to choose. yep, the addiction is surely rearing it's ugly head. i get that and i guess that's what scares me. i guess i always thought that if he was here then I "had" him and I was one up. But that's not true at all. All he's doing is making me miserable and keeping me from living a good life. Seriously, let G-d have this and see what miracles he can work out. You can't live in fear, it will destroy you. yes and yes. enough said. Are you able to make it on your own financially? no, i'm a sahm. BUT my family will offer support as my parents have a disposable income for the most part, although i hate for it to come to that.
FS: Me, 31
WS: Dh, 36
DD's: 6, 4 weeks
D-Day: 11/16/07
Plan A: 1/13/07
Recovery: 3/10/08
My Original Thread
God's timing is perfect. He is never late.
--Joyce Meyer Battlefield of the Mind
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You have him home, and hubby apparently realizes what he should do, but is having trouble doing it. Like I said, I guess that's what I've always thought, too -- re: having him home. But I think now all that's happening is that I'm enabling his behavior and the vaccilation between her and myself. I KNOW he's having trouble separating himself from her and I've been trying to both deal with my own emotions (response to him) and show him how his behavior is affecting me so that it will facilitate change, but it's only making matters worse. He constantly says I'm trying to tell him how to feel -- which isn't true. But he's not making ANY effort here. He's taking taking taking and giving very little. I really think my only course of action is, as others have suggested, to ask him to leave and go into plan b. i have a feeling it won't take long, but i've been avoiding it and i think that's causing more harm than good.
Last edited by LostPixie; 04/27/08 08:20 AM.
FS: Me, 31
WS: Dh, 36
DD's: 6, 4 weeks
D-Day: 11/16/07
Plan A: 1/13/07
Recovery: 3/10/08
My Original Thread
God's timing is perfect. He is never late.
--Joyce Meyer Battlefield of the Mind
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Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 112
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Posts: 112 |
your husband is a liar a bully. He will not stop contacting her until YOU earn his respect by giving him consequences for his actions.
If he contacts her again, tell him to leave and go into a dark plan B. Do you really think your H gives a hoot what the Harley's say.
Kick him out and plan B and I would bet the house that he comes back with his tail between his legs in no time.
Right now, you are acting in a way that is allowing him to sit on the fence.
Get tough...and act. all right mr. straight talker, you're EXACTLY right on all accounts. i know this. now's the time for action.
FS: Me, 31
WS: Dh, 36
DD's: 6, 4 weeks
D-Day: 11/16/07
Plan A: 1/13/07
Recovery: 3/10/08
My Original Thread
God's timing is perfect. He is never late.
--Joyce Meyer Battlefield of the Mind
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Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 112
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Protect yourself and your finances, set up an intermediary and a temporary visitation schedule for the kids (if you cannot agree to one, get a L and have them draw up something legal). Cut him off completely from you, and let them crash and burn! I have a lawyer (I filed for D right after I found out about the A), so we already have a LSA and a custody arrangement (which is "reasonable" visitation for him, with sole custody for me). Have you exposed? To whom and when? Is OW married? Also, where is he emotionally with the children? I ask because if he is pretty far gone in A-land, he may legally agree to very little visitation just to "get out of the fire" so to speak, which you can take advantage of and be much more in control of the time he spends with them. Waywards are sh!tty parents, and the children are much better off with you until he re-gains his sanity! I exposed the day I found out about the A (before I even knew that's what you were supposed to do). OW is not married. She had a live-in boyfriend of 9 years; he left when HE found out about the A (sometime last summer - I didn't find out until November). He never looked back, which I think says a lot about OW. He's "good" with the kids, but he makes our home unpleasant just by being here. Around here, it tends to be "if DADDY ain't happy, ain't nobody happy", although I'm trying to control MY emotions so that the girls have a secure environment. Truth is, I was handling everything a lot better when he wasn't here. It's the constant lack of respect and concern on his part re: OW that makes things bad. That, and the fact that his means of coping are running off to the bar.
FS: Me, 31
WS: Dh, 36
DD's: 6, 4 weeks
D-Day: 11/16/07
Plan A: 1/13/07
Recovery: 3/10/08
My Original Thread
God's timing is perfect. He is never late.
--Joyce Meyer Battlefield of the Mind
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I'm so angry with myself. I guess I thought that because he acknowledged that what he was doing was wrong and then acted on doing the right thing (coming home) that the fog had lifted. but it hasn't. i just got so much fog speak, my head is floating above the clouds. "there was trouble before her" "this isn't about her" "she's not a part of the problem" "she's a friend that I enjoy conversing with" "you hurt me too badly, i don't know if i can re-build". BAH! I *know* this is fog speak. Then why do I let it hurt me so?
Bottom line, I asked him (again) if he was willing to cease contact with her and again I got "let me handle it" (btw, according to him, *I* am being disrespectful to him by not letting him continue to carry on with her. LOL). So, I gave him my plan b letter. I was in the process of writing it out long-hand, but I gave the printed version to him because I wanted him to have it now, before he left for the afternoon. immediatly upon reading it, he'd decided that he would go. (which just shows me how much he really is still in the FOG.) Then he said he was going to think on it and would be back tonight. we'll see...
here's my letter, btw. i had asked for links to plan b letters the other day but didn't get any replies. i hope this serves it's purpose well...
Dearest,
I’m writing this out so that I can get all my thoughts out without interruption.
You say I say the same things over and over again. I guess I do, in some form. That’s probably because I feel like you’re not hearing or understanding me. I tell you how much your behavior hurts me and you don’t seem to make any effort to change it. If you’re not ready to change, I can accept that. But I cannot allow your negative behavior and attitude to continue to affect me on a daily basis.
I believe in you. I believe you know what’s right and that you want to do what’s right. I believe that you are a good person. I believe that you are a good father. I believe that you are a good provider. I believe that you can be a good husband. The problem is I don’t think you believe these things. You can have a good life, xxx. You are entitled to have a good life. The past has no bearing on the future. We will survive this and we will be happier that we thought we could ever be. And we’ll be stronger.
You’re not the only one who’s angry. We’ve both hurt each other. I understand that you’re scared and hesitant about things between us because of that. I’d be stupid if I didn’t admit the same. But I am doing my best at acknowledging the ways I’ve hurt you in the past and trying to change myself and my behavior so that doesn’t happen again. The thing about anger and resentment is that it’s about things that happened in the past. We have to learn to put the past behind us and look forward to the future. There are good things for us yet to come, but we have to be willing to make a fresh start. Acknowledge the way we’ve hurt each other, the pain we’ve caused, and commit to not doing those things again. We have to learn from our mistakes. We have to right the wrongs of our past by moving forward. We can’t forget the past, but at least we’ll be able to say that we knew what we did wrong and then we made up for it. Those wrongs will never be forgotten, but they’ll be forgiven. We have to look forward, and leave the past behind us… The future starts today. Right now. This second.
That’s why this cycle cannot continue. Your behavior re: the other woman in your life is both unfair to me and destructive to our relationship and our children. If you’re truly committed to putting our lives back together, then you need to make the effort to cease contact with her. Period. Bottom line: as long as she’s a part of your life, I’m not. If you can’t commit to ceasing contact with her, then I think it’s best that we be apart for a while. Please don’t confuse this and think I’m telling you that all is lost, because I’m not. I still haven’t given up on you and I will continue to fight for you. For us. For our family. I WILL NOT GIVE UP ON YOU.
I’ve told you previously that I didn’t want you to leave because I was afraid you wouldn’t come back. While that’s true, I can’t allow this to continue. I believe with all my heart that you will come back, that we’ll re-build our relationship and have a happy family. But that can’t continue while she’s a part of your life. You know this, yet you continue to let her taint our efforts at healing. I’m not sure what it’s going to take to get you to realize that the important things in your life reside under this roof. What I do know is that you haven’t truly realized this fact or you would not continue to be in contact with her. She’s bad for you and you know it. Anyone who encourages you to leave your wife and children simply cannot have good intentions.
When you’re really ready to heal our relationship, you’ll know it. And I will, too. If you are ready, let’s do it. If you’re not, then I think we both know what has to happen… Until that time, it’s best that you not live here and we have minimal contact. Of course, you can still speak to DD and get updates about baby-DD. We can arrange visitation at a time that’s convenient for both of us. I hope you understand that this is what’s best for all of us.
I love you, as always and forever,
xxx
Last edited by LostPixie; 05/03/08 01:19 PM.
FS: Me, 31
WS: Dh, 36
DD's: 6, 4 weeks
D-Day: 11/16/07
Plan A: 1/13/07
Recovery: 3/10/08
My Original Thread
God's timing is perfect. He is never late.
--Joyce Meyer Battlefield of the Mind
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OK...that is a pretty good Plan B letter (I would have liked to see you use a little tougher language when speaking of his ADULTEROUS BEHAVIOR) but...let me ask you this...
If you gave him the PBL, which means you are IN PLAN B...then WHY is he coming back tonight? Call him right now and tell him that you meant what you said and that you will not see or speak to him until he ends his AFFAIR. Tell him you need to know (via voice mail/email) when he will be coming by to pick up the things he needs. Then you need to LEAVE while he is there.
Do you have an intermediary to intercept emails/voicemails and to do the visitation pick up/drop off for the children? You need to have a notebook also, for the baby, to pass back and forth between the intermediary to journal when she ate/slept/had meds/etc. This is important especially if she is sick or isn't on a set schedule...which even if she is, (sorry guys) if you are the SAHM, a guy isn't going to be as structured with the baby's schedule, so you will need to know when she ate/slept when she was with him.
If you weren't ready to be this firm, then you maybe should have waited a little longer and received more advice from some of the Plan B experts around here. Doing it halfway just looks like manipulation on your part, and quickly turns into manipulation on HIS part, because he knows you aren't serious. Basically, if you see or have any contact with him at all, he is getting his Pixie "fix," and then also has his freedom to run around unencumbered with the OW. This is NOT a good thing. The point of Plan B is to protect the love you have for him by avoiding all contact completely (removing yourself from the drama) and to let him go, so that he must rely on the OW to meet all of his needs. That puts pressure on the A because most of the time the fantasy bubble is broken pretty quickly, when real life bites them in the [censored].
So, what is the plan now? You need a solid PLAN..it will help you feel strong, in control, and centered. It isn't too late to get your ducks in a row, especially since you already have a lawyer and visitation set up.
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If you gave him the PBL, which means you are IN PLAN B...then WHY is he coming back tonight? Call him right now and tell him that you meant what you said and that you will not see or speak to him until he ends his AFFAIR. he's not. he's already packed up his things and he's left. he kept referencing his reason for leaving as "working on things" and I said "let me be clear. i told you in no uncertain terms that if she was a part of your life, i would not be. this is not about you working on your issues, because in fact i think that's better done with me, your wife. this is about ow. you refuse to cease contact with her and that's why you're leaving." Do you have an intermediary to intercept emails/voicemails and to do the visitation pick up/drop off for the children? You need to have a notebook also, for the baby, to pass back and forth between the intermediary to journal when she ate/slept/had meds/etc. This is important especially if she is sick or isn't on a set schedule...which even if she is, (sorry guys) if you are the SAHM, a guy isn't going to be as structured with the baby's schedule, so you will need to know when she ate/slept when she was with him. i don't have an intermediary, no. the truth is, there is no one to serve this purpose. he won't be here locally. he'll leave town to find a job, somewhere else (which leaves the option open that he may return to her area and is the big "what if" I've dealt with all along). even if he were to stick around, he can't take the baby as she's a nursling and him physically having her away from me isn't in the visitation plan. to be perfectly honest with you, i anticipate him dropping out of site for a while. we separated a few years ago and he went completely dark for a few weeks, which i guess is how many people say that ws' react to plan b. what he did last time was become totally self-absorbed, get drunk a lot, realize the horror of what he's done, how he was wrong, and then beg forgivness. i guess maybe it's too much to expect that and i'm not even hoping for it per se... Anyway, i guess the bottom line is that i don't expect to see him again until he's ready to come back. i could be wrong about that, in which case you'll chew my *ss about it... I intend to be firm. Emotionally, i'm all used up as far as he's concerned and my love for him is slipping -- i know that's why it's time for plan b. i can't continue to be his whipping post. i'm truly at the point where i'm happy that he's gone because i'm free to be happy and not brought down by him and his actions. wondering if he's talking to OW, etc. i don't care. if he wants to go back to her, fine. as you said, that bubble will burst pretty quickly. in early march i did a "quickie plan b" and it took all of 5 days before he had his stuff packed up and was on his way home. as far as the plan... visitation. check. money. well, either he'll send money or he won't. i do have a court order and i guess i'll use it if i have to. what else is there?
Last edited by LostPixie; 05/03/08 01:18 PM.
FS: Me, 31
WS: Dh, 36
DD's: 6, 4 weeks
D-Day: 11/16/07
Plan A: 1/13/07
Recovery: 3/10/08
My Original Thread
God's timing is perfect. He is never late.
--Joyce Meyer Battlefield of the Mind
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Posts: 1,560
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(((((((Pixie))))))))
It's gotta be a very emotional, rough day for you and I am sorry for that! I guess I misunderstood your last post, and I do apologize.
You are such a strong, amazing woman...it took a lot of guts to do this. I hope you get the result you want, although in a few weeks it may be a different result from the one you wish for today. Sounds like you guys have had your problems through the years. Maybe this time he will really grow up and be the husband and father you deserve. Either way, you will be OK!!
We are all cheering for you! I know the boards are slow on the weekends, so I'll keep checking in to see how you are doing. Prayers coming your way from W2S and me!!
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thanks lala.
i don't feel strong. or amazing. i feel defeated. i put everything into making him happy. i always have. and look where that's gotten me. i gave him everything. and what to i get in return? nothing. not a damn thing.
Lord, give me strength.
FS: Me, 31
WS: Dh, 36
DD's: 6, 4 weeks
D-Day: 11/16/07
Plan A: 1/13/07
Recovery: 3/10/08
My Original Thread
God's timing is perfect. He is never late.
--Joyce Meyer Battlefield of the Mind
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Posts: 6,643
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Posts: 6,643 |
{{{{{{{{{{{{Pixie}}}}}}}}}}} Oh Pixie, do I hear your pain today. I'm so sorry and am so supportive of you. Good for you on the Plan B letter. i don't feel strong. or amazing. i feel defeated. i put everything into making him happy. i always have. and look where that's gotten me. i gave him everything. and what to i get in return? nothing. not a damn thing.
Lord, give me strength I can PROMISE you that G-d will give you the strength. You may not feel like it right now, but he will. I have walked through enough of this pain to know that. One of the most significant G-d shot moments was back in October. I was struggling so bad with myself on what was happening. I truly believe G-d started talking to me in my head and told me that it was NEVER my job to make my H happy. It was MY job to make myself happy. My WH is miserable in his life and completely blames me and our M on that misery. He believes that OW will make him happy. But you know what, that's not her job either. It's WH job and G-ds. That's their journey to find their own happiness. It sounds like you did the same thing I did, take their journey away from them by trying to fix things and possibly play G-d. But we aren't G-d. We are only helpmates for our H. Your greatest gift to your WH right now is to let G-d have him and do the work that G-d needs to do, while you concentrate on healing yourself. Is it easy. FLIP NO... But if you want your M as strongly as I want mine and are willing to go to any lengths, then learn about yourself, learn about how to be the woman G-d always intended and let G-d have your WH. Because I can promise you, G-d is hurting over this more than you CAN EVER IMAGINE.
BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
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