It is never a good idea to give your "everything". Sometimes it is necessary to sit back and let the other person give something.

Be sure to do a DARK Plan B. Try to keep busy doing things that make you happy.

Believer is right...time to focus on you and begin to heal yourself. One day at a time. Try not to think too far ahead. Do things that occupy your mind-especially when the kids go to bed and you are alone. I know it sounds crazy, but video games are GREAT for this if you have a gaming system. If not, get online and find a free games site. Even something like solitare (which is installed on every computer) would be good.

We are here for you...hold on, Pixie. Today is bad, but tomorrow will be a little better, and then the next day and the next...

And you ARE STRONG and BEAUTIFUL and AMAZING!!!!!!!!

i'm embracing the fact that some things happen for a season. this isn't permanent. i know this is only a stepping stone to the future. something that has to happen in order to move through this horrible time and on to a better life. i've done all i can for him now. i've turned him over to himself and God.

i'm going to continue working on myself. i'm down 15lbs in a month and i had to roll the waistband on my "skinny" jeans today. so there ya go.

off to cuddle with the baby and watch Juno.

thanks everyone for your support.

you are exactly right. it's not my job and i see now that it can't be done no matter how hard i try. it is consoling to me to know that she CAN'T make him happy. i'm 100x the woman she is and she can't even BEGIN to fill my shoes.

Hi Pixie,

I haven't read all of your thread, but what I've read leads me to believe that your sitch was much like mine. I did a few really bad Plan B's, so don't do that. They lose respect for you and will continue to walk all over you. Set your boundary and stick to it.

We're here to support you. I'm usually on all weekend, so shout out if you need someone to chat with...

i've been thinking about the intermediary thing. i see why this is an important aspect to the plan and i realize i didn't give this issue my full attention before.

so, just thinking out loud here... should it be someone local (to me)? in reality, we don't have any mutual friends and my family wants nothing to do with him. i could probably convince one of my aunts to do it if pressed, but i'm not sure how well he would take the idea.

what about a message service? would something like that work?

i welcome any ideas or input. like i said, this is something i hadn't given much though to.

thanks.

so, the phone rings at 7:24 this morning. it's him and i pick up. (I know, don't get too down on me, the ending is good -- i stuck to my guns. keep reading...)

the basics of our conversation:

wh: let me in, i need the debit card. i can't get into my own house because i don't have the key.
me: whatever.

i let him in. he wants to go upstairs and cuddle with the baby. tries to smooze me, tell me he wanted to see my face, asked me if i slept, said that he hadn't either because he was in the cold truck all night, wondered aloud if the reason i hadn't slept was because he was an idiot, etc.

me: has anything changed since last night?
wh: come on, doesn't it mean something that i'm here? why do we have to talk about feelings? you always want to talk about everything.
me: i can't read your mind. i don't know what you're thinking. your actions tell me very little. ... so, has anything changed since last night? do you still intend to be in contact with her?
wh: no, nothing has changed.
me: so, nothing has changed and you came back so you could get money. is that it?
wh: why do you have to be so clinical?
me: i need to understand what's happening. did you talk to her yesterday?
wh: yes.

from here on out, the basics were that he spoke with her and told her a one sided story about what had happened yesterday (which wasn't an angry day at all, as far as our days go -- it was actually quite calm under the circumstances). again, i'm certain that he made me out to be the bad guy, which i'm not sure how that could be but i'm sure he made it happen. so basically, i said that if nothing had changed then he needed to leave. he said that if he left he was never coming back. NEVER. he stressed that. i followed him downstairs and he left. i went up to change the baby and 5 minutes later he was back for the thing he'd apparently come for in the first place: the debit card. he can only get $200 out a day and i figure that's a small price to pay if it will really get him to leave and pull himself together.

so, he leaves with the card, returns about 10 minutes later and throws it on the desk. i started to ask him if she had asked him to come to her last night, but he didn't give me the chance. i'm sure she did, i just wanted to hear his reasoning as to why. i KNOW he doesn't want a life with her. he doesn't want her family. he doesn't want to be a step-dad. he WANTS to me a real man and take care of his own family, but he doesn't believe in himself enough to do that. so he uses her as an escape hatch. sadly, he's put himself in a bit of a tight spot here...

well, as i was saying, i couldn't get a word in because he was rushing back out the door. he said something to the effect of, i'm never coming back here and i muttered an "okay" as i was putting the debit card back in my wallet. and he left. that was about 20 minutes ago.

and strangely, i feel good. i'm sad at the prospect that he might *actually* to go her now, but you know i really don't care. (Okay, i need to hang on to that feeling. LOL) the bottom line is, if she's a part of his life, i can't be. and i won't let him manipulate me into accepting anything less. he told me that a few weeks ago she asked him if they couldn't just go back to the way things used to be -- before i knew about them. how pitiful is that? she's willing to share him. i'm not.

That's not a very dark Plan B, Mrs. Pixie..........

What are you going to do the next time he needs something from the home?

i know. i hope that he sees how serious i am and leave town like he keeps threatening to do.

i'm still not sure what to do about the intermediary thing. i really do feel like we need one, but i'm sure it's something that he won't agree to. he's a control freak like that.

Do you have all of your financial security set up, so that if he DOES leave, you will be okay?

we have an lsa to which he agreed to continue to send the same amount of money per week that he usually does. i remain in control of all the bills, which is to my benefit to make sure they're paid, although i'm sure some here will feel differently. i have a source of income working from home, but it's not enough to survive on. if push comes to shove, my parents will help out, but they don't WANT to do that because it just enables his behavior and gives him a way out.

One thing that Mimi reminded me often was that this really wasn't a competition between me and the OW. People almost ALWAYS affair DOWN. If you could see the OW you would drop at how horribly ugly she is. However, she is still a child of G-d and someone who must hurt very deeply to be able to live with herself and what she has done.

This is TRULY a SPIRITUAL BATTLE between our WW's and G-d. The most important job we have is to step aside, let G-d have them and become the women that G-d has always envisioned for us.

oh, he did affair down, in every way. well, except her boobs. they're quite a bit larger than my own. i guess that's what she has to offer him. i send pics of the girls. she sends pics of her boobs. my retinas are still burning.

Pixie,

If you are in Plan B, you NEED an intermediary. I chose one who not only will stand up to my WH, but will make the judgement on whether I hear what WH has to say or not. My intermediary is there to protect me from WH's poison. If WH has tried to contact me through him, I have NO WAY of knowing and that's ok, it means it wasn't an emergency.

If you want your M back and you are in Plan B, there is NO contact whatsoever. The closet contact I have had with mine was when he showed up at my son's senior night and sat up in the top of the stands and I was on the same side of the field facing him, but NOT ONCE looked at him.

There is NO TALKING, NOTHING. In essence we stop meeting ANY OR ALL EN's that we might have been meeting which gave them the room to cake eat. The purpose of Plan B is to protect you from the drama of the A and to make the OW provide all the EN's. It's probably a good bet she doesn't even know what an EN is and after time won't be able to and life will become one big LB for them. But we don't get to control that.

All we CAN DO, is take care of ourselves, let G-d have our H, and stay DARK. VERY DARK and stop wondering what's going on over on that side of the street, but the HARD FACT REALITY, we simply don't know.

Even if we think we have this amazing conversation with the WH, they are in a fog and spewing junk, so dont' listen. I know, you want to so bad, but protect yourself. It's the best way to survive this and keep the love you have for your H.

Pixie,

Vets, please help me out here, but guessing what he sees in her is a DJ. You are assuming what he is thinking and you can't. You simply don't know and he is an addict and his thinking isn't so clear today.

what's a DJ? explain please? i'm a little foggy myself. LOL

It's a disrespectful judgement.

She is meeting some EN's and it would be good to figure out what they are, so that YOU can meet them.

But then again, I think it is time for Plan B.

You are right Believer.

okay. i guess i still don't understand what you're trying to say. "what he sees in her is a disrepectful judgement." what do you mean?