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Disrespectful Judgments


When requests don't get you what you want, and demands don't work either, our instincts and habits often provide us with another stupid and abusive strategy -- disrespectful judgments. Without a doubt, demands are abusive, but disrespectful judgments often make demands seem merciful in comparison.

In the final analysis, disrespectful judgments represent an effort to force our spouses to give us what we want in marriage, but it's often cleverly disguised. Instead of making an outright demand, we present our problem as if it were really our spouse's personal shortcoming. We try to "straighten out" our spouse in an effort to get our way.

At the time we rationalize our disrespect by convincing ourselves that we're doing our spouses a big favor, to lift them from the darkness of their confusion into the light of our superior perspective. If they would only follow our advice, we tell ourselves, they could avoid many of life's pitfalls-and we would also get what we want.

A disrespectful judgment occurs whenever one spouse tries to impose a system of values and beliefs on the other. When a husband tries to force his point of view on his wife, he's just asking for trouble. When a wife assumes that her own views are right and her husband is woefully misguided -- and tells him so -- she enters a minefield.

In most cases, a disrespectful judgment is simply a sophisticated way of getting what one spouse wants from the other. But even when there are the purest motives, it's still a stupid and abusive strategy. It's stupid because it doesn't work, and it's abusive because it causes unhappiness. If we think we have the right -- even the responsibility -- to impose our view on our spouses, our efforts will almost invariably be interpreted as personally threatening, arrogant, rude, and incredibly disrespectful. That's when we make sizable withdrawals from the Love Bank.

How can you know if you're a perpetrator of disrespectful judgments? The simplest way to find out is to ask your spouse. But you may be a little confused as to what exactly you should ask. To help you ask the right questions, I've provided you the Disrespectful Judgments Questionnaire:
You can find this on the website at basic concepts.


BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
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Originally Posted by believer
She is meeting some EN's and it would be good to figure out what they are, so that YOU can meet them.

But then again, I think it is time for Plan B.

i have been meeting his needs. i guess it wouldn't hurt to try and figure out what she's been doing though. a couple of weeks ago, when last he agreed to nc, i asked him what i needed to do for him and he himmed and hawed and finally admitted that there was nothing. that i was doing everything. or maybe that i was doing everything he would LET me? hmmm...

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That's why what Believer said in finding out what needs OW is meeting would go along way, then you can meet those needs as best as possible up and until Plan B.

But after Plan B you meet NO NEEDS....


BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
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okay, so i'm guilty of the DJ. yes, i can see that. i guess i don't see how, in this scenario, to avoid that. infidelity is wrong and i don't see why i shouldn't tell him that.

help me out here. i'm feeling lost today. i'm sorry.


FS: Me, 31 WS: Dh, 36 DD's: 6, 4 weeks D-Day: 11/16/07 Plan A: 1/13/07 Recovery: 3/10/08 My Original Thread God's timing is perfect. He is never late. --Joyce Meyer Battlefield of the Mind
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Believer, please correct me if I am wrong here.

DON'T LISTEN TO WHAT HE SAYS, WATCH HIS ACTIONS.

He is an ADDICT, bent on nothing better getting that next FIX. He will LIE as much as he needs to.

And then on top of that he is living in a FOG and speaks a language that is selfish, and down right hurtful.

Watch his actions, read up on EN's and ask the vets here on guidance.

Even after my WH moved out, once Mimi took me under her wings and helped me begin my Plan A, I started seeing how and when I was not only dealing with either my H or WH, but how and when what I was doing was affecting him.



BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 6,643
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Have you seen this?

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A


The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.
Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.
Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.
Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.
Stop lovebusting behaviors.
Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.
Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.
Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.
Offering forgiveness and understanding.

The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.
Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.
Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.
Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.
Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.
Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.
Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

I wasn't implying that saying the affair was wrong was the DJ, just the part about her having bigger B and that's why he was in the A. You DON'T know what he is thinking.... Besides you have to question even if he is thinking. smile


BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
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okay, i'm walking out the door now for some fresh air, so i'll read again when i get back, but i guess what i wanted to clarify was this... you suspected that I was engaging in DJ. Why did you think that? From what did you infer that that's what I was doing? I'm trying to understand this. I get what you're saying and wh says often to me "you can't tell me how to feel" so right there i see that you're right. i'm just wondering how YOU came to that conlusion. know what i mean?


FS: Me, 31 WS: Dh, 36 DD's: 6, 4 weeks D-Day: 11/16/07 Plan A: 1/13/07 Recovery: 3/10/08 My Original Thread God's timing is perfect. He is never late. --Joyce Meyer Battlefield of the Mind
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Pixie,

Concerning the intermediary..it is an absolute MUST. I cannot say WHO it should be, but I can tell you that he doesn't have to sign off on it at all. He doesn't get to have a say. You are in control of your life now...he is gone to you...PERIOD! (Mimi actually says she had to think of her H as dead to her)

You can set your email up to forward his communication to your intermediary if he makes a stink. You said he cannot physically take the baby from you because she is nursing--when/how will he see her? I would strongly suggest you take his name OFF of all of your accounts...TOMORROW. Change the locks on your house, although you said he doesn't have a key...

You should also change your home phone number (and your cell if you have one) and provide him only with the phone number of the intermediary.

I may be totally off base here, but I feel like you are still thinking (maybe b/c of last time) that you won't be in Plan B long enough to need to do these things. But, remember that once Plan B is implemented, he does not get to come back until NC can be PROVEN and he has agreed to the MB method of recovery. Hat in hand, willing to do whatever it takes. Anything less is manipulation. When he is really ready, you will know.

Make a list today of all of the ways he can contact you, all of the things you would do if he were gone forever (such as take his name off the accounts). Find an intermediary, print off the Plan B explanation and give it to them. Tell them you are only to know the bare essentials...example...

An email from hubby to intermediary for you:

"This is ridiculous. Why should I have to email some stranger. I am not going to put up with this [censored]. You tell that Pixie that I want my favorite chair! Tell her I am going to be by to pick it up tomorrow and I really don't care if she likes or not, etc..."

Intermediary sends him this:

"What exact time are you going to come by the house to pick up the chair."

He responds with a time...

She passes on to you "Hubby is coming by tomorrow at *time* to pick up his favorite chair."

That's it! None of the other crap should you hear. And she will secure a time so that you know exactly when NOT to be at the house. I would also set up someone to be there while he picks it up so that he doesn't take anything else, and so they can call you when he is gone.

THAT is how dark you need to be. Your email/phone intermediary doesn't even have to be someone who lives by you. Someone (female) from here could do it. The only other person you would have to enlist is someone who will be at the home when he visits the children or whatever (family).

PS--Folks, she has given him the PBL and he has left. That's why I am focused on Plan B!



Last edited by Resonance; 05/04/08 11:40 AM.

Peace,
LaLa

FWW(me) 37
BS 38
DS 9 & 5
PA 7/06-8/06
Dday 2/17/07

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The only part was when you made the comment about her physical stature and that's why he chose her.

How I came to that conclusion was doing it myself all the time and Mimi patiently telling me so. It's me learning new behavior so that when/if H comes home I will have already been working on this.

Just one more thing in a long line of changes I am making in ME.

I am bound and determined to become a Psalm 31 woman as G-d envisions for me. I want to be in a relationship not because I need it, but because I love to be in one, however, I am going to learn the MB principles and practice them in any relationship I have because I will NOT go through this again.


Last edited by QueeniesNewLife; 05/04/08 11:40 AM.

BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
Joined: Jan 2008
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Originally Posted by QueeniesNewLife
The only part was when you made the comment about her physical stature and that's why he chose her.

i don't assume that's why he chose her. it just happens to be a funny (to me) way of comparing what she has to offer him vs. what I do. which i guess is unfair in it's own right. i'm sure she offers him much more than that, but her boobs have been a sore point here since i've seen them more times than i care to admit.

i know this is something i need to work on, so i'm not minimizing that you pointed it out, i just wanted to know how you came to that conclusion. i guess the point that i'm at is how do i convey to him MY beliefs of right vs. wrong without "telling him how to feel" which i don't think i do. moreover, i tell him how his behavior makes ME feel and why. big difference, i think.


FS: Me, 31 WS: Dh, 36 DD's: 6, 4 weeks D-Day: 11/16/07 Plan A: 1/13/07 Recovery: 3/10/08 My Original Thread God's timing is perfect. He is never late. --Joyce Meyer Battlefield of the Mind
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Are you reading callmecleo's thread? Mr G gave a good post about how to talk about the affair with no DJ's.

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LaLa, i'm digesting what you're saying. you're right, i guess i was prepared to go as dark as i probably need to. i guess in reality, i'm scared of the repercussions of doing what you suggest. he doesn't fight fair.

but, i can't live in fear. i'm off to my parent's for the afternoon so i'll talk with my family and get this plan set in motion.

thanks for your input and patience.


FS: Me, 31 WS: Dh, 36 DD's: 6, 4 weeks D-Day: 11/16/07 Plan A: 1/13/07 Recovery: 3/10/08 My Original Thread God's timing is perfect. He is never late. --Joyce Meyer Battlefield of the Mind
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Originally Posted by believer
Are you reading callmecleo's thread? Mr G gave a good post about how to talk about the affair with no DJ's.

i'll check it out, thanks.


FS: Me, 31 WS: Dh, 36 DD's: 6, 4 weeks D-Day: 11/16/07 Plan A: 1/13/07 Recovery: 3/10/08 My Original Thread God's timing is perfect. He is never late. --Joyce Meyer Battlefield of the Mind
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Well, you should be protected completely from the repercussions...that is the point. He doesn't get to call the shots any more, and the more you bend to his will, the longer you will be dragged through this misery. So, you remove his will totally. You should be shielded from him and anything he may say or do. Think of yourself in a protective bubble and then put into place safeguards for any attempts he may make to break that bubble...

"He doesn't fight fair?" Well, there is nothing left to fight about...you take away his power when you take away his ability to reach you in any way.

This does take some planning...it's why I said what I did in my first post to you yesterday. If the safeguards are not in place, then Plan B really cannot be implemented correctly, yanno? And I am not trying to "pick" on you, here...just trying to help you understand what Plan B is about: removing yourself from his drama...TOTALLY; healing yourself to the point where you love yourself again, and where his perception of you is not what defines you...because his perception is severely warped; protecting what love you have left for him should he come crawling back ready to commit completely. The farther you remove yourself, the clearer this will all become.

It's not too late to fix things up and do a proper Plan B. You have endured his vacillating back and forth between you and his HO long enough...it's time for you to take charge and shut the lights out!!



Last edited by Resonance; 05/04/08 01:58 PM. Reason: can't spell

Peace,
LaLa

FWW(me) 37
BS 38
DS 9 & 5
PA 7/06-8/06
Dday 2/17/07

Fogapalooza-My Babbly Beginning
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Originally Posted by Resonance
You can set your email up to forward his communication to your intermediary if he makes a stink. You said he cannot physically take the baby from you because she is nursing--when/how will he see her? I would strongly suggest you take his name OFF of all of your accounts...TOMORROW. Change the locks on your house, although you said he doesn't have a key...

he doesn't do email.

he would see the baby at some sort of in home visitation. obviously, under the circumstances, i would not be present.

i can't take his name off the bank acct without his written consent. (i had taken it off before, but we put him back on recently due to tax returns and his enemployment checks being direct deposited. but what i can do is open a new acct and transfer any money over. that would be easiest.

i changed the locks in november. he doesn't have a key.

Quote
You should also change your home phone number (and your cell if you have one) and provide him only with the phone number of the intermediary.
still struggling with this one. it just seems so...dirty. i know, obviously my heart's not in this. i'm a fair fighter by nature. lol

Quote
I may be totally off base here, but I feel like you are still thinking (maybe b/c of last time) that you won't be in Plan B long enough to need to do these things. But, remember that once Plan B is implemented, he does not get to come back until NC can be PROVEN and he has agreed to the MB method of recovery. Hat in hand, willing to do whatever it takes. Anything less is manipulation. When he is really ready, you will know.
yes, yes and yes.

Quote
Your email/phone intermediary doesn't even have to be someone who lives by you. Someone (female) from here could do it.
i talked to my mom about the intermediary thing. i think we both agree that someone within the family (even my extended family) would not be a good idea. she suggested that i pursue the idea of finding someone to help with that. if i were to search out someone here, which would be important in my opinion, so we could be sure they understand, how would I go about that? enlisting someone, i mean?

thanks for your help. i appreciate it more than you know.


FS: Me, 31 WS: Dh, 36 DD's: 6, 4 weeks D-Day: 11/16/07 Plan A: 1/13/07 Recovery: 3/10/08 My Original Thread God's timing is perfect. He is never late. --Joyce Meyer Battlefield of the Mind
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bumping for advice about an intermediary. i'm still rather in a quandry about how to locate someone to do this unsavory task.

i really need to get this REAL plan b in motion. i just spoke to him (i know, i know). he's changed the password on his cell phone acct so I'll no longer be able to see his phone bills.

he's in her area, it looks like he's trying to find a job near her again. says he'll be home on wednesday for his dentist appt and older dd's graduation on friday. how do i avoid contact with him at graduation?

i've got a call into my atty. i'd like to discuss my plan with him.


FS: Me, 31 WS: Dh, 36 DD's: 6, 4 weeks D-Day: 11/16/07 Plan A: 1/13/07 Recovery: 3/10/08 My Original Thread God's timing is perfect. He is never late. --Joyce Meyer Battlefield of the Mind
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A friend, pastor, lawyer, family member?

Someone who is strong enough to stand up against WH from contacting you?


BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
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okay, so i spoke to my atty. he recommended that i not change any phone numbers and that i be available to WH in regard to visitation and other issues regarding the children.

I then spoke to my mom and she pointed out that the problem is that we have a LSA and that we've already filed for divorce. I guess I didn't think about it that way; because the courts are involved, he has certain rights. So the question is, what if I stop the divorce proceedings? It seems like a good answer as it would take the courts out of the equation. On the chance that he would turn around and file for divorce, would that put me at a disadvantage? What if he were to file where she lives (a different state)?

Any input would be appreciated.

Do you think it would be helpful to call the Harley's or not?


FS: Me, 31 WS: Dh, 36 DD's: 6, 4 weeks D-Day: 11/16/07 Plan A: 1/13/07 Recovery: 3/10/08 My Original Thread God's timing is perfect. He is never late. --Joyce Meyer Battlefield of the Mind
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Whew...lotsa questions!

OK, first of all, your L is correct in saying that you must be available to him for things regarding the children. Which you will be--through someone else. Whomever is your intermediary should be able to contact you immediately and he should always be able to reach her as well...just as he would you. Just because you have an intermediary does not mean you are "keeping him from the children" or whatever. Make sure from now on, you tell your L that a licensed psychologist has advised you not to speak to him directly to prevent him from causing you psychological harm, as he is currently out of the home and pursuing an audulteress life with his affair partner.

For this reason, I STRONGLY advise that you call Steve. He may even be able to write a letter that shows you have counseled with him and that "Plan B" (which will obviously be explained...I doubt he would use the words "Plan B") is in your best interest. If you can show your L and the court that you indeed needed to protect yourself from his ONGOING ABUSE, they should not be able to use it against you in the D.

I wouldn't stop D proceedings, but that's just IMO...because YOU filed, you have more control of the speed at which it travels through the system.

Do not change any phone numbers, but do not answer his calls...can you do this? Would you be able to let it go to VM and then have your intermediary listen to the VM and pass on only the important points about the children, visitation, etc? Really, if there is an LSA and visitation is already arranged--what reason would he need to contact you unless it's an emergency? The fact that he will be doing visitation from your home is a tough one. Make sure you aren't there when he is, but be sure someone else is...

I hope this helps...and I hope some Plan B experts will be along soon to help you out. I would offer to be your intermediary, but I have never done it, nor have I Planned B'd someone (obviously), so I feel totally "unqualified!"


Peace,
LaLa

FWW(me) 37
BS 38
DS 9 & 5
PA 7/06-8/06
Dday 2/17/07

Fogapalooza-My Babbly Beginning
My Story
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Call the Harleys. They can give you a plan quickly. LOL, I wanted to save money, and ended up losing about $200,000. during the whole deal.

My ex and I DID go to regular marriage counseling, where he lied to the counselor and continued the affair. And the STUPID counselor never confronted him, even though I maintained that there was an affair.

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