This recovery thing sure is difficult. Just when you think things are going to be ok.....triggers, uncomfortable feelings creep in.

I've felt for a few weeks something isn't quite right...just off, H is nice but just feels off. I started wondering is he back to EA? or worse? I had serious thoughts of contacting him as OW thru the net to see if he would take the bait. Had convinced myself I could do it without him finding out it was me. I was really working myself up. I read another post by FH and it made me really think that would NOT be a good way to handle this as much as I wanted to.

Things came to a head last night. After starting a conversation with apparent LBers, AO's & DJ's we calmed down and just talked. He is having a very hard time talking to me about things that bother him. I'm hoping that's what has caused the uneasy feelings for me. I feel like he'd rather I felt like I'm doing something wrong then tell me something is bothering him. Unfortunately I don't believe everything he tells me. When I look in his eyes I don't see honesty, when he talks he's generalistic (is that a word?) not specific. I called him on that got some specifics. I still feel like he's avoiding. The night ended better than started but I still feel like there's still something not quite right.

Ten steps forward, 8 steps back. Recovery NOT for the faint hearted...FOR SURE!

Well mvg here we are again (play twilight zone music). Did you happen to read my thread about Friday night? Whew things were pretty UGLY at my house.

Hope you are feeling better now

geeezzzz is it in the air????

I don't know how I feel other than confused. I'm scared to trust my feelings and him. It feels alot like he's babbling. Gives reasons for situation that are complete opposites and I don't understand. I don't know if he realizes he's doing it or jsut trying to confuse me. Pretty crappy huh?! Just trying to see where we are headed now.

I just read your Friday night happenings...how are YOU now?

It sucks doesn't it? Have you talked to him about it and told him that it confuses you?

I am not sure how i am anymore. After our big blow up on Friday things seem even worse. I know that i said some horrible things to him (all of which were true but the way i said them was not good).

It just scares me sometimes that i will never get over this betrayal. And it also bothers me that i sometimes think i expect more than my H can give.

Hopefully we will get through this mvg. Try to have a good day!

I'm sorry things are not well for you. Did you apologize for the way you said them? I did...don't know IF it mattered much but I felt better to do it.


I'm getting better in accepting it happened, EVEN I can see how it happened (not that it was right). I'm having the difficulty in TRUST that he'll put all that we've worked with (communication, open & honest, transparency)to use. SO easy to fall back into day to day living without the WORK.


What are you expecting?

I hope we'll get thru this too SC.

Wishing you a good day too.

I did apologize for "how i said" the things i said but not "that i said them" because they were all true. But some of the things he said back to me (and i know we were both angry) just hurt me so much and now he is holding things i said against me.

I can see HOW it happened too, i just can not get over THAT it happened. I know many BSs have said this but i thought our M was pretty good, i mean we all have issues in our Ms, h@ll in life in general, but i did not think things were bad at all.

And what i expect from him is to treat me better than before the A. For example my H is not a good listener, he hears but does not listen to me and has not for a long time. I can tell him things about our children or something that is happening and he acts like he hears me and even responds, yet a couple of days later he asks me the same thing again about what is happening with one of our kids or whatever. I will tell him again and then in a couple more days he will ask again. It gets disheartening sometimes because he told me all about everything the OW told him. He listened to her EVERY word and can still tell me things they talked about after over a year. He can't tell me what i told him yesterday.

And i also feel like you feel about falling back into the same old patterns that got us here in the first place.

I don't know mvg i just don't know. I wish i could just feel better about what i do have instead of wishing for more.

Scarey isn't it?

SC am I remembering correctly you've been M for a long time?

I keep wondering for us, being M 30 yrs, am I expecting too much or being unrealistic? This is the first time in our M lives since children we've been alone again. The time we've dreamed and waited for, for so long. And nothing exciting about it. No dreams, no planning just rocking along day by day. Not that it's BAD rather feels like just surviving not living.

I've tried day dreaming with H...threw out all kinds of I'd like us to's....then asked what would you like to do. He couldn't come up with one thing. NOT one. It's been awhile maybe I should try again.

Just my ramblings for today...rocking along

My gut tells me something is not right. Monday there was a somewhat heated discussion regarding mostly sex...MY bad! It appeared he was understanding and trying to mend fences, open up, etc. Now I wonder if it was appeasement/avoidance.

Tuesday comes home says he's not feeling well. Thinks his bloodpressue is high.

Wedneday comes home says his back is killing him can't hardly walk. (He does have chronic back pain.)

I'm wondering what the ailment of the day will be today.

I'm horrible aren't I? I'm confused. I'm unsure as to HOW to get us back on track. I WANT OFF THIS DA$N rollercoaster.

Sorry things are going downhill again. Posted on my thread. Hope you get things back on track soon.

Lots of love coming your way.....

No troubling ailment yesterday, thankfully. H came home in a good mood, laughing, joking, carried on conversations. I don't know WHAT happened to improve his outlook SO much.

I enjoyed 'the moment' but wonder WHAT did happen? After an A does the BS EVER get to a point you're NOT analyzing EVERYTHING?

mvg hope things are better on the home front for you.

How is your DD BTW?

Hey Friend! How are things with you?

Home front...muddling along. Just (trying)taking it 1 day at a time.

DD is doing well! I think she's gaining some self confidence on living alone with GD. She's getting some support from friends in addition to family. GD not doing quite so well. Asks lots of questions of why dad wont come see her or call her. Heartbreaking! I KNEW it wasn't a good idea for her to think he was her dad.

Nothing has really changed here. I poted over on recovery that i have pretty much been crying ever since i read your response to me the other day.

I KNOW it is not a good plan but i am disengaging as much as possible from my H and he is from me as well, i just think this is something i can not get over.

Our weekend was much better, pleasurable even. I don't know if my blowup Monday got things going in the right direction or what.

I did do the whole snooping internet, cellphones, etc. I didn't find any evidence of OW. So I pray this was in fact just a lackadasical (sp?) attitude and we're back on track. Time will tell.

Maybe your rocking the boat helped some. And i do wonder like you said a few posts ago that once we have experienced an A if we LOOK for things that aren't really there just because of the A.

I am just glad that things are looking up for the moment for you. Hopefully they will stay that way!!!

Thanks!

Just wanted to drop by and see how you were doing and to wish you a belated Happy Mother's Day.

I hope the day was wonderful for you!!!

Hi SC! I hope you had a great Mother's Day.

Mine was quiet. We had seen ODD Saturday, YDD was not feeling well so didn't see her.

Things are rocking along here, what about with you?

I may not be around so much for awhile.

We've had a MAJOR family issue and now my YDD,GS and twin GD,GS are living with us. There have been threats made on her life, she has been assaulted, my GS (3 yrs old) was assaulted.

She does not know about her dads EA and I don't want her to so I don't really have much private time on the computer. I will check and post as possible probably from work. Not that I'm much of a valuable resource but I do feel an obligation to MB to help where and if I can.

Please everyone keep my family in their prayers, and that the judical system will use common sense.

Thank you all so MUCH.

mvg,

So sorry to hear about this turn of events. Is this the same guy that left your daughter not long ago, or is this something new? What happened? Did she press charges? How is your GS?

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

(((((((mvg)))))))