I don't think wondering about what a WS is up to is necessarily a bad thing. I mean, we wonder about what people we know are up to don't we?

And as far as talking about a WS, well, he or she will inevitably come up in conversation, especially if you have kids.

What I think is telling is the reaction to seeing or talking about a WS.

I knew that I was getting better some months ago when I found a birthday present that OW had sent to me through WS. I didn't trigger at all.

I've noticed that when I see a car that looks like it could be ours, I don't trigger.

And when the car broke down after class the other day and I started making phone calls, it never even crossed my mind about calling him for help. I didn't think about him at all!

I think that when you can talk about your WS in a normal manner without becoming emotionally upset, then you know you are healing.

My biggest test will be on Tuesday when we go to court. I am planning on not even acknowledging that Mr. Gray even exists. I know he will be doing his level best to get to me and he will be a total jerk. But it's not going to work.

schoolbus posted on my thread about body language and I am mulling that one over but I think I may end up going with my first thought, just to ignore him. And her. I know she'll be there. I AM in Plan B, so this is the correct thing, yes?

The thing I won't like is when he has to get his stuff. I intend to have it all in one room so he does not have to wander around MY house. Especially in MY bedroom. It's mine now and that doesn't bother me at all. There's no snoring, no drooling, and no snot rags all over the place on the other side of the bed. Just a possum family underneath the house that wakes me up
sometimes.

Sorry I got off track a bit in this post. It happens!!

Ahhhh.....no snoring. Plan B is nice in the dark sometimes, isn't it??? I actually have uninterrupted sleep now. In MY bed....

Thanks Mimi for your advice about the tyres.
I might ask my intermediary to ask WH to pay me my monthly maintenance that we agreed to so that I can buy the tyres..he hasn't given me money for 2 months now....cos I'm stallng the D!!

Its become a psychological battle now!!
How do you suggest I let WH know not to pass messages via my kids?Why is this a bad thing?

Please tell me how long it takes to get there!

I have been in plan B for 3.5 months, going to plan D because of the kids and finances. I think of plan B as mourning the death of my H. Still trigger often, expect him to be in the house, kneejerk reaction to call him when something good or bad happens... etc. Very similar to losing a loved one.

It is very hard to plan B with kids, name comes up often. Kids like to tell me what they did etc. Had to beg him (thru IM) not to come to piano recital. How do people deal with big kid events?

I recently wrote a long letter to my inlaws explaining what i was doing and why. When I looked at my false recovery I realized how much I put up with. I was traumatized repeatedly...I put up with serious emotional abuse. Plan B is for me to recover from this trauma.

I've been in a dark plan B for 3 and 1/2 years!!!!!!!!!

too long for any good to come of it.

Why do people spell tires with a "y"???

KAG,

To be honest, I'm not sure you ever get there totally. D leaves scars that last forever, especially in long term M's like mine. If you have children, I don't think we ever get over it.

But, it does lessen with time. I've been in Plan B 9 months, and it still hurts. I just find that after some time goes by, you don't want to hurt anymore so the less you see or hear about them the better you are. You actually WANT to avoid them or any info about them.

Takes time my dear....

Yeah, I hear you....long term marriage with kids.

I was thinking here I am again in a excrutiatingly painful situation wondering what happened? It took a long time to get over the birth of my son with special needs, you mourn the 'normal child' you thought you were getting. Of course now I love him to bits. Now I mourn the loss of a husband. I suppose I will get to the other side of it someday.

It sure would be easier if my husband didn't show up in the form of WH all too often.(picking/dropping kids)

I guess I have to believe what Mother Theresa said "G=d doesn't give you more than you can handle" Well G-d must think I am really strong. I certainly don't feel that way.

Kag,

I actually had the same thought because all this was so much more than I could handle.

I think that maybe G-d does give us more than WE can handle, but as long as we are walking with G-d and seeking him out, then it's not too much for us, b/c G-d is there helping us.

(((KAG))))

I hope your WH at least helps you with your special needs child. Being a single parent is hard enough with those that don't need that type of care.

Is A still ongoing??? Are you pretty dark in your PlanB??

lexy,in S.A. we follow the U.K way of spelling!Hence tyres..LOL
Kag,has your WH got his papers yet?
Hang in there

Thanks Queenie,

I need to remember to ask for help more often. I always think *I* am the one in control

As far as I know A is still going(trying not to snoop or ask questions or drive by etc.) His apt is a mile from me

Pretty dark, he was served papers at work by a sheriff. So now the attorney is another layer between him and me. Actually the D will make darkness easier. When everything is laid out finances, visitation there is less reason to communicate.

I am surprised at how emotional I am after serving him, thought it would be more of a relief like when were seperated. But now if feels like we are REALLY done. Oh good, that is him calling the boys now on their cell, even that sound triggers me.

G-d please give me strength.

Yesterday and he continues on like nothing happened. Now I KNOW he would react that way but it still seems incredulous to me. No reaction at ending a 20 year marriage????? Who is this person?

Well I can beat that - try no biggie to a 34 year marriage. Makes you wonder who you married doesn't it?

Mine told me he threw up all day the next day after he was served. Is it true? I have no idea. Maybe it was the thought of all the money sprouting wings and flying away because he had to hire and attorney?

Who knows? Maybe he really did because he thought he had it made in the shade and I pulled the rug out from under him.

Well, I'm going to have to return the kudos I received here because I have to break Plan B because of the judges orders. There's just no way around it. I can't very well walk around like Tommy on the soundtrack album cover: shades, earplugs and a pinball gag! LOL!!

I didn't forget about this, I just had to think about it for a while.

It's not so much that Jennifer approved a dark plan, it's that the way we set it up was not pitch black. My kids were aged 7 and 3 at the time, with 50% custody and plenty of exchanges, and Jennifer basically told me from the outset that it wasn't realistic to think I could do it with no communication at all, so we established email as the way to communicate. Jennifer mentioned an intermediary as something I might think about, but that was only if the content of the emails became venomous.

There were a few venomous emails at the beginning, and so I used an intermediary for a period of several months, but the venom was short-lived, and my intermediary was forwarding me whole emails, and eventually we just dropped it. The SCQ (my WW) is very businesslike with the emails now. And the whole plan B, really.

At the beginning, there were a few signs that Plan B bothered the SCQ, but most of them were because it was inconvenient and seemed silly. Now she respects it. If it bothers her anymore, I certainly can't tell. If any part of her misses me, it's been compartmentalized and buried along with her morals and sense of right and wrong.

Jennifer is the one who has constantly reminded me that from time to time I should tell the SCQ that this (divorce) isn't what I want, that it doesn't have to be this way, we can put the past behind us and rebuild our family, etc. Right now she wants me to be sending a card with those sentiments about once a month. Doesn't seem like plan B, but at the same time she got on me a little bit once because I sent a gift I made along with the card, and sending the gift was meeting an emotional need. Cards, yes. Gifts, no.

It's why I hesitate to give advice to anyone.

Plan B is about staying sane while you wait for the affair to die. At least for me. I've talked with Jennifer about how passive and stubborn the SCQ is and how she is almost certainly the follower in this affair dynamic, and Jennifer has told me that "if the SCQ comes back, it won't be because of anything you do." I agree with this. It will be because the OM has either massively screwed up (minor screwups haven't affected him yet) or he dumps the SCQ.

I hope that made some sense.

Plan B is working.

I don't quite understand that but someone very, very wise can attest.

What I DO know is that DARK is HARD! But, best for me and maybe even my marriage. And once the difficulty passes, it is GOOD STUFF.

It's working. On guard!

And WHY NOT??? LOL...OK, sans the PINBALL GAG...SHADES and IPOD will do..and don't forget the short shorts...

LOL, mimi!! And why not? I always have the dang mp3 player with me everywhere I go anyway! Not that HE would know that! LOL!!

(And yes, most definitely short-shorts!!!! ;))