That's the scary part for me. We were at a point in our life where we were the happiest we had ever been.

We had been to counseling, working on issues, building a new relationship. The only timing thing for me was my last son had his bar mitzvah, my daughter was getting ready to graduate college and financially we were struggling the worst we ever had.

That's why this blindsided me so bad.

Thanks SL. You have been through so much. I just have the world of admiration for your grace, understanding and caring for other people. You are a remarkable person who I know will be blessed one day, just like everyone tells me.

OH and SL,

I am always so grateful for the time that you take with me to explain, offer suggestions or just hold my hand..

ANYTIME GODDESS

Well, I hooked up with BF this afternoon. Actually we had a wonderful conversation.

I told him about Plan B, that regardless of what it looked like I was fighting for my M. I told him that his message seemed cryptic to me and he explained. He said that WH lives on the surface and that for a man dealing with what is happening in his life, BF can't imagine it.

We both agreed, WH is NOT LIVING IN REALITY AT ALL. He went one step further and said CLASSIC MIDLIFE CRISIS. It doesn't change anything in reality, BUT...

He knew my H, he knew how much family and our life was to H and so he understands how crazy this is. I don't feel like I am
fighting the absolute world of S and WH all alone. I don't know if that makes sense, but he validated a lot for me. And he understands that I am fighting for my M and supports it. People in my life today only know the man struggling and so there wasn't anyone to support the "real life" or whatever.

That felt nice.

My OS's oral boards were yesterday and he passed. YAHOO... Graduation is not far off. I bribed my boys, but we are all going to singing services tonight and that's neat.

Oh, I had written a wish list last year to be opened today.
Relationship with G-d - got it
A new home - got it
Good relationship with my children - got it
Lost lots of weight - got it
Spirituality - got it
Financially responsible - not yet
Living with my H as man and wife - not yet
One other relationship thing w/ husband - not yet
Exercising regulary - better than before, need improvement.

What a blessed year I have had wouldn't you say. I have almost everything I asked for....

Sounds WONDERFUL..I'm happy for you that you got that validation. I know that it means a lot.

Congratulations, too, on meeting those LIFE GOALS!

Upward and Onward, Queenie!

You continue to MAKE ME SMILE...

Thank you Miss Mimi,

And now I get to figure out some more. It's sunny today, and our pool is open so I am planning on relaxation at the pool, praying and writing for goals that G-d wants me to work for.

Last year those were MY goals, this year G-d get HIS goals. Or at least has me work on them.

Last night I took my boys to a potluck/musical Shabbat Service at my temple. There were a few people there who didn't know what had happened and that was a little awkward, but when they asked how WH was, I just flat out told them.

Three of my close friends came in right before service, it was a nice, but the strain of our lost friendship is there for ME and it's sad. I choose to not give them what they want and they choose to not understand what I am doing or support it.

All those years ago, WH pressured me to give them all up. I did for a few years, but then I realized that even that didn't make him happy so I connected back up with them. How ironic I've lost both. One by my choice and NOT. I could certainly feel sorry for myself, but the truth is, G-d wants people in my life who will let me walk this journey HIS way and not conform me to what they THINK I should be doing. And that's the true gift from G-d.

The BLESSING OF ALL, was that my boys were with me, each sitting on one side and both of who hate to sing, were singing the prayers and songs. I couldn't stop feeling proud of both my H and me because life isn't what I hope for today, but my children have a sense of their Judaism and that was VERY IMPORTANT to us as we raised them. They are comfortable in temple and have learned about being a Jew, from the prayers, to participating in the holidays, to Tikkun Olam - repairing the world by giving back of their time through coaching. I hope that was pleasing to G-d last night.

How are you Mimi?

I just promised Brown I would pick up my sewing machine and quilt. I'M SCARED... BEYOND BELIEF....

But if I can overcome this, maybe it will help her a little.

EXACTLY!!!

What have you been waiting for????

Now Mimi, you don't want me to start my SELF-PITY?

I just gave into my FEARS.

I have the table out, the quilt on it, the thread in front of me.

I'm still SCARED Brown, but for YOU I am doing THIS.....

WONDERFUL! WONDERFUL!

STANDING OVATION!! ROUND OF APPLAUSE!!

Good job, Queenie! I LOVE quilts. I have one from my sons' dad's family that his mom made out of their old clothes. It is very special to me.

I'm busy this weekend, but only doing laundry, cleaning, shopping and cooking.

Ok, bobbin was giving me a few fits so was the machine itself, but I'm still going.

Hi Queenie,

Yes, let's talk. My friend and her daughter were in town, but they left today so I'm trying to stay busy alone. I've planted some flowers on the deck, and have been working on cleaning the condo. Trying to decide about dinner - cook or go out? Since I don't have much food in the house, I'll probably go get something and bring it back.

I'll be around, so give me a call at your convenience.

Have a wonderful Memorial Day.....

Well I did it. I sewed for a little while this afternoon. I just didn't enjoy it at all, but I did it.

I'm heading in to take a shower and then walk to my meeting a couple of miles to get this stinkin thinkin out of my head. It's about to bring me down and I'm shakin Mimi....

I didn't want to mention it, but WH withheld the money again on Friday. So, I am going to call the A on Tuesday and ask him to garnish WH. I just don't think it's fair that I have to fight each week or be involved in his games while he enjoys his life.

I'm trying to raise his children and they eat and like to go places. OS's elite lax team started up again this weekend and I don't have the gas money to send him.

Oh I know how Brown feels, I really do. I remember that time as if it were yesterday. So many of you, how I admire your strength to find a new life and not just build it, but enjoy. I'm not there today. But one day.

Chai, I'll give you a call later on. I need to get out of here, the walls are suffocating me.

You are also doing WONDERFULLY !!

Queenie - thank you so so so much for finding the courage to do this. You just made my day!
I have been feeling quite rubbish recently, unwanted and not being able to a difference in anyone's life. I am glad you tried, please don't give up. I'll b praying for u. Three cheers for Queenie!

Good idea, Queenie, get out and go for a walk.

To tell you the truth, when I first started forcing myself to do things, I didn't enjoy doing them. That comes with more time doing them.

Hi Mimi, I hope you are having a good day. Are you making anything special for your family?

B, I'm so glad you said that, I guess it's just act as if.... old routine.

I'm was going to get out for a walk, but my friend called and she is coming to get me to go plant some seeds in a friends garden. It will get me out of myself.

My boys are a little grouchy, so I will leave them alone and not bother them.

I got the quilt all quilted, just cut off the extra stuff. While at Wally World I am going to get me needles so I can begin sewing the binding on. I might even have it ready for my SIL to take home and save for Christmas for one nephew. Almost 1 done and 3 to go.

Brown, no cheers for me. What I'm trying to help you see, I have my AWFUL days even STILL to this day. In fact earlier this morning I was a MESS, and I wanted to post, but instead I posted to you b/c it's important to me for you to know that even though THIS TIME is AWFUL, I don't have what I WANT, well there is NO M, and some days I just don't want to live anymore, I don't GIVE UP.

I have come to TRUST G-d enough to know that it is just more time needed and one day, I don't know when it will be ok. We have our up and down days and they are still TERRIBLE. But life will go on and at some point WE ARE THE ONE who has to seek G-d and say Heinini - HERE I AM, and he will help us.

I wish it were easier than that, but it's not.

I'm here Brown, every step of the way, like so many others pulling for you and believing in you.

Thank you Q. I can only try to imagine how hard it is. I had those not wanting to live days a lot in the beginning, but i guess my religious beliefs on the afterlife scared me enough not to venture down that road much.
I would think of it as you have lovely kids. That is probably my greatest regret, not having any - i miscarried one 4 yrs ago when i heard about H's first affair.
With time i am sure we will all get through this but for now, we can only help each other.

My BOYS are grown, living their own lives. They don't live in the same city. My H and I are going out to eat at one our FAVs.


That's so NEAT!! You know how I LOVE PLANTING and GARDENS!!


I SOOOO remember those days....Mine are just now beginning to act like normal human beings, coming out of adolescence.


YAHOO!!

Honey, we are BOTH living this hard time. I don't get a corner on the market. I wish I could take yours and so many others pain away. I can't, but I can be here with you as you walk through it.

My kids are the reason I get up each day, without them. I wouldn't have made it, wouldn't have wanted to. But I can tell you that there was a long time when I thought that if I would do something to myself, it would snap WH out of it and he would come home, the old one and be there dad. I held this belief that the boys needed their dad more than they needed me. That was a lie. Because as hurt and destroyed as I was, I was fighting for my M, my family and survival of my life. The children needed to see that so they have examples in their life how to walk through tragedy.

Yes, I believe that we will come through this, a lot of lessons learned along the way, and still there are HARD and HORRIBLE times to get through, but one day it will be over and we will have become people who G-d always envisioned and our lifes will be used for the good to help other people.