Good evening everyone, I hope that everyone had a good day. Mine was good, had some ups and downs, but I guess if there are more ups than downs then we did good?!?

Bible Study was good, we studied Naomi and Ruth. What a powerful story of love, loss/tradgedy, and how the Lord blesses those who choose to remain steadfast and focused on the Him. The ladies then opened up to me about the challenges and trials that I am going through, and I learned a lot about myself. I realized and the ladies pointed out to me that my biggest challenge that I needed to address was the fact that I have no self esteem and that I don't know who I am in the Lord either! I have always struggled throughout life with low self esteem and not knowing where or how to fit in. Even in elementary school I was the child that they all picked on because it worked, I was/am so sensitive and caring, yet clutsy and smart. In high school because I couldn't deal with or understand girly problems, and tended to talk with and have more male friends I was tormented and because of what they thought of me eventually my Junior year was raped because that was what was thought I did with all my friends, so then I just didn't care anymore and started living like what people thought of me. I got counseling in college and tried really hard to heal, and thought that I had, my WH was the one that really loved me and helped me through the darkest days. He was the only one that I never slept with until we were engaged, but then we lived together for my last year of college before the wedding. Neither of us were saved Christians yet, but it still doesn't please the Lord the choices that we made. Then in Nov of 1998 we were saved at a business conference that we were at, and our lives changed so drastically, but 3 months later Satan began his attacks, I stayed steadfast and held firm, but we all know where my loving WH ended up. Now I know that I need to really dig in and find myself in Christ and heal myself and become a real Proverbs 31 woman! I just don't know how or where to start. I have been trying to find a Christian counselor to help me, I started with one, but due to lack of transportation, I had to stop, and honestly I didn't really feel a connection with her, she was so quiet and didn't really offer any help/activities things to help me through, and the books that I brought up she hadn't read, so I did my own research and landed here at MB, and I am so thankful, but I really need a person who can "hold my hand" and give me guidance, I really don't know what to do to find my way out of the sorrow, I want to laugh again and smile and really feel again. I also want to be a good mother, I want my children to remember that their mommy was strong and held it together when things were really tough.

Pardon the extreme runons, but I think that I might be getting at the heart of me, and it really isn't too pretty....

Thank you all for the encouragement and information. Good luck to each and every one....

How are you doing? Just checking in with you.

One minute I am up and the next down. WH was scheduled for visitation last night and no call no showed, but he did send an e-mail saying he was "sick" but no mention that he was supposed to come see the kids. I guess we are lost in the fog again!

I am also really struggling with the holiday this weekend. My whole family is going out of state to visit my very pregnant middle sister. My children and I couldn't go due to H leaving and not knowing at time of plans what I could/couldn't do legally, so I am alone. I want to do something fun with the kids, but to take them out without help is a real challenge, the middle one (boy 5) has ADHD and impulse control issues, so he just takes off, and I have a one year old, so I'm not too sure what to do with them.

Oh yeah, and Tuesday morning I am starting my Master's Degree, so I am a little nervous about that, excited though. This is something I have wanted for a long time and there were always excuses and obstacles....till now!

Thank you for asking, I hope all is going well for you.....

Working on your Masters will be a good start to feeling better about yourself KLB but striving to be a Proverbs 31 woman is the best. God will hold your hand through this. Begin each day in prayer and ask him to walk you through this trial. Whatever happens, you will end up a better woman on the other side. That is what plan A is all about. It is working on yourself so that you become the best person you are capable of being. Sometimes that brings your WH back to being H but it ALWAYS is good for you.

I have no one to talk to about the experiences in my life of the last year either. I know that the MB way is to expose but my husband's personality is such that the shame of exposure would have destroyed our marriage. It is our secret and it draws us close. I believe our marriage is fully recovered. I am not sure whether I am fully healed. I know that I am a different person than I was before this happened and I will never be that person again.

You have made great progress since you first started posting. You have a close group of friends in your Bible study and a true 24 hour friend in Jesus. Read Psalm 139: 13-18 every day. You are fearfully and wonderfully made KLB. I clung to the last part of verse 18 when I was doing so little sleeping.

Fix a picnic lunch of your little one's favorite goodies and spread a picnic lunch on a blanket in your back yard this weekend. Give them your undivided attention. that is all they really need. You can do this KLB. Weall have in our own ways by hanging together.

Praying for you,

Say

Thank you so much Say for your kind and loving, sage advice! Psalm 139 has always been so comforting to me, I just need to believe it and trust.

I am logged on a lot I am not where you are in your journey, but I am a good listener, so if you ever need a shoulder. I am generally here.

Thanks for the advice about this weekend. I will be praying for you to have a good weekend and for the Lord to be at work in your home/marriage.

This is a post by KLB on the Plan A/Plan B board. She started a thread there asking how to write a Plan B letter.

I posted Dr. H's sample letter to her over there, but thought it best if she kept her "stuff" here on this one thread for continued help.

This is fog babble. Very typical.



I know how much it hurts to watch your children be hurt like this.




He will NOT see you and the children any differently UNTIL his affair ends.



Absolutely NO! HIS relationship with HIS children is HIS responsibility.

Those broken relationships are part of the consequences of affairs. It is heartbreaking for the BS to watch, but if you get involved in trying to "fix" it, you remove important consequences for the WS. You cannot "fix" the relationship anyway.


What you SHOULD be doing is DOCUMENTING everything like this. My lawyer told me to buy a calendar/planner and make notes daily about what had happened.

If he repeatedly misses visitation, it will help you in your battle for custody if it gets that far.




My 13 yod said the same thing. In fact, while FWS was moved out, she refused to go for any visitation.

FWS was furious with ME because I would not force her to go. FWS says now that our daughter cutting him out of her life had a huge impact on him and helped bust the fantasy that they would all adjust.



As for what to do now, I suggest you change the name of your very first post on this thread to something like:

Need help getting ready for Plan B.

That callout will bring some who have done plan B here to help you.

You can do that by clicking on the edit button on your first post. Then go to the subject line and type in the new one.

Well, this weekend has been rough. I called WH to ask for some assistance with something at the house, but he was "sick" and couldn't come over for fear that he would get the kids sick! Then said he wanted to come to the concert we were having today at church, but he wasn't sure if he could, he would have to see, but that he would try to come there or to our picnic after, well, I know big surprise, he no showed for either one, left the kids down AGAIN.... So, now he wants to come and spend the day with us and "see" tomorrow!!!! I am tired of getting the run around and the lies, the kids are DONE, they told me they don't want any more, they said to call and tell him anything, but that they don't want to see him or hear any more of his lies, SO, I am thinking that it is time for Plan B. I want to get myself together and stop feeling like he is playing me for a fool and just hurting me and the children more and more

What do I do? All my friends and family say that it is time to cut him off and make him realize that his actions have serious consequences. I agree totally, but I just wanted to have some positive interactions for him to look back to and say she really tried despite the way I was, she really loved me and was kind even to the end.

What do I do, it is already 9:30p here, so I need help so I can call him and let him know but I am not sure how to say it....

Help me Please!

I suggest you put on your Plan A smile and sweet voice when you call.

Thank WS for the offer to spend the day with you, but decline because you and the kids already have your day filled.

Then make arrangements with friend, family, or just you and the kids. But GO SOMEWHERE. A park, a hike, a friend's house, anywhere. Stay out all day.

But be sure to PLEASANTLY decline.

This sends him the message that you and the children don't revolve around HIS schedule. You have a life of your own and are living it.

Also, by handling it politely, you continue with your Plan A.

Your ducks are not in a row for Plan B. You've got to hold it together until they are.

Do NOT love bust no matter what. Sometimes I would just smile and nod, because if I said anything, FWS would have felt like I had a baseball bat in my hands.

Hang in there. You can implement Plan B this week.

What to do to get ready to Plan B:


1. Work on your Plan B letter, and post it here before you give it to him.

2. Post here your financial situation...are you dependent completely on WS? do you have your own credit card and checking account or is it joint? Did you make child support arrangements?

3. Consult with a lawyer IMMEDIATELY for legal separation to deal with child support and visitation.

4. Arrange your intermediary and get them here to read about Plan B.

5. Are there any other loose ends that you absolutely have to interact with him on? If so, post here and let us know what it is.

If you work on all this right away, hopefully, you can deliver the Plan B letter before week's end and go completely dark.

You need the protection of Plan B. But you can't just jump into it. Stay in Plan A, with as minimal contact as possible for your own protection, and get your Plan B ready to implement.

SS gave you perfect advice. I think you are too worn down to be around him tomorrow and need to escape such a meeting. Like SS pointed out, be polite, pleasant and PREPARE for Plan B.

SS and MelodyLane,
Thank you for your words of wisdom. However, things didn't go too well with the call. I was nice and sweet, but he got really ugly. He hung up on me when I told him that today wasn't going to work out. I called back and OW's teenage daughter started in on me that I am the trash wh**e and that I was begging for him and that he is her mom's and I better watch out and then he took the phone, He started pushing emotionally and verbally and I basically told him I love you, but I cannot continue to allow him to attack me emotionally and verbally, and that the children are very upset and don't want to see him right now because he has lied to them and made bad choices. I said that we could try again another time when they are ready. To this he said that I have made my decision and that there is nothing to say to each other anymore. He said that he hates me and there in NO way that he is EVER coming back, our marriage is OVER. I said that I am sorry that you feel that way, and that I would be here if he changed his mind or if he decided to proceed with a divorce. I said I do not want a divorce, but that if that was his decision I wished him well.

As for the children he said that he would agree to leave them alone for a while while he thought about what I said and made some decisions regarding them.

As for plan B, I already have a person in place, I have my own checking account, I have saved about $3,000 not much but best I could do on $500/week with paying the house and all the utilities. I only have 2 things here yet that will need to be taken and dropped off for him and they are our bed and dining room table/chairs. (They are on a credit card in his name that he has not been paying on.) I feel that in giving them to him he can then decide what to do either sell or return them or whatever, but then he can't say that I still have them and he paid for them.

I am sorry that I failed so miserably at Plan A, I really tried to be sweet and kind and loving... I never lost my temper with him, I tried to leave him feeling good, I thought he was since the times that he came around he was hugging me and holding my hand and cried a lot, especially for a man who never cried before he left in March.

I tried really hard, but I guess I am just not strong enough for Plan A, and maybe even at all! I loved my husband very much, and I am committed still, but I just hurt so badly and am so tired, I just want to pack up and the children and I move away, but he has made so many bad choices that financially I cannot do that...YET. I start my masters degree program tomorrow, so I need to throw myself into this with all that I have left and work on getting myself strong again.

What's next or is it done?

Sorry that the Plan A effort didn't go as planned. But things like that happen. Focus on a nice day with your kids. Try to relax and spend family time. Put thoughts of hubby on the back burner.

I also suggest that you not talk to the daughter again. Let her and your husband know that you will not be disrespected.

But it is kind of a good sign, because if she is so disrespectful to you, it is only a matter of time before she starts in on your husband.

klb, 'hon, you really do have to stop this sort of thing. YOU are not at fault. YOU have done a good "plan A."

I did a good "plan A," too, but sometimes they don't respond BECAUSE they don't think they are REQUIRED to make a decision.

Understand this, klb, GOD requires each of us to make decisions. The most important decision is to accept or reject Jesus Christ. The next decision is to submit our lives to Him (to His commands and teaching) rather than to our own "will" or "desires."

Sometimes (most of the time actually) it requires "precipitating a crisis" before a choice can be made. You can no more affect or be responsible for someone else's choice to reject Christ than you can for your husband choosing to reject his marriage vows and his responsibilities as a husband and as a father.

Consider what he "allowed" the OW's daugther to say to another human being. It is "Other Woman and HER daughter against everyone who might come between their getting what they WANT." That YOU are the one who is married to him and that your children ARE HIS children, is "lost" in his selfishness and he can't see the laughable position that the OW's daughter was taking with you.

Why?

Because he has not had to CHOOSE yet.

Plan B, standing FOR God and His commands, and a Divorce if necessary, WILL precipitate such a crisis. Be ready "in your own skin" that he may "choose poorly" again. Be comforted in the knowledge that neither you nor you children need this "alien lookalike" as husband or father.

Here is the "bottom line" for all of us, klb. "Choose ye THIS day whom ye shall SERVE, but as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD."

God bless.

Thank you and I agree, and I hope that it brings/brought dissention between them. I pray that God will move quickly and swiftly and thoroughly to bring about the result that will be most pleasing to Him. They have been suffering and reaping what they have sown, but it still hurts so bad to see him with another woman when he vowed to God and me. I know that the Lord will be my husband and will not leave or forsake me, and that I can remain safe under the shelter of his everloving arms.

Please let me know more of the rules/guidelines for Plan B and how to continue to grow and move forward.

Thank you.

klb, "rule number one" in Plan B is "easy to state, harder to actually practice."

#1 - DO NOT respond to or have any direct contact with a WS who you have chosen to place in a strict "Plan B." Plan B is an ultimatum. If you "waiver" on an ultimatum, the "opponent" wins and any future ultimatums will be ignored. If he calls, don't answer, or hang up the minute you know it's him. If he text's you, ignore it and DO NOT answer. You get the idea, right?

That's why Reagan, for example, won the war with the USSR without firing a shot. They knew and believed that he would not "vacilate" once he committed to a course of action. (i.e. the "Star Wars" plan and the build up of the military.

It's no different in Plan B. "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down that wall." A simple statement of what Gorby needed to DO to SHOW he was willing to "change."

"Mr. klb," END the affair or we have nothing further to discuss outside of the "court of world opinion" wherein the COURT will choose for you.

YOU have to be TOUGH. YOU have to know WHY you are going to Plan B. It is NOT to "punish" him. IT IS with the hope for a goal of CHANGE and reestablishment of the relationship that IS "marriage as God intended it to be." It is for a hoped for positive outcome, all the while recognizing that ONLY your husband can CHOOSE for himself.

Now "put yourself in your husband's shoes" for just one brief, possibly terrifying minute. Would YOU really want to be standing in oppostion to the LORD GOD ALMIGHTY?!?!

That's what disobedience to God's commands is.

YOU will not be alone during the "dark time." You have family, church, friends, ...and you have US... who have walked a similar path too. Use these resources that God has provide to you for this time of tribulation in your life.

God bless.

KL,

You are doing great..... Sounds like you handled things PERFECTLY!

The OW and her kid are living in fear...They are afraid of YOU.... Your H is putting on a show for them when he is on the phone with you, because they are demanding that! Lots of Lovebusting going on in that place! Just know it's fear and a bunch of wayward nonsense.... blah, blah, blah.

Stick with your plan. Stay focused. Eyes ahead, knowing you are in Gods will.

SMB and I are praying for you and yours.

Are you still calling him at the OW's home? I think I would stop doing that and let him contact you.