Affairs thrive on secrecy and are built on lies. They almost always end. Whether or not you will still want him back is another story.

Stick with us, and follow Plan A. That includes exposure. I don't know if you realize that Mr. W, who posted to you on your other thread is an attorney. He gave you some wise advice about the partnership.

I have no doubt it won't last and I agree I may not want him back by then. I was wondering how often they WANT to come back though. It's possible it could end and he still won't want to.


I can't find Mr. W's post. Which thread? I have contacted 4 people he works with, 3 are other partners, but I haven't heard anything back from them by e-mail nor has my husband said anything so I'm thinking word isn't getting around. He is a partner so I am nervous to cause too much trouble since if he was to lose his job it could hurt me financially if we do end up divorcing.

Here it is -

Welcome,

You are understandable conflicted but this, to me, sounds like a matter you need to decide right now whether you want to TRY to save this marriage and do whatever it takes OR if you just want to divorce.

The way I see it, no matter how you slice it, recovery will require him to leave that cushy job. He gets fired or he quits but he can't work with OW and be with you. He has to have no contact with OW for life and there's no way they are going to fire her because she'll likely sue. Thus, exposing at work and the ensuing consequences to him (and YOU if you do recover) will be long lasting. Hey, at least it frees you up to move far far away from OW.

On the other hand, if you want to divorce you really don't want him getting fired before the financials are computed. You'll be able to likely achieve a favorable settlement just with the threat of exposing him at work (I hope you've got some hard evidence if not...get a voice activated tape recorder and make some). I'm pretty sure his partnership agreement has a provision which fixes a very low buy out figure IF he is fired "for cause" plus the biggest asset you two likely own together IS his partnership interest. It's really only truly valuable as a CONTINUING partnership interest and is even more valuable IF the partnership owns real estate (which is'nt typical these days).

The point being (and you are likely aware) is IF you expose and he gets fired for HIS behavior and you divorce you are not likley to get near as much money.

Solution....decide now.

I think since you've already kicked him out and he's setting up the loveshack apartment you're kinda already heading down the divorce path. Trying and giving up the money may not lead to recovery anyway. However, a strong quick aggressive divorce filing with a pitbull attorney MAY just wake him up anyway. Accountants don't like anyone reaching into their wallets and he may just come begging back even going the strong divorce route (i.e. - read Dobson, "Love Must be Tough" - open the cage door, let him go and take your money and run, if he chases you then you've got a decision to make). If he wakes up and comes begging you can demand he quit the job as a condition of reconciliation (as well as submit to a polygraph and other conditions). I think if you intend to TRY that way your lovebank is likely pretty low so therefore I also recommend Plan B (cutting off all direct contact with him so YOU can start healing) such that you can protect yourself from further hurt and mental abuse as he attempts to cake-eat his way out of your marriage but keep you around as his friend.

Anyway...tell us what you want to do. Just so you know, saving your marriage the MB way and best way will require you to expose him at work. Busting up the affair is the only way to work on rebuilding your marriage. You can't trust or believe anything he says right now...he's addicted to his lust and everything is about that addiction right now.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - I'm kinda all over the place so let me summarize. If you want to save your marriage, the MB way will give you the best chance of doing so but it comes with a cost in your situation. If you try MB, you must expose and if you expose and WH gets fired and you divorce anyway despite your efforts you will likley be out substantial sums of money. On the other hand, you could go the aggressive divorce route and hit the accountant where it really hurts, his wallet, it's not as likely to save your marriage but he COULD wake up and come begging his way back home. Less monetary AND emotional risk for you but also much less chance of successfully saving your marriage. IF you don't want to save it...check out the divorce board elsewhere on this website and take the serial cheater to the cleaners.
_________________________

Yes, I do remember now. At this point I do still want to save my marriage. His company won't fire him, they don't have a rule that he can't do this, although I'm sure not everyone will respect him for it. One of the other partners left his wife for his secretary years ago and they are still married. I imagine she would quit if we got back together. She was going to if they stayed together anyway, maybe she will sooner if they want to continue together since I know he still doesn't want people at work to know..

I'm guessing if he has to choose me or his job he'd chose his job. He's a partner and has worked hard to get where he is. According to my lawyer I should be fine financially if we divorce. He owns shares in his company that I will get 40-50% of the value of. He told me this himself as well, that he will have to take out a loan to pay me. We're talking a few hundred thousand dollars, plus half our savings by NJ law.

I guess at this point I'm at plan B since we are not talking, but not having read the book yet I don't know all the details. I am getting it in the mail tomorrow.

If the marriage was fairly good, I'm sure he will be back. The OW probably admires him and thinks he has some bucks. But the romance usually fades and when reality hits, the affair ends.

Exposure is the fastest way to end an affair. But I would carefully consider all of the ramifications first.

Do you know anything about the OW?

What is so bad about a fight? I can understand why he doesn't want one, but you have every right to fight for your marriage if that is what you want. Even if you don't stay married, you still need to stand up for what is rightfully yours. The only way you will get out of this without a fight is if you give him everything he wants. I doubt very seriously that he is willing to let you have everything just to be with her. Also, the longer he is with her, the less he will want you to have. Be prepared to stand your ground and look out for your own interests, because your best interest is not your husband's concern at this point.


You are not going to crash harder. The day you found out your husband was having an affair was the hardest hit you will take. You don't rely on hope that your husband will return, you rely on faith that you can make the changes you feel you need to make in order to be your best. You cannot change your husband's mind or manipulate him into coming back. You can only control your behavior.


No one can give you odds for his return, but the odds of his affair turning into a long term and successful relationship are slim.

injeanious, don't let your pride overtake you. Do you need to hold on to your self-respect, set your boundaries firmly, and not let him walk all over you? Absolutely! Just be careful that you don't talk yourself out of doing what you believe is right for fear it might fail or that others will think less of you. You are the one that has to live with the choices you make in this situation. The only way you will know if it can work is to try it. It may fail to save your marriage, but there is also a chance it could bring you back together. If you just ride the tide and go along with the divorce, you know exactly what the outcome will be. Neither road is going to be easy or painless. I wish it could be different, but you are in a tough spot. The good news, as Queenie pointed out, is that you aren't alone.

I have never met the OW but I've seen her picture. She looks like a baby, 12 years younger than me and totally opposite. I'm 5'2" with curly red hair and more girly and she is 6' with straight brown hair and athletic, very boring looking.

It doesn't look like it's helping with the people I've contacted in his office. I spoke to one partner and e-mailed two others and all I am getting is that he's told them he's separated and they wish me the best and want us both to be happy. No one has commented on the fact that he left me for her when I've told them. It doesn't seem to be as big of an issue as I thought it would be. I know he is very well respected at work and has been there a long time so I am sure they don't want to lose him. As I mentioned, one of the other partners left his wife for a secretary years ago and is still married to her so they can't really force Bill not to.

I meant a fight during the meditation/divorce. I will fight for him now but if it comes to divorce I dont' want all that anger and hard feelings my parents had, if at all possible. I have no problem fighting during the mediation/divorce if he doesn't continue to be fair though and he knows he has alot more to lose if so.

You are right, not relying on him to definintely come back is different. I guess having any hope is whats keeping me going since when I think about the fact that it is really over I fall apart. Hopefully in time I will slowly let go of that if it really does seem like it's over. He's moving the rest of his stuff out this week and got a 1 year lease so that feels pretty final. I guess at this point I am doing the best I can and once I read the book I will have more tips.

I just left a loving thank you note for him to see when he moved out, for our life and home and having been the best husband I could hope for, and said I was sorry he felt the need to walk away. I also left a photo from our first date and wedding. Does that fit into plan A?

ok bear with me, because I don't have a clue how to break up your post and I want to comment on things in here....

So you THINK you want him back??? Make a full-fledge decision and stick to that commitment. Sure, you will have days where you have your doubts, but on those you do the ol' "fake it till you make it" routine. Stick to your decision.

Yes, my WS had/still moved out. I still did Plan A. Of course, it was a bit easier for me because we have children, but it can still be done.......

Now, my WS did/does have a place that was month-to-month. But honey, since when is a year permanent????

The thing is my WS did all of this and is now committed to me....and you know what??? I even made MANY MANY mistakes in my Plan A. But you know what, I LOVE the changes I have made to me....(he is home BTW...but still has his place. He gave notice on his lease....).

As far as "happily ever after" is concerned, that is up to YOU. You can only control you.


And honey, your H is gone for now. He has been taking over by an alien being......remember that....

The thing is there is no easy way out. Really there isn't.

The point is what do you want to do today for YOU. What would you like to change about yourself????? (I personally would start with your childhood. Honey, that is in the past. You cannot change it and you could not control that. You MUST ACCEPT THAT. If you go around not trusting everyone and waiting for them to hurt/disappoint you, you will get that. Look at what you are dealing with now......)

I think your M can be saved, but it takes LOTS OF TIME AND HARD HARD WORK. Are you game?????


not2fun


ps...the part you said about wanting him to want you.....I was the same way at times...It's all part of your emotions.....your self-esteem was dealt a HUGE blow. But ya know what??? You are valueable, but if YOU don't believe this, no one else will.....


((((injeanious)))))

I see lots of fear in your posts......


YOU need to work on that......YOU...no amount of counseling will help you find your OWN STRENGTH AND WORTHYNESS......


I am going to bump up a thread by ^ARK....It is titled something like "BS don't be afraid".....this would help you a lot....


Do you see where your fear has gotten you so far in life???....

Has it helped you?????.......


Do you see all that you have missed because of it????


Do you see what you could LOSE because of it??????

I am not trying to harp on you or make you feel bad, I just want you to see how UNHEALTHY your fear has been and that you are not living your life to the FULLEST because of it......


not2fun

This is NEGATIVE thinking......you must change that around.....it is not healthy.....

Let's put it this way, those ODDS are very low, but it DOES happen. Its a risk all of us BS take when we go this road.

BUT....

The GOOD news is the ODDS on him returning are high, and it does happen, more often than not. This is the HOPE of us BS take when we go this road.......


not2fun



ps...ok, guys, do you all think that the all the months of Mimi's teaching, poking, proding, PUSHING have finally shown through????? .....

I am going to a yoga retreat tomorrow for a week, no tv, no phones, no computers. I think it will give me time to reflect. I got Harleys book in the mail today so I think I will be better able to make a decision once I read it.

I know I want him back, but I want him back the way it was before this happened. I guess I'm not sure if he even deserves me to take him back and I think maybe I deserve better and can find someone else who would treat me better than this.

I know I sound wishy washy and I know I gave him mixed signals initially so he moved out knowing I kicked him out and before I told him I definitely want to try to work on our marriage. I am working on me too. I am going out with my friends alot, going to the yoga retreat, going to the therapist. I know there are other things I need to work on too and I want to better myself. I actually think I may even have more self esteem than I did before. This puts things in perspective since I always thought he was the rational strong one and I was weak and now I know otherwise. I guess I'm afraid to be dissapointed.

not2fun, you give me hope. My husband did say that even though he got a year lease that if we get back together the worst thing that can happen is he loses money if he breaks the lease. When he says things like this it gives me hope. By doing that though he's put us in the situation where I have to sell the house and find someplace else to live. I told him I hate to go through all that and then find out he wants to come back. But I guess the fact is, by him signing the lease we can never live in this house together again since we can't afford the house and his apt for too long.

I won't be posting this next week since I'll be away with no computer but I am sure I'll have alot more to say when I get back after I've read the book! I do appreciate all your advice and optimism.

Injeanious,

Have a good time. And try not to dwell on all of this too much.....(I know easier said than done....)


Now about the stuff I highlighted above.......You do NOT want what you had before all of this.....Look where your M got you??? I personally, never wanted things back the way they were, I wanted BETTER with MY HUSBAND...(you may understand this mentality more after you have read the book. For me, I did not want a M where it made an A possible...)

So you kicked him out. So what. He just took the out and ran. I kicked mine out the day I found out too. Then I took it back the next day. Guess what happened??? He moved out 2 1/2 weeks later under my protestes, under the ruse of "its the right thing to do"...

You are afraid to be disappointed???? Honey, we all are. but ya know, life is full of them. If you stop yourself from experiencing anything in life for fear of "disappointment", then you will never have the courage to try something new. And who knows, you may like it......NEVER LET FEAR BE THE VICTOR...

Glad to see I give ya hope...but then again, I am not in a fully healed M YET. I say YET because I believe on day I will be. I am just a little bit further along in my journey than you (if you want to read my beginnings, its a thread titled "Mimi, Mark, we have contact". I believe its on pg. 2 here. My second part is a thread titled "OW disconnects the phone....game on". Not sure where that is right now, but its not passed pg. 10..).

Anyway, thank you for the compliment. There were many VETS on here giving me advice and showing me the ropes. They encouraged me and supported me. And most importantly, they corrected me when I was wrong. Without them, I would not be where I am today. That being said, I still have a LONG way to go......

And on the last part, your WS is right. Do not take anything he says or does personally. This is the HARDEST part of all. Try to think of him as an ADDICT. He is ADDICTED to his Affair and all he cares about is his next fix. This is a very real analogy that fits perfectly into the scheme of things.


Now, enjoy this retreat and READ the book (get a highlighter.... ;), you'll need it). It will help you understand a lot of what we are saying and where all our advice comes from. The Harley's have an amazing insight into INFIDELITY....and from their methods comes hope......


not2fun

Thanks not2fun. I keep thinking I am thinking more clearly than he is but you are certainly helping me see more clearly. It's hard not to take things for their word.

You're right, I want a better marriage! I always thought it was a good marriage, but apparently not as good as I thought.

I'm sure I'll have lots of questions about the book when I get back. Did I get the right book "surviving and affair?" At first glance I don't see anything about Plan A or B

You go girl. Pass it on.

Thanks honey....hey, you can pat yourself on the back, you helped me tons too.....

not2fun

Hey no problem on the help. Besides, I am only passing on the great info I was given.

Yes, you are thinking more clearly than he is.....you are in reality, he is not...he is in La La Land....

BUT its your negative thinking and fear that has me concerned,

And you know what, no your marriage wasn't as good as you thought. You will mourn this and that is ok. Tears are cleansing for the soul. And better is the way to go....(I couldn't deny that my M sucked before the A....it really really did....)

The book is "Surviving An Affair" by Dr. Willard Harley. Is this the right on. There is no chapters on Plan A and Plan B per see, but it is all in there. And loads on Recovery and how to make your M better.......the book will give you hope. And it will make sense of this place. I read the book before I came here, so I already knew a lot of what they were saying.

You are still quite early in all of this.....still in shock....but remember you can only control YOU in all of this.....when you get back we will help you with Plan A and form a plan.....

not2fun

I am looking forward to reading the book and I hope it will make me think more positively. One question, he seems like he is doing Plan B to me. He has said he thinks its better for ME if we don't talk since he doesn't want to upset me any more than he has, and he needs his space. So here I am living our live without him and he's living a new life not sounding like he's missing me. If he's the one who doesn't want to talk to me then how badly can he be missing me?

You are getting great help here!
One small thing I wanted to add-

In one of your earlier posts you talk about having a conversation with him, and being very polite, etc

Plan a is not just about being polite, courteous, etc. it is true that you wnat to be pleasant, but that does not mean you have to use only your best professional self. You also need to be warm, inviting, and wife-like.

No crying, pleading or begging.
But that does not mean you have to be overly short and to the point.
During plan A, you want to always leave him with a good impression. For example, at the end of a phone call, something like "I want you to know how much I appreciate you. You are bright, intelligent, and succesful, and I have always been proud to be your wife. I just wanted you to know that. talk to you later."

I wonder if perhaps you should put aside a little bit of your independent spirit?

Okay, I am learning! He actually was being so businesslike it caught me off guard. Atleast I didn't get emotional. I guess I'll know more what to do when I read the book. I did leave him a note for when he comes by while I am gone thanking him for always having been the best husband I could hope for and giving me such a wonderful home and life. Does that sound okay?