First of all, sorry to hear about the LADY...

BUT, Bugsy, CHECK YOURSELF!!

This is NOT an EMERGENCY!!

Why was contacting Drac even a consideration?

If he was the father that he is supposed to be, he would be living THERE with you as a FAMILY. He would not be off on a BIKER'S whatever and you wouldn't have to be trying to figure this out. HE put himself in this situation. YOUR daughter is being adequately taken care of by YOU while he is out HOing around....

It's HIS RESPONSIBILITY... IF he were a GREAT FATHER...to be CONCERNED about how HIS FAMILY is doing in his absence and he would be DUTIFULLY checking on this situation...

It's HIS RESPONSIBILITY to be trying to figure out how to check up on you...

Let him REMAIN the CAT...YOU the MOUSE...

I think he is working his charms on you...you are seduced by that cellphone...or whatever...

CHECK YOURSELF, HON..he's still got his HOOKS in YOU...

I see it... as a "CAT AND MOUSE GAME" in which you are IN CONTROL and then YOU say:



This is what HE THINKS...but YOU know better what this is all about...


YES HE IS... on the prowl for REAL SUSTENANCE. He definitely has EMOTIONAL NEEDS that are not being met. That is what WE KNOW 'cause we are EDUCATED about MBers' principles. HE DOESN'T KNOW why he's after you...



What causes US (I'm sure I must have done it) to give over so much POWER and CONSIDERATION to a WAYWARD. A WAYWARD is IGNORANT. YOU are the ONE with the MBers' KNOWLEDGE about all of this. I'm encouraging you to rely on what YOU KNOW about THIS STUFF..THIS PLAN OF YOURS....

YOU STAY IN CHARGE OF THE "GAME"!! DO NOT GIVE OVER ANY POWER WHATSOEVER TO HIM!! DO NOT GIVE ANY CONSIDERATION TO HIS THINKING!!

Just how HE can AFFECT YOU. YOU ARE AFFECTING HIM!!...DUH...YOU have a longstanding HISTORY with each other..YOU HAVE BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN THAT YOU HAVE BEEN RAISING TOGETHER...

The difference is that YOU KNOW HOW THIS ALL WORKS!! You have to BELIEVE in the MBers' THEORIES and PRINCIPLES because they are being EVIDENCED to a TEE in your situation right this minute...

Mimi,



The only consideration is to inform him of something that happened with his child. I was not thinking of calling him. I wasn't planning to contact him prior to the appt or texting him to ask his opinion while there or anything like that.

I was merely thinking out loud of the when/how and how much to communicate to him - as it is something he needs to know about.

Ladybugs ended up having to have her tooth pulled. She was a trooper and so far, she seems to be just a-ok. I intend to let her tell Drac about it herself tonight. I will have to send him a copy of the bill which will also have the basics of the procedure on it.

I spent time while waiting at the dentist office re-reading again the MB basics and am digging out SAA later today.

I know he is looking to have his ENs filled. I know that we have the history and the beautiful children. I know that I have met these needs in the past and during the best times of our M, I met them better than anyone ever has for him in his entire life.

You are right in that HE doesn't realize these things. That's the part I struggle with - - - that if he doesn't realize it's ME that can do these things for him, then why would he give consideration to me or a possible 'us' at all?

The hardest part of this for me has always been to believe that I have any effect on him - - -other than in a negative way.

I know,,,,Waywards say the stupidist things, so why listen? I think it's just when their actions match their words, it is hard to ignore them completely.

I do not want to give up any of the personal power I have worked so very hard to obtain. Trust me, I thought of this during the drive back and forth to the dentist. I know how to bring up those feelings when I set my mind to it. I know how to put on my Diva Goddess persona!

I have the cape, shades, shield, , , and I think I have that great WonderWoman golden lasso around here somewhere!

I am waiting to see if Ladybugs hits the 'pain' wall here this afternoon,,,,,,,,,,as I am concerned with taking her to this race tonight. It's going to be a long time and a late night. Mom has already said we can cancel, but I don't want Mom to have to miss it. So, I am trying to think of alternatives in case Ladybugs isn't up to it.

Personally, I really don't want to go as I am exhausted. The
ER last night and the unscheduld dentist today has tapped me out emotionally!

Maybe I'll go lay by the pool for a quick nap!

I guess you or I would have wanted this same consideration. I guess even though you two are DIVORCED, I'm still considering him to be a WS, meaning, PARENTING is not HIGH on his LIST of PRIORITIES. I don't know. This seems to be a lot of effort being put into showing him consideration. I guess I don't understand WHY as long as your LADY is OK. Are you falling into the COPARENTING SCENARIO as he has been wanting? Yes, you are COPARENTS but I didn't think it was at the level where you have to keep him abreast of everything that is happening, getting his OPINION about making decisions about a DENTAL VISIT. I DON'T KNOW...been a long while since our kids were little...


He does KNOW that YOU can meet CERTAIN EMOTIONAL NEEDS. That's a FACT...given that you have had a LONGSTANDING HISTORY together.. That's what any of us in Recovery started with...this is NOT THE ISSUE right now...

He, being a WAYWARD, has to SUFFER..has to YEARN for YOU in order to be REPENTANT and/or SORRY about what he has done...That is a MAJOR PURPOSE of PLAN B. PLAN B is part of the MBers' PLAN FOR RECOVERY. It is the LAST RESORT...to make the BS miss you..as HARLEY says sometimes "ABSENCE DOES MAKE THE HEART GROW FONDER"..

HIS SUFFERING IS MORE LIKELY IF HE HAS NO ONE MEETING HIS EMOTIONAL NEEDS and he for sure knows that YOU are an OPTION..not KNOWING in the CONSCIOUS SENSE OF KNOWING. He's not going to be saying to himself: "Bugsy can do this and that...."
YOU JUST CAN AND DO..It is what it is...Heck, you want to communicate with him about Lady..that's the FAMILY COMMITMENT NEED...


GREAT!! I'm sorry if it seems like I'm being hard on you...I THINK YOU ARE DOING WONDERFULLY!!

Good morning!

Well a good time was had last night at the race, even though we left early. It was a good idea to leave early for all concerned. I think it was a strech for everyone considering everything.

Mom had a great time, which was the point of it all. She didn't walk through the "crowd" as she was afraid of getting bumped into. That would be very painful with her fracture still very new. It's going to take a total of 10 weeks to heal! So, we took her straight up to the suite and she stayed there - but was content with all she wanted to eat & drink along with her great view of the track.

Mimi,


I'm trying not to do this any more than 'necessary'.


I didn't call to get his opinion - and the thought of contacting him wasn't about getting his opinion,,,,,just about informing. As you say, it was the thought of what consideration would I want/expect if she were with him.


Ya know, I hadn't really thought about it this way (at least not for a while). I think with my stich, I had mentally ruled out any 'real' hope in recovery to the point of also blocking out/forgetting much of what MB says about it and the path that leads there.



Whew! Thanks for letting me know! I 'was' kind of feeling like you thought I'd totally lost all of my Goddess powers!

So, I am on my way up to shower and get ready for church. After we will be having an outside day at home. Kids really want/need a swim day today. I need to mow the grass and then it's also to the pool for Bugs.

I really don't want to have to take them over to Drac's tonight! Well, I will be having them both this week, which is a treat that I don't usually get.

I get them both starting Tuesday night through Friday morning. We go Wed. to have DSS's stiches taken out. I have pics of the stiches going in and will have to get some of them coming out. One of these days I intend to start scrap books for both kids. Yea,,, when I suddenly get all of that 'free' time! ha! Maybe in about 20years!

Have a great day everyone

NEVER, you are OUR PRESIDENT....

Which by the way, nice state of the union address. That sorta has gotten lost in all the "excitment".

Yep, today should be a relaxing by the pool with loving children around. In fact, I think I will take a page from the top GODDESS and do that myself.

As for the children, well it's best I am alone then I can really relax. Teenagers....

I think someone should one of these days write about about one of these days and make them self rich so they have the time for one of these days? Would you agree?

Have a good day, Madam Prez.....

Hey Queenie~

I exercised my supreme Goddess decision making powers today and deemed this relaxing day.

We went to church, came home for a quick lunch, then hit the pool for the afternoon.

The heck with the fact that the lawn needs mowed or laundry needed to be done. Further back on the list is the vacuming and dusting,,,,bathtub cleaning and toilet scrubbing!


We had a great afternoon, but all too soon it was time to take them to Drac's. We arrived a few minutes early, but he was there. SUV in the drive w/the tailgate up and garage door open. If he was out and about, I didn't notice.

On the way there, I did some makeup touches,,,,,at which time Ladybugs asked WHY I was doing my makeup,, was I going somewhere? I said yes. She said, "Oh, out with your girlfriends?". I simply said, "no", and the subject dropped.

I am now sitting in my living room on the lap top in the dark. My power went off, so I am hoping I have enough battery to finish this post! ha!

As someone bumped it today, I made a point to read the thread about boundaries again. Good reminders for me. As a matter of fact, before the power went off, I caught the end of "Pretty Woman". I never realized it before, but the end of that movie is a great example of setting boundaries,,,,,stick with me here.

He wants to set her up with an apartment, all bills paid, he obviously has 'feelings' for her and wants to take care of her. As she says, "It's a good offer" for a girl in her position,,,,but then she sets the boundary. She wants "The Fairy Tale". He says no, he can't do it.

They walk to the door. He asks her to stay the night - not because he's paying her, but because she wants to. Lord knows,,,she WANTS to - but she says "I can't".

She enforces her boundary.
She backs up what she said with her actions.
She walks away.

And then,,,,,

He comes to her. Ready, willing, and able.

THAT is what I am going to have.

No ifs, ands, or buts about it. That is the only way for me.

So,,, you all continue to hold my feet to the fire when I become weak. When I seem close to compromising,,,,,,,when I want to give Drac that inch of ground that he has not earned. Keep me on track!!!

So,,,, am sitting here hoping the power comes back soon - - before it becomes stifiling hot in my house!!

OMG..PRETTY WOMAN..the FAVORITE MOVIE of my H and the OW..you know the suave BUSINESSMAN with the HO,PYT...YUCK...

I knew Mimi was gonna lose it when she read that.

G'night ladies...

((((Bugsy))))

Took me a bit but I'm finally caught up on the weekend travails of one of our supreme GODDESSES..

I think you're getting plenty of wonderful advice but you already know that.

Somehow you keep notching up the respect and admiration you deserve for the strength it takes to enforce those boundaries right now. I read your post and often wonder if I'd cave in so much easier if I were in your shoes.

You're one strong woman Bugsy.. and you deserve the BEST.. no settling for Drac.. you want someone who is going to add to your life, not drain you.

Keeping you and the kiddos in my prayers.

Sorry for the trigger Mimi!!

Hey SL! Hope your weekend was good.

James, thanks for the support.

Ah, a new week begins. I am exhausted, as my power was out most of the night last night and it was hard to sleep with no air! I read a bit by candle light, but that didn't last long.

So, I ended up alone with my thoughts. Sometimes that is quite dangerous, but I avoided the danger zones for the most part. Only a little bit of time and brain cells were spent thinking of Drac. It was the dreams I had later that really got me.

Suffice it to say that in Dreamland, they were incredibly nice dreams - - but IRL, just a total fantasy. Dreams of recovery with Drac. A repentant Drac appeared and morphed into my former DH. I guess it's not a bad thing to escape into fantasy dreamland sometimes. Just as long as I don't waste too many waking hours on the same thing.

So,,,,,,,,,,I'd better get to work!

Have a great week everyone

Email this morning from Drac -

"I hope that someday when the children need to go to the doctor for any reason we are able to discuss the situation between us and not get the information from the kids.

DSS of course has no idea of the plan for removing his stiches, but Ladybugs explained that you plan to take him to Dr. 'x' on Wednesday. She also said she would not be going to "daycare" the rest of the wee that you all have plans. Could you fill me in?"


DSS most certainly knew the plan for his stitches being removed. He stood right next to me in the DR's office while we made the appointment!

There were many, many replies i WANTED to give. Such as "well, I hope that someday you pull your head out of your a$$ and apologize for the horrendous way you have treated me. Until then WHY would I want to discuss ANYTHING with you?

OR

"Yes, I'll be sure to discuss important things with you,,,, just the same way you discussed taking my kids around your HO last year when you affair with her started. And the same way you discussed having my kids LIVE with that same HO and her son."

OR

"the kids wanted to be the ones to tell you about their own events. They knew I was available if you had any questions or concerns, but as you did not ask to speak with me, I assumed you had none"



I replied in a short sweet manner,,,,, and STILL realized after sending it that I said TOO much!

My reply was

"DSS has his stitches removed at Dr x on Wed at x time.
Ladybugs will go with us. She will be at 'daycare' Thurs and Fri"


Now, there was no reason for him to need to know if Ladybugs was going to daycare or not was there? Oh well, what's done is done.

Next email from Drac -
"While DSS is at Dr's, can you get them to fill out his exam form for school? I can send it with him?"

I have not replied.

As much as I want to make that responsibility remain on his shoulders, there's really no reason I can't take the form and ask them to fill it out while we are there. So, I suppose I'll just reply "ok".

Geez, he's still a putz.

He's just trying to draw you in, Bugs.

Keep it dark.

He needs to take the steps necessary to EARN Bugs again. This isn't the way.

He'll keep trying different things. When he gets it right, he'll be rewarded.

I liked your responses (and had a few of my own!)...you did well by responding short and sweet. Maybe you gave him extra information that was not necessary, but he can tell when he ASKED for the information, you gave it to him. You are not WITHHOLDING, you are just not OFFERING either.

Did he get the necessary information? That's all he needs, he doesn't get to pick and choose HOW or WHO he gets it from.

I wouldn't reply to the request for the form at all. If DS brings it, the Dr can fill it out. If not, it's not your problem.

Fox

OH!!! I saw MCD on a movie this weekend. I totally thought of you!




Fox

What a PUTZ!

Your reply was fine. No more needed. Do not reply to the second email. There is no need. If he emails again, about the same thing, do not respond. There is no need.

Hee..hee..He was nervous about the kids spending time with you and MCD..IGNORAMUS...

Keep him NERVOUS and in the DARK...

ETA: Remember how we talked about him trying to keep you in that MOTHER ROLE...YUCK...


IMO, he remains SO PREDICTABLE...

Stay ahead of HIS GAME, PREZ...

I wonder if that is why DS is REALLY there. Undercover spy to the goings on at Bug's house?

Drac knows that LadyBug will talk with you if he asks anything. He may believe DS is on his "side". KWIM?


Fox

Oh, Bugs. I am SO right there with you. It's hard.

(((Bugsy)))

I haven't replied to the last email. It's hard for me, just in general not to reply to anyone when a they ask me a question.

Mimi -


Hmmm, I really hadn't thought of his thinking in terms of my taking the kids around MCD this week.

He is probably hoping for the day that I do have someone around them so that he can put a check mark on his list of things that he feels he can now further 'justify' in his past actions with the HO - - never realizing that it's just not the same thing. As you say, Ignoramus.


Yuck is right,,,,thanks for the reminder on that.


Any sage advice in that area? I don't really feel like I'm ahead of the game. Most days I feel lucky to realize that there is even one going on! I'm most unsure of what to 'predict' from him. It's the old forest for the trees, I suppose.


Fox -
I never really thought in those terms - Although it has occured to me that it's funny how many 'detailed' things he's thrown up to me when normally DSS doesn't remember something you've said to him 5 minutes after you say it. Any information about what happens here is given at the specific questioning of Drac, that is for sure. DSS isn't the type to offer much information about anything,,, let alone many details. So, I suppose he is paying more attention to some things than 'normal'?

I'm sure if I asked questions, Ladybug would pony up with all sorts of stuff. I just don't ask - either of them.

I'm SURE that he ONLY asks because he HAS to in order to know anything about 'the kids' as I don't talk to him being the mean & horrible of a mother that I am. Poor Drac.

SD - - Actually, it's been a while since I've thought of things along the lines of what I'd LIKE to say in these instances. Knowing that none of it would do any good, I really let most of those thoughts float away. For some reasons when these came to mind they were too heavy & strong, so I had to write them down before letting go of them.

I also had a fleeting "I wish" thought - - that the WS could understand that the necessity of Plan B is due to their actions, not ours. That it's not a punishment or manipulation or due to bitterness. It's simply self preservation for the BS and actually a way to keep away the bitterness.

Bugs,SIGHS and moves on from those thoughts for today.

Bugs:

You received an email from Drac that said:


What if the children had these issues while they were in HIS care?

YOU would have asked to speak to DRAC. Plan B be damned. You wanted all the info.

That's a MOM for you. Your concerned. YOU WANT THE FACTS.

Yes. He's WW. And unrepentant about it. And this isn't about establishing co-parenting roles.

He could have called YOU back. Asked either of the two children to hand the phone to you. He COULD have done all of these things. You could have just made the effort. And since Plan B is elastic when its something that you need, and can justify, in this case, he called you out on it.

Of course DSS KNOWS what's happening with his stiches. Doesn't mean he had a clue 5 minutes out of the Dr.'s office. "That's Mom's job, she will handle it." That's what DSS was thinking. And if it had happened at Drac's house, and YOU wanted to know when the sitches were coming out, DSS would have thought the same thing "Dad is taking care of it." That's ALL that is in his head.

Sorry. If the roles were reveresed, which there may have been an episode like this on your thread already, DRAC would be getting killed for not doing it YOUR way.

Am I being harsh? Yes. Do I mean to be? No. I'm not advocating co-parenting. Drac isn't worth that. However, under your care, his son and daughter both went to emergency Dr. visits. No matter what, he deserved a phone call, detailing what happened and the future plans. Even an extended VM, if needed.

It isn't about being DARK. It's about at least respecting his right as DSS father. It doesn't mean firing off a 2 page letter when there is a scraped knee. But a visit to the Dr's office, certainly rises to the occasion.

YES. Drac withholds pertinent info about DSS school studies, etc. from you. You can rise above his petty actions to do better than that. He amy still blame you for global warming, and anything else he can stick on you, but that's ok. You establish the higher ground, and stick to it.

NOW.

Your first response? Good. Nothing you could have done about not filling him in on Sat/Sun. He sent the email first thing, and the time to have been FIRST passed.

You didn't need to rise to the bait, and you had no reason to answer/argue/discuss his reactions to it. He COULD have done a couple of things too, and chose not to do them, either.

Your second response? None. Just like Fox said, if DSS brings the form to the Dr., then the Dr. can complere it. Otherwise, Drac to can get it done later.

As Lexxxy said, Drac will try to be a little more "Open".

The second email was "open"

As harsh as my assessment was of THIS particular incident, the rest of last week you have done fabs. Drac is poking around your tent, trying to fit a nose under the tarp. He NEEDS to DO MORE than that.

Do you have a copy of your Plan B letter?

BTW, when is the golf tournament?

LG