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Joined: Jun 2008
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Wow, looks like all he did was change his orginal dates. So much for golfing in South Carolina. I'm sooo sorry this happened to you, man! I'm surprised she didn't try to give you some back-story?

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BH75 - I am deeply, humbly, so very sorry you're having to experience this. It isn't a club where we "like" to get new members.

The range of emotions you are (and have been recently) feeling are exhausting. Take care of yourself - REST, eat and exercise. Your analytical way of processing information serves you well, but it also tires the mind. Protect your spirit with health.

Your W is extremely foggy. Even if she's had an "oh sh*tte* moment, it's just that she's been caught, NOT that she thinks she's done anything wrong. Her sense of entitlement is strong.

You're getting a lot of support here, and you know yourself this is the best way - but I simply wanted to chime in and add my support - NO CONTACT. Definitely an intermediary (ask your attorney's office how that would be handled in order to avoid any surprise billing).


Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others.
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BH,

Sorry to hear about the contact. The decision to D or not is your choice to make. With no kids and her continued contact I would probably do the same thing.

Now is not the time to have an contact with her. All communication should come from an intermediary.

Take care of yourself and keep posting. This site will also help you heal from the D process and become a better H if and when you decide to go that route.


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Just wanted to chime in and say they reported today that Texas has 4 of the top 6 cities in the country to buy a house in (cost of living, cost of home, etc.) - Houston, Austin, San Antonio and Dallas. Just sayin'...

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Doesn't Texas have extremely high property taxes though?

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Yes, Texas does. But it does not have income tax. A healthy sales tax as well. There is no free lunch, the money has to come from somewhere.

Now if you want taxes come visit the "left coast". California has a deal for you, you won't believe. smile

JL

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Originally Posted by catperson
Just wanted to chime in and say they reported today that Texas has 4 of the top 6 cities in the country to buy a house in (cost of living, cost of home, etc.) - Houston, Austin, San Antonio and Dallas. Just sayin'...

Huh? Compared to what, California, Florida or New York?

Sheesh!

Larry

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Success! Poliical discussion moved to Other Topics. Have at it...


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Originally Posted by Revera
Success! Poliical discussion moved to Other Topics. Have at it...

Good job.

Sorry for your trouble.

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Thanks, Marshmallow! smile


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Just curious, what set off your Spidey senses that something was going down over the weekend?

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Are you around? Please update us.


Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others.
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So...

I have made the move. I have had some job interviews that went well, but no offers yet. I hope to see at least one within a week or two, but will keep looking until I am working.

I have not filed for divorce. I did not want to hassle with living in Texas, and having divorce proceedings in Michigan.

Texas law states that you must be a resident for 6 months before filing in the state of Texas.

While it is hard (if not impossible) for me to believe, WW swears that nothing physical took place before herself and OM. How could I ever prove that something did? And, it's impossible for her to prove that nothing happened.

From what I can tell (phone records) WW has not had contact with OM since July 26th... Still, that's 5 days after I found out her little secret.

Is this WW "speak"? Is this something typical of a WW that has had a PA with OM, and got caught?

WW and I have decided to go to counseling anyway (since neither of us can file for divorce until the end of the year). I have made it clear that if we cannot get past this situation with OM, we will end up divorced. After I discovered that OM was visiting her, she has turned around, and says that she is committed to saving the marriage.

Now that I am somewhat settled, we will start counseling ASAP (hopefully next week). Any discussion of OM is being held off until we get into counseling, only because we cannot talk about it without arguing. She still has never apologized, or expressed any remorse for having OM come to visit. Her "excuse" was that OM had a ticket (that he changed dates for) and needed a place to stay. She insists that he slept on the couch, and spent his free time golfing.

Again, I don't buy it. I have told her over and over that if she wishes to work things out, she needs to be open and honest about everything. If I sense any BS, I'm not going through any more counseling, and will wait for my time to file for divorce.

This is a hard decision for me... In the meantime, we have been spending a lot of time together. It is like we are dating again, and it is good (for the most part). However, I still have this lingering sense of what I think happened on that weekend that OM was down here.

FWIW, I already have a small network of friends here. I have joined a band, and get along great with the other members. I've been here less than a week, so the friendships aren't that strong. If worse comes to worse, at least I have some source of support if needed.

Hopefully, I will be working soon. I have been too busy getting myself settled in to think too much about the situation. WW has been great, and helpful as well.

My only problem, is that I don't know what to expect from her if a) the affair did go physical or b) if it didn't go physical.

While snooping in WW's room, I found a box of condoms in her drawer... my heart raced when I found it, until I saw that it was unopened. So, maybe she is being truthful? Sure, there's always the chance that they had unprotected contact with each other, or they had a different box of condoms for the weekend...

Is there a chance it didn't go physical? Is it slim/highly unlikely? What things will she say/do if it did? What things will she say/do if it didn't? If things did go physical, what are the chances she'll admit it? Especially, if she knows that I WILL divorce her if she ever admits it... Will the guilt eat her alive for years to come if she keeps it in (and if counseling somehow helps us)?

How would I ever know the truth? I thought of posing as a "clinic" based here in town and calling OM to tell him that someone he recently may have had contact with tested positive for and STD and tell him that they wanted him to know, and to get tested as well. His reaction could tell the whole story...

Yeah, I know, it's likely I'm wasting my time and money seeing a counselor. But, I figure I'm willing to see what comes out of this while I wait for my six months of residency to kick in. And, if anything I learn skills that will be needed for any future relationships to prevent this nonsense from ever happening again. I also know that I am not sticking to my guns... I suppose it's human nature, or maybe just my nature...

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Glad you came back and gave an update.

Did she have sex with him? No idea. She could be telling you the truth. It happens. Openness and Honesty are going to be hard to prove for quite some time. Look at her actions towards you. Does what she "does" say that she loves you? Is she trying to meet your needs. Has she sent a NC letter to OM? Are you meeting her EN's and not LB'ing?

Time will tell if she is being truthful or not. At least you know that you have done your part to change. You are becoming a better man and husband.

You are still in my prayers.


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How could I ever prove that something did? And, it's impossible for her to prove that nothing happened.

Polygraph.

And she is lying.

Quote
I also know that I am not sticking to my guns... I suppose it's human nature, or maybe just my nature...

and it is also a HUGE mistake.

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Hey!!! Welcome back, Dude! I've been wondering what happen to you! Yeah, you guys need to get into conseling. A lot of things you're descibing don't add up. First, you know about the lie with OM coming to visit. When you found out that MO was orginally going down there, didn't she tell you that he changed the flight and was going to South Carolina to golf? Lie number 1. If was going to R with you, why wouldn't she tell him it was over and if he was going down there "just to golf", he needs to stay somewhere else. That didn't happen. And, if he slept on the couch, why would she need a box of condoms. Have you asked her about this? She may try to counter this as proof that nothing happen because the box was unopened, doesn't mean that he didn't bring his own, or convinced her not to use them because he doesn't like them. I don't mean to be so negative, but, I think you still need to have the hard questions answered. You need to tell her that you need complete honesty, even if it's going to hurt really bad, so you can work through it. If not then you need to make some hard decisions. Did you ever contact the MO why the he77 he went down there to stay with you're wife. You might be able to get the truth out of him. However, most here will probably counter my question stating that there's no point in contacting OM. Just my opinion!

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Originally Posted by betrayedhubby75
While snooping in WW's room, I found a box of condoms in her drawer... my heart raced when I found it, until I saw that it was unopened.

Why did she buy the condoms in the first place? That would be the first question I ask in counseling.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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Let's be honest, if the shoe was on the other foot, if your wife knew you were having an EA with a girl and she came to visit you on a weekend. Do you think she would believe you if you said she slept on the couch? I think not.

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I've been wondering about your situation. Glad you updated!

Why torture yourself wondering?? For the very reasonable price of a polygraph, you won't have to wonder any longer. Your wife's reaction when you tell her you have one scheduled should be quite telling.

And for the record, I don't believe the no sex story. She had the intent (condoms are proof) and the opportunity (weekend sleeping alone together) so what on earth would have stopped it? People in the throes of illicit luvvvvvv do not go through that much trouble to hang out like they are 6th grade girls at a slumber party.

Of course I could be wrong, but seriously doubt it.

Polygraph!!!!

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Thanks for the update, BH. I have been wondering lately how it was going with you.

Charlotte

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